A Trip to Sam's Club: So funny!

DeeDeeLHF · September 2011

I am sorry that I cannot give credit where credit is due on this one. While going through my grandmother's belongings, we found an old tin coffee can filled with clipping from newspapers over the years. They are all funny anecdotes and this is one that had me laughing and thinking about so many of you so I had to share!

A TRIP TO SAM'S CLUB
Yesterday I was at my local SAM'S CLUB buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and havelittle to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete soit works well and I was going to try it again.. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with mystory.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because thedog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's *kitten* and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Sam's Club won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people! They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends.......

1113cw · September 2011

OMG.. hysterical.. so needed that!
Thanks for sharing!

njbooklover · September 2011

bump

leynak · September 2011

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Sugarchef · September 2011

That is a GREAT one!!! Thanks for the laugh this morning

nakabi · September 2011

tooo funny!!!! Thanks for sharing!

darlalu00 · September 2011

That's just awesome...I love it!!! Thanks for the laugh, I needed that.

TinaDay1114 · September 2011

I think I need to take up this line of work when I retire. I think I could do "smart *kitten*" pretty well...

Dolphingirlie81 · September 2011

LOL, thats funny.. Here's another one.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration? '

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!!