your best jokes

Bonita_Lynne_58

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant.
... I'll be home before midnight. -Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:"Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18- year-old pool boy.
Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Don't wait up. -Your Wife!!!!

Love this one!

Bonita_Lynne_58

Oh My Goodness !!!!! I was in the public toilets and had just sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi !, how are you ?" Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine". The voice said "So what are you up to ?". I said, "Just doing the same as you, sitting here !". From next door, "Can I come over?". Annoyed, I said " rather busy right now". The voice said, "Listen, i will have to call you back, there's an idiot next door answering all my questions".

Oh my ,,,,,,,,,,,,,This one really did have me laughing out loud. Thanks!

Chastityx

A retired man goes to the social security office to apply for SS. The clerk asks him for his identification but he seemed to forgot it at home. The clerk says, "Unbutton your shirt." The man thought the clerk's request was a bit odd but he unbuttoned anyway. The clerk says, "Ok you're approved. The white hairs on your chest is enough proof for me." The man returns home and tells his wife about his experience. The wife says, "You should've dropped your pants. You would've gotten disability too"

Chastityx

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their Dad for a clue. The dad said -"well its what Mummy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an a** ****

Chastityx

A snake slithers into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here." "Why not?" asks the snake. "You can't hold your liquor."

livnlite

A man, elderly and somewhat meek and his somewhat pushy elderly wife boarded a airplane in Vacouver, with the intention of visiting thier daughter in Halifax. They are both very frail and need assistance boarding. Finally they are seated in thier seats and seat belted in safe and sound. A young man comes along, and sits next to the couple, makes eye contact and imediately starts chatting with the elderly gentleman. Happy to have a smiling face to chit chat with, the elderly man welcomed the conversation partner.

Over the course of the flight, the two men have chatted up a storm. They talked about numerous subjects, but not without constant interuption from the elderly wife as she was VERY hard of hearing.

When the two men chatted about the types of airplanes they had flown in, the wife would rudely interrupt and speak in a loud crackly voice "Huh, WHAT DID HE SAAYYY?". Politely, the hubby explained in a loud enough voice for her to hear "HE SAID HE HAS NEVER FLOWN IN A PLANE LIKE THIS BEFORE!".

Then the coversation turned onto sports. Of course, again, the bitty, would interrupt and speak in a loud crackly voice .. "Huh, WHAT DID HE SAAYYY?".. Politely, the sweet and patient hubby calmly turns to her and says "HE SAYS HE LIKES HOCKEY!"

Then the conversation took another turn ..this time..towards the choice of chicken or fish ... Yet again .. another interruption, with a "Huh, WHAT DID HE SAAYYY?" , yet again, the sweet and patient hubby calmly turns to her and says "HE SAYS HE IS GOING TO ORDER THE CHICKEN!"

Throughout the flight, the same thing happened repeatedly, and the two gents were getting a little worn by the repeated disruption, but kept politely explaining each time.

There was an announcement on the flight speaker, that the plane was about ready to land, and that all passengers and flight crew should prepare for landing soon. The younger gent whispers to the sweet elderly man, "You know, some years ago I was here in Halifax and had me the worst piece of tail EVER!" The two gents had a little chuckle... which of course caught the little lady's attention so again she says in a loud crackly voice "Huh, WHAT DID HE SAAYYY?"

Finally fed up with having to repeat every conversation the sweet, gentle, patient, elderly gentle man turns to his wife and says ..

"HE SAYS HE KNOWS YOU!"

livnlite

Sorry double post!

Shells06

Bump

Chastityx

Sorry double post!

Thanks. that was a funny one!

Chastityx

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING... SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T ST...OP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT. THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.. SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD. ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'. 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE. 'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED. BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN!

HollieDoodles

That last one surprised me! LOL and Ewww!

HollieDoodles

A blonde decides to try horseback
riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor
prior experience. She mounts the horse
unassisted, and the horse immediately springs
into motion. It gallops along at a steady and
rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide
from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot
seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around
the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's
side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly
impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip,
the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse
and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become
entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the
mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head
is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the
ground, she is mere moments away from
unconsciousness when to her great fortune...
Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and
unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello.

cklbrown

Very funny. Thanks for the entertainment!

cklbrown

:laugh:

Chastityx

Two wives go out for girls night. Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning one husband called the other and said "No more girls night out! My wife came back with no panties." The other husband said "You think that's bad? Mine came back with a card in her crack that read 'From all of us at the fire station... we'll never forget you.

Chastityx

Dave, the president of a large corporation, was forced to make some cutbacks in his staff. He stayed up half the night thinking "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

Tiggerrick

A man is traveling abroad in a small out of the way province in China. He comes across a hooker and buys her services. Upon returning to the States, he realizes he has contracted some kind of venerial disease. He goes to his doctor for a check up.
His doctor does a few tests, comes back and tells him "I'm sorry, the disease you have contracted is very rare. We are going to have to cut your p***s off." He responds:"NO WAY, I am getting a second opinion."
He goes to the local hospital where once again he is told by attending doctor "We're gonna have to cut it off." He says: "NO WAY, I'm getting a third opinion."
He does some research and finds a doctor from the same province and goes to him. The doctor examines him and says: "I see, I see, I know exactly what you've got.
The man asks "Are you going to have to cut it off?"
The doctor says: "No, no, no. We don't have to cut it off. It falls off all by itself."

mommared53

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems ok, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch...her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

Tegan74

How do you make Winnie the Pooh mad?



Stick 2 fingers in his honey

Johnnyswife

Dave, the president of a large corporation, was forced to make some cutbacks in his staff. He stayed up half the night thinking "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

OMG!! I had to read it twice before I got it. lol:laugh: :laugh:

bmqbonnie

A man was sitting by a bar with his Chihuahua and watched another man in dark glasses go inside with his seeing eye dog, a German Shepherd. He thought he would really like a drink too, but didn't want to leave his dog alone. So he found a little coat and harness for his Chihuahua and donned some dark glasses and walked in.

The bartender stopped him and said "Sir, I can't let you in with a dog".

"But this is my seeing eye dog!" he protested.

"You expect me to believe that your Chihuahua is a seeing eye dog?"

"THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA?!?"

avalonms

Papa Buzzard and his son had a contemptuous relationship during the son's teen years - finally, one day, the son left. Papa Buzzard did not hear from his son for three years, then one day, he saw his son coming up from the distance. They embraced and the son told his father that he was a complete failure on his own. Papa Buzzard was glad to have him back so he suggested they go in and get something to eat as the son looked famished. "What do you have to eat?" asked the son.

Papa Buzzard answered: "Carrion, my wayward son."

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1st Lawyer - I'm busy setting up a corporation for a group of athiests.
2nd Lawyer - Obviously, it's a non-prophet corporation.

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A priest, a rabbi and a Presbyterian minister walked into a bar. The bartender took one look at them and said, "Hey, wait a minute. I've heard this one."

A skeleton walks into a bar and says “Give me a beer and a mop.”

A mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman... She, of course, turns him down.
Not willing to give up, he pleads with her... "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy..."

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

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