discouraged and nervous to see my momster....

chelsealiz8

AH! If you are my friend on here, today you may have noticed my status that said I was discouraged because I weighed in, but didn't lose anything and am feeling SO discouraged.

Here's the thing, I'm not getting ready to start my period so it's not that, and I work out 6 days a week and I really am SO smart and careful about what I eat. I haven't had a "cheat day" or anything like that. The reason I was so discouraged is because I was actually excited to step on the scale this morning expecting a loss based on how hard I've been working! :-( SO sad....

But more so than that is my fear of seeing my mom....

*WARNING- PERSONAL REVEALING DETAILS BELOW*

My mom is the reason I am bigger in the first place because you see, when I was 15years old, I was 5'6" and weighed 130 pounds. but she insisted I needed to lose a few vanity pounds and thus sent me into an out of control spiral of failed weight loss attempts resulting in a severe gain over the years. As I gained, she got meaner and meaner with her comments which resulted in me gaining more and more weight. I got it under control when I moved out of the house at 18 and was no longer under her watchful eye.

I only see her a couple times a year, and every time I see her, I'm regressed right back to my high school days where she has the ability to make me feel 2 inches tall.

I've done so well, and I see her one week from today. I so badly want her to notice and think I look good. I feel so good about myself and I ONE time want to feel good about myself around her too. I was really hoping to shed just a few more lbs before I see her!

Sorry for the vent, rough morning....

missdaisy79

You'll be fine. You were strong enough to get it under control when you moved out of her house, and although mothers do have the ability to send us all back to feeling like children again, you will be fine. Chin up

rml_16

I'm so sorry. Your mother should love you and leave you alone. :-(

Obviously, she's projecting her own insecurities on you and you don't deserve that.

sjcply

would it help if you talk to your mom and explain what you are going thru and how she affects you? Some ppl dont realize how they affect other ppl unless you put it all out on the table....... just a thought!

deusse

Ohhhh chelsealiz, i'm so sorry to hear that you're so nervous and discouraged!! that sounds like a really harsh situation with your mom, i wish you strength for the visit!

just try to keep in mind that you have been working hard, you are excercising which is great for your heart, lungs, brain, mood, and body, and she can't take away the wonderful things about who you are or how hard you've worked via criticism!

H_Factor

losing 23 pounds is nothing to sneeze at. you are doing great and you will lose more. sometimes, however, the body needs a break and isn't "ready" to lose weight every week...despite all of your best efforts. keep in mind that you are doing things, not just for weight loss, but to be healthier and happier. that's something you can succeed at EVERY DAY...even on days where the scale isn't cooperating. The scale will come around as well.

As for your mother, I think its time you told her how her comments make you feel and how they are counter productive to continued success. Let her know that you have been working hard, have lost weight, improved your health, and plan on continuing the same actions....and that you really need and appreciate her positive encouragement and support. If she can't comply, then try to tell yourself that you see her only twice in a year and even though she's your mother, she's not acting like one and you can focus on your goals without her.

mgmlap

At the end of the day..its what you think of yourself..not others. Don't give her the control that she had over you during your high school years. Sometimes its peoples own insecurities is why the put down others. Dont let her ruin what you have worked so hard to achieve...take whatever she says with a grain of salt and move on...after all its your body not hers...

Good luck with the visit...family are our own worst critics...

RachelT14

You have done so well already dont let this send you backwards.

Having said that i do understand exactly where you are coming from as i have a simillar situation, my mum continually berated me about my weight but has never doen the same with my sister who is much bigger than i am. You are stong you are taking charge of your situation, keep hold of the feelings of how good you feel about your weight loss.

calamity71

I am sorry.....I think you should put out of your mind what your mom thinks because no matter what the scale says she isn't going to think any differently and the problem is her NOT you!!!

childofares

It's sad but there will come a time when it will roll off. It happened with my dad. It took me a long time to be able to not feel that heart hurt when he insulted me and just rolled my eyes but it did happen. I would have preffered he changed into someone supportive but I learned I can only control me and that I was in control of how much I let his comments and judgement hurt me. It took a long time and I do truly hope that your Mom changes where my Dad didn't. Good luck and don't dispair! The scale doesn't really tell an accurate story all the time! Think more that all your hard work went internal this week and now your heart is stronger and leaner and meaner!

luvgreen25

You've lost 23 pounds! That's a great accomplishment that you should be proud of, whether your mother acknowledges it or not. And I agree with rml_16 - your mother is projecting her own insecurities on you. Hopefully you have other supporters in your family since you can't count on your mother, but even if you don't - you have a whole family of MFP supporters here. Don't stress yourself out about meeting with your mom. You can do this - just keep your head up and walk proud! You deserve it.

lotuslion

I have a good friend whose mother completely screwed up her self-image, so I can sort of understand where you're coming from. It's hard, but you have to let your mother own her actions while you own yours. Don't do this for her - do it for YOU. Recognize that when she's mean, or says hurtful things, it's a projection of something mean and hurtful inside her, and really doesn't have anything to do you with. If you try to measure up against someone else's expectations, and they're always moving the goal posts, it will amplify your sense of discouragement. Instead, focus on your own goals, your own reasons for getting fit, and if your mom gets to be too much, be confident and direct and say to her, "Mom, I'm working really hard to get in shape, and your comments right now are extremely hurtful and not helpful. If you insist on continuing with this subject, I won't engage with you further." And then DO IT - if she keeps talking about your size/weight/whatever, change the subject. Bring up something else. Remember that you aren't a child any longer, and focus on all the positive and wonderful steps you've taken in this journey.

It will be extremely hard, especially because she's your mom, but I wish you all the success and strength in the world in dealing with it. That said, no-loss days are extremely frustrating, especially when you've been working out and eating right. Don't let it get to you - I read a really great blog on here a couple days ago where the author charted his daily weight loss over 6 months. There were lots of peaks and valleys, but always a downward trend. The body does weird stuff sometimes; just know that you are doing the right things, and even if the scale sucks today, you will still see progress. Maybe also take your measurements, to see if you are losing inches. Good luck!

Chuck417

I think you are giving your mom way too much control over your life. I realize your issue is deep seated and its roots are tough to get rid of, but you are strong and smart. Resolve to like yourself regardless of what others, especially your mother thinks. Refuse to allow her to make you feel 2 inches tall. Your self worth comes from you, not her.
Chuck

MzFury

Oh, bless your heart! Nightmare! It's so hard to retain perspective especially about our family, when family is complicated...

But I'd really like to add something re: weight loss. I have just gained 1.6 pounds in the 4 days since joining, during which time I have (similarly to your report of your habits) stuck fairly faithfully to my meal plan, and worked out very hard.

However, I've lost half an inch in my waist in the same period.

Are you measuring yourself?

I believe I gain muscle fast. I have seen this happen a few times, now and have to stop myself from being super disappointed by the number on the scale.

Also remember, for your overall weight-loss perspective, that stress and sleeplessness can go a long way to screwing up your efforts - even without stress-eating or other related actions, both things can really interfere with your overall hormone cycles and how you burn and store energy, even if you're eating well and still working out. So while you're waiting to see your mom (I have a close friend with a very similar story, re: high school and body image, etc. etc.), maybe make sure to take some time for conscious relaxation, centering, deep breathing and enough sleep. Your mom may notice how well you look or she may never notice at all if she's personally committed to finding fault with all things (probably herself at the top of the list) - just matters that you live it...

rabbit99_47203

I'm sorry. I know how important it is for a child to want a parents approval, no matter what the age. Do your best to put it out of your mind until you have to see her. You can't change her only yourself and how you recieve her. Feel better knowing that you are on the right track and you are doing right by yourself. I hope she does see it! But don't let it set you back and make you have a bad next week trying to recover. Just remember you are doing this for you and not for her. And if you can try to be honest with her is she starts being hard. Although that is way easier to say than do, I know. Best of luck and don't stress. What will be will be. You can't control anybody but yourself. And stress will slow weight loss.

Lleldiranne

It sounds like you are the stronger woman. I know how hard it is ... my grandma has always been critical and since her stroke has not filtered anything she says. She told my mom (who's just lost 10 lbs in the last couple months) that she looks like she's gaining weight, and about a month ago told me that I sure am big (my reply "I certainly hope so - there's a baby in there, remember?") It's normal to want the approval of someone we generally look up to an love.

As far as the scale not moving - are you measuring yourself as well? With the exercise you're doing, there can be weeks when you don't really lose much weight-wise, but can lose some in inches. Try tracking your body fat % too, if you can. And, either way, the lifestyle changes you are making are creating a better, healthier body for you!

If your mom does make a negative comment about your weight or how you look, tell her that you've been working very hard, you've lost 23 pounds, and your body is healthier now than ever before and it hurts you that she only sees flaws. Maybe that will open her eyes.

stephanie012000

Hun, you should learn empowerment, and the standard that no one has power over you unless you let them. A few more pounds will make you feel better, but you should already feel fantastic for your progress so far! I suspect that the comments from your mom had less to do with you and more to do with her. Dear Abby addressed similar situations, and I recall her advice to be along the lines of "recognize the source, realize you will not be albe to please her b/c the problem is her, not you, and then distance yourself." I understand the desire to please a parent, but if she cannot be happy with your progress to date, then a few more pounds won't make a difference. She should be so proud of you, and if she isn't, then ask her why. Have you spoken with a counselor? In my line of work, I have found counselors to be incredibly beneficial when dealing with family issues. Go into the meeting with your mother KNOWING that you are doing a GREAT job, and with a firm belief that no matter what she says, you will not let if affect you. If she starts in on her old ways, give her a warning that if she doesn't stop, you will walk out, and then make good on your word if she still continues. Now, I'm not a counselor and in no way trained to give advice here, so just take this as my humble opinion, for what little it is worth.

mea9

You have done amazing. Try not to focus on her and what she wants and doesn’t want. I know easier said than done I have one too. You know the old joke about how she can always push your buttons because she installed them… Take your feelings now and create a “mantra” of sorts to prepare yourself. For example (and this is really rough): “My mother makes me feel like a 2” failure who nobody would ever like…” Your mantra could be something like “My choices have made me strong and healthy and I have surrounded myself with a solid support system of people who are with me on this journey…” Then repeat it to yourself before you get together and as she pushes your buttons it will come up in your head. You are now armed and protected.

morganadk2_deleted

At the end of the day..its what you think of yourself..not others. Don't give her the control that she had over you during your high school years. Sometimes its peoples own insecurities is why the put down others. Dont let her ruin what you have worked so hard to achieve...take whatever she says with a grain of salt and move on...after all its your body not hers...

Good luck with the visit...family are our own worst critics...

hugs! if you were my daughter i would be very proud of you :flowerforyou: (ps i have a daughter who is 22)

Hoppymom

I have a good friend whose mother completely screwed up her self-image, so I can sort of understand where you're coming from. It's hard, but you have to let your mother own her actions while you own yours. Don't do this for her - do it for YOU. Recognize that when she's mean, or says hurtful things, it's a projection of something mean and hurtful inside her, and really doesn't have anything to do you with. If you try to measure up against someone else's expectations, and they're always moving the goal posts, it will amplify your sense of discouragement. Instead, focus on your own goals, your own reasons for getting fit, and if your mom gets to be too much, be confident and direct and say to her, "Mom, I'm working really hard to get in shape, and your comments right now are extremely hurtful and not helpful. If you insist on continuing with this subject, I won't engage with you further." And then DO IT - if she keeps talking about your size/weight/whatever, change the subject. Bring up something else. Remember that you aren't a child any longer, and focus on all the positive and wonderful steps you've taken in this journey.

It will be extremely hard, especially because she's your mom, but I wish you all the success and strength in the world in dealing with it. That said, no-loss days are extremely frustrating, especially when you've been working out and eating right. Don't let it get to you - I read a really great blog on here a couple days ago where the author charted his daily weight loss over 6 months. There were lots of peaks and valleys, but always a downward trend. The body does weird stuff sometimes; just know that you are doing the right things, and even if the scale sucks today, you will still see progress. Maybe also take your measurements, to see if you are losing inches. Good luck!

^^^^^Very well said. We could have the same mom. Some people just need to put others down to feel better about themselves. My own mom has very few friends and three of my siblings have no contact with her due to her behavior(different issues for each one of us). I "divorced" her for about 11 months 30 years ago so that I could decide how to handle her challenging behavior. It was the best thing I've ever done. You can be firm without being disrespectful to her. I still have a relationship with her, but I know she is not ever going to be the mom I had hoped for. She is however my mom and I need that in my life occasionally. Best of luck. Rememberto get healthy for YOU, don't lose weight to please her. EVER.

caramel1920

Sweetie, stress can make you hold onto your weight and even gain weight. Our bodies react to stress in many ways. I believe you are seriously stressing about seeing your mother and I totally get it! I have supportive parents; however, my father looks like he's my age and has worked out daily since before I was born (a lot to live up to, or not in my case). My mother is a diabetic with high blood pressure and end stage renal disease. She can come off critical sometimes because she does not want me to develop her health problems, but will fuss because she doesn't think I'm eating enough or working out too much! Confusing huh? Anyways hun, we all have issues with our families, especially our parents...and for women, especially our mothers! There's a quote I love by Eleanor Roosevelt..."no one can make you feel inferior without your permission." Be proud of who you are and what you've accomplished because we all are sincerely PROUD of YOU!!!!

AlsDonkBoxSquat

My solution to your scale? Have yourself a cheat day. Just one. It's okay.
My solution to your mom? Therapy and a back bone. People can only make you feel the way you allow them to make you feel. As soon as you set boundaries and respect yourself, they no longer have impact.

Troll

i wish i could reach through my phone and hug you. I think we all have that one family member that, no matter what we do, they cant see it. My dad is like that-i call him and tell him everything i did that im super proud of that week, and all i get back is, "eh." it has taken a long time to figure out that i am good enough for me, if not for him. i know how aggravating it is when you expect a great loss and dont get it-i thought for sure i would break into the teens in bodyfat by this week...but ive been the same for 2 months. Just take a deep breath, realize you mom doesnt intentionally hurt you (even if it feels like it) and that you are doing great

deeutz68

I'm sorry but personally I would cancel on mom. I'm sure you love her and want to see her, but do you really have to see her next week? You have made amazing progress, 23 lbs is nothing to sneeze at and shows a lot of hard work and dedication. Subjecting yourself to possible negetive imput may well mess up your progress, in fact, the fact that you didn't lose any weight this week could be because you are stressing so much about your meeting with your mother to begin with. One thing I have learned over the years is so many things play a part in our weight gains and not just because we eat the wrong foods and don't exercise. Stress and lack of sleep can play a part as well and it sounds like you are really stressing here.

Not sure if you have tried counseling, but it may help you. Sounds like you have a lot of anger issues with your mother, granted they may be justified, but you are now a grown woman and responsible for your own actions. If you are only trying to lose weight to make your mother happy, you will never reach your goal. YOU HAVE TO WANT IT FOR YOU! No parent is perfect and perhaps your mother thought she was helping you and didn't realize the damage she was causing. I don't know, but it's time to let it go or it will always be in your way.

Please don't think I'm trying to be mean, I'm really trying to offer what I hope is good advice. I've been on the diet/weight loss roller coaster for many years myself. I've seen others that have held on to anger and hurt from past experiences destroy a lot of hard work because they couldn't let go. It's time to put the past away and if that means not seeing your mother until you are better able to deal with her and the issues you have with each other than I would find a good excuse to cancel. I bet if you did and the stress was gone you would see a nice weight loss on the scales next week.

Good luck in what ever you decide.

thedeegan4

I'm so sorry you have had to go through this. No mother should ever make her child feel so bad about themselves. I know someone who went through the same thing when we were in school and I know how bad it made them feel. I know it's hard because we all want our parents' approval and when we don't get it, it hurts. I think it's time that you sit your mother down and have a talk with her about the way she makes you feel. If you don't want to do it face-to-face, call her this week before she comes for a visit. You never know, it could change a lot of things and you could have a wonderful visit with her.

CamiXiomara

AH! If you are my friend on here, today you may have noticed my status that said I was discouraged because I weighed in, but didn't lose anything and am feeling SO discouraged.

Here's the thing, I'm not getting ready to start my period so it's not that, and I work out 6 days a week and I really am SO smart and careful about what I eat. I haven't had a "cheat day" or anything like that. The reason I was so discouraged is because I was actually excited to step on the scale this morning expecting a loss based on how hard I've been working! :-( SO sad....

But more so than that is my fear of seeing my mom....

*WARNING- PERSONAL REVEALING DETAILS BELOW*

My mom is the reason I am bigger in the first place because you see, when I was 15years old, I was 5'6" and weighed 130 pounds. but she insisted I needed to lose a few vanity pounds and thus sent me into an out of control spiral of failed weight loss attempts resulting in a severe gain over the years. As I gained, she got meaner and meaner with her comments which resulted in me gaining more and more weight. I got it under control when I moved out of the house at 18 and was no longer under her watchful eye.

I only see her a couple times a year, and every time I see her, I'm regressed right back to my high school days where she has the ability to make me feel 2 inches tall.

I've done so well, and I see her one week from today. I so badly want her to notice and think I look good. I feel so good about myself and I ONE time want to feel good about myself around her too. I was really hoping to shed just a few more lbs before I see her!

Sorry for the vent, rough morning....

I don't like being critical, but as a person, I know how hurt you must have felt. As a mother too, she should've helped you feel loved, not the opposite. I think that you should worry about what you think of yourself. Your mother has no control over you anymore. You've lost a great amount of weight. You are dedicated in what you are doing, because you want to live a healthier lifestyle. Love yourself first. Put yourself first in everything - this isn't selfish - and then address this issue with your mother. Sometimes, all it takes to fix a problem is to talk.

If it doesn't work, be proud that you tried to mend things with your mother. But remember, don't feel bad. You are beautiful and no one can belittle you, unless you allow them. Be positive when you see her. Look in the mirror and congratulate yourself for what you've accomplished in your life. Smile and the world will smile with you! Best of luck in everything that you do!

PlunderBunneh

I can sort of relate to this one, I have a hard time discussing weight with my mother, although for different reasons. She was morbidly obese my entire childhood, although she would try to lose weight with diets or working out, she never stuck with it long, mostly because it's hard to balance that and four children in the Navy lifestyle. Anyhow, she had gastric bypass a few years back.
Now, whenever I mention what I'm doing to change my lifestyle to healthier one, she always says things that I'm not sure she realizes are incredibly discouraging. I tell her that I've started a running program, she replies she used to love to run, she ran all the time but it never did anything for her. I tell her that I've lost twelve pounds, she replies that she used to lose weight like that all the time, it always came back. I confess that I'm feeling discouraged, she replies that I can't do this without weight loss surgery because we have the same genes and she couldn't.
It's hard to not find encouragement in the one person that should be your personal cheerleader your entire life. It's even harder knowing that not only will you not find encouragement, but most likely you will leave that conversation feeling hopeless and in tears. But you know, you've got to shake it off and stick with this. We CAN do this. It may take us more than a year, but at the end of this, we will be healthier, stronger, and better women. The more my family tells me I can't do this without surgery, the more I determined I become to do just that. Stay positive, and refuse to let her negative comments effect you. Your current progress is nothing to scoff at, and if she doesn't recognize that, her opinion isn't worth jack *kitten* to you.

chelsealiz8

Thank you all for your comments! I wish I had the time to reply to each and every one of you but your support has honestly made me feel better, like I have an "army" behind me.

Some suggested I maybe don't meet my mom next week, but just so you know that's not really an option because I live in FL she lives in MI and she's coming in to town.

I'm a strong woman, and pretty much anyone else in my family, circle of friends, stranger off the street or the president could try to discourage me and I'd brush it off as "whatever, they have no clue how hard I've worked and how great I feel", but something about the mom and the power she has....

Oh well,

thanks again guys, I'll keep you in mind if she tries to give me a hard time....