Not with a bang but a whimper

bunchesonothing

I put this in my blog, but it's possible that more people will see it here....

I'd really like to believe I'm strong. And my friends tell me I am. So, I must be.

"You have to be strong, look at what you do."

And that's what marathon runners tell themselves: If it were easy, everyone would do it! Therefore, look how awesome I am. I can handle ANYTHING!

Today, I'm drawing a line between strength and what I see as stick-to-it-iveness or perseverance. Does strong just mean pushing through? I know I want something. If I want it, I have to complete some stuff. Does that really make me strong? I think it just makes me pragmatic.

What about the things that are not about just pushing through?

Many people have lead lives rougher than mine, but mine has not been so peachy keen in the short 32 years I've been living it. It's just been recently that I've felt a true sense of happiness. Things have gotten so remarkably better. Although, it is as though the world wants to test my boundaries and just how much I can take, again.

As I'm sitting here, pondering the death of loved ones, I don't feel anything near strong. As I sit here, and feel helpless to friend's suffering, not knowing what to say, I don't feel strong. As I sit here and not able come up with any intelligible answer, do not have any rhyme or reason, I do not feel strong.

I have a hard time believing that much matters. And, for some things, that's good. The minor squabbles of the day and now lowered to their appropriate place in the scheme of importance. So, I carry on with the things I normally do, hoping to snap out of it(push though, you're good at it), and I generally do, but whenever something happens, it always comes back to this. It never goes away fully. If only the people I care about were in a safety bubble where they did not ever suffer, leave or die.

I need answers.

Some give religious answers. I'm very sorry and I mean no offense, but those don't resonate with me. And since they don't, I cannot and will not force myself to believe something to placate a fear, a worry, a lack of understanding.

But there are no other answers...

I cannot stand things that I do not feel like I can solve.