Healthy Habits for My Daughter age 11

boomboom011

So im working on teaching my daughter healthy eating habits and she has been really trying and im so proud of her.

However, anytime she is with my alleged bio father he takes her to cafeteria's and buffets. So last night he picked up my kids up and took them to the new buffet down the road and im sitting here talking to her about what all she ate and OMG!!!!!! fried chicken, mashed potatoes with gracy, okra, corn bread, peaches in heavy syrup, chocolate ice cream with chocolate syrup.

Now my alleged bio father could use to lose about 100 pounds and it kills me. He says "i eat lots of fruits and veggies". im thinking to myself "and a side of beef". Im mad cause he is in denial. But what makes me even more angry is that he knows im trying to teach my kids better eating habits and he takes her to these places and she just goes wild and I bet you 1 million dollars not once did he say to her "hey carson have a salad or a green vegetable".

So now Im talking to her about what are a few different choices she could have made so that next time she can make healthier choices. I am trying so hard to teach her but damn! There were 20 other places they could have went including a Sweet Tomato or sandwich shops and they were going to go to Panchos mexican buffet or Furrs buffet. I didnt know or else i would have said something. I thought i made myself clear to them and her in the past about eating better. Apparently he ignored me.

Am i wrong being a little upset? I know that we need to be able to make choices on our own but i feel that children will follow your lead if you guide them. I always always take her to the salad bar with me and I get super excited to get her excited about a salad.

poustotah

You know your dad is like this and he's not going to change. So the logical thing is to NOT send your daughter to stay with him or else don't get upset when he takes her to his normal hangouts. It doesn't matter how much your teach your kids, if you stick an ice cream cone in front of them, they're going to eat it. My kids do the same thing. I teach them about good food choices and for the most part they do okay but if I take them to McDonald's I seriously don't expect them to order anything other than a cheeseburger and french fries.

Caldwellsa24

I am sorry that you are in a frustrating situation. But i will say that as a child i was "talked" to about my weight and how much i ate all the time (funny i was a normal sized child when this started) and all it did was encourage me to make bad decisions when the person who was so "concerned" wasnt around because i didnt feel judged when they werent around and it was a relief.

SLaw4215

What I noticed for me is that I can manage my diet and exercise routine along for a good chunk of time and then all of a sudden I have a binge weekend where I just can't say no to all the temptations anymore. What if you look at in terms of quality time with grandpa and "cheat day" ...that's something I hear everyone say. You are right to try to focus your daughter's attention on eating healthy but the fact that we're surrounded by temptations on every street corner isn't going to change. How do you reconcile your goals with what is something you daughter will face for years to come...whether it's her grandfather or other kids her age eating at a mall food court?

dragonbait0126

You have every right to be upset that your dad did not respect your wishes and what you are trying to teach your daughter. You are doing the right thing by talking to your daughter and helping her understand that even though she was at a buffet that the choice of what she eats there is her decision. That being said, keep in mind that one meal is not going to undo everything. Send her outside to play and those calories will be burned up in no time. Also when talking to her, make sure that its done in a way that she understands you are trying to teach her to weigh her options and not that she is being punished for making the decision to eat what she did. We all have our off days no matter how old we are and teaching her balance in what she eats (i.e. a small serving of ice cream or peaches instead of a large serving of both after eating a healthy dinner) will help her continue to make those healthy choices in the future without her denying herself a small bit of enjoyment every now and then.

salmoninthebeak

I guess it depends on how often they are with him, and how important the fight is.

My grandfather (my kids great grandpa) is always offering small treats and ice cream. When we go over for family dinners I use to always be super strict about what the kids were eating, and whether or not they could have dessert - and then one day I realized that this was not a typical meal for them, they eat much better the other 95% of the time, and decided to not worry about it, and it makes my life much happier!!!! Someday he won't be around to offer the treats and the ice cream....

CaptainMFP

I think there are (at least) two sides to this. On one hand, you do not need to eat 100% healthy 100% of the time to be a healthy person, and kids don't learn to make good choices if they don't have a choice. On the other hand, if they are given the same unhealthy choices repeatedly (i.e. buffets like this every time they go out with a particular adult) then they can't learn to make healthy choices.

As a parent (mine are 2 and 4), I'm going to make sure that my kids understand healthy options and make an effort to give them those options whenever I'm with them. I'm going to make sure relatives know my policies at home so they don't over-do indulgence. But once the kid leaves your side, they have to learn to make choices themselves, which means you have to cede some control. (My 4-yo loves pizza, hot dogs, and chicken nuggets, but if you ask what is favorite meal is he's likely to say chicken (i.e. breast not nuggets) with broccoli and rice. We have two big debates every week at the grocery store: which flavor of pop tarts he wants, and whether to get cauliflower or broccoli this week. Is he excited about the pizza party at school on Friday? Yes. What did he say when I asked if he wanted an apple in his lunch today? An excited, "Yeah, the green one!" Bottom line is I'm winning in the long run even if it's not all the time.)

If I were in your shoes, I'd have another talk with this relative. I'd be upset not that this happens but that it always happens. And I would not even approach their health; keep it focused on your daughter. And frankly, talking about it afterward with her is the best thing you can do, so long as it isn't in a judgmental tone. Make it truly about choices. In the end, we can't really control the behavior of anyone but ourselves, and some people -- kids especially -- may need to learn the hard way about why certain choices are better than others.

My 2 cents, anyway.

ItsCasey

It's definitely good that you're teaching your daughter about healthy eating habits, and I absolutely think you have a right as a parent to expect other adults who spend time with your kids to follow your rules about what they eat.

I also think it's hard for grandparents to be strict about stuff like that. They want to have fun with their grandkids, so they don't want to be the "bad cop" making the kids eat salad when they can get something "fun." I don't know what it is about buffets, but kids and old people seem to love them. And at least there, your daughter gets more of a choice about what she eats, so you can do exactly as you did and teach her how to pick out good things from a buffet table. Better that than McDonald's or Wendy's, where nearly everything is bad for you.

It also depends on how often this happens; if it's a once a week kind of thing, I don't think it's a huge deal. But more often than that, and it starts to interfere with the habit-building process, especially for kids who don't have long attention spans.

boomboom011

i expect my daughter to eat like crap when she can. what pisses me off is that he completely disregards what i ask. that to me is disrespectful. they are my kids. not his. same goes with my mother. she knows what i do and dont allow around my kids and she rarely ignores my requests.

I think he needs to realize that he isnt hurting me he is hurting her. he should be on board considering every member of his side of family is at the very least obese. I am the smallest one in the family only because I couldnt take it anymore.

I think the frustrating part to me is that he could barely get up off my couch to stand up cause of the extra weight and was grunting and huffing and puffing and then he goes and eats at a buffet and takes my kids along for this crap.

I am so irritated. But i am not one to keep my mouth shut. he will hear it and he can either respect my wishes or not. The choice is up to him.

HeatherSuzanne123

First off, kuddos to you for teaching your daughter healthy eating choices. I have a 2 and 3 1/2 year old and I am really tyring to teach them heathy eating habits. When I first started MFP I really did not realize how often we ate at McDonalds or other fast food establishments. It has been 3 months now and my children now only get it as a treat. I would dare to say 2 times a month. (We even managed to go 30 entire days w/o it once!)

2nd, she is your daughter and you have every right to have a say so in what and where she eats, especially since she is only 11. However, I have to ask how often she goes out to dinner with this person. If it is only occassionally I would say not to worry about her choices. She is only 11, and fried chicken and chocolate ice cream are pretty yummy! I personally believe they are ok to eat, in moderation too. Now, if your daughter is going to out eat like this several time a week, I would say you have something to worry about. But, if it is only once in a while, I would pat her on the back for the good choices she makes other times.

ItsCasey

I think the frustrating part to me is that he could barely get up off my couch to stand up cause of the extra weight and was grunting and huffing and puffing and then he goes and eats at a buffet and takes my kids along for this crap.

I am so irritated. But i am not one to keep my mouth shut. he will hear it and he can either respect my wishes or not. The choice is up to him.

If he doesn't respect your wishes, are you willing to not allow him to spend time with your kids?

My dad is a smoker, and when my brother and his wife had their son 2 years ago (my parents' first grandchild), they told him in no uncertain terms that he was not to smoke when he was around the kid. And he doesn't because he loves his grandson and wants to spend as much time with him as possible. And he knows that if he didn't honor my brother's wishes, he wouldn't get to see him at all.

boomboom011

yea i totally get that one meal isnt going to kill her. but i asked her how she felt afterwards and she said she felt tired. so i tried to explain to her why.

then they tell me my son who is 5 had a slice of pizza, corn, mac n cheese & potatoes. oh and ice cream!

I dont expect her to only eat salads. im just thinking have the fried chicken but have a salad and some good veggies with it. Im really trying to teach her balance.

I hope this is a great learning experience for her. Cause when he has them which thankfully isnt that often anymore but he usually gets them for a couple of days at a time and its mcdonalds, chicken express, furrs cafeteria, and the donut store. Im not even exaggerating.

SOunds like its time for another chat with my people. Besides my kids LOVE veggies when you put them on their plate. Give them healthy choices! Ugh i will get over it but i just needed to vent.

boomboom011

I think the frustrating part to me is that he could barely get up off my couch to stand up cause of the extra weight and was grunting and huffing and puffing and then he goes and eats at a buffet and takes my kids along for this crap.

I am so irritated. But i am not one to keep my mouth shut. he will hear it and he can either respect my wishes or not. The choice is up to him.

If he doesn't respect your wishes, are you willing to not allow him to spend time with your kids?

My dad is a smoker, and when my brother and his wife had their son 2 years ago (my parents' first grandchild), they told him in no uncertain terms that he was not to smoke when he was around the kid. And he doesn't because he loves his grandson and wants to spend as much time with him as possible. And he knows that if he didn't honor my brother's wishes, he wouldn't get to see him at all.

yes i am. cause he used to be a very involved grandfather and then all of a sudden he rarely calls and rarely sees them. not by my doing.

but on a positive note i asked her what she had to drink (i just knew she had 4 sodas) she said she had water!!!!! i been trying to teach her not to drink her calories. SO yay she is listening! Baby steps.

Cytherea

I agree with one of the other posters to be careful- I was constantly told about my weight as a child before I had any weight problems and that only hurt me. It is a way to rebel when you hear it all the time.

She's your daughter; you have every right to tell your father no. You are looking out for her best interests. If he doesn't agree, you have control over the situation, you just need to decide what you are willing to do about it.

boomboom011

I agree with one of the other posters to be careful- I was constantly told about my weight as a child before I had any weight problems and that only hurt me. It is a way to rebel when you hear it all the time.

She's your daughter; you have every right to tell your father no. You are looking out for her best interests. If he doesn't agree, you have control over the situation, you just need to decide what you are willing to do about it.

oh im very honest with my daughter. i didnt say anything to her until she said to me "mommy im fat" and i said "well do you want to do something about it?" so i talk to her about things every chance i get. She is good and she is eager to learn.

As for my dad, i will take it all the way. I dont bite my tongue and i dont care if i hurt your feelings when it comes to my kids the rules change.

NA_Willie

We are cool boomboom so I am not trying to piss you off, and I also know is a bad to get into a conversation about a mother and her children, but I'm a moron so I'll take the chance to get my *kitten* ripped. Do you think maybe you are being a little over the top? I mean an eleven year old went out and had what eleven year olds love to eat. Over 90% of what is in my food diary is food that I can't stand but I eat it because I'm a recovering fat @ss and and am trying to lose weight. I would love to eat fried chicken and okra and mashed potatoes every day. I ate dinner at a mexican restaurant before my fiance and I moved in together every single night because its delicious.

I would just hate to see you give your daughter a complex about weight that she is going to develop naturally on her own. I mean being a fat guy isn't all that bad, I'm only losing weight because my BP was through the roof, but I couldn't imagine being a fat girl.

boomboom011

We are cool boomboom so I am not trying to piss you off, and I also know is a bad to get into a conversation about a mother and her children, but I'm a moron so I'll take the chance to get my *kitten* ripped. Do you think maybe you are being a little over the top? I mean an eleven year old went out and had what eleven year olds love to eat. Over 90% of what is in my food diary is food that I can't stand but I eat it because I'm a recovering fat @ss and and am trying to lose weight. I would love to eat fried chicken and okra and mashed potatoes every day. I ate dinner at a mexican restaurant before my fiance and I moved in together every single night because its delicious.

I would just hate to see you give your daughter a complex about weight that she is going to develop naturally on her own. I mean being a fat guy isn't all that bad, I'm only losing weight because my BP was through the roof, but I couldn't imagine being a fat girl.

i can totally see how this is coming off as over the top. i think im just frustrated cause she is really making changes so i try to encourage her to make changes and give her praise when she does. He is being a sabotuer in my opinion and he is her grandpa. I have talked and talked to him about things. I dont let my kids drink sodas (ocassionally is ok). What does he give them? Dr. Pepper and Pepsi the entire time. My kids dont need it and i dont want them to become addicted to it. I want them to crave better things. No one ever talked to me about my weight or even tried to teach me better. I just want different for my kids. Im not a food nazi by no means. Im just frustrated with him on a few different levels and this is just the icing on the cake. I dont doubt he loves them. I think he needs to give a **** about their health. Nothing but junk when they are with him. I expect a little junk cause thats what grandparents do but COME ON.

P.S. i aint gonna lie when she was telling me what she had i was foaming at the mouth but i also know what i have to do to work that off and it aint worf it!

NA_Willie

Being that I don't know the situation it sounds like you have some other *kitten* going on with grandpa which is way more than Dr. Pepper and chicken legs. When I was a kid and would go to my grandparents house my grandpa would give me anything I wanted. I remember one time when I was about seven I ate entire box of ice cream sandwiches and a ton of hot wings and a two liter of Mt. Dew. I subsequently threw up all over the kitchen. Good times.

My grandpa then had a massive heart attack at like 52 and then started eating lettuce sandwiches on whole wheat bread, which was my plan but I didn't want the heart attack to happen before I'm 35.

Also thanks Grandpa for these awesome cardiovascular genes. Lol.

boomboom011

Being that I don't know the situation it sounds like you have some other *kitten* going on with grandpa which is way more than Dr. Pepper and chicken legs. When I was a kid and would go to my grandparents house my grandpa would give me anything I wanted. I remember one time when I was about seven I ate entire box of ice cream sandwiches and a ton of hot wings and a two liter of Mt. Dew. I subsequently threw up all over the kitchen. Good times.

My grandpa then had a massive heart attack at like 52 and then started eating lettuce sandwiches on whole wheat bread, which was my plan but I didn't want the heart attack to happen before I'm 35.

Also thanks Grandpa for these awesome cardiovascular genes. Lol.

Yep! thats pretty much everything in a nut shell. he is heading down the heartattack road in the express lane.

But damn dr pepper and chicken legs sound so good! thanks NA!!!!