your best jokes

Chastityx

A cab driver picks up a nun. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you. Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "first, you have to be single & you must be Catholic." ... ... ... He says, "Yes, I'm single & Catholic!" The nun kisses the driver then asks why he is crying. I lied. I must confess I'm married & I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin & I'm going to a Halloween party

DannyMussels

Q.What does Draculas girlfriend and an out-of-shape boxer have in common?













A. They both go down for the count.

Chastityx

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. ... ... ... ... The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. ... ... The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus,I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said,'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'

Chastityx

A little boy goes to his father and asks, "What is Politics?" Dad says, "Well, son let me try to explain it this way. I'm the bread winner of the family so lets call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll call her the Working Class and your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense." Later that night he hears his baby brother crying so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severly soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room and find his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her he goes to his nanny's room. Finding the door locked. he peeks through the key hole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of Politics now." The father says," good son, tell me in your own words what you think Politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****.

Chastityx

I stole all these from my fb pg too, they were having fun tonight, thanks for the laughs guys!

Tiggerrick

Totally giggling at my desk.

manderson27

A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off." "Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs. White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?" "OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. White exclaims, "He's pissing in the fridge again

ROFL my husband and I are crying with laughter at this one.

Chastityx

A highly dangerous virus called, "Weekly Overload Recreational Killer"(WORK) is currently going around. If you come into contact with this WORK virus, you should immediately go to the nearest "Biological Anxiety Relief"(BAR) center to take antidotes known as "Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract"(WINE), "Radioactive Un-work Medicine"(RUM),"Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter"(BEER), or "Vaccine Official Depression Killing Antigen(VODKA). Please copy and raise awareness of this debilitating disease

Chastityx

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'' ''Yes, What can I do for you?'' ''I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith.... He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.''
''Thank you very much for the call, sir.'' The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneered at Virgil and leave.
Shortly after, the phone rings at Virgil's house. ''Hey, Virgil,? This here's Floyd.... Did the Sheriff come?'' ''Yeah!'' '' Did they chop your firewood for the winter?'' ''Yep!'' ''Happy Birthday, buddy!''
Rednecks know how to git-R-done

bjs06

some may find this a bit crude but.. its funny, period.

what did one tampon say to the other?
nothing. they're both stuck up c*****.

Bonita_Lynne_58

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant.
... I'll be home before midnight. -Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:"Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18- year-old pool boy.
Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Don't wait up. -Your Wife!!!!

Love this one!

Bonita_Lynne_58

Oh My Goodness !!!!! I was in the public toilets and had just sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi !, how are you ?" Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine". The voice said "So what are you up to ?". I said, "Just doing the same as you, sitting here !". From next door, "Can I come over?". Annoyed, I said " rather busy right now". The voice said, "Listen, i will have to call you back, there's an idiot next door answering all my questions".

Oh my ,,,,,,,,,,,,,This one really did have me laughing out loud. Thanks!

Chastityx

A retired man goes to the social security office to apply for SS. The clerk asks him for his identification but he seemed to forgot it at home. The clerk says, "Unbutton your shirt." The man thought the clerk's request was a bit odd but he unbuttoned anyway. The clerk says, "Ok you're approved. The white hairs on your chest is enough proof for me." The man returns home and tells his wife about his experience. The wife says, "You should've dropped your pants. You would've gotten disability too"

Chastityx

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their Dad for a clue. The dad said -"well its what Mummy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an a** ****

Chastityx

A snake slithers into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here." "Why not?" asks the snake. "You can't hold your liquor."

livnlite

A man, elderly and somewhat meek and his somewhat pushy elderly wife boarded a airplane in Vacouver, with the intention of visiting thier daughter in Halifax. They are both very frail and need assistance boarding. Finally they are seated in thier seats and seat belted in safe and sound. A young man comes along, and sits next to the couple, makes eye contact and imediately starts chatting with the elderly gentleman. Happy to have a smiling face to chit chat with, the elderly man welcomed the conversation partner.

Over the course of the flight, the two men have chatted up a storm. They talked about numerous subjects, but not without constant interuption from the elderly wife as she was VERY hard of hearing.

When the two men chatted about the types of airplanes they had flown in, the wife would rudely interrupt and speak in a loud crackly voice "Huh, WHAT DID HE SAAYYY?". Politely, the hubby explained in a loud enough voice for her to hear "HE SAID HE HAS NEVER FLOWN IN A PLANE LIKE THIS BEFORE!".

Then the coversation turned onto sports. Of course, again, the bitty, would interrupt and speak in a loud crackly voice .. "Huh, WHAT DID HE SAAYYY?".. Politely, the sweet and patient hubby calmly turns to her and says "HE SAYS HE LIKES HOCKEY!"

Then the conversation took another turn ..this time..towards the choice of chicken or fish ... Yet again .. another interruption, with a "Huh, WHAT DID HE SAAYYY?" , yet again, the sweet and patient hubby calmly turns to her and says "HE SAYS HE IS GOING TO ORDER THE CHICKEN!"

Throughout the flight, the same thing happened repeatedly, and the two gents were getting a little worn by the repeated disruption, but kept politely explaining each time.

There was an announcement on the flight speaker, that the plane was about ready to land, and that all passengers and flight crew should prepare for landing soon. The younger gent whispers to the sweet elderly man, "You know, some years ago I was here in Halifax and had me the worst piece of tail EVER!" The two gents had a little chuckle... which of course caught the little lady's attention so again she says in a loud crackly voice "Huh, WHAT DID HE SAAYYY?"

Finally fed up with having to repeat every conversation the sweet, gentle, patient, elderly gentle man turns to his wife and says ..

"HE SAYS HE KNOWS YOU!"

livnlite

Sorry double post!

Shells06

Bump

Chastityx

Sorry double post!

Thanks. that was a funny one!

Chastityx

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING... SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T ST...OP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT. THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.. SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD. ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'. 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE. 'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED. BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN!