Female Body Image

Espressocycle

Hi, this is a relationship question more than a weight loss question, but I know this is a group that can give me the best answers. I have a fiance who is beautiful. She doesn't think so, choosing to focus on her flaws. Yes, she has some flaws - stretch marks around her arms, a few bruises and scars on her legs from sensitive skin, a couple crooked teeth, but those are not what I focus on when I see her. They are, however, what she focuses on in the mirror. As a result, she wears long sleeves and long pants in summer, spends tons on makup and product, but still just ghenerally suffers from a lousy self image. I would like to get her to see what I see. I tell her she's beautiful about 10 times a day, but she just won't believe it.

melaniecheeks

And your question is???


Seriously, most women will only see the bits they dont like, and need lots of encouragement and reassurance about thier good bits.

Tbh I'd concentrate on complimenting her on things that weren't to do with her appearance (her kindness, her cooking, her understanding etc)

jenblowsbubblez

get her on here!!! and let us take care of her!:) we are women we ALL tend to not like something about ourselves( i know i do) and like my husband says,,"jen you will never be satisfied",, lol

dragonflydi

Awww ... you are a keeper I did that for a long time as well. I also now have one or two male friends who I adore more than anything b/c they always make me feel like I am perfect just as I am, regardless of how insecure I am about certain areas I used to see as 'flaws' and now try to look at as "challenges". Sounds like you are that person for her. Point out her incredible areas and focus on those and if she starts to re-direct the conversation to her 'flaws', simply tell her that you cannot continue the conversation because as far as you are concerned, she has none

hypotrochoid

There's not a lot that you can do, other than keep telling her she's beautiful. When she's ready to believe it she will. I know that doesn't help much, but I put my hubby through this. I never believed him when he told me I was beautiful and always saw a fat, ugly woman when I looked in the mirror. I had to wake up and learn to love myself (and my stretch marks) before I could begin to believe him. Good luck.

KayaSamantha

I feel the same about myself as she does and my boyfriend makes me feel a ton better when he compliments me on features that I overlook and when I wear something that flatters my shape. Also just keep telling her she's beautiful and acnologing her feelings about herself. Good luck to you both!

Galathea

Personally I know not one woman (including me) who's really happy about her body. It's just how we tick. Our whole life we get told girls have to be pretty, sexy, hot. And we tend to focus on the negative things we see in the mirror. Is it stupid? Hell, YES! But it is what it is. It doesn't matter how often you tell her she's beautiful, she won't believe you, if she doesn't accept herself first.
All you can do is keep going and telling her (and showing her) how beautiful she is in your eyes. Tell her in fron of your friends and family, what you think of her. Mostly it helps, because then she won't think you do it only to make her feel better.
You will need lots of patience, but maybe she will see what you see one day. =^_^=

LurayneMarie

I go through those phases many many times and Im sorry to say that no matter what you do or say it will be virtually impossible to change how she feels about herself. She has to see these things for herself and find her beauty on her own. I rarely believe/listen my boyfriend when he says things like 'you look pretty/hot/sexy' ...if I don't see it or feel it myself then it doesn't register. I can't offer much more advice only to just keep doing what you're doing and keep being positive around her. Hopefully one day she will open her eyes and see what you see

AlsDonkBoxSquat

It's not about you, it's about her. You can't convince her, she has to want it herself. Therapy? What it boils down to is that she's insecure, if it wasn't her image it would manifest in another manner.

OlibecaMom

I wonder if you could help her by complementing her when she wears short sleeves or capris, by making a point of telling her how her skin glows when she doesn't have make up on, etc. This one might not work - but what about going shopping and buying her an outfit with shorter sleeves and/or capris?

Good luck.

Riebop

Unfortunately, she has to make the effort to work on her body image. My husband thought I was sexy and beautiful when I was at my highest weight, but nothing he could say to me would make me believe it. I had to make the conscious effort to stop hating on my own body. I'm gradually learning to pick out the good things and stop focusing on the negative things.

luisabaeta

I disagree about complimenting her only on non-appearance stuff. I am insecure about my looks and tend to focus on flaws, but i still love it when my boyfriend compliments me on my looks. Granted, he also compliments me on non-appearance things, but i tend to me more secure about those. It doesn't matter that she doesn't see what you see, i'm sure she appreciates knowing that you see her as beautiful. Of course compliments are not enough to change someone's self-image (that takes therapy probably — actually, if you figure it out, please let me know), but it sure helps if I'm not worried about my boyfriend finding me unattractive. I'd still like to see myself in a better light, but this is my own problem that i have to solve on my own and, to be frank, there's not much my boyfriend can do. I don't think you can do much for your fiancée, either, i think. Good luck to you both!

lewispolk

You could ask her "How can I help you to feel better about yourself? I really want you to see yourself as I see you."

Is she exercising? Has she had a recent physical? When we literally don't feel good, we are harder on ourselves than when we are physically strong and healthy. Is she eating tons of sugar and/or drinking lots of caffeine? This too can affect moods and put our self-image in the dumper.

Truly she's the only one who can make the decision to work towards a healthier, more secure place. It takes time, but your support undoubtedly means the world to her.

123456654321

*sigh* It's just the world we live in. Unfortunately I have no advice for you other then to continue to do what your doing and try not to get to frustrated with her. I'd like to say I'm above these self esteem issues myself, but truthfully, I am not. I just try hard to keep things in perspective. No one is perfect...absolutely no one and most people don't focus on the little imperfections.

Also I assume there has got to be SOME people like me who actually like little imperfections. For instance I think little scars are cute and I am sorta obsessed with crooked teeth. They can seriously be a big turn on for me. Now, I'm not referring to a gross, unkempt, jacked up mouth or anything....but crooked teeth that are kept up nicely really work for some people and when it does, it instantly melts my heart! It's all in the eye of the beholder.

Keep being a great mate and hopefully one day she can grow to be comfortable in her one skin! Unfortunately I don't think there is going to be much you can do to help her. Her acceptance will have to come from within.

Onesnap

Therapy and learning to love herself.

One way for her to start to feel more positive about herself is for her to try something new that is physical.

For example, if she took martial arts or kickboxing (with a really amazing teacher) that would make a difference. She would start to not only have a new hobby but the health benefits would be amazing for her mental health as well.

The classes I take at my gym are made up of both men and women of ALL different ages, shapes, and sizes. A class with a good teacher makes all the difference. Even 2x/week. You could even take a class with her if it is something you are both interested in.

16mixingbowls

Many of the previous posters have some good ideas.

I think that maybe sitting down and talking with her about WHY she doesn't feel pretty might help uncover the real issue. I am the same way. I always cover up, diminish my self, never wear a bathing suit, and generally don't think highly of my physical appearance. My boyfriend always tells me I'm pretty, but I didn't believe it for a long time. The final straw was when he mentioned that I was the only girl at the beach wearing jeans. (We were walking the promenade not laying around on towels.) I got so mad and let it all out that I've never been the pretty one. In my family, I was smart and my sister was pretty. Basically, he got really emotional and we talked a lot and he convinced me that I can change this, and so that's why I'm here on MFP, working on becoming the pretty one. (My sister doesn't know what she has coming. But now that I type this, I'm starting to worry that I'll get in even better shape than her which will enflame out relationship, and I've always been the protector. AAAHHHHHHHH life is so complicated.)

Sorry for such a personal response, my point is that there are probably deep issues that she's not telling you. For me, I didn't believe I EVER could be the pretty one, and I was resigned to being chubby. Words couldn't change this. Maybe she won't ever tell you, or maybe she doesn't know what they are, but the best thing you can do is support her in ways that encourage her good habits. Take out the trash more so she has time to exercise, suggest a healthy lunch, suggest an evening walk or frisbee game or anything that tells her that her fitness and nutrition are important. Don't look at porn or read Maxim or drool over Dallas cheerleaders. These things all contribute to women thinking they're not good enough.

KS_4691

I am in a sorority, so I have 120 (relatively) close female friends. I think they are all BEAUTIFUL, but every day when I walk into that house I hear someone complaining about their appearance. I am definitely not an exception--I wear a size 2 and feel like I look disguistingly fat. My point being, most women are not happy with some aspect of their appearance. I also think that the more attractive a woman, the more she struggles with her body image. I really don't know why that seems to be true.

jamk1446

I agree that she needs to find acceptance for herself but that can be hard, low self-esteem and body image don't develop overnight, they won't be overcome overnight. I have seen a counselor, some of what she has me working on is trying to accept that I don't see myself clearly, maybe I should listen more to what others tell me.

Out of frustration with me being down on myself after working really hard to make some strength gains and body changes, my husband dragged me naked in front of the mirror and pointed out several areas of improvement. He had me flex muscles, showed me spots where he could feel muscles where he didn't before, told me about the parts he noticed/ appreciated most. It was harder to ignore the specific positives he confronted me with rather than just another, "oh honey, you look fine." It sounds vain to say that I ask him to do that sometimes since then, but it is helping me see my strengths and not just focusing on my weaknesses. But if she's not ready to hear or see good things about herself, this exercise still may not get her to see herself as you see her.

IMYarnCraz33

There's not a lot that you can do, other than keep telling her she's beautiful. When she's ready to believe it she will. I know that doesn't help much, but I put my hubby through this. I never believed him when he told me I was beautiful and always saw a fat, ugly woman when I looked in the mirror. I had to wake up and learn to love myself (and my stretch marks) before I could begin to believe him. Good luck.

^This^
I still hate what i see in the mirror but i am learning to STOP talking myself down
and be more positive and to start loving myself for who i am and not what i look like.
there's more to us than our outward appearances.
she'll learn when she's ready but keep the compliments coming

JCPruitt

women have been presented with unrealistic examples of what we should look like for our entire lives. Heck, look at my profile pic and it is easy to see I am not a raving beauty--which is good because putting a dress and heals on after a hockey game is just not comfortable (insert chuckle now).

Seriously. You are fighting a lifetime of negative messages and thought patterns. Yes, you have to keep telling her, again and again, that she is beautiful. Go out for a nature walk and start taking pictures of the scenery then turn the camera on her--without her knowing it is best. Focus on everything you love about her. Do you love her smile? Compliment it specifically. When she mentions her teeth, tell her you don't see them, just her beautiful smile.

In my opinion--no, not humble I am over that right now--just about every woman would benefit from a little counseling to improve self image.

From my experience--I hate having my picture taken. So much so, I almost didn't allow any pictures for my wedding. That is pretty serious. The pictures came out fine, and I look okay (my take). When I look in the mirror, say the one at the end of the hallway, I can look at my torso and think, "not too shabby," but then I get a peak at my hips and cringe. My hips are a full size larger and it looks like 2 bodies were pasted together. I am normally not too aware of my flying squirrel arms (like most people who have lost a lot of weight they flap in the wind), but recently I had a pic taken that did not show my arms in the best of light. When I see those arms, the rest of me doubles in that picture--at least to me.

As you can see, these ideas are so ingrained in many of the female species. We go to the movies and all the women are just about the same size--size 0, 1 at best (okay, I know some are even up to a 6). If there is a woman presented as overweight, she is actually overweight or "normal." size. Bet you didn't know most models are a size 3, and plus size models start at a size 12. Those plus size models are "normal" in relation to the average American, yet they are "plus."

She has to learn to be comfortable with her body. Give her a full body massage as a gift. My husband did this, and I shared my apprehension with the massage therapist--felt like I would have a panic attack at any moment. That was probably the best thing. I am still uncomfortable when particular areas are worked on, but am getting better--yup, went back for more even. Take her out to the fanciest place you can afford and dress to the nines. Go ahead and gush over her. Have fun when you get spiffed up. Just some ideas. It will take lots of time and energy. If you are committed to her, you will still have the same feelings of frustration over this, but you will keep at it.

bcattoes

Just keep reassuring her. Tell her at odd times when she wouldn't be expecting it. Don't overuse it as if you are trying to reassure her (even if you are), but tell her often and don't always be serious about (be playful when called for). Unfavorable self image is a hard thing to overcome.

I've always had what I thought was a big bum. Even in high school when I weighed 115 lbs I thought it was big. Now I'm 40 lbs heavier and worried about losing too much bum because my husband like my "junk".