How do you help someone who doesnt want help?

ziggy67

In my experience you CAN'T help anybody who DOES'NT want to be helped. Just be there for them and channel your energies into looking out for yourself.

Mommawarrior

You can't help anyone who doesn't want help. You should focus on yourself and leave him alone about it before he ends up resenting you.

katkins3

It's not helping that you're nagging him I can tell you that much. If he's gonna do it it's gonna be cause he wants to, because if you try to force him into it he's destined to fail. He has to want it for himself. Some people do, some don't. You sound like you're pushing it on him hard. Which is not a great Idea & likely the reason he's so opposed to the idea of getting healthy.

It shouldn't be a touchy subject.

I agree! Sometimes when you push someone it can cause resentment. He may want to be accepted the way he is. I'm obese, but if my husband tries to "help", I get pretty stubborn, though I've been doing well on MFP
Ask yourself, is this really a "deal breaker", or can you get past it and let it go.
I let go of my husband's smoking and he gave it up eventually by himself. Sometimes its works like that.

solflyer81

How unhealthy is he? If he is not eating 1200 without encouragement, he must be significantly underweight.

He might have some issue with food?

If he is doing the bare minimum to appease you. he is appeasing you.

Are you wanting him to be healthy, or just have him eat what you tell him to? Me and my wife argue because I'm a vegetarian.
well was. she nagged me to start eating fish, and now I do. She wants me to eat chicken next.. I draw the line there.
2:00am guys take on it.

No he is overweight like me. The whole starvation mode thingy or low metabolism or whatever you want to chalk it up to. I dont want to tell him what to eat, but i guess i have been because i felt like he just wouldnt eat healthy if it wasnt for me. I would never ask him to eat anything that goes against his nature or beliefs.

If he'll eat what you make for him, I wouldn't worry.

From a fitness point of view, maybe what happened with my DH might help.

I was doing the 30 Day Shred and my DH would bounce around in the background. When I finished the 30 days, I suggested my DH try the full 30 days with me, but he would find reasons not to, and so when a friend asked to borrow it, his attempt was over.

Then I decided to do the 100 pushup club, a 6 week course online. I did the initial test, and then the first day, with a day off in between, and my dh started to get interested. He tried the initial test, and then alternate days I would try and he would try (with me telling him what the website said to do). After 3 or so weeks he had reached 100 pushups and I had given up :blushing:

I noticed the transformation sooner than he did, but now he's doing 120 pushups in a row and can really tell the difference. He can carry more without whingeing and his chest and arms look great.

I think it worked for him because strength training seemed more manly, and the results were something a man could be proud of. Fussing about food and aerobic exercise don't have the same macho draw.

Maybe something like that could work for your boyfriend too.

I was wondering, does he eat so little because he's trying to lose weight?

I realize now that I was wrong and that I just need to be patient.

He eats so little just due to scheduling and motivation. "I dont have time" thing.

solflyer81

As far as it being a deal breaker....At this point in my life I think it is. i know I will lay off and give it time but I also know that I cant move forward if I m having this same conversation 6 months down the road. I dont want to turn him into me and I dont want to force him to do anything. But I do need him to be healthy for more reasons than just my motivation. While I realize my methods have been wrong and that I need to just stop, I know it will still be an issue for me.

solflyer81

How unhealthy is he? If he is not eating 1200 without encouragement, he must be significantly underweight.

He might have some issue with food?

If he is doing the bare minimum to appease you. he is appeasing you.

Are you wanting him to be healthy, or just have him eat what you tell him to? Me and my wife argue because I'm a vegetarian.
well was. she nagged me to start eating fish, and now I do. She wants me to eat chicken next.. I draw the line there.
2:00am guys take on it.

No he is overweight like me. The whole starvation mode thingy or low metabolism or whatever you want to chalk it up to. I dont want to tell him what to eat, but i guess i have been because i felt like he just wouldnt eat healthy if it wasnt for me. I would never ask him to eat anything that goes against his nature or beliefs.

If he'll eat what you make for him, I wouldn't worry.

From a fitness point of view, maybe what happened with my DH might help.

I was doing the 30 Day Shred and my DH would bounce around in the background. When I finished the 30 days, I suggested my DH try the full 30 days with me, but he would find reasons not to, and so when a friend asked to borrow it, his attempt was over.

Then I decided to do the 100 pushup club, a 6 week course online. I did the initial test, and then the first day, with a day off in between, and my dh started to get interested. He tried the initial test, and then alternate days I would try and he would try (with me telling him what the website said to do). After 3 or so weeks he had reached 100 pushups and I had given up :blushing:

I noticed the transformation sooner than he did, but now he's doing 120 pushups in a row and can really tell the difference. He can carry more without whingeing and his chest and arms look great.

I think it worked for him because strength training seemed more manly, and the results were something a man could be proud of. Fussing about food and aerobic exercise don't have the same macho draw.

Maybe something like that could work for your boyfriend too.

I was wondering, does he eat so little because he's trying to lose weight?

.
He does love my cooking and I mean LOVE, but we dont live together so its the stuff he eats and when he eats on his own that was concerning me. But the "fussing about food and aerobic exercise dont have the same macho draw" makes total sense and I see that now. Thank you.

EuroDriver

IMO.... you can't help someone to get fit... they have to themselves wake up one day and go... "whaaat the hell happened to me?" that will be the moment he will strive to make himself better... if you nag at him or push him he won't do it.. n if he does it hes going to half *kitten* it and then just go back to his regular ways.

the only thing you can do is get yourself in real good shape and eventually he is going to feel insecure(if he loves you) and try to improve himself because he will realize that you are moving forward in life but he is still in the same place...

OOOR JUST POST THIS AS HIS WALLPAPER ON HIS COMPUTER!!

solflyer81

... "whaaat the hell happened to me?" that will be the moment he will strive to make himself better... if you nag at him or push him he won't do it.. n if he does it hes going to half *kitten* it and then just go back to his regular ways.

the only thing you can do is get yourself in real good shape and eventually he is going to feel insecure(if he loves you) and try to improve himself because he will realize that you are moving forward in life but he is still in the same place...

OOOR JUST POST THIS AS HIS WALLPAPER ON HIS COMPUTER!!

I completely agree. Love the wallpaper LOL. But, I have decided to just let it be, so I wont do it : P

cartern1

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink

TheBraveryLover

I don't think it's a good idea that you're trying to make him become healthy. If he wasn't that way when you met, why try to change him? If it's really that important to you, you might just have to come to the conclusion that you're just not compatible with each other. What if, before you decided to get healthy, he "nagged" you about changing your ways before you were ready? You'd probably be annoyed and insecure about it (I could be wrong, though).

I'm grateful that the guy I'm dating is big on healthy eating, working out, and being active, but if he weren't, I certainly wouldn't impose my lifestyle on him. It's important for me, but not for my relationship, although it certainly helps me to be more accountable/motivated when you have a partner who lives a healthy lifestyle (I might be a bit more intense with my eating habits as I'm trying to lose weight, while he's trying to gain weight/muscle). So I get your reasoning for wanting your guy to be healthier, but I just don't think someone should or could change for someone else if they don't want to do it.

Good luck figuring out what to do.:flowerforyou:

ginadaye

I can tell you that there is aboslutely no way you can help someone who doesn't want help. My husband and I have been married 42 years. I am overweight, he is NOT. About 15 years ago he became diabetic. I tried to help him with diet and exercise, but he wouldn't let me so he moved on to pills for his diabetes. To make a long story short . . . he is on four, yes 4, insulin shots a day. Or at least he is supposed to be. He takes them when he feels like it. He lives in denial. I have cried, begged, and threatened to leave rather than watch him kill himself (he has had a heart stint put in and now has Diabetes Retinopathy, but when I explained to him how serious a problem it can be, his response was, "Do you know anyone who has gone blind from diabetes?" He is my soulmate and I love him more than life itself, but because he can look in the mirror and see someone who looks great for 65, he lives in DENIAL big time.

I just found out I am diabetic and I went into a panic mode. Joined MFP and what do you think he did the very next day (after I expressed my fear of being diabetic)? Went out and bought me six mini packages of those little chocolate covered donuts that I love!

No, you can't change him. Either love him like he is or look for someone else. I love my hubby, pray and worry over him day and night. But now I have myself to worry about, so I won't be nagging him anymore.

Take care.

solflyer81

I understand completely. I feel you on the diabetes. It runs in my family. My grandmother has lived with it for almost 20 years now. I dont know how she did it. And one of my biggest fears is that I will get it. So good luck to you and congrats on being here, it definately helps.