regular user going anonymous for needed advice!

TemporarilyInsane

HELP!

I know I am doing "bad things" I have started binging and purging. Not every meal, and not every day but getting more and more often.

I lost a lot of weight, I gained a little bit back and I am so scared of getting fat again that the fear drives me to this. I'll eat one bad thing, and then 2. And then I'll think, "Well, I might as eat everything in sight because now I 'have to' throw up anyway to get it out of me" and I'll eat and eat and eat til it hurts then go throw up. I get this crazy insane feeling when I'm eating and nobody better interupt me or I'll get super pissed. So, mostly I do it when I'm alone, or I'll talk my family into going to an all you can eat place and I'll literally eat all that I possibly can (but nobody notices much because they are all doing it too)

I don't even know where to turn to help, I am so afraid to admit this to anyone that I feel like I can't ask. I feel so out of control, I hate doing it. It's not fun, it doesn't feel good or taste good and I'm embarrassed by it. I searched online and didn't really find any support websites, just one that I joined and made me feel like I didn't really have a problem because I don't do it for every meal or every day. But I've been doing it now for probably 4 or more months regularly.

It's not helping me be healthy, it's not helping me lose weight and it's driving me insane. What do I do? I can't seem to just stop or go back to the good eating habits I used to have and seemed to have no problem living with! I didn't lose all my weight by purging, I did it by eating healthier, staying in my calorie range and exercising. I just can't seem to do that anymore!

HELP ME! :frown:

TemporarilyInsane

HELP!

I know I am doing "bad things" I have started binging and purging. Not every meal, and not every day but getting more and more often.

I lost a lot of weight, I gained a little bit back and I am so scared of getting fat again that the fear drives me to this. I'll eat one bad thing, and then 2. And then I'll think, "Well, I might as eat everything in sight because now I 'have to' throw up anyway to get it out of me" and I'll eat and eat and eat til it hurts then go throw up. I get this crazy insane feeling when I'm eating and nobody better interupt me or I'll get super pissed. So, mostly I do it when I'm alone, or I'll talk my family into going to an all you can eat place and I'll literally eat all that I possibly can (but nobody notices much because they are all doing it too)

I don't even know where to turn to help, I am so afraid to admit this to anyone that I feel like I can't ask. I feel so out of control, I hate doing it. It's not fun, it doesn't feel good or taste good and I'm embarrassed by it. I searched online and didn't really find any support websites, just one that I joined and made me feel like I didn't really have a problem because I don't do it for every meal or every day. But I've been doing it now for probably 4 or more months regularly.

It's not helping me be healthy, it's not helping me lose weight and it's driving me insane. What do I do? I can't seem to just stop or go back to the good eating habits I used to have and seemed to have no problem living with! I didn't lose all my weight by purging, I did it by eating healthier, staying in my calorie range and exercising. I just can't seem to do that anymore!

HELP ME! :frown:

songbyrdsweet

It's great that you know it's a problem...if you were denying it was an issue, it'd be more worrisome.
However, I don't think you should stay on any website that justifies your actions even a little bit. It is a problem whether it happens once a week or 3 times a day.

I think you should seek out an in-person counselor. I don't know your age, so I don't know if your parents can help you look for one or you need to contact your own insurance company to find places, but find a way to do it. Bulimia will wreak havoc on you mentally and physically, so if you can do something soon it well help so much in the long run. You'll save your self confidence, your body image, your self control, your teeth, your breath, your esophagus, your WHOLE body...the list goes on. You're robbing yourself of nutrients and self discipline. Please find someone to talk to, whether it's a counselor, a friend, a nutritionist...someone who can offer personal support and set you in the right direction. :flowerforyou:

Jackie_W

Are you aware of what's triggered this? a very stressful time, boredom etc.
How about writing your feelings down in a journal?
Please feel free to message me, I don't care who you are on here really, you need help, and if I can be of ANY help, please don't hesitate to contact me. I find just talknig to someone in confidence - who is not close to you or the situation really does help :flowerforyou:

iftcheiaf

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. There are plenty of people here who either suffer with this problem or have in the past. A couple thoughts I can share:
1. You don't lose any weight by throwing up. Most of the fats are stored in your body within four minutes of eating. If you are sitting and eating for an hour, then it means that you've already started digesting.
2. You need to allow yourself that ONE cheat treat. Maybe you're depriving yourself too much when you're doing good that your body doesn't know what to do. Maybe plan something CHEATABLE every day at the end of the day. Set it aside, put the rest of the package well out of reach. Then maybe you won't have to binge so much.
3. Think before you eat the second helping about why you're doing it. Is it emotional? Could you rush out and get a new book, a haircut, a manicure, or even just go for a walk or call a friend to distract you?
4. Find one person, whether it be here or in your personal life, and let them know your struggle. Then have them hold you accountable. Private e-mails or phone calls. If you know someone is going to ask you about it, you're more than likely going to think twice before doing it.
5. Most importantly, don't beat yourself up. You're obviously very smart to know that there is a problem and asking for help. I can understand you maybe being a little embarassed about it, but YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!! If you've already lost a good deal of weight, then you have proven to yourself that you are a strong person. Look at the pictures of you before you lost the weight, think of all the things you can do more of now and focus on that. YOU CAN DO THIS BECAUSE YOU ALREADY HAVE.

Those are my two cents worth. But I also want to say that I'm proud of you and impressed that you did say something instead of letting it continue unsaid. That means you are definitely on the right track.

mommachag

ok first step. breath. in.... and out.
I have been where you are. it isn't healthy. but you know that. most people who have ED's know they have a problem, but there are a lot who dont want to stop. It took me many years. many tears and a whole lot of drama.

some background (please this is hard enough for me without catching flack)
at 12 someone called me thunder thighs( i know now that it was rediculous, i was so tiny then) it triggered something in me that was like a burning fire. I suddenly believed I was fat and had to loose weight. I had some pretty traumatic things happen the year before and this was enough to put me over the edge. By my junior year in high school I was 72 pounds and 5'1". I discovered my senior year that if I wanted something badly I would eat it and then purge. I gained some weight back. just enough to get pregnant and have my son senior year. I was good through all my pregnancies but terrible after flying into a downward spiral.It is such a slipery slope
here I am almost 20 years later struggling. I have fought this on and off through babies. My husband understand my food struggles and thankfully is very supportive. but a few years back he threatened to send me to inpatient hospital care becuase I was getting to a scary point again.the turning point for me was my son who is rail thin asking if he looked fat. it stopped me in my tracks.
I went to therapy, I prayed ( A LOT) and took it one step at a time. I go to meetings for people with ED and i sit and I cry often. I struggle with this. In fact i had begun putting on weight because I ate so little but what I did eat(was high in fat and so bad for me) I ate alone, in my car where no one could see. I was ashamed I ate at all. every bite was tourture. it still is.
this is the first time I have eaten to loose weight and I struggle with getting in the calories I need in a healthy way. I fight this every step every day and every moment. It is like being an alcoholic. it can kill you and if you don't choose to get help (i think you want help which I think is why you brought this up here) you can die. please tell someone you love and trust. just one person. let them help you. find a support group, it never gets any easier to stop.
if you need to talk i am here. feel free

lotusfromthemud

http://www.nedic.ca/

This is a Canadian website, but it seems to have lots of good information. Beware of looking for "support" sites online, as many of them are aiming to "support" the illness, not recovery from it.

I don't wish to sound alarmist, and insinuate that you are "diseased", but what you're doing (and you seem to be aware of this) is disordered eating. IMHO, doing this more than once is very dangerous, and if you slip into letting it become habitual, it's very not good.

Maybe you could search your local yellow pages (old school!) for crisis support hotlines, who would be equipped to refer you to professional help, which you should seek. (not judging, just observing.)

You are not alone! Don't be so embarrassed that you can't ask for help. :flowerforyou:

MadTurtle

Try this!

I think you will find many there who have shared your issue and they can help!

http://www.oa.org/index.htm

Fitness_Chick

Hi TI,
Glad you thought to create a new user name for asking this so you feel you could...good for you for reaching out:drinker:

I just clicked on Bulimia support and it gave me 228,000 hits ....here's the link
http://www.google.com/search?q=bulimia+support&sourceid=ie7&rls=com.microsoft:en-US&ie=utf8&oe=utf8

OK, so that being said... whether you purge one time a week, several times a month, 24 times a day...purging is definitely a sign of an ED. It's a behavior that brings comfort and solace momentarily but makes a person miserable and out of control as well. It can give you a bit of a high realizing you have control over getting rid of the food, when in actuality we really are the ones that are giving our control over to our ED.

There are many places you could seek help and find others going through similiar situations in your area, like a support group for instance where you don't feel so alone and 'crazy' (I don't know how large your community is) but first off checking out an ED nutritionist/dietician will help give you a perspective on how this can become a much larger problem if you don't grab hold now. There are some of the most wonderful ED specialists out there, some that have dealt with this themselves and conquered it.

I have no idea how much you have lost but it sounds like you share you lost it in a healthy manner. It's scary losing weight!!! I don't care what anyone says.. I get alot of attention for my ticker saying what it says (the PM's are wonderful but it's the number that is freakin me out of lbs lost, it's almost mindblowing)..but to me, it freaks me out. Losing weigh in a healthy manner feels good, we are once again in control...but losing and maintaining are 2 very different things.:ohwell: Maintaining is scary in a whole different way.

I am so proud of you that you are coming to the boards asking for help. I truly think the best thing you could do is find help in your community, what you'll get here is lots of opinions and also folks that have been where you are...which may help make you realize you're not alone in this.

But seeking help with a professional is truly what you want to strive to do...we all care about one another here but we aren't able to give you the true help you need right now. If you haven't already read up on what Bulimia can do to our bodies, it's definitely time to educate yourself.. you've lost weight in a healthy way in the past. Don't allow your body to now pay for it in harsh ways. It can effect your esophogus, your teeth, your other organs...so much that can happen from this that is irreversible. But most of all it's a crazy making behavior because it makes you feel so very out of control and it's shame based. Feel shame is not fun as you know and can so damage our self worth.

Please if nothing else do some serious reading from the Google link I shared up above and see what you can do about getting referred to someone in your area. If you don't want to talk to your regular doc, then simply go to someone that doesn't know you well yet and spill it to them how you're feeling and what's been going on in your life.

Bulimia is a symtom of a greater issue...sounds like fear is hard at work in your mind. You're NOT crazy...you're awesome!!! Why do I say that because you are seeking help here...and you WILL find support here as you know already being a member but the type of help you need now might not be found on this board.

I'm soooooooo proud of you for posting, I KNOW it's not easy, so many times I've needed and wanted to post about something and found myself to afraid thinking someone wouldn't understand.

Some on here may not understand but you will get support.

Please feel free to contact me or add me as a bud and PM anytime. I dealt with this in a bad way some years back and the urge even nowadays (though it's been quite sometime that I've used the behavior) my mind kicks in the thought of doing it...it's like a drug, a love hate thing. Your brain actually releases a chemical when you are both overeating and purging, that's how we get in the grip of it...it sounds repulsive to some but when our brain is sending comforting chemicals it's like an addiciton, ok, who I am kidding, it is an additction of sorts.

Hugs and hang in there, you can work your way back out of this TI but you'll need to get help to do it and learn what it's doing to you ...it's not just crazy making in our heads but is seriously effecting our bodies in an unhealthy way more than we realize.

FC

goochinator

I really cant add much more than the others have already posted, but I think you are awesome for even coming on here asking for help- that in itself is a huge step in realizing a problem and wanting better for yoursef. I'm glad you are here and asked that question/posted the problem- I know there are others on here who share the same problem, but may have been too embarassed to seek help!
Way to go!!:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:

TemporarilyInsane

Thank you all so far for your thoughts and comments. I just don't think I am ready right now to admit this to another live person or counselor.

Fitness_Chick

Thank you all so far for your thoughts and comments. I just don't think I am ready right now to admit this to another live person or counselor.

That concerns me and I'm really sorry to hear that..please reconsider...it sounded like you were seeking help...perhaps I misunderstood your post.

tuxedo702

I'm sorry you're going through this. I think the best thing you could have done is to at least admit it to yourself. From the title of your post it appears that you don't want anyone - even us in cyberspace who you probably don't know anyway - to know your secret. I think there's a lot of guilt and shame that you're feeling. But you're not alone. So many people suffer from bulemia but, like you, they don't want anyone to know. That guilt and shame further fuels the problem. And so the cycle continues...

My advice is twofold. One, you need to see a therapist to talk about the underlying feelings that are causing your behavior. Two, iVillage.com is a site for women and it has a million message boards on everything you can think of. I'm almost positive they have one for eating disorders and they may even have one for bulemia.

You are not alone. I'd be willilng to bet alot of people on this site are battling the same thing. I'm a binge eater too and I just hate that I'm such a slave to food. So far, I haven't purged but that's obviously the next step. The more you are able to talk about this with people you trust, the better off you will be. It's hard to "come out of the closet" with an eating disorder but, I think that if you do, you will feel a great deal of relief. You have already made the first step, Keep up the good work and I wish you well.

DjBliss05

Thank you all so far for your thoughts and comments. I just don't think I am ready right now to admit this to another live person or counselor.

Take some time to think about it and then make the call.

I know it is hard to admit that you are going through this, but it is important to know that there are people who can listen. Therapists, especially one that specializes in eatting disorders, hear about all kinds of problems every day. They can hear what you are saying without judgement. It sounds like this is an important step for you. There are also support groups that you could consider (although it sounds like that might be more intimidating if you haven't been able to say it yet), eventually it might be good to hear that other people are going through the same thing.

We'll be thinking about you and here to support you, but you'll need more help than the internet can provide. Good for you for taking a step in the right direction. I can only imagine how scary it is to come forward and admit that you have this going on. :flowerforyou:

songbyrdsweet

Thank you all so far for your thoughts and comments. I just don't think I am ready right now to admit this to another live person or counselor.

I don't think you should ever expect to be ready. If you're this uncomfortable now, how will you feel when this progresses to an everyday occurrence? It will always be difficult to talk about, but doing it sooner rather than later will prevent serious health problems. Just something to think about.

Nich0le

First I would like to say that you need to find someone in your area that you can speak with. Binging and purging is a serious health issue and you would most likely benefit from some counseling. You have taken the first step by admitting that you have a problem with this and now you need to take a second step and seek out help.

You run the risk of having a heart attack, espogial problems and many other health problems. I can tell you that I work for a dentist and we see a couple of girls a year that need dental implants or dentures from the damage they have caused to their teeth from the stomach acid. It is not pretty or cheap to repair either!

You say you are not ready to admit to a live person that you have this problem but you MUST. If you have medical insurance go online and look up eating disorders and therapy to find something or someone in your area. You may find a "hotline" that you can phone in and start discussing your problem or group counseling that has many people in different stages of coping to help you.

Everyone needs help at some point in their lives. A doctor or counselor are there to help. Lastly, there is NO SHAME in needing support from others!

:flowerforyou:

cjm0014

Hey there. i am not going to give you any more practical advice-those above have much more than covered it. All i want to say is that I understand-I did and do still struggle with it. Thats why i joined this site in the first place. I know how completely miserable it can and will and already has made you. i don't know if you are a religious person, but i will say a prayer for you and hope you will do the same for yourself. If you need to talk, message me on this name or your real one, i don't care. Good luck dear!

mommachag

your never really ready. but something made you take the first step, use the momentum and talk to someone. It isnt easy, nothing worth having ever is.

you can do it