Advice/opinion/overwhelmed

Dolphingirlie81

Sometimes it's nice to get opinions and advice from strangers. Here it goes:

My aunt who was like a second mom to me growing up is really sick and will be in the hospital for the next 6-8 weeks (Assuming she will pull through and I hope and pray she does). Anyways I got a call on Saturday from my cousin asking if I would come and stay with her (they live in a different state) while her mom is in the hospital. Ok, I know you're thining no big deal right? Well, here's where I get overwhelmed. My cousin just got out of juvie about 2 months ago and is on probation. Her PO says that while her mom is in the hospital that she can't be alone and she needs supervison. That means if I agree, I will be responsible for a 17 year old. But the fact that my cousin and her PO told me that I would be responsible for her and her actions. I would be the one held accountable. Yes, I know 17, she should be held for her own responsiblity and actions, but her PO said I would be the one in charge of her and that means I would take on full responsiblity to make sure she doesn't do something she isn't suppose to do.(she doesn't know her father, she doesn't know our fathers side of the family and her older sister wants nothing to do with her or mom after a stupid fight that happened 4 yrs ago!) So I'm the only one that she has. I was 17 once, and I know how I was at the age, but I'm not going to go into that. On one hand I feel like I should do this, I don't want my aunt to worry or stress about her daughter, while she is in the hospital. I want her to get better, but on the other hand I'm not so sure that I'm ready to take on that kind of responsibility.I don't want to give up on my cousin, I know she can get back on the right track, maybe I'm the one that help her do that, or maybe not .I'm just questioning myself Am I ready to take this kind of responsiblity head on. I helped raised my 3 yr old nephew, but 17 is alot different than a 3 yr old. My head and heart are disagreeing with each other as usual. My head says NO, but my head says YES.

Now let's say I agree to do this. I know I will be overwhelmed. I won't have my friends around, I won't be on MFP much. Since I came back on this site a month ago, I feel like I'm doing good 10 pds gone and I don't want to stop. But the thing is, in the past when I got overwhelmed I would give up, that was my excuse. But after thinking about it, everyone gets overwhelmed from time to time, but that doesn't mean you have to give up. I'm sure some people on here, since joining MFP has been overwhelmed with something, so how did you overcome it?

I feel like I'm being tested.

HollyTsiaussis

Well, I have a question before giving advice, is there anyone else that can look after her?

rachelleahsmom

That was my question, too. If you don't go, what will the 17 year old do then? Are you sure you would be responsible legally? I know you want to help your aunt, but this seems like a huge can of worms without having more info to protect yourself.

Dolphingirlie81

Well, I have a question before giving advice, is there anyone else that can look after her?

she doesn't know her father, she doesn't know our fathers side of the family and her older sister wants nothing to do with her or mom after a stupid fight that happened 4 yrs ago! And from what I heard, her moms side of the family doesn't really want anything to do with her cause of the mistakes that she did.

rachelleahsmom

Can you consult with a low cost attorney, a counselor or pastor? Check for legal aid in the state where your niece lives and see what advice they give you. Or, consult the department of corrections or department of human services in her state. They should be able to help you with the technical info. Only you and those close to you can help with the emotional issues. Best of luck and prayers for your aunt.

NoAdditives

I'm not understanding what's so overwhelming about this potential situation. You stay with your cousin, you do things together, you make sure she doesn't get into trouble. Babysitting a teenager doesn't sound like a big deal to me. Of course, I don't know what she was in trouble for, but if she's reaching out to you because she has no one else it sounds like she probably learned her lesson and wants to stay out of trouble.

rachelleahsmom

Well, I have a question before giving advice, is there anyone else that can look after her?

she doesn't know her father, she doesn't know our fathers side of the family and her older sister wants nothing to do with her or mom after a stupid fight that happened 4 yrs ago! And from what I heard, her moms side of the family doesn't really want anything to do with her cause of the mistakes that she did.

So that means it is you or... nobody? Or, she goes back to jail?

Hellbent_Heidi

You need to give this some thought before you commit. In the grand-scheme of things, its not a long time. I'm sure you can handle 6-8 weeks, but its also a big responsibility to take on.

Try to fast-forward 8 weeks (or heck, even two years) from now and think....are you more likely to regret taking her in, or NOT helping out?

Not trying to push any opinion here...that answer is up to you...but if you are going to regret it one way or the other, then that will help with your answer.

Dolphingirlie81

Well, I have a question before giving advice, is there anyone else that can look after her?

she doesn't know her father, she doesn't know our fathers side of the family and her older sister wants nothing to do with her or mom after a stupid fight that happened 4 yrs ago! And from what I heard, her moms side of the family doesn't really want anything to do with her cause of the mistakes that she did.

So that means it is you or... nobody? Or, she goes back to jail?

Basically. But i'm not sure about the jail part. They didn't tell me if she doesn't have anyone that she will go back to jail.

amewha

Could your cousin move to stay with you for the 8 weeks? or is that prevented by her PO?

Perhaps she could be helped by being away from the area/friends/etc that contributed to her being in Juvi in the first place.

tallen3687

I had someone like you in my life and I was able to get my life on track. Could you live with yourself if you don't try? You are the only one who can make this decision. Good Luck.

Dolphingirlie81

I'm not understanding what's so overwhelming about this potential situation. You stay with your cousin, you do things together, you make sure she doesn't get into trouble. Babysitting a teenager doesn't sound like a big deal to me. Of course, I don't know what she was in trouble for, but if she's reaching out to you because she has no one else it sounds like she probably learned her lesson and wants to stay out of trouble.

She's been in juvie 3 different times for stealing cars and one time for stealing her moms credit card. She told me she learned her lesson, but of course she said that the first time she was in juvie. So I'm hoping the 3rd time was enough.

Dolphingirlie81

Could your cousin move to stay with you for the 8 weeks? or is that prevented by her PO?

Perhaps she could be helped by being away from the area/friends/etc that contributed to her being in Juvi in the first place.

That's what I was thinking. I would have to ask her PO. But I also don't think she wants to leave her mom by herself at the hospital. She goes there everyday to visit.

Hoppymom

If the PO say you are responsible does that mean that if hshe does something that you are on the hook for restitution? Check with a lawyer first.

jkestens63

Personally I would not do it. That is an awful lot of responsibility to take on especially being away from home home where your natural supports are. Some folks have said its "only" 6-8 weeks but a bad decision on her part in moments time can affect both of your lives forever. I know the young lady is in part reaching out to you because she doesn't want end up in a detention center of a halfway house or even foster care while her mom is laid up, HOWEVER this is a good opportunity for her to really learn that her actions have negative consequences that she could not anticipate. It could be a very important life lesson for her to help her stay on the right track.

I'm sure some people will say I should be more charitable and be willing to help others but its one thing to help others and its another to do so at what could be considerable emotional and financial cost to yourself. This isn't just a favor, this is a committment to taking care of someone who already has problems.

Bottom line though, you need to do what you think is going to be best for you - put her aside when you're thinking this through. Because if you are miserable and unhappy about the decision either way, you're going sabotage the progress you've made so far. Good to luck to both of you.

NoAdditives

Could your cousin move to stay with you for the 8 weeks? or is that prevented by her PO?

Perhaps she could be helped by being away from the area/friends/etc that contributed to her being in Juvi in the first place.

That's what I was thinking. I would have to ask her PO. But I also don't think she wants to leave her mom by herself at the hospital. She goes there everyday to visit.

Normally, people on probation aren't allowed to leave their state.

Hellbent_Heidi

Could your cousin move to stay with you for the 8 weeks? or is that prevented by her PO?

Perhaps she could be helped by being away from the area/friends/etc that contributed to her being in Juvi in the first place.

That's what I was thinking. I would have to ask her PO. But I also don't think she wants to leave her mom by herself at the hospital. She goes there everyday to visit.

In this situation, you'd also need to seriously consider whether you can trust her in your home....

NoAdditives

I'm not understanding what's so overwhelming about this potential situation. You stay with your cousin, you do things together, you make sure she doesn't get into trouble. Babysitting a teenager doesn't sound like a big deal to me. Of course, I don't know what she was in trouble for, but if she's reaching out to you because she has no one else it sounds like she probably learned her lesson and wants to stay out of trouble.

She's been in juvie 3 different times for stealing cars and one time for stealing her moms credit card. She told me she learned her lesson, but of course she said that the first time she was in juvie. So I'm hoping the 3rd time was enough.

I'm not one to give up on family, so if I were in your situation I would go stay with her. She clearly needs a good influence in her life and since her mother is in the hospital she needs a strong role model more than ever. I understand that it will be stressful but you could really do her some good by being with her. You can get help get her education on track, you can get her away from the negative influences in her life. It's work, but isn't she like a sister to you?

Dolphingirlie81

I'm not understanding what's so overwhelming about this potential situation. You stay with your cousin, you do things together, you make sure she doesn't get into trouble. Babysitting a teenager doesn't sound like a big deal to me. Of course, I don't know what she was in trouble for, but if she's reaching out to you because she has no one else it sounds like she probably learned her lesson and wants to stay out of trouble.

She's been in juvie 3 different times for stealing cars and one time for stealing her moms credit card. She told me she learned her lesson, but of course she said that the first time she was in juvie. So I'm hoping the 3rd time was enough.

I'm not one to give up on family, so if I were in your situation I would go stay with her. She clearly needs a good influence in her life and since her mother is in the hospital she needs a strong role model more than ever. I understand that it will be stressful but you could really do her some good by being with her. You can get help get her education on track, you can get her away from the negative influences in her life. It's work, but isn't she like a sister to you?

Yep, I used to changer her diapers. I want to go and help her. In my mind, maybe I have the strength to help her and get her back on track. But there is this little doubt that keeps lingering. I know I should just push it aside and go for it and be there for her and her mom. I know it will be a challenge for me, But challenges are what makes a person stronger.

EDesq

Sometimes it's nice to get opinions and advice from strangers. Here it goes:

My aunt who was like a second mom to me growing up is really sick and will be in the hospital for the next 6-8 weeks (Assuming she will pull through and I hope and pray she does). Anyways I got a call on Saturday from my cousin asking if I would come and stay with her (they live in a different state) while her mom is in the hospital. Ok, I know you're thining no big deal right? Well, here's where I get overwhelmed. My cousin just got out of juvie about 2 months ago and is on probation. Her PO says that while her mom is in the hospital that she can't be alone and she needs supervison. That means if I agree, I will be responsible for a 17 year old. But the fact that my cousin and her PO told me that I would be responsible for her and her actions. I would be the one held accountable. Yes, I know 17, she should be held for her own responsiblity and actions, but her PO said I would be the one in charge of her and that means I would take on full responsiblity to make sure she doesn't do something she isn't suppose to do.(she doesn't know her father, she doesn't know our fathers side of the family and her older sister wants nothing to do with her or mom after a stupid fight that happened 4 yrs ago!) So I'm the only one that she has. I was 17 once, and I know how I was at the age, but I'm not going to go into that. On one hand I feel like I should do this, I don't want my aunt to worry or stress about her daughter, while she is in the hospital. I want her to get better, but on the other hand I'm not so sure that I'm ready to take on that kind of responsibility.I don't want to give up on my cousin, I know she can get back on the right track, maybe I'm the one that help her do that, or maybe not .I'm just questioning myself Am I ready to take this kind of responsiblity head on. I helped raised my 3 yr old nephew, but 17 is alot different than a 3 yr old. My head and heart are disagreeing with each other as usual. My head says NO, but my head says YES.

Now let's say I agree to do this. I know I will be overwhelmed. I won't have my friends around, I won't be on MFP much. Since I came back on this site a month ago, I feel like I'm doing good 10 pds gone and I don't want to stop. But the thing is, in the past when I got overwhelmed I would give up, that was my excuse. But after thinking about it, everyone gets overwhelmed from time to time, but that doesn't mean you have to give up. I'm sure some people on here, since joining MFP has been overwhelmed with something, so how did you overcome it?

I feel like I'm being tested.

My first question is: Do YOU have a Life where you Live, do you have a Job? TODAY, a JOB is NOT something you take for granted! Next, You are NOT responsible for your cousin's actions...if she does something "Stupid" and gets into trouble, SHE is RESPONSIBLE, SHE goes to Juvie or Jail. ALL You are responsible for is PROPER SUPERVISION...You can not "Control" the actions of ANYONE, NOT even a minor child - even then all a Parent's Responsibility is to PROPERLY SUPERVISE!

It is true that Loyalty is a Great Attribute, but it is also true that when someone "gives" it is done FREELY, with NO expectations of a return...IF they give with the EXPECTATION of getting something Back, it is NOT unconditional. If "giving" is NOT unconditional, then the giver Should tell the person what they expect in Return so one can choose whether to accept. If your Aunt gave Freely to you, she does not expect you to give up your life-where you are and take care of her or her daughter. If you choose to do that FREELY, then do it, FULLY knowing and accepting the consequences of Your choice.

Frankly, If it were Me and I had a job and a "life" where I am, I would not move. Your cousin is almost 18 yrs. old and will be on her "own" OR she can seek Emancipation from the court NOW, and be her own guardian, or you can see if she can relocate temporarily with you. If her own sister does not feel an Obligation to her or her mother (your Aunt), maybe you should reconsider the extent of your loyalty. TRUST Me, caring for a Teenager is one of the most difficult things that there is to do...one who is NOT your child is even tougher!

Enforcer25

Sounds like you have decided what to do, but I really do think you need to think about what EDesq said about your life and job, it maybe 6-8 weeks, but it could be longer. I really admire you for wanting to help out your cousin, but this will be a huge change for you. On the one had, you have a chance to help out your cousin, on the other hand this will be a big sacrifice on your part. Could she live with you for a short time and visit her mom on weekends? I don't know how far away you are talking, if it's not to far, I would check with her PO and see if this is an option. Good luck with this, this is a huge decision and honestly, you are the only one who knows what will be best for you.