why does the guy get to decide???
Replies
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i don't think you're over reacting.my fiance is the same, he's also verrryy controlling!! even at 120lbs at 5'3, he said i was a fat *kitten* n' said i have to lose 20lbs. thats because i wear baggy clothes &they tend to make you look 10lbs bigger.i even showed him a pic of me where i lifted up a pink shirt up to my ribs [which i downloaded on my profile] and he was like 'ew, its still fat.' and my ex told me i was disgustingly thin [was 100lbs when i was with him, which is my main pic now]. soooo, some guys r *kitten* :] so, if he tells you that, u dont deserve him.i would've left my fiance if i wasn't in love with him :]0
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i don't think you're over reacting.my fiance is the same, he's also verrryy controlling!! even at 120lbs at 5'3, he said i was a fat *kitten* n' said i have to lose 20lbs. thats because i wear baggy clothes &they tend to make you look 10lbs bigger.i even showed him a pic of me where i lifted up a pink shirt up to my ribs [which i downloaded on my profile] and he was like 'ew, its still fat.' and my ex told me i was disgustingly thin [was 100lbs when i was with him, which is my main pic now]. soooo, some guys r *kitten* :] so, if he tells you that, u dont deserve him.i would've left my fiance if i wasn't in love with him :]
I agree I wouldn't let opinion override good judgement. If you know that you know, then surely stand firm and defend it. There is a difference also between being controlling and giving an opinion. Sometimes my opinions are misinterpreted as demands even though I use the words, "I think...", "maybe...", "...just my opinion", but I demand nothing.0 -
i don't think you're over reacting.my fiance is the same, he's also verrryy controlling!! even at 120lbs at 5'3, he said i was a fat *kitten* n' said i have to lose 20lbs. thats because i wear baggy clothes &they tend to make you look 10lbs bigger.i even showed him a pic of me where i lifted up a pink shirt up to my ribs [which i downloaded on my profile] and he was like 'ew, its still fat.' and my ex told me i was disgustingly thin [was 100lbs when i was with him, which is my main pic now]. soooo, some guys r *kitten* :] so, if he tells you that, u dont deserve him.i would've left my fiance if i wasn't in love with him :]
What you're describing is a far cry from what the OP described.0 -
What you're describing is a far cry from what the OP described.
I agree this is at the other end of the extreme spectrum.0 -
He doesn't get to decide...he does get to have an opinion. How the woman responds depends on the dynamics of the relationship and how much that opinion matters to her. His word is only "law" if she lets it be.
Word!
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i don't think you're over reacting.my fiance is the same, he's also verrryy controlling!! even at 120lbs at 5'3, he said i was a fat *kitten* n' said i have to lose 20lbs. thats because i wear baggy clothes &they tend to make you look 10lbs bigger.i even showed him a pic of me where i lifted up a pink shirt up to my ribs [which i downloaded on my profile] and he was like 'ew, its still fat.' and my ex told me i was disgustingly thin [was 100lbs when i was with him, which is my main pic now]. soooo, some guys r *kitten* :] so, if he tells you that, u dont deserve him.i would've left my fiance if i wasn't in love with him :]
I keep trying to think of how to reply to this in a PC way, and am finding it very difficult. Please, Please, Please, leave your fiance. You're 18, I promise you you will find someone who actually respects you and isn't controlling.0 -
The guy only gets to decide if the woman lets him decide. My husband has been telling me I didn't need to lose weight since before I started. He still says it. But I don't think he's being controling or mean, he's just stating his opinion. He thought I looked good then. But he thinks I look good now too. He still compliments and I see the looks.0
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i don't think you're over reacting.my fiance is the same, he's also verrryy controlling!! even at 120lbs at 5'3, he said i was a fat *kitten* n' said i have to lose 20lbs. thats because i wear baggy clothes &they tend to make you look 10lbs bigger.i even showed him a pic of me where i lifted up a pink shirt up to my ribs [which i downloaded on my profile] and he was like 'ew, its still fat.' and my ex told me i was disgustingly thin [was 100lbs when i was with him, which is my main pic now]. soooo, some guys r *kitten* :] so, if he tells you that, u dont deserve him.i would've left my fiance if i wasn't in love with him :]
Sounds to me like you are with a douche bag and you have no self esteem. Looking at your profile, it makes me genuinely sad that you are so mistreated by this person, who you seem to put a lot of value in.
Best wishes.0 -
i don't think you're over reacting.my fiance is the same, he's also verrryy controlling!! even at 120lbs at 5'3, he said i was a fat *kitten* n' said i have to lose 20lbs. thats because i wear baggy clothes &they tend to make you look 10lbs bigger.i even showed him a pic of me where i lifted up a pink shirt up to my ribs [which i downloaded on my profile] and he was like 'ew, its still fat.' and my ex told me i was disgustingly thin [was 100lbs when i was with him, which is my main pic now]. soooo, some guys r *kitten* :] so, if he tells you that, u dont deserve him.i would've left my fiance if i wasn't in love with him :]
I keep trying to think of how to reply to this in a PC way, and am finding it very difficult. Please, Please, Please, leave your fiance. You're 18, I promise you you will find someone who actually respects you and isn't controlling.
Yes, absolutely. I don't care what your weight is, if your fiance uses the term "fat *kitten*" to describe you, you would be wise to thank God for the sign and leave that A-hole. This is not a man who loves you.0 -
i was just telling about my experience to let her know shes not the only one, even though my story is opposite from hers.
What you're describing is a far cry from what the OP described.
I agree this is at the other end of the extreme spectrum.0 -
The guy only gets to decide if the woman lets him decide. My husband has been telling me I didn't need to lose weight since before I started. He still says it. But I don't think he's being controling or mean, he's just stating his opinion. He thought I looked good then. But he thinks I look good now too. He still compliments and I see the looks.
Ditto!!
The only time hubby every mentioned a specific weight was when I first started losing. I told him my goal was to lose at least 100 pounds which would put me at just under 160. He said, in his supportive but unknowing way "why dont' you shoot for 120?". I totally cracked up - poor guy. Yeah sure, with my height/build - at 120 I'd be skin and bones and he'd be totally turned off. He likes my curves, even when they were "very" curvy and I don't plan on getting rid of them altogether. I just want to be more healthy and fit and he's totally behind that.0 -
wow..using a wii sux. it wont quote right
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i was just telling about my experience to let her know shes not the only one, even though my story is opposite from hers.
What you're describing is a far cry from what the OP described.
I agree this is at the other end of the extreme spectrum.
I understand. But it's not just opposite, it's that you're with a controlling, abusive jerk and she described a guy who probably just didn't know what to say to stay out of the doghouse.0 -
Guessing other people's weight is a carnival trick that is very often wrong (that's why they have a +-10 range to guess before the guesser loses). Truth is, we own a scale, BMI chart, a mirror and access to a family doctor, so from a medical perspective, I'm not sure where "You should way 134.5" from anyone else fits into the equation. I understand if someone asks in a swimsuit/bikini, "Do you think I need more weight, less weight or stay the same?" in regards to being appealing to their significant other. Love goes deep (or at least it should), we need to stop making such a big deal about a few pounds. If it seems their health is at risk, then love tells us surely something should be said.0
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ahh, i guess i skipped over a sentence..im soo tired.sorry0
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i don't think you're over reacting.my fiance is the same, he's also verrryy controlling!! even at 120lbs at 5'3, he said i was a fat *kitten* n' said i have to lose 20lbs. thats because i wear baggy clothes &they tend to make you look 10lbs bigger.i even showed him a pic of me where i lifted up a pink shirt up to my ribs [which i downloaded on my profile] and he was like 'ew, its still fat.' and my ex told me i was disgustingly thin [was 100lbs when i was with him, which is my main pic now]. soooo, some guys r *kitten* :] so, if he tells you that, u dont deserve him.i would've left my fiance if i wasn't in love with him :]
Sounds to me like you are with a douche bag and you have no self esteem. Looking at your profile, it makes me genuinely sad that you are so mistreated by this person, who you seem to put a lot of value in.
Best wishes.
thanks, very much appreciated :] i keep thinking maybe he'll change and love me as much as i love him :]]0 -
I think you may be reading too much into it.
He might just be saying he thinks you are beautiful just the way you are.
Im sure if you decide to lose more, or if you gain weight he'll love it just the same.0 -
i don't think you're over reacting.my fiance is the same, he's also verrryy controlling!! even at 120lbs at 5'3, he said i was a fat *kitten* n' said i have to lose 20lbs. thats because i wear baggy clothes &they tend to make you look 10lbs bigger.i even showed him a pic of me where i lifted up a pink shirt up to my ribs [which i downloaded on my profile] and he was like 'ew, its still fat.' and my ex told me i was disgustingly thin [was 100lbs when i was with him, which is my main pic now]. soooo, some guys r *kitten* :] so, if he tells you that, u dont deserve him.i would've left my fiance if i wasn't in love with him :]
In my opinion and my opinion only...you have some stuff going on if you think the blonde in your profile pics is "def perfection". Eighteen years old and engaged is a contradiction in terms also. Do you have a wedding date yet? If not, then you are only on hold so no one else can claim you until he moves on. But that will be doing you a favor, because if he is calling you a fat-*kitten* now, imagine what terms of endearment he is gonna have for you when he has papers on you. Another point, any BOY who uses the term "ew, its still fat" has a lot of growing up to do, and his sexuality needs to be checked. Finally, if you consider this love, YOU have a lot of growing up to do. Love don't call each other fat *kitten* and is never "verrryy controlling".
Once again, these are all my opinions.0 -
i don't think you're over reacting.my fiance is the same, he's also verrryy controlling!! even at 120lbs at 5'3, he said i was a fat *kitten* n' said i have to lose 20lbs. thats because i wear baggy clothes &they tend to make you look 10lbs bigger.i even showed him a pic of me where i lifted up a pink shirt up to my ribs [which i downloaded on my profile] and he was like 'ew, its still fat.' and my ex told me i was disgustingly thin [was 100lbs when i was with him, which is my main pic now]. soooo, some guys r *kitten* :] so, if he tells you that, u dont deserve him.i would've left my fiance if i wasn't in love with him :]
Sounds to me like you are with a douche bag and you have no self esteem. Looking at your profile, it makes me genuinely sad that you are so mistreated by this person, who you seem to put a lot of value in.
Best wishes.
thanks, very much appreciated :] i keep thinking maybe he'll change and love me as much as i love him :]]
I highly recommend you look up the definition of narcissism. He isn't going to change and he isn't going to love you. Not because you're doing anything wrong or because you're too fat or too skinny or because you don't look like a porn star, but because he isn't capable of loving anyone but himself.
I'm almost twice your age. I've been through my share of relationships. I can tell you, there is no man out there worth killing yourself to have.
This "man" will drag you down until you don't even know who you are anymore. No one deserves that.0 -
My husband doesn't dictate how I look, but he does plead that with this weight loss effort I don't lose my butt or my hips! I told him what will happen will happen. It might annoy me slightly, but, mostly, I am glad that his ideal body type is not rail thin, because I will never (and never want to) be that way. So in essence I agree with him, but instead of not losing weight, I do P90x and 30 day shred to help tone my butt and thighs (and other areas). So far he thinks I look great! I just chalk his comments up as support, since he knows I am always worried about my "fat" belly. He's never told me I was overweight even when I was for a while. He's always been positive about my body, and I interpret these comments as the same.0
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this is the part that confuses me - "why does the guy get to decide???"
umm... he doesn't "get" to do anything you don't allow him to do. same for you. it's your body, your decision, your jeans you're trying to fit into... he can like it or leave it. and if he isn't supportive he should definitely have some damn good redeeming qualities.0 -
i don't think you're over reacting.my fiance is the same, he's also verrryy controlling!! even at 120lbs at 5'3, he said i was a fat *kitten* n' said i have to lose 20lbs. thats because i wear baggy clothes &they tend to make you look 10lbs bigger.i even showed him a pic of me where i lifted up a pink shirt up to my ribs [which i downloaded on my profile] and he was like 'ew, its still fat.' and my ex told me i was disgustingly thin [was 100lbs when i was with him, which is my main pic now]. soooo, some guys r *kitten* :] so, if he tells you that, u dont deserve him.i would've left my fiance if i wasn't in love with him :]
Sounds to me like you are with a douche bag and you have no self esteem. Looking at your profile, it makes me genuinely sad that you are so mistreated by this person, who you seem to put a lot of value in.
Best wishes.
Leave. Him. Now. That "love" feeling that you have now? That will wax and wane. Underneath it all, if this person is disrespecting you, you will be miserable for the rest of your life. I've said it once - if you marry this person you have no one to blame but yourself. I'm sorry that this comes across as harsh, because I am honestly sorry that you seem to have been in relationships where men mistreat you. But one day you will be angry with yourself if you marry someone that you consciously knew disrespected you. Every woman deserves better! Perhaps you don't even know what "better" is because you've been with a few *kitten*! I just want to emphasize how hard marriage is, even with someone who tries hard to be a good person. I don't want to see one person waste their life with someone who puts them down!!! That is not love!!0 -
I think it depends on the conversation or how its brought up. When past gf's they have told me that they wanted to lose weight and I would say why you are perfect the way you are. This is who I feel in love with. But I will obviously support their decision.0
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I agree with this:
and also the idea that guys are at least smart enough to not commit "relationship suicide" by implying they think we're fat, so give them some credit for at least trying to make us feel good, kwim? I try to remember his motivations in what he says to me, in comparison to what I might "want" in a moment-- which probably seems like a whim to him. Does that make sense?I think there is a HUGE difference between expressing a preference for a certain weight or look and trying to actually control what the woman does. If it's the first, no big deal, everyone has preferences and I would hope that in a relationship you could feel free to express that. If it's the second, leave his sorry *kitten*.
I'm losing, and my DH is nothing but supportive, and if he said to me "but I don't want you to lose your hips and rack! Not to mention butt..." I could choose to take it as a compliment-- he wants me to feel good about those womanly parts, and that might just simply be something that he finds attractive. Or I can choose to blow it out of proportion and start a fight, taking it as "I demand you look exactly as I please." Why choose the latter? Unless you're with a jerk who means it that way, that is.
Otherwise, of course I want my DH to find me attractive. Sometimes I wear shoes I'd never wear otherwise, just because he loves the way they look. It'd be wrong of him to FORCE me to do that, but it's not wrong of me to want to make him happy and want to look as attractive as I can to him.
eta: I would never be with someone who treated me the way some of you ladies describe your man treating you. That's not how a man treats a woman. I hope you get the strength to leave them soon.0 -
Really? Per my boyfriend, "I love you regardless of what you look like....skinny mini or like me Fatty Matty (his name is Matt)." He has never once complained or even made mention of my weight, except to say that he is happy that I am happy.0
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...:noway: ...
The day my husband in any way dictates how much I weigh, is the day hell freezes over.0 -
I'll answwer this tomorrow. I gotta check with my wife tonight and see what my opinion is.0
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So the husband/boyfriend is not allowed to state his opinion?0
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I had a guy tell me one time that he would break up with me if I lose weight because he likes "big girls".....I showed him the door and never looked back!0
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No, the guy doesn't get to decide. He should respectfully express his opinion once or twice and then he should shut up (unless there is serious concern about his spouses health).0
This discussion has been closed.
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