Trying to please everyone pleases NO one.

songbyrdsweet

So I have been friends with this girl, "Jill", since high school...we hung out ALL the time. Then she got a permanent s.t.d and my boyfriend found out. He found it disturbing that I was friends with her, not because of the std, but because she has unprotected sex a lot. I found it upsetting as well, so I minimized my communication with her greatly. She got a new group of friends and we would say hi via AIM briefly, and very seldom.

Then my bf and I had some problems back in March, and we took a 'break', something I NEVER thought I'd do. I met some dumb guy through her who ended up being a total idiot but some 'things' had happened between us before I realized that. Anyway, my bf and I got back together and now he hates Jill with a fiery passion.

Fast forward to now, and Jill and I talk a tiny bit more because she's met a very nice guy and doesn't know how to tell him about the std and has already had unprotected relations with him, which my bf is really upset by and that just feeds the flames of utter hatred. Jill wants to visit me to see how I'm doing b/c I got my colonoscopy today (which went just fine and they didn't see anything that struck them as odd, so we're getting biopsy results in a few weeks!). Well I'm not feeling well today and my bf doesn't want her within 10 feet of the apartment, so I said no. I told her she could come by tomorrow evening; I did that so I wouldn't offend her and my bf wouldn't have to see her b/c he'd be at work.

Well apparently that's not good enough, and he told me he didn't want her over here at all. He wants me to tell her never to talk to me again. I told him that is a difficult thing for me to do because I've known her for so long and she hasn't done anything wrong to me and she's trying to settle down and be honest with this new guy so I WANT to support her for that. And then he told me that he wasn't in the mood to come up with something nice to say to her. So I said I would need some help coming up with something to say. And asked if I just wanted him to leave and that I am UNGRATEFUL. Ungrateful for WHAT?!?! That he drove me home from the hospital today so I wouldn't crash and die?? That he made me a sandwich?? I DON'T GET IT. Usually I can read him really well but this was out of the blue and I already feel pretty yucky from the anesthesia and cramps so I just went out in the living room. These past weeks have been SO stressful and I'm already unhappy w/ my job and have like two friends so I really don't need this.

songbyrdsweet

So I have been friends with this girl, "Jill", since high school...we hung out ALL the time. Then she got a permanent s.t.d and my boyfriend found out. He found it disturbing that I was friends with her, not because of the std, but because she has unprotected sex a lot. I found it upsetting as well, so I minimized my communication with her greatly. She got a new group of friends and we would say hi via AIM briefly, and very seldom.

Then my bf and I had some problems back in March, and we took a 'break', something I NEVER thought I'd do. I met some dumb guy through her who ended up being a total idiot but some 'things' had happened between us before I realized that. Anyway, my bf and I got back together and now he hates Jill with a fiery passion.

Fast forward to now, and Jill and I talk a tiny bit more because she's met a very nice guy and doesn't know how to tell him about the std and has already had unprotected relations with him, which my bf is really upset by and that just feeds the flames of utter hatred. Jill wants to visit me to see how I'm doing b/c I got my colonoscopy today (which went just fine and they didn't see anything that struck them as odd, so we're getting biopsy results in a few weeks!). Well I'm not feeling well today and my bf doesn't want her within 10 feet of the apartment, so I said no. I told her she could come by tomorrow evening; I did that so I wouldn't offend her and my bf wouldn't have to see her b/c he'd be at work.

Well apparently that's not good enough, and he told me he didn't want her over here at all. He wants me to tell her never to talk to me again. I told him that is a difficult thing for me to do because I've known her for so long and she hasn't done anything wrong to me and she's trying to settle down and be honest with this new guy so I WANT to support her for that. And then he told me that he wasn't in the mood to come up with something nice to say to her. So I said I would need some help coming up with something to say. And asked if I just wanted him to leave and that I am UNGRATEFUL. Ungrateful for WHAT?!?! That he drove me home from the hospital today so I wouldn't crash and die?? That he made me a sandwich?? I DON'T GET IT. Usually I can read him really well but this was out of the blue and I already feel pretty yucky from the anesthesia and cramps so I just went out in the living room. These past weeks have been SO stressful and I'm already unhappy w/ my job and have like two friends so I really don't need this.

songbyrdsweet

Oh and by the way I DID thank him for driving me home and making me a sandwich. I don't see myself as ungrateful but maybe I am and I don't know it.

3babybeans

*HUGS* You're right. You can't please everyone. I think your bf is overreacting a little bit (as you probably already know), but I'm not sure how to "fix" that, kwim? I would tell you to meet your friend at a restaurant or bar or something, but that isn't the best place to discuss such a personal issue.

I *really* don't get the "ungrateful" part. Did anything else happen between your bf & "jill" that could be causing such a strong reaction to her coming over?

Good luck, SBS. Relationships, all of them, can be tricky to deal with.

HealthyKt78

I agree with meeting your friend outside of your home. But if I were you I would talk to your boyfriend and ask him why he hates Jill so much. I mean while it's a stupid thing to have unprotected sex, if she's always been a good friend to you then you have no reason not to go see her. It sounds like your boyfriend is overreacting but maybe he has his reasons and just doesn't know how to express them. Friends should always help each other while their in need. It sounds like your friend needs you and that should be something that your boyfriend understands.

That's just my opinion on the situation.

Anna_Banana

Song, sounds like you have a lot going on. First of all I think you may need to lose that man. He shouldn't make you choose between him and a friend. And he shouldn't call you names. I'm sorry, but any man worth keeping around needs to be supportive to you no matter what decissions you make, even if he doesn't agree. Also, what an *kitten* for putting more stress on you after you just had a colonoscopy. This is something he could have waited to bring up another day, and if he cared about you he would have just babied you a little today.

Okay as for your friend. If she has qualities that you like, and you like to hang with her that's great. Nobody says you have to like everything she does, as long as she doesn't pressure you into doing things you don't want to do. But you should say something to her about having unprotected sex with her bf with out telling him about the std. That's just not cool. He should be able to make the choice if he want's to risk it or not. When it comes to something you have to live with for the rest of your life that will affect every relationship you have for the rest of your life, it's basically lying by not telling him.

Hope this helps.

Get some rest before the next semester starts, and I'll be praying that your biopsy comes out okay.

crystal_sapphire

hmm that sounds like a sticky situation. In all honesty, it sounds like your bf is overeacting a lot. Like what business it is his that your friend has an std and why is he so defensive about it? For one thing, 1/5 people have herpes and 75% of the population will get HPV at some point in their lifetime (in which most won't know because they won't have symptoms). I'm only mentioning this because you said it's a permanent STD, not to mention that both of those can be passed on when you're even using condoms.

Pushing aside me being a nurse and giving out random medical info, you're right when you say you can't please everyone and that you really don't need the stress of balancing the two. I think that you're handing this as best as possible and that perhaps the three of you need to sit down and chat about ongoing issues.

Anna_Banana

*

I *really* don't get the "ungrateful" part. Did anything else happen between your bf & "jill" that could be causing such a strong reaction to her coming over?

I was kind of wondering that too. Another thought that came to my mind, and I'm not saying your bf did this or is doing this, but when I've been around people that have such a passion against some one, they are usually doing what they are fussing about the other person did. An example is that I had a friend that kept going on and on about another friend having an affair and how horrible that lady was being to her hubby. Come to find out she was having an affair also.

3babybeans

*

I *really* don't get the "ungrateful" part. Did anything else happen between your bf & "jill" that could be causing such a strong reaction to her coming over?

I was kind of wondering that too. Another thought that came to my mind, and I'm not saying your bf did this or is doing this, but when I've been around people that have such a passion against some one, they are usually doing what they are fussing about the other person did. An example is that I had a friend that kept going on and on about another friend having an affair and how horrible that lady was being to her hubby. Come to find out she was having an affair also.

I hate to ditto that, but that's kind of what I was getting at. :frown:

songbyrdsweet

Nah, he would never have a 'thing' with her lol...he didn't like her from the start, said her voice is like nails on a chalkboard and would pretty much leave the room when she was there. She doesn't have HPV, she has herpes, but either way we both sort of feel disdain for the fact that she has unprotected sex knowingly. I've talked to her about it and tried to come up with ways to tell her new bf.

Well in that span of 10 minutes my bf came out in the living room and apologized and we talked it over. No disagreements last very long between us. He just attaches that 'break' situation to her, but he agreed it made sense that she's not my babysitter and wouldn't have done anything to prevent it, and it's hard for me to say anything to her because she hasn't 'wronged' me in any way. I am okay with changing things that make him uncomfortable and are reasonable, but it's hard for me to tell people I just don't want to see them anymore. Usually I will just let the friendship peter out and the other person will as well. But she is very...well she always has a presence.

songbyrdsweet

3 baby, that is a good idea, to meet outside the house. That way it's easier to come up with reasons not to hang out with her too much (No money! lol). Plus then my bf won't feel impeded upon. TBH, she is really loud.

jackeh

I find it really odd that he doesnt want you to associate with her cause she has an STD... its not like your having unprotected sex with her and passing it on to him.... And i dont think its fair that he doesnt want you to be friends with her because HE doesnt like her... men are stupid
he is being irrational she is your friend and WHY NOT have her over when he isnt there if she annoys him so much... omg that sooo wouldnt fly with me lol:grumble:
jackie

songbyrdsweet

I find it really odd that he doesnt want you to associate with her cause she has an STD... its not like your having unprotected sex with her and passing it on to him.... And i dont think its fair that he doesnt want you to be friends with her because HE doesnt like her... men are stupid
he is being irrational she is your friend and WHY NOT have her over when he isnt there if she annoys him so much... omg that sooo wouldnt fly with me lol:grumble:
jackie

Well it's not the STD that bothers him, it's the irresponsibility. And that bothers me too, but I have addressed that with her already.

We've uncovered the root of the problem though...he (and I) were disappointed in my actions, but instead of being totally disappointed in me, he projected it onto her--like, why didn't she step in and tell me I was being a dummy? But I don't resent her because I take full responsibility for being a dummy.

3babybeans

Well, I'm glad you & the bf talked it out & figured out some stuff. Good luck with everything & take care of yourself tonight!

songbyrdsweet

Well, I'm glad you & the bf talked it out & figured out some stuff. Good luck with everything & take care of yourself tonight!

Thank you! :happy: I just had to vent LOL. We always work things out and learn more about each other every time. I am feeling pretty good, apparently I told the nurse I was going to scan the pics of my colon into my computer and use it for a future physiology class. :laugh: I'm just like, gurgly now. :embarassed:

songbyrdsweet

Oh, and the ungrateful part...he said he didn't really mean it like that. I said "I don't want this day to get any worse," and he thought I meant HE was making the day worse. But really I just meant having a friend over right at this moment when I'm feeling gurgly and then trying to tell her that I don't want to talk to her because my bf doesn't like her...that wouldn't improve my day.

I told him that if he harbors these feelings for her, he needs to tell her. He was never a mouthpiece for me to his friends, so I always stuck up for myself. He can do the same.

crystal_sapphire

glad everything worked out. communication is the key to all relationships

3babybeans

Well, I'm glad you & the bf talked it out & figured out some stuff. Good luck with everything & take care of yourself tonight!

Thank you! :happy: I just had to vent LOL. We always work things out and learn more about each other every time. I am feeling pretty good, apparently I told the nurse I was going to scan the pics of my colon into my computer and use it for a future physiology class. :laugh: I'm just like, gurgly now. :embarassed:

That's hilarious! It only makes sense. You're going through it, might as well serve a double purpose. :laugh:

songbyrdsweet

glad everything worked out. communication is the key to all relationships

Indeed. We are always very honest with each other. But opening up to a person can leave you vulnerable and hurt their feelings as well, so it's rarely a Hallmark commercial.

jackeh

I find it really odd that he doesnt want you to associate with her cause she has an STD... its not like your having unprotected sex with her and passing it on to him.... And i dont think its fair that he doesnt want you to be friends with her because HE doesnt like her... men are stupid
he is being irrational she is your friend and WHY NOT have her over when he isnt there if she annoys him so much... omg that sooo wouldnt fly with me lol:grumble:
jackie

Well it's not the STD that bothers him, it's the irresponsibility. And that bothers me too, but I have addressed that with her already.

We've uncovered the root of the problem though...he (and I) were disappointed in my actions, but instead of being totally disappointed in me, he projected it onto her--like, why didn't she step in and tell me I was being a dummy? But I don't resent her because I take full responsibility for being a dummy.

ok i agree that she is irresponsible and of course her partners should know that she has an STD before she has unprotected sex with them
But that being said I DO think you need to not hold yourself responsible for her bad choices... if anything she is making bad choices for a reason, fear of being alone comes to mind... perhaps she needs a good friend to talk to and stuff? I still DONT think that you losing her as a friend is ok, i understand if you dont want to be her BFF but dont drop her cause he doesnt agree with her choices... i think you might regret it in the end...
just my opinion :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:
And im glad you and your boyfriend worked it out
jackie



crap i really hope that didnt come out too harsh.... I have had friends and family drop me though when i had kids and was not married ... and it bothered me ALOT ... i just dont want you to lose her for the wrong reasons:flowerforyou:

songbyrdsweet

I find it really odd that he doesnt want you to associate with her cause she has an STD... its not like your having unprotected sex with her and passing it on to him.... And i dont think its fair that he doesnt want you to be friends with her because HE doesnt like her... men are stupid
he is being irrational she is your friend and WHY NOT have her over when he isnt there if she annoys him so much... omg that sooo wouldnt fly with me lol:grumble:
jackie

Well it's not the STD that bothers him, it's the irresponsibility. And that bothers me too, but I have addressed that with her already.

We've uncovered the root of the problem though...he (and I) were disappointed in my actions, but instead of being totally disappointed in me, he projected it onto her--like, why didn't she step in and tell me I was being a dummy? But I don't resent her because I take full responsibility for being a dummy.

ok i agree that she is irresponsible and of course her partners should know that she has an STD before she has unprotected sex with them
But that being said I DO think you need to not hold yourself responsible for her bad choices... if anything she is making bad choices for a reason, fear of being alone comes to mind... perhaps she needs a good friend to talk to and stuff? I still DONT think that you losing her as a friend is ok, i understand if you dont want to be her BFF but dont drop her cause he doesnt agree with her choices... i think you might regret it in the end...
just my opinion :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:
And im glad you and your boyfriend worked it out
jackie

Oh I won't stop being her friend. She needs someone level-headed like myself. :laugh: I give her some really good advice, if I do say so myself. :smokin: But I can't babysit her either, so she has to live with her choices.

jackeh

I find it really odd that he doesnt want you to associate with her cause she has an STD... its not like your having unprotected sex with her and passing it on to him.... And i dont think its fair that he doesnt want you to be friends with her because HE doesnt like her... men are stupid
he is being irrational she is your friend and WHY NOT have her over when he isnt there if she annoys him so much... omg that sooo wouldnt fly with me lol:grumble:
jackie

Well it's not the STD that bothers him, it's the irresponsibility. And that bothers me too, but I have addressed that with her already.

We've uncovered the root of the problem though...he (and I) were disappointed in my actions, but instead of being totally disappointed in me, he projected it onto her--like, why didn't she step in and tell me I was being a dummy? But I don't resent her because I take full responsibility for being a dummy.

ok i agree that she is irresponsible and of course her partners should know that she has an STD before she has unprotected sex with them
But that being said I DO think you need to not hold yourself responsible for her bad choices... if anything she is making bad choices for a reason, fear of being alone comes to mind... perhaps she needs a good friend to talk to and stuff? I still DONT think that you losing her as a friend is ok, i understand if you dont want to be her BFF but dont drop her cause he doesnt agree with her choices... i think you might regret it in the end...
just my opinion :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:
And im glad you and your boyfriend worked it out
jackie

Oh I won't stop being her friend. She needs someone level-headed like myself. :laugh: I give her some really good advice, if I do say so myself. :smokin: But I can't babysit her either, so she has to live with her choices.

good oh and i hope you got the edited part up there ^^^^^^^^^ i wasnt trying to be harsh when i wrote that sorry :smooched:

songbyrdsweet

I find it really odd that he doesnt want you to associate with her cause she has an STD... its not like your having unprotected sex with her and passing it on to him.... And i dont think its fair that he doesnt want you to be friends with her because HE doesnt like her... men are stupid
he is being irrational she is your friend and WHY NOT have her over when he isnt there if she annoys him so much... omg that sooo wouldnt fly with me lol:grumble:
jackie

Well it's not the STD that bothers him, it's the irresponsibility. And that bothers me too, but I have addressed that with her already.

We've uncovered the root of the problem though...he (and I) were disappointed in my actions, but instead of being totally disappointed in me, he projected it onto her--like, why didn't she step in and tell me I was being a dummy? But I don't resent her because I take full responsibility for being a dummy.

ok i agree that she is irresponsible and of course her partners should know that she has an STD before she has unprotected sex with them
But that being said I DO think you need to not hold yourself responsible for her bad choices... if anything she is making bad choices for a reason, fear of being alone comes to mind... perhaps she needs a good friend to talk to and stuff? I still DONT think that you losing her as a friend is ok, i understand if you dont want to be her BFF but dont drop her cause he doesnt agree with her choices... i think you might regret it in the end...
just my opinion :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:
And im glad you and your boyfriend worked it out
jackie

Oh I won't stop being her friend. She needs someone level-headed like myself. :laugh: I give her some really good advice, if I do say so myself. :smokin: But I can't babysit her either, so she has to live with her choices.

good oh and i hope you got the edited part up there ^^^^^^^^^ i wasnt trying to be harsh when i wrote that sorry :smooched:

Ma'am, you are talking to the Queen Of Harsh. :laugh: I am VERY honest. If I didn't want to be her friend, I'd tell her. I told plenty of other people associated with that 'break' that communicating with them would be inappropriate. I think you sounded just fine :flowerforyou:

arewethereyet

My DH didnt like a GF of mine, years ago.........when we 1st got together. He said she was no good and a liar. He did not want me to see her ever again. I declined this demand, and continued to be friends with her. Unfortunalty she was not MY friend. She turned out to be a lying, cheating, money stealing *****.

I think men see things a bit clearer in this area because they are not influenced my emotion and decorum. He really could care less if he hurts someones feelings.....he just has no time for ppl that do not add anything good to his life.

He is simple like that. He was RIGHT about the GF because in the end she 'broke up' with me. Stole 4 grand and told me I was a judgemental, controlling witch.

So take a long look, maybe he is seeing something you are not.

PS I hope you feel better and the scope wasnt too bad!!:flowerforyou:

songbyrdsweet

My DH didnt like a GF of mine, years ago.........when we 1st got together. He said she was no good and a liar. He did not want me to see her ever again. I declined this demand, and continued to be friends with her. Unfortunalty she was not MY friend. She turned out to be a lying, cheating, money stealing *****.

I think men see things a bit clearer in this area because they are not influenced my emotion and decorum. He really could care less if he hurts someones feelings.....he just has no time for ppl that do not add anything good to his life.

He is simple like that. He was RIGHT about the GF because in the end she 'broke up' with me. Stole 4 grand and told me I was a judgemental, controlling witch.

So take a long look, maybe he is seeing something you are not.

PS I hope you feel better and the scope wasnt too bad!!:flowerforyou:

Wow! Well it sounds like it's a good thing she's not in your life anymore.
I can definitely understand where my bf is coming from. He thinks she is a bad influence, and I admittedly am somewhat influenced by her. She is so carefree, has so much fun, does exotic things like skydiving and traveling. And I am tied down--I want to get good grades, make money, eat healthy. So when I'm around her I tend to let loose, and I know that makes him uncomfortable due to our break.

I try to hang out with her minimally, and only said she could come over when he's not home so he doesn't have to deal with her, and since I'm poor and don't feel good I won't go out. To be honest, he was similarly influenced by his friends before our break and was drinking sooooooooooooo much. He even drove one night while under the influence and I can't put into words how angry I was. But he listened to my concerns and hangs out with them much less now, thus drinking a lot less (and he hasn't driven again because he knows I'll take a kitchen knife to his tires if he does :devil: ).

The scope wasn't bad, and actually neither was the prep. The nurses were very nice and I was totally OUT. What a great nap hah! The only bad part was being SUPER hungry all day and this morning!

arewethereyet

Oh yeah, you cant eat for days before and you have to drink some type of fluid, right?? I have never had one, but my friend did.

Well that was one more experience for you Dr. Songbird S. Sweet FACS

songbyrdsweet

Oh yeah, you cant eat for days before and you have to drink some type of fluid, right?? I have never had one, but my friend did.

Well that was one more experience for you Dr. Songbird S. Sweet FACS

LOL I like the human body but I don't think I want to give colonoscopies for a living! :laugh:
I had to take Dulcolax and Miralax from 3-9pm the night before and had to fast all day. The laxatives didn't cause any cramping so it wasn't bad.

The camera was SO cool though. They wheeled me into this room with two big flat screen TV's and they were on, so I noticed there was a picture there because the camera was on. It was a loooooooong tube, not very big. Then I also got hooked up to an EKG and got to see my PQRST waves, which went all wacky when she put the needle in my arm. I hate needles. :blushing: And I got oxygen in my nose and a pulse reader on my finger. Then I had to turn over on my side LOL...no modesty in those hospital gowns. But I was conscious long enough to say a sentence "Oh, dietetics, cool..." and then I woke up to myself drinking some ginger ale. Apparently I'd been awake for a couple minutes but didn't actually 'come to' until they gave me a different IV. My bf had to help dress me and walk me out LOL. I had some discomfort afterward but took a couple tylenol and now I just feel tired but not bad at all. They took some biopsies and I'll get the results in a couple weeks. They're looking for microscopic colitits or ileitis.

So whoever is getting a colonoscopy next, now you know what to expect.

3babybeans

One of my very best friends had to go through all that crap not too long ago & she was diagnosed with Crohn's soon after. She's in "remission" now & doing great! Just has to keep up with a good diet & keep her stress level minimum. I don't know what your whole story is, Song (must have missed it somewheres...) but I hope the outcome is a good one! :flowerforyou:

arewethereyet

Oh yeah, you cant eat for days before and you have to drink some type of fluid, right?? I have never had one, but my friend did.

Well that was one more experience for you Dr. Songbird S. Sweet FACS

LOL I like the human body but I don't think I want to give colonoscopies for a living! :laugh:
I had to take Dulcolax and Miralax from 3-9pm the night before and had to fast all day. The laxatives didn't cause any cramping so it wasn't bad.

The camera was SO cool though. They wheeled me into this room with two big flat screen TV's and they were on, so I noticed there was a picture there because the camera was on. It was a loooooooong tube, not very big. Then I also got hooked up to an EKG and got to see my PQRST waves, which went all wacky when she put the needle in my arm. I hate needles. :blushing: And I got oxygen in my nose and a pulse reader on my finger. Then I had to turn over on my side LOL...no modesty in those hospital gowns. But I was conscious long enough to say a sentence "Oh, dietetics, cool..." and then I woke up to myself drinking some ginger ale. Apparently I'd been awake for a couple minutes but didn't actually 'come to' until they gave me a different IV. My bf had to help dress me and walk me out LOL. I had some discomfort afterward but took a couple tylenol and now I just feel tired but not bad at all. They took some biopsies and I'll get the results in a couple weeks. They're looking for microscopic colitits or ileitis.

So whoever is getting a colonoscopy next, now you know what to expect.

That is some great info. Women my age, well I think 50+ are supposed to have a scope. a lot of them done go due to fear. This really shows me what occurs and now when it is my turn I will be ready!

Dr Byrd....you are SOOOO gonna rock the medical world!!

1Corinthians13

I'm somewhat late to the game, but it sounds like you're working everything out!

I've had a colonoscopy AND a wireless capsule endoscopy...and yes for both things you have to eat nothing for soooo long! haha.