Standing up for myself or being mean?

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abazooday727
abazooday727 Posts: 150
in Chit-Chat
Why is that when you make a major change in yourself and try to move on from being a DOORMAT that people all of a sudden think you are just being a B-word? No, I am not being that...I am just tired of being the people pleasing door mat the everyone steps on repeatedly! Yesterday, case-in-point, I talked to a coworker of mine. Told her how I wanted to know what was going on in my department and wanted to have a little more say in what happens when it involves me. All of a sudden, she starts going to everyone I work with, and appologizing for being "bossy". Saying that I brought it to her attention that she was being bossy, and she is sorry. Oh yeah...Cue her waterworks. WTH? I don't understand. I am sticking up for what I want...yet people think I am being mean...Are they afraid? Is my change freaking them out? WHAT IS IT!?

Replies

  • wickedcricket
    wickedcricket Posts: 1,246 Member
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    Americans use the b-word to control us. When you will NOT be controlled, you are a b****.
    I take it as a compliment and a sign that I'm moving in the right direction. The only thing worse than being talked about is NOT being talked about
  • Cindy311
    Cindy311 Posts: 780 Member
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    You're standing up for yourself and you should be proud! There is nothing wrong with having a voice, more people should use theirs :)
  • trilikeagirl
    trilikeagirl Posts: 218
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    Sounds like you were clear and it was her problem. Keep doing what you're doing, let her work out her own issues. All we owe other people is kindness. :) Good Luck.
  • hummzz
    hummzz Posts: 384 Member
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    My man had to teach me about boundaries when we first started dating 3 yrs ago. I wasn't a doormat, but I was the go to person for everyone's needs. Made them too lazy to do it for themselves because they knew I would pick up the slack. When I started creating boundaries I'm sure I was all kinds of B*tches, but my mental health and time are way more important to me than whatever they call me.

    You can't control what other's feel, but you also have to still be considerate of feelings. You can stand up for yourself with tact. I'm not sure what the tone of the conversation was but just be aware that you can be assertive without aggression.

    If she cried that's her issue...if it fixes the problem then great! Her tears are temporary and brought to her attention the issues of the office. No worries!
  • IronSmasher
    IronSmasher Posts: 3,908 Member
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    Manipulators are the b word.

    I couln't employ someone that thinks crying is part of a professional relationship.
  • macpatti
    macpatti Posts: 4,280 Member
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    People tend to use that word to describe people who are confident, speak up for themselves, or who are assertive. As long as you're not being mean (difference between confident and arrogant), then it's really their problem. If you've been a doormat and decided you've had enough, then they will do that because they can see you're changing and it hits home their own insecurities.
  • LeeshLove
    LeeshLove Posts: 197
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    Generally speaking people don't like change! We are creatures of habit, so when you ask if they are "scared" chances are the answer is "yes". Don't worry about others remember your doing this for yourself.

    Dr. Seuss said it best “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.”
  • missdaisy79
    missdaisy79 Posts: 566 Member
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    Apparently I was being a grumpy b**** yesterday in dance rehearsal, because I said No very firmly a couple of times. Cue snidey remarks from the rest of the troupe. Cheers girls.

    I agree with Iron Smasher - crying is not a professional way to behave in the office, not in reaction to something like this. I have had times where I've had to go and hide in the bathroom to cry, but not because of anything like that.
  • Gypsynana
    Gypsynana Posts: 9
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    Congratulations for standing up for yourself. Healthy people will look at that as a plus and be an encouragement to you. However, sometimes people do not like change especially if they have been able to "use" you in some way. Hang in there and you will gain their respect. Continue to be kind to others and be very kind to yourself as well. Let your actions allow others to see that change and they will respect you for it. In the mean time, be your own best friend and know that you are not a B...
  • abazooday727
    abazooday727 Posts: 150
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    Honestly, I told her about the changes I was making in my life. I am getting more control of myself and wanting it to reflect in my life. I was really asking to be delegated more responsibility. I swear I wasn't being mean or arrogant. There has been a change of Grade Chair teachers so I was wanting to know what she had planned for the future of my program.
  • vanessaclarkgbr
    vanessaclarkgbr Posts: 765 Member
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    Bah. Wait until she's calmed down and then tell her you need some time with her to discuss her over reaction to your discussion and ask her if she would like someone with her for that chat. I'd also question her need to be unprofessional in the office with her colleagues (probably at a later date). What she talks about outside of the office with her work mates is her own business, but in work time isn't acceptable. Don't bother too much about it, every workplace has them and chances are her colleagues wish she'd just get on with her work and stop distracting them with her game playing. I hate this sort of stuff, it makes women look weak, grrrrrr!!
  • Enforcer25
    Enforcer25 Posts: 350 Member
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    You did nothing wrong, your coworker needs to stop being so dramatic about this issue. My wife used to be a doormat until I told her to start standing up for herself at work, I told her you will be surprised how good you feel afterwards. She did this and she does feel better. She now stands up for things she believes need changing. Keep doing what you are doing and don't let your one coworker change that. Good luck.
  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,788 Member
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    I think the two are unrelated. I think you made her evaluate herself and she thought she was being bossy. Her making amends to her pervceived targets doesn't make her any worse of a person than you for standing up for yourself.

    Relax.
  • PlanetVelma
    PlanetVelma Posts: 1,231 Member
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    Every office has a crybaby, some people have to distract from the subject at hand in order to make "always about them". That is very frustrating, and annoying. There is a chance that she was just having an off day (so keep that in mind).

    I would just follow up with your conversation about the future of your program, etc...I would also suggest to be proactive and write up what YOU envision your program to consist of, perhaps you two can brainstorm and come up with a great program together w/out her feeling threatened or whatever that was all about.
  • fbmandy55
    fbmandy55 Posts: 5,263 Member
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    I understand where you are coming from.


    I am ALWAYS a doormat, I have a fear of rejection and coming off the wrong way to people. I think this is why I turned into such a people pleaser. It's gotten better since I've gained some confidence but I still need to work on it.
  • adrian_indy
    adrian_indy Posts: 1,444 Member
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    There is a huge difference between being assertive and being a b-word. It's the same difference between an assertive man and an a-hole.

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