Would you feel like your partner wasn't keeping up
Iamfit4life
Posts: 3,095 Member
their end of the relationship financially ... if you often had to pay for stuff..
here are the variables(it's a long disance relationship, a lot of flights, a lot of time off work)
One has great job, very little financial obligations
Themselves other has two kids to support, tons of financial obilgations, tons of things for the kids that just kind of spring up,
here are the variables(it's a long disance relationship, a lot of flights, a lot of time off work)
One has great job, very little financial obligations
Themselves other has two kids to support, tons of financial obilgations, tons of things for the kids that just kind of spring up,
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Replies
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yep! Time for them to do the traveling or at least paying for it.
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I have been in that same situation, and yes I did feel like my partner was not being financially responcible, I didn't care until it started affecting my finances that I used to take care of kids with. I always feel like go do whatever you want, as long as you pay for your things and bills, but it seems to be the opposite with most, they for some reason can never find the money to do the tihngs they should do with it.0
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If you're not splitting it halfsy, then whats the arrangement you discussed?
Do you expect the person with no children to pay more, because they have less expenses/financial obligations? If so, and the partner feels differently, then that's a MAJOR discussion to have.
Perhaps the long distance thing isn't good for the long run and the parent should either break it off and find a closer partner, or better express his/her concerns to the long distance partner.0 -
the more you pay, the more they let you? kick him to the curb NOW - you will NEVER recover your money - this person is a blood sucking leech and will never be anything else. Learn from my mistakes - run, do not walk and do not look back0
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sounds not fun, bye bye0
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If you were both in the same financial situation, it should be 1 pays for the travel, then the other pays for the travel, etc..
But if u earned more than the other person, you should pay twice, they pay once, u pay twice..
And if it was the other way around, and they were a bot better off that they should pay twice, u pay once, etc.
Or atleast thats what i would do.0 -
the more you pay, the more they let you? kick him to the curb NOW - you will NEVER recover your money - this person is a blood sucking leech and will never be anything else. Learn from my mistakes - run, do not walk and do not look back
well it's the opposite.
but thanks
lol0 -
it's kinda what you sign up for when you get into a LDR, to be honest. There will probably be times where one person can afford it more than the other. My bf and I split the cost normally...and sometimes one of us pays if the other can't. or one will pay for the airfare and the other will pay the 'spending money" part. it evens out.
if it was all one sided for awhile, i wouldn't mind if i was able to afford it without sacrificing things for my kids. he's worth it to me.
if you're feeling like you're just making more of an effort than he is, then that is a different question.0 -
it's kinda what you sign up for when you get into a LDR, to be honest. There will probably be times where one person can afford it more than the other. My bf and I split the cost normally...and sometimes one of us pays if the other can't. or one will pay for the airfare and the other will pay the 'spending money" part. it evens out.
if it was all one sided for awhile, i wouldn't mind if i was able to afford it without sacrificing things for my kids. he's worth it to me.
if you're feeling like you're just making more of an effort than he is, then that is a different question.
No, I'm feeling the opposite. Like I'm not doing enough. And he disagrees. He'd rather pay for our travel and make sure the kids and I are taken care of well.0 -
depends on how serious the relatioinship is. If it is one that is headed for marriage, then I say it is fine. If income is leaned heavily to one side in a marriage, it does not seem like that big of a deal.
BUT if it is a relationship that is just more fun/casual, I think that it would cause resentment problems down the road.0 -
oh, I thought it was the other way around, lol. If he wants to and he can afford it,let him. Just like if you were in his situation and he was in yours I am sure you would do the same for the kids. Do something special for him maybe, but it sounds like he is very caring adn considerate, like a keeper!0
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it's kinda what you sign up for when you get into a LDR, to be honest. There will probably be times where one person can afford it more than the other. My bf and I split the cost normally...and sometimes one of us pays if the other can't. or one will pay for the airfare and the other will pay the 'spending money" part. it evens out.
if it was all one sided for awhile, i wouldn't mind if i was able to afford it without sacrificing things for my kids. he's worth it to me.
if you're feeling like you're just making more of an effort than he is, then that is a different question.
No, I'm feeling the opposite. Like I'm not doing enough. And he disagrees. He'd rather pay for our travel and make sure the kids and I are taken care of well.
then let him pay!! he cares about u and know you have kids to care for 1st!!!0 -
it's kinda what you sign up for when you get into a LDR, to be honest. There will probably be times where one person can afford it more than the other. My bf and I split the cost normally...and sometimes one of us pays if the other can't. or one will pay for the airfare and the other will pay the 'spending money" part. it evens out.
if it was all one sided for awhile, i wouldn't mind if i was able to afford it without sacrificing things for my kids. he's worth it to me.
if you're feeling like you're just making more of an effort than he is, then that is a different question.
No, I'm feeling the opposite. Like I'm not doing enough. And he disagrees. He'd rather pay for our travel and make sure the kids and I are taken care of well.
I think he's trying to show you that he can take care of you. He knows you have other obligations that come first in your life. Don't sweat it.
Perhaps you and your boyfriend should sit down and talk about it? It sounds like you feel guilty for him paying stuff.
For me, a relationship is about giving and taking. My boyfriend and I split a lot of stuff, but there are times when I don't have the money for something and he does or vice versa. It all works out in the end.0 -
it's kinda what you sign up for when you get into a LDR, to be honest. There will probably be times where one person can afford it more than the other. My bf and I split the cost normally...and sometimes one of us pays if the other can't. or one will pay for the airfare and the other will pay the 'spending money" part. it evens out.
if it was all one sided for awhile, i wouldn't mind if i was able to afford it without sacrificing things for my kids. he's worth it to me.
if you're feeling like you're just making more of an effort than he is, then that is a different question.
I fail to see the problem here. If you can't afford to go see him all the time and he is willing to pay for it, then obviously he really cares about you and the kids and wants to be around you. You have move financial responsibility, if he wants to be with you then helping out financially is something that comes with the terf. I wouldn't stress about it, if he deems your worthy of his time and money then you should accept it and feel that you are worthy of it as well.
No, I'm feeling the opposite. Like I'm not doing enough. And he disagrees. He'd rather pay for our travel and make sure the kids and I are taken care of well.0 -
You know, these are just people in very different situations with very different obligations and financial constraints. I was in a long distance relationship with my now hubs for about 18 months and the one thing I learned from that is, you figure it out together. If the relationship is a viable one and worth the distance it doesn't matter who's traveling to see who, all that matters is that you see each other. It's a joint effort now, just as if things were to progress and you were pulling from the same pot you'd hope it would be a joint effort then too.0
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I think its more about the loving than the funding.0
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Its odd that you call someone who I presume is not your spouse and who lives far away a "partner". Partner implies shared efforts and responsibility. In a successful marriage there is no his and hers money and expenses, there is only family income, resources and expenses, because a marriage is truly a partnership. If you are in a dating relationship then there should be no presumption on the other parties resources beyond the limits of their willing generosity. (and aside from any moral issues, there is a real practical issue with someone responsible for two children traipsing across the country to date. It seems very selfish)0
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I'm not a fan of keeping score. There should be a natural balance in the relationship, but that doesn't mean it should be 50-50 on every aspect of every thing. I'm kind of a communist when it comes to relationships. Each person should contribute to the relationship to the best of his or her ability and consume from the relationship in proportion to his or her needs. :laugh: As long as, like the Beatles sang, the love you take is equal to the love you make.
My husband earns more than I do, since I'm only semi-self-employed and looking for a job, but we contribute equally to the relationship. At the moment, I do the bulk of the housework since he busts his butt at his job. When he was between jobs and I was working, he was more of a house-husband.
If you can't contribute as much financially, you can find other ways to show how much you care and appreciate him. (Oh, and I know there the male mind is going on this one!!!!!) Cook his favorite meal, make a mix cd of songs you both love, plan a low-cost night out... or in. You don't need to spend money to show you care.0 -
it's kinda what you sign up for when you get into a LDR, to be honest. There will probably be times where one person can afford it more than the other. My bf and I split the cost normally...and sometimes one of us pays if the other can't. or one will pay for the airfare and the other will pay the 'spending money" part. it evens out.
if it was all one sided for awhile, i wouldn't mind if i was able to afford it without sacrificing things for my kids. he's worth it to me.
if you're feeling like you're just making more of an effort than he is, then that is a different question.
No, I'm feeling the opposite. Like I'm not doing enough. And he disagrees. He'd rather pay for our travel and make sure the kids and I are taken care of well.
I was just in a situation like that...the guy I was dating wanted to pay for everything. He was in the financial position to do so, but I didn't want it to seem like I was "using" him. I felt like I wasn't contributing anything. He would pay to take me and my son places, he always filled up my car if we drove it somewhere, always trying to give me money. He even wanted to help buy me a new vehicle. And it bothered him that I wouldn't let him do more than he was because he said it made him feel good to be a "provider". I can understand that but I also didn't want to feel obligated. If something went wrong I didn't want him to come back and say "well you owe me because I did this or that for you". But we recently broke up over other issues and he's never once tried to make me feel that way.0 -
Its odd that you call someone who I presume is not your spouse and who lives far away a "partner". Partner implies shared efforts and responsibility. In a successful marriage there is no his and hers money and expenses, there is only family income, resources and expenses, because a marriage is truly a partnership. If you are in a dating relationship then there should be no presumption on the other parties resources beyond the limits of their willing generosity. (and aside from any moral issues, there is a real practical issue with someone responsible for two children traipsing across the country to date. It seems very selfish)
selfish? How?0 -
If you are in a dating relationship then there should be no presumption on the other parties resources beyond the limits of their willing generosity.
This. Doesn't matter how much money or what kind of financial obligations each person has. One person not having much disposable income does not give them license to mooch off their significant other, even if he/she happens to have a ton of extra cash lying around.
But if the other person wants to pay your travel expenses, let them. The reason it's okay is not because he has a lot of disposable income and you don't; it's because spending time with you is more important to him than money.0 -
Its odd that you call someone who I presume is not your spouse and who lives far away a "partner". Partner implies shared efforts and responsibility. In a successful marriage there is no his and hers money and expenses, there is only family income, resources and expenses, because a marriage is truly a partnership. If you are in a dating relationship then there should be no presumption on the other parties resources beyond the limits of their willing generosity. (and aside from any moral issues, there is a real practical issue with someone responsible for two children traipsing across the country to date. It seems very selfish)
selfish? How?
I would also like to know how this is selfish?0 -
Its odd that you call someone who I presume is not your spouse and who lives far away a "partner". Partner implies shared efforts and responsibility. In a successful marriage there is no his and hers money and expenses, there is only family income, resources and expenses, because a marriage is truly a partnership. If you are in a dating relationship then there should be no presumption on the other parties resources beyond the limits of their willing generosity. (and aside from any moral issues, there is a real practical issue with someone responsible for two children traipsing across the country to date. It seems very selfish)
If she were talking about her spouse she would probably say "spouse" or "husband". Often adults use the term partner for their signifcant other because boyfriend/girlfriend can sound immature to some adults. (Also whatever moral judgment you'd like to pass on a grown woman dating a grown man I can only hope would be completely ignored by the OP.)0 -
I'm confused .. A long distance relationship .. What exactly does THAT mean. Does this couple live together and are a commited couple, but perhaps one works out of town a lot, or they live completely seperately, and actually only 'date' or 'get together' on rare occasions? Huge difference when it comes to family or financial commitements.0
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nice, couldn't say it better Brett!Its odd that you call someone who I presume is not your spouse and who lives far away a "partner". Partner implies shared efforts and responsibility. In a successful marriage there is no his and hers money and expenses, there is only family income, resources and expenses, because a marriage is truly a partnership. If you are in a dating relationship then there should be no presumption on the other parties resources beyond the limits of their willing generosity. (and aside from any moral issues, there is a real practical issue with someone responsible for two children traipsing across the country to date. It seems very selfish)
If she were talking about her spouse she would probably say "spouse" or "husband". Often adults use the term partner for their signifcant other because boyfriend/girlfriend can sound immature to some adults. (Also whatever moral judgment you'd like to pass on a grown woman dating a grown man I can only hope would be completely ignored by the OP.)0 -
I'm not in a LDR, but I grew up and went to college in the northeast, and now live in North Carolina.....I have offered to help friends with flights down here but I have to be honest....it was me being selfish haha! As we speak 4 of my girlfriends in Philly are planning to come down, and 1 isn't in the easiest financial situation, so I'm helping her with her ticket. I know if they were in the position they would do the same for me.
I'm sure your partner just wants to see you, and isn't worried about the finances as much as the QT. So enjoy it, pull your weight in other areas
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their end of the relationship financially ... if you often had to pay for stuff..
here are the variables(it's a long disance relationship, a lot of flights, a lot of time off work)
One has great job, very little financial obligations
Themselves other has two kids to support, tons of financial obilgations, tons of things for the kids that just kind of spring up,
Yep. Done the travel thing, and because he had less work constraints/more money I only travelled to him one week in four. He was also responsible for fun stuff - holidays and meals out. Now he is going to Uni I will support us both, equality is just that, equal.0 -
Its odd that you call someone who I presume is not your spouse and who lives far away a "partner". Partner implies shared efforts and responsibility. In a successful marriage there is no his and hers money and expenses, there is only family income, resources and expenses, because a marriage is truly a partnership. If you are in a dating relationship then there should be no presumption on the other parties resources beyond the limits of their willing generosity. (and aside from any moral issues, there is a real practical issue with someone responsible for two children traipsing across the country to date. It seems very selfish)
How very quaint and outdated. My partner (yes that's right, I'm 40 not 14, I don't have a boyfriend) of 5 years and I have separate accounts, but share resources when needed. Why? For the simple reason I have worked my butt off to have my own career, my own money, my own identity and my own credit record therefore I am not joined at the hip (and the wallet) with him. To say that if you are not married you are merely dating is patronising, insulting and incredibly naive. I do hope that your spouse *husband* doesn't do as mine did - die thousands of pounds in debt with no will or life insurance, or you may be forced to consider your views on finances and 'partner' status in the future!0 -
Its odd that you call someone who I presume is not your spouse and who lives far away a "partner". Partner implies shared efforts and responsibility. In a successful marriage there is no his and hers money and expenses, there is only family income, resources and expenses, because a marriage is truly a partnership. If you are in a dating relationship then there should be no presumption on the other parties resources beyond the limits of their willing generosity. (and aside from any moral issues, there is a real practical issue with someone responsible for two children traipsing across the country to date. It seems very selfish)
selfish? How?
As a parent your children are your responsibility, and if you are on the other side of the country to go on a date when your child needs you (think accident, death in the family, emergency room visit etc.) you have chosen your own desires over you parental responsibilities.0 -
Its odd that you call someone who I presume is not your spouse and who lives far away a "partner". Partner implies shared efforts and responsibility. In a successful marriage there is no his and hers money and expenses, there is only family income, resources and expenses, because a marriage is truly a partnership. If you are in a dating relationship then there should be no presumption on the other parties resources beyond the limits of their willing generosity. (and aside from any moral issues, there is a real practical issue with someone responsible for two children traipsing across the country to date. It seems very selfish)
selfish? How?
As a parent your children are your responsibility, and if you are on the other side of the country to go on a date when your child needs you (think accident, death in the family, emergency room visit etc.) you have chosen your own desires over you parental responsibilities.
Well you're awfully judgey.
I've made a lot of sacrifces because of what I thought would be best for them.
My ex and I share half custody and I only leave town when I do not have them. If I did have them and they needed me, there wasn't a thing that would stop me from getting there.
I'm not sure where I'm being selfish.0
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