Retirement and "Old Folks" homes. My rant.

ninerbuff

So across the street from me is a care home. It's an actual house but the residents are "old people" who were either put there by their children or by the state. The house is nice and big and the workers are nice too.
So here's my rant: Being a stay at home dad, I can just look out my window and many times I see cars pull up. Then people in their 40's, 50's get out usually carrying a bag or sometimes food. Now I'm GUESSING these are relatives or even children of these people. So I see the car, the people get out, then not more than 10 minutes later, they leave!!!!!! That's it? 10 minutes of visiting time till the next month?

Now being Asian, it's very common for us to have our parents live with us if they don't have a home of their own or if they physically or mentally need help. I hear comments all the time about "how many families live there?" from people who aren't Asian and part of the reason why is that we usually are a close knit family and it's just part of our culture. I could NEVER put my parents in a home. Our parents let us stay as long as we need to and not worry about kicking us out when we turn 18, which is why I think that people that do this to their kids are usually the ones who end up in retirement homes.

So is it just how I view it, or do many people who have their parents in homes do because it's their parents choice?

seriousaboutlife

Each family would come with their own history. I, for one, would never be able to take care of my parents, as I have a son with special needs. All you see is through your window. Looking into their lives... you would see a lot more.

Brandirina

There may be people that live there that receive food delivery, maybe? In my experience, it takes longer than 10 minutes to get checked in and make it to the person's room, let alone actually see them and visit.

I used to volunteer for a group called God's Love We Deliver and they provided meals for people that were terminally ill or couldn't provide for themselves due to age or illness. The deliveries were supposed to be quick and anonymous - so no logos on the vehicles or bags. Same way with Meals on Wheels.

Apryl546

I could never take care of my mom or dad when they get older. But I know I would do more then just visit for 10 minutes a month.

moushtie

Personally, when my mother gets frail enough to need help that my father can't provide, then she's going into a home. She has always been slightly mentally unstable, and as far as I'm concerned, I did enough work trying to keep her going when I was a child, and I really don't feel the need to let her take over my adult life too. If my mum wasn't around and my dad needed help, then maybe I would look after him.

I know it sounds harsh, but looking after my mother would deprive me of my own health, mental and physical. I left home as soon as I was able, rather than being pushed out, as your example gives.

But I have no problem with families that are closer knit living together if that's what works for them.

Gojira74

Some times, as in the case of many of my friends' parents, they require specific medical care and constant medical attention. In such a case, unless you are trained to provide that care or can afford an in home medical provider, I don't see any other option. If it is just a matter of living space, then I would also want my parents around. However, my parents were not abusive or destructive to my life as some people I have known. I think it is impossible to determine anything from an outside observation. There are people who abandon their parents to a nursing home, but I don't think that is always true of all patients or elderly. What is important to me is the quality of life my parents have after they stop being independent. I will do what is necessary to provide that, either myself, or with the help of a care giver.

jennyfair24

My grandmother is in a home...not by her choice or ours. She has dementia and is no longer able to walk or get up on her own. We simply could not care for her at home anymore and to have round the clock home care was just not an option financially. All of her kids and grandkids have a certain day they visit on so that she has someone everyday and for more than 10 minutes. We bring her her favorite foods and when its available we have the bus they use for residents take her to meet us at her favorite diner. Whenever there are an activities that she can go to (like the local fair that's coming up this weekend) we sign her up to go and try to have one of us attend. Its not an easy choice and we'd certainly rather have her home but unfortunately its just not an option. :ohwell:

nerdyandilikeit

My mom has told me several times that she DOESN'T want us to have her live with us if it comes to that. She says every time that she would feel too guilty about disrupting our lives no matter what we say differently to have any sort of comfort that way. My dad put my grandma in a home (she was in a wheelchair from a stroke) after my grandpa passed away, and he only begrudgingly visited her when we were there too, or she needed something.

I think it depends on the person that's responsible for the decision, but if my mom had to live with me it wouldn't be fun for either of us. We do NOT get along when we're under the same roof because we see things completely oppositely. Doesn't mean I wouldn't take her in if it came to it.

loriannmartin

i used to be a cna. at a nursing retirement home and yes there are some that get visitors and some dont.. i adopted alot of them for grandparents for me... mine all passed. we will be in the process of moving my mom in law in with us till she can find something in this state she is in NC. we are in PA. she has macular degeneration and will eventually be legally blind. it is sad that some families dump their parents off... but some have no choice.. i know when it comes to my family i would do anything to help them and not put them in a home...but it is a very sad situation ,

SarahofTwins

I agree coming from an asian background myself my mom (being korean) would probably kill me if I even thought of it lol:laugh: I could never do that, I would let them stay with me with the help of a home health aid. However I know others have different situations and have their own reasoning.

nurseredtx4

I think that it is a little of both. I work in nurse management in one of our local facilities. We do have a few elder patients who have checked themselves in because they do not want to be a burden to their families. These are also the people who have family come see them regularly, take them home for the weekend or just out to dinner during the week. On the flip side we have more family to literally try to drop the grandmother, mother sister daughter whatever at our doorstep because "they just cant handle them". It is sometimes very sad the condition they are brought to us in, how emotionally withdrawn they are and then they come to us and you begin to see a whole new person. And thats why we do the job that we do. We try to fill the void that some else has left. If that makes any sense

knapowell

I worked in a nursing home for several years. ABSOLUTELY a lot more of that happens than one would like to think, and I personally used to have big issues when I would see that. A lot of times it would be a "staff's favorite" resident. Then when I started working with care plans and finding out more about the resident's life history, I found a lot of cases where a favorite resident had been a pretty horrible person most of their lives. There were cases where (now elderly children) had been abandoned, neglected, and sometimes MUCH worse by these staff favorites. I worked in a 128 bed private care ($$$) nursing home. Now I try not to make judgements when I see something like that, but yes, it does happen.

Then there are those residents with alzhiemers or dementia that cannot tolerate visits from family. Some get so upset that it is not safe for family to visit. Those were some of the worst cases I would see. Loving families that wanted to visit, would have to just stop by and check on their loved one.

Brandirina

You should visit the home once in a while and even take your kid(s). Older people usually love to be around children and you could volunteer to be a part of an activity.

Lleldiranne

My grandma had a stroke about 4 1/2 years ago. She was living with my mom at the time, and after she was released from the hospital she went back to my mom's. It was only 2-3 months before my mom about had a mental breakdown. Grandma has always been somewhat critical, especially of mom, and with the stroke it just got worse, plus she couldn't remember a lot of things, especially regarding her timeline (yesterday and 60 years ago were the same to her). Anyway, 3 months after her stroke, my mom finally accepted that she couldn't do it and put grandma in a care center. It's been better for everyone! Someone visits her weekly (either my brother, my mom, or me, or several of us together), but she gets much better care and a lot more social activities there than she would living with my mom. (Grandma had always said that if she got to that point, especially with the dementia, that she would rather we put her in a home, but visit often)

It's a sad truth that many people just dump their elderly parents in a home and rarely visit them. But it's not always the case. In fact, I think that there are as many people in homes who have loving family who come to visit as those who just ignore them.

brandiuntz

There's a reasonably strong chance I will have to help my step-dad convince my mother to go to a home within a year or so, if she lives that long. Her health is deteriorating (Diabetes for over 40 years has taken its toll on her body, to say the least) and we are reaching the point where he can not take care of her alone, nor could anyone else without significant assistance from professionals. It's a tough situation. Not everyone can be taken care of by family.

As for what you see, I hope those people are visiting for more than 10 minutes once a week. But, you don't know the history or exact relation, so there is probably a story behind short visits.

I do get your concern. I think there are a lot of people out there who don't pay enough attention to family members as they get older (and/or disabled). My hope is there are plenty more that do.

zeeeb

10 minutes isn't very nice to give to your parents.

But i have a guy who is my step grandfather inlaw (so quite far removed). who will be going into a home around the corner from my house. he has nobody, no children, and only 2 couples (one of them is me and DP) will visit him when he goes there. i can imagine that i will frequently check in with him on my way past to the shops, so sometimes, i might only stay 10 minutes, drop in mail, run errands or whatever, as I'm just passing through. But he isn't my blood, just someone I know, who is related to my partner, but not by blood, and that I feel I should visit and check up on because he has nobody else, and because I'm close by.

I guess you don't know the people's situation or relationships, so it's hard to judge.

Many people need to go into homes because their family just can't provide the care required, if you work 8-10 hours a day, who is there to tend to that person, if they need full time care? sometimes it just doesn't work.

Also, many parents don't want to burden their children when they are in the prime of their lives, with young children, busy jobs etc. When i'm old, i don't want to burden my kids with me requiring their help all the time. i'd rather be in a home, than have to put my kids out when they are trying to build their lives,have their children etc... I hope to be in a position financially able to be where i want to be, doing things i want to do, and getting the care of my choice at that stage, rather than being dumped anywhere when the time comes. I'd rather make my own decision than have it forced upon me. Therefore I'll do it earlier rather than wait until things are diabolical.

ninerbuff

Each family would come with their own history. I, for one, would never be able to take care of my parents, as I have a son with special needs. All you see is through your window. Looking into their lives... you would see a lot more.

I have a second aunt with a special needs son and also caring for her mom who is ill from diabetes. It's hard, but she still does it.

Diary_Queen

My mother is only approaching 60 and she lives with me and my family since she's going blind in one eye. She still works and helps me with my kids, but I take her to the doctor and do all of her driving for her during the daytime when she's off work. Of course, that's just me.... when I was growing up, my parents tossed me out when I was 16 and I lived with friends until I graduated high school and put myself through college. That was their choice and doesn't have to be mine

LorinaLynn

My grandfather had to live in a nursing home when he developed Alzheimers and would wander off without telling anyone. When he lived alone, he only lived a block from our house, so we were always visiting him or having him over for dinner. But after his second heart attack, we knew he couldn't live alone any longer.

My parents were wracked with guilt over putting him in a home, until the one time we went to visit him, and we asked him how he liked living there, and he said it was great... but when did he let all these people move in with him? "They better be paying room and board."

lilRicki

my parent's have it in their living will to be put in extended care...even if one isn't ready to go and one is, they both go. It's what they want...I have a rehab diploma and a psych degree, and my mom stated that I am not to do anything that involves hygiene or medication delivery with her, I am her daughter, not her nurse. My dad just said to take him out to the forest and shoot him, but that's not going to happen, they're going to a facility that's just like a condo, but there's people there to help them if they fall or get sick.

HangoverSquare

My mom has taken care of sick family members in the past, instead of having them thrown away to rot in a nursing home. If there's ever a point when she can't take care of herself, I'll gladly do the same for her and take her into my home. I just don't believe that one should abandon a family member in one of these places. They're horrible, if you've ever been in one. Plus, there are always instances of patients being robbed or abused.

Your parents take care of you for the whole beginning of your life. You should have the decency to take care of them for the end of theirs.

ninerbuff

There may be people that live there that receive food delivery, maybe? In my experience, it takes longer than 10 minutes to get checked in and make it to the person's room, let alone actually see them and visit.

I used to volunteer for a group called God's Love We Deliver and they provided meals for people that were terminally ill or couldn't provide for themselves due to age or illness. The deliveries were supposed to be quick and anonymous - so no logos on the vehicles or bags. Same way with Meals on Wheels.

Deliveries I could see. Multiple people getting out of car with "gifts" don't seem like they are delivery people. Could be wrong.

Becky1971

My mom has said for as long as I can remember that she does not want us taking care of her when she's too old to care for herself, she has told us to put her in a home. She did move out of state about 7 years ago, so not much I can do at this point. But my sister eventually moved there and is now living in my mom and dads home with her kids, helping out with my dad. I don't know what will happen when my mom gets older, but I definitely would be willing to take her in. My mom wasn't the greatest of moms but I know she did her best, and it was a lot that she did do. I was kicked out at 17 for the stupidest reason, but that has no bearing on what I would do for my mom now. I definitely understand those who were abused and all not taking care of their parents. But other than that, to not give them more than 10 min once a month, is selfish and ridiculous!

otr12

I've done meals on wheels and it would have looked exactly like what you described.

I'm not close with my mother. She ignored me throughout my childhood and now I see her at Christmas. I would love to have a family like yours! It is unfortunate.

If I needed to be cared for in my older years I'd rather live in a home than burden my sons.

Thomasm198

I can't speak about every family but before she died we had to put my aunt in a home. She had developed Alzheimers. She needed 24 hour care. Her condition was so bad that she ended her life having to wear diapers.

My mother is 70 and my other aunt (who is partially blind) is 79. They weren't able to look after her. We never would have put her in the home otherwise.

So sometimes people are put in homes out of pure necessity.

thegymbunny

I volunteered in those places as a child and teen.

I'll never send my parents there. I saw too many basically sent there to die. Breaks my heart.
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Now I'm sure not all instances are like that, but it's the feeling I walked away with. I hope to goodness when my parents have that need I have the resources to do better for them

Carl01

My father was born in 1905 and I was in 1964,as such he became unable to drive (eyesight,hearing,etc not long after I was out of high school.
He passed away in 1995.
Mom was much younger but legally blind since childhood,throat cancer in 1986 left her without vocal cords,taste buds and having to breathe through a trach.
I stayed on here taking care of their basic needs as far as cutting firewood,shopping and paying bills for this crumbling old farmhouse.

In 2008 mom finally got to the point of complete blindness and understood it wasn`t safe for her to be here alone while I was at work nor could she easily feed herself so in March she entered a home.
I thought I could finally escape at that point but between the economy tanking and the realization it would be very difficult on her that didn`t happen.
I also could not bring myself to leave her to die even though I do have a brother that also visited.
He went to college in 1982 when I graduated high school so even though her son she held more of a "visitor" regard for him if that makes sense.

I would go there once a week for about a half hour and have to admit dreading it every time while hating myself for that.
It is such a horrible place to go to to see the empty shells of humanity lining the hallways and then your own family wasting away.
Mom died April 1st of this year and while still miss her terribly do not miss having to go there.

I guess the point out of all that is that while they provide an incredible act of service and it has to require just short of an angel to work there I can understand why some folks have a hard time witnessing what life sometimes becomes for people.
The day we took her there I think I cried most of the afternoon knowing that she was going to end her days in there.
Still tear up thinking about it but it was what had to be.

Take a step back and consider the whole picture and also as an obviously decent and caring guy see if there are activities you could help with.
It honestly would make a difference in what otherwise is a very sad set of circumstances.

ninerbuff

I guess it may be just in my culture then. People grow old and with them comes health issues. My grandmother lived with us till her death, and I had to drive her to many of her outings with other seniors or to the library or mall. Did it interfere with my life? Of course, but I loved her so much that it was more important to me to help her. When she died, I was left in a daze for over 3 months because a lot of my daily routine did involve helping her. To this day I'm SO HAPPY, that she was with us till she passed.

Situations are different I'll admit, but I really think that the love your receive overcomes the hardships.

darlilama

Yes, there are differences in cultures, but even in my grandparents day, they took care of their aging parents. That's how I got to know my great-grandfather. But, now, for many families, both adults work... sometimes to make ends meet... sometimes to give their own kids and themselves a little extra... sometimes to fulfill an inner need. But, if you really need the money ... or if you are a single parent (for whatever reason - no judgements), then it's just not possible or certainly not practical. Then, sometimes, you have an in-law issue... I told my husband that it would be pretty much impossible for me to live with his mother, EVER. She and I get along, but we wouldn't if we were under the same roof. Honestly, it's partly just her personality (she would likely treat me as her personal assistant) and partly it's because of other issues she has which she chooses not to deal with. My husband understood. We do provide his mother a lot of financial support and I found her a 50+ retirement community (she's now 80+) that perfectly fits her needs both physically and socially at this point in her life. I am also typically the one to research and shop for the things she needs. My father, on the other hand, has had several strokes and now has Alzheimer's as well. As of now, it would be very difficult to care for him at home. Earlier, though, we siblings did talk about options to keep him at home... but he only wanted to be in HIS home. Financially, mentally, it just didn't work out, unfortuantely. Also... he's 2 1/2 hours away from me, so I don't get to visit often. When I do, it's usually just for an hour... he can't really take any more than that and often sleeps while I am there.

All that to just give an example of one person with two different situations and no perfect answer for either!

I like the idea the other person had... why not take your kids there to volunteer/visit/something? It's very convenient for you and I bet they'd love it!

seriousaboutlife

Each family would come with their own history. I, for one, would never be able to take care of my parents, as I have a son with special needs. All you see is through your window. Looking into their lives... you would see a lot more.

I have a second aunt with a special needs son and also caring for her mom who is ill from diabetes. It's hard, but she still does it.

Each special needs situation is also different. Walk a mile in someone elses shoes before you judge their decisions.

ChitownFoodie

I'm Asian...I could never take care of my grandmother. She hated me....and that's not an exaggeration. She truly thought I was a second class citizen for being a female. My job was to be an incubator for her future great grandchildren. Trust me, I could take care of my parents if I had to, but my fathers mother......NEVER!