Weight Loss is Ruining my Marriage

Zeromilediet

Off the top I'd say there's other dynamics going on and the personal growth and weight loss accomplishments are just bringing them out. As was suggested (because it sounds like he's not listening), you might want to consider counselling and if he won't go, then go by yourself. Both of you have needs that aren't being met and that's sad.

tiktak27

yeah, so he sounds insecure. You are so young, nip it in the bud. Sit down and share your feelings with him. Ask him to join you on your venture. go for a walk, join a gym together, make it a couples journey. Tell him that you are doing this for your health. You would like to be around for kids and him. I am married for 38 years and trust me I have been there. My husband takes enough pills that I swear I am living with a 90 year old man. I joined a gym, he got mad, I told him I want to see my grandchildren get married. If he wanted to come then join me. He joined the gym, I go every other day, he goes whenever. You have to do this for you, your health, your life. Is he heavy? Maybe his DR can scare him Good luck

He's not over weight, so he can't be afraid due to his weight that I'll leave him, he is a bit nerdy, but I love nerdy guys, hence why I married him. The only things I don't like about our marriage is lack of going out together, lack of intimate time, and that's about it. Which I think is pretty important in a marriage!!! What's the point of being married if your S/O will not spend time with you?

heartfixx2

A partner is supposed to be just that......1/2 of you. If he is not, then he never was...fat or thin.

tiktak27

when you go out don't tell him that some guy was checking you out or flirting with you or said something to that made you feel good about your self. i think he is scared that now you are losing the weight starting to look good and wearing makeup that you will find someone better them him. he might say that he is not worried but it's a lie! maybe he doesnt want to go out with friends... so just take it step by step. once a month or once every other week go out to dinner or the movies together and just have a date. and have you ever tryed talking to him about how you feel? if you did talk to him about how you feel and he still acts like this then he will never change and he is just jealous. show him how much you love him and tell him whats on your mind. and tell him your doing this for your self. for your health and to make your self happy and not others.

I don't tell him every time it happens, because it happens A LOT, and I know it makes him feel bad, know I'm not unattractive, because my friends and these strangers tell me I'm not, (his lack of intimacy makes me feel that way) so I wonder what the problem is with our intimacy levels, I don't find him unattractive, he's very handsome, and I know I'm not the only one who feels that way! I've had to drop quite a few girlfriends because they were interested in my husband. So I'm not sure why he feels so insecure, maybe he doesn't like the way he looks? I tell him how attractive he is and tease him jokingly when a girl is OBVIOUSLY flirting with him. I used to be a jealous sort when I was bigger when these pretty skinny, girls would flirt with him, but now that I get flirted with too, I realize that they're not a threat because just because someone else is interested in you doesn't mean you're interested back!

tiktak27

It sounds like your husband has never been a go out and have fun kind of guy, and maybe you weren't a go out and have fun kind of girl before. As we age, we change. Significant things in our life - like losing weight - also make us change. When folks are together - married or in a committed relationship - they sometimes change together, but sometimes diverge onto separate paths. I think you're right - you need marriage counseling to make each other aware of your separate needs. This is a vary difficult time for you, obviously, and I wish you all the luck in the world.

I have always always been a go out and have fun kind of girl!!! Over the years as my weight packed on I went less than I used to, to social events, because I was ashamed of how big I was and didn't want anyone to see me. Now I feel like I'm me again, I have so much energy and he KNEW when we got married that I was a go out and have fun kind of girl. When I say have fun, I mean, bike rides in the park with friends, church social events, movies, going out to eat, all sorts of things, none of them are bad or destructive activities!

I haven't "changed" if anything I'm back to who I was when he first met me. I feel like he wants me to stay in his little safety bubble and never have fun or meet new friends. I'm sick of sitting around being a lump on a log, I don't want to waste my life being a home body, and I want him to join me!

AussieGem

There could be many reasons why he is acting the way he is towards your success.

He could be insecure as suggested before and worried you'll lose the weight, get in shape and decide he isn't good enough for you. Another reason could be that he may feel things are changing, some people are uncomfortable with change, he may feel 'confronted' (for lack of a better word). As you said, all he wants to do is watch movies, play video games and be a couch potato and it has always been that way. He may feel like you are also trying to change him??

You just need to sit down with him and talk, atleast you will know what is actually going on in your marriage and then go from there. I know it is a tricky situation, but at the end of the day you have to be happy and confident in your own skin - afterall is only your life. Good luck!!

dmpizza

i don't think your husband's behavior has anything to do with your size. I think you are making an incorrect association.
You should keeping trying to be healthy(and thinner) and outgoing, no matter what he does.
Good Luck, none of those goals are easy.

tiktak27

I was already divorced when I started my weight loss venture. But this has happened to other women in my support group.
I read that if you were a large women when you got married, there's something like an 85% chance the marriage won't last if you lose a lot of weight. Compared to about 50% for anyone getting married these days.
On of my bariatric friends is young and adorable. She ended up meeting someone else who adores her. He doesn't want her to have reconstructive surgery--he loves her the way she is right now. She's now due in February. I was afraid she'd freak out seeing her body get bigger again, but she is fine. She's in love--and for the first time since she was in high school--she loves herself.
If your husband's lack of attention is making your marriage miserable, first, talk to him. Suggest counseling possibly. If that doesn't work, consider your own future.
It's not your weight loss that's ruining your marriage. I think there were problems before that happened.
I wish you the best.

I think you're right, but I was just too chicken to stand up for myself before, because I didn't love me so I didn't feel I deserved to be happy. Now I do love me, I love all of me, I am happy with how I look for the first time ever and I want to have fun and have friends and take my husband with me, I don't want a divorce, I want him to simply notice me, and go out with me and when he does I feel amazing, I feel like yes, I finally have the marriage I wanted. But it never lasts, we always have this fight, I want to be more intimate with you, I want to go out and do things with you, he'll do something about it for about 2 weeks to a month, after that it goes right back to how it always is, once a week, maybe, and sitting at home in our house doing nothing. I feel like he's content to waste his life on the couch, and I'm not. I'm also not content to allow him to waste his and it seems to make him angry that I think he's wasting his life? It's not that video games aren't fun, and that I don't enjoy movies, but when he sits down and literally wants to have all day movie/video game marathons, I get frustrated and fed up. I don't like sitting down all day, I never did enjoy it I only did it because I had gotten too fat and it hurt to move.

rachel1496

It sounds like your husband has never been a go out and have fun kind of guy, and maybe you weren't a go out and have fun kind of girl before. As we age, we change. Significant things in our life - like losing weight - also make us change. When folks are together - married or in a committed relationship - they sometimes change together, but sometimes diverge onto separate paths. I think you're right - you need marriage counseling to make each other aware of your separate needs. This is a vary difficult time for you, obviously, and I wish you all the luck in the world.

I have always always been a go out and have fun kind of girl!!! Over the years as my weight packed on I went less than I used to, to social events, because I was ashamed of how big I was and didn't want anyone to see me. Now I feel like I'm me again, I have so much energy and he KNEW when we got married that I was a go out and have fun kind of girl. When I say have fun, I mean, bike rides in the park with friends, church social events, movies, going out to eat, all sorts of things, none of them are bad or destructive activities!

I haven't "changed" if anything I'm back to who I was when he first met me. I feel like he wants me to stay in his little safety bubble and never have fun or meet new friends. I'm sick of sitting around being a lump on a log, I don't want to waste my life being a home body, and I want him to join me!

Has he always been a go out and have fun kind of guy or has he always been a homebody?

kandrews24

I doubt he'll be interestd in counseling, but before you throw in the towel, I'd start doing for him, what you want him to do for you. In otherwords, I'd go overboard with sexting, and making romantic dinners, and walk out to make him breakfast on Saturday morning in lingerie, and initiate more often and do things that you haven't done before in the bedroom, like initiate and other little sexy things. See if he responds. Try to make small comments like that you hope he noticed your new jeans cause you bought them for him, etc. My thinking is that if you can make him feel secure and that you are attracted to him and want him to notice you, he might get on board. It is worth a try. It can't get worse and it might be a lot of fun!

sweetiebelle

I feel your pain & i here your cries. I've been there. My ex husband was like that. Just like that. Im so sorry you are going through this. If you ever want to talk I will always be here

jenstanley13

Did he like to go out before or is this something new? I feel for you but it sounds like the intimacy and going out has not changed but you have found more things that you want to do as you shed the pounds. I'm not trying to take his side but it sounds like you have changed (or at least gone back to the way you were before some of the weight gain) and he was and is happy with the way things have been and sees no reason or does not want to change. I see both sides, I live with a homebody and I require socialization in my life; we have found ways to compromise that we are both happy. I hope you can find the same compromise in your marriage.

I definitely think counseling is in order and hope he will go so that you can both work out the problems.

Eskajay

Most people have covered the majority of issues but what I would like to say is don't use his behaviour (& apparent desire to control you as a person) deter you from your success. There are so many other reasons to lose weight, such as your health being the obvious main one!!! This alone should be something that ( if he does love you) he should be over the moon about; and that you will be around for much longer and have so much less chance of developing many diseases such as heart disease, cholesterol problems & diabeties. You are still so young & I am so pleased for you that you are making an effort (& achieving great results!) to improve your health. If your husband truly loves you, (& you are able to get him to councelling) then he may be able to listen to you & understand that you are largely doing this for him as well ( although as I said..... you are the most important reason for doing this - because you owe it to yourself!) and one of the reasons that you are doing it is because you love him so much.
I have been married once before & although weight was not an issue.... there were other reasons why it didn't work..... largely because we were incompatible.... Maybe once you have both been to councelling this will become evident - as to whether you are compatible or not. We do change so much in our lives, as we mature & life is just too short to be with someone for the wrong reasons. I am not trying to tell you what you should do, except don't settle for anything less than what you deserve. There is always someone who will love you for you....Hopefully that is your husband - but please don't live the rest of your live in misery & PLEASE don't stop losing weight to keep your husband happy & in control of you! I am now happily re-married to someone who loves me unconditionally.... Best of luck
PS Oh.... & feeling/looking fantastic/sexy is one of the wonderful benefits of losing weight of course - & you also deserve that as well! If your husband looked at it from that point of view he might realise that he will gain from that too!

Oishii

I had a boyfriend with the same trust and control issues, and it turned out that he was the untrustworthy one. I'm not saying this is your husband's case, but trust issues can work both ways, and don't always equate with insecurity.

I realised, this time that I lost weight, that I had always hoped that my husband would be nicer to me when I did, so when he wasn't I'd put it all back on again. Realising this seems to have helped to prevent that cycle, and not seeing weight as tied up with our relationship seems to have helped us becnice to each other too.

I have to practically throw myself at my husband too, and as I'd like a second child, I'm going to have to try even harder! He really is tired a lot and we are very busy, but if your husband has time for video games, I guess that isn't the case.

I really hope you can work things out. Could you go away for a couple of days? Somewhere with no games console?

Dragongrl

Good grief!!! Your husband sounds just like mine!!!!