obsessed, need help

ashleyb9

Alright, here it is. I am struggling right now with my life. I know i have posted many times about being unhappy and needing to maintain and/or gain weight so I decided to make a page out of it. As you all know I started my weight-loss journey in May and have been very successful. This came with eating fewer calories then previous and exercise. I have always worked out but the problem was my over eating and compulsive eating of fatty foods, fried foods, sweets, and soda. I took those out of my diet completely and have never been happier or felt better. Yes, I will have a sampling of a sweet here and there but they don't even tempt me anymore. I lost a good thirty or so pounds this summer and came back to college weighing about 108. I was VERY worried about weight gain seeing I bought all new clothes and all. I was worried what others were going to say about me. Coming back to school has NOT been easy but I haven't changed. I get the "anorexic" comments, the "have you GAINED" weight jokes that I think are so rude, and positive reinforcement. Anyways, I am not down to about 99.6 which I am not proud of. I eat throughout the day but the problem is the foods I eat now are so low calorie and I go to the gym about 5 days a week and do a lot of cardio as well as abs and strength training. So, I am still burning way too much and I don't know what to do. I try to increase what I eat and it doesn't work because I honestly eat when I am hungry and when I am full I stop. Sometimes, I over-eat or make myself feel sick because I am trying to eat more. With cardio, it's my time to get away and seeing "5 miles" is such an accomplishment. I DON'T do it to lose weight, I honestly ENJOY it. This is my first step to getting help, this is hard for me...you have no idea. I did not go to the gym yesterday and I am not going today which kills me and makes me so upset because it is the one thing that takes my mind off of life and makes my day better, it always has been. I am in such a bad mood because this is so hard. I am also eating more which makes me feel gross physically because my stomach isn't big enough. I don't know how to do this and I know I need to go to counseling or something but this is my first step. I don't have an "eating disorder" and I never planned on losing so much. I do count calories which I know I need to stop but I don't do it just for the calories I do it for the sugar and iron levels as well. I hate hate hate hate hate seeing such a high number regarding what I eat to be honest but it's never like oh I ate 900 calories I need to stop eating for the day. I don't starve myself or fast, I legit fasted for one day in the end of May and that was it. I'm not sure what I am trying to get across with this post but I need to start recovering somewhere. I am scared to gain weight and not fit into my clothes but I bought these clothes at 115 so I think I should be okay. I have NO boobs what so ever and I just feel week. I strength train as well at the gym so that's not the issue. If anybody would like to be of help please let me know. This is very serious and important. What was supposed to be a happy time for me is now causing extreme stress, depression, and tears everyday. I talk about this with my roommates and they are so supportive but obviously cannot help me because they are not informed enough. Some of the foods I eat are chicken, fish, scallops, oatmeal, greek yogurt, fruits and veggies, soup, tea, cereal, flax seeds, etc. My grocery list provides a good example. Anyways, I just feel like a counselor can't help me and is only going to judge. Thank you for reading this, it means a lot. I hope this comes of help to girls or anybody who may experience a similar situation. I NEVER PLANNED TO WEIGH EVEN 105 NEVERMIND 99.6. This is out of control, I am scared. Thanks guy!

brandimacleod

A good counselor will not judge you. They will help. I hope you find one to talk to about all of this. I will keep you in my thoughts!

randa_behnam

You need to see your doctor. tell them how you are feeling .you may need something to help you with your axiety and obsession with your weight and calorie counting that can help you feel less stressed with it all.

I wont judge you about your weight. If you are happy in your size then good for you. but it seems that you are worried that you cant stop. You do need to see a councilor or someone specialised to help you and help you change your mentality.

Maybe coming off this site and not counting calories for a while is the first step. you can only be helped if you want to help yourself.

good luck

PokenStick

You're so afraid of gaining weight back that you're eating fruit, salads, and oats. Stop having 60 calorie dinners. 3 egg whites is not
a dinner. A single sweet potato is not a dinner.

You're trying to convince yourself you don't have an eating disorder, but from what you've said and your diary, you do.

davejlee

Eat a cheeseburger. Do you enjoy the way foods can taste?

If you can't increase the quantity then increase the caloric density.

To be honest though, if you "can't" stop doing something that you "know you need to stop" doing, you got a problem.

Own your baggage, don't let it own you.

rosied915

You are absolutely right~ you need professional help~ and these boards are NOT the place you should be seeking it.

At 99 pounds, you aren't "scary small" for your height, but the tone of your post indicates that you are heading in that direction.

I checked your food diary and I think you are well aware that you are not eating enough, so there's no need to debate that.

I also looked at your exercise diary and I think you are WAAAY over-estimating your calories burned on that elliptical. Are you wearing a heart rate monitor?

Anyway, that's the least of your problems right now, hon. Please, please get some real, live professional help before it's too late!

Wishing you the very best of luck with this......

elizahbeth

I understand. I think what I'm going through parallels your experience.

I began to count calories in a sort of haphazard way, I weighed 175 several years ago, about 6 years I think. Eventually, like you, I managed to reach a very low weight, I was active, not as active as you are, but lots of walks, chi gong, yoga and when I work, I'm standing.
I never intended to get so skinny, but once I started dieting and excersizing regularly, it seemed so easy, I wasn't all that hungry anymore and so I just kept going.

I don't know how tall you are, but I'm 5 feet 6 3/4 inches tall, the lowest that I should be is 119-120 but I got to 107 pounds. I had no bum, no boobs and my face was starting to look a bit grey and skeletal.
I felt nervous a lot of the time, not too tired, but always cold.

About 6 months after I had gotten down to 107 pounds we got busy with a move to Europe and after about a year and a half I gained back up to what the BMI charts say is a healthy weight for me - 120 pounds.

Looking back at what happened next I realize that when we moved to Europe I had a lot of guilt about having left my family back in North America and that I hadn't dealt with it, or even really was able to understand how I felt about a lot of things in my past. I also felt insecure and intimidated because a lot of the italian women are aggressive and so out there with their bodies and thier skinny legs, which I don't have. I have strong legs, not fat, but more muscled of a body than they have.

So my way to cope with my guilt and insecurity was that I decided to diet again, and this time, within a few months I was at 103 pounds.
Now, on me that looks really bad, but I didn't see it, so I worked to maintain this and kept it off for nearly a year.

One day my husband said, 'it doens't look very good". I went to the mirror and I saw.
I saw what other people were seeing for the first time in years: a skinny, flat chested, bony, buttless woman. I couldn't see that before.
I saw that no matter what I wore, nothing looked very good on me anymore. I know a lot of women wear a padded bra or have surgery, but I don't want to have surgery, too many chemicals and then you have to have that weight on your chest forever. I think push up padded bras look ugly, hard and unnatural.

I have struggled to eat properly and not over excersize for a long time. I got up to around 112 - 113, but I was afraid to eat over 1000 calories a day for fear of overeating and gaining back up to 150 or more! So I stayed between 112 and 118 for many months. THe problem was that I was still eating under the normal calorie amount for my size and age, so really I wasn't making myself any healthier, and I finally got to a point that I really did want to be healthy again.

The years I spent on a low calorie intake impacted greatly on my health. I got horrible ridges in my nails that show how badly I was damaging my cartilege. My blood pressure is still very low and my muscles were definately becoming atrophied. Before I had gotten to these low weights I was very healthy, and healthy but not fat looking until the last 25 pounds I had put on. But staying at a low calorie intake for years really took energy and health out of me. I was becoming exhausted and too tired to do very much except the neccessities and I couldn't sleep well nights.

Nothing anyone said made a difference. I knew it was going to have to come from inside me to make the change to really want to be healthy more than being skinny. At some point, that happened. I began to realize what I was doing to my health, my life and how I was shortening my days here on earth! I was able to connect with some women who had to distance themselves from their families and this amazingly, by understanding what they had gone through, made me feel less alone and the guilt I had been carrying for so long dropped away. This was the final key to being able to look after myself properly. I no longer hated myself, so I could validate myself and my need to stay strong and eat well. I didn't have to punish myself by starving and looking thin anymore.

I joined MFP so that I can track excersize and calories. Now I eat the calories that are earned from excerisize and I eat more nuts, olive oil, some ricotta cheese, with the whey to build muscles back and I eat whole grain bread again, which I gave up to get down to the 103 pound level.

I weigh 119 - 120 pounds and for my height that is still slender, I fit into clothes nicely and people aren't looking at me strangely nor do they comment on how I"m too skinny anymore. I'm happier already and I've really just begun to enjoy my life again.

I didn't need professional help. Most people who get it are driven into a cyclic thing of hospitals and starving over and over again. So I'm very grateful to you for writing your experiences here so I can share mine with you.

I really really hope anything I have said may be of use to you. Keep hanging in there, I honestly believe you won't go back up to your high weight, or to overeating, if you just add some good foods and stop some of the excersize you are doing. I haven't had much trouble with overeating since I learned how to eat more veggies etc, as you described yourself in your post. I'm really into maintaining at around 120 and you know, I actually look better at that weight anyway. Bless you for posting your dilemma,
I know it took courage.

ILiftHeavyAcrylics

Any type of "obsession" to the point that it takes over your life is a problem. You seem to be unhappy and to have a lot of anxiety. You really need to see a professional counselor. If you go and they judge you, then you can go see someone else. There are tons of people out there who want to help you with this I promise. But I agree that while coming out on the boards is a good step for you, you can't always trust the internet-- some people are mean-spirited, and even those who want to help you are not professionals for the most part and don't know exactly how to help you. I think you need a professional. If you're really not comfortable seeing a counselor what about a nutritionist? I am worried about you I hope you keep posting and let us know how you're doing.

Rilke

You're so afraid of gaining weight back that you're eating fruit, salads, and oats. Stop having 60 calorie dinners. 3 egg whites is not a dinner. A single sweet potato is not a dinner.

You're trying to convince yourself you don't have an eating disorder, but from what you've said and your diary, you do.

Quoted for truth.

Please get some help. You can get past this, but you need to reach out.

ashleyb9

thank you guys so much. as far as the elliptical question- how much do you think i burn? i know machines aren't accurate but it tells me i am burning in the "900" range and once i got to "1000" so i just put 800 in, i mean it doesn't really matter to me because i workout for stress release and because i enjoy it, i always have..not to lose weight. ive never upped my workouts i do 40-60 minutes cardio, 30 min abs, 30 min strength training- give or take depending on my day and schedule. i also don't post everything i eat because i can't find some stuff i eat on the site or don't know the proper measurements. i really appreciate all of you coming forth and helping. so many different opinions, i have no idea where my next step is. i have been eating WAY more making myself almost sick because it's too much and i havent gone to the gym in three days which makes me depressed because it's my reliever from all my college school work and crappy friends. i am a mess

mommyjen7

I have always been obsessed with my weight and once got down to 95 pounds (and up to 140). I did manage to keep my weight around 102 by starving for quite a while but then I could not take it any more (or life in general) so I am up to 112. People are commenting that they LIKE that I have gained weight. That is the worst possible thing to say to someone that is weight obsessed. Now I'm thinking starving doesnt work any more so do I need to exercise hours a day? I cant (I work 12 hours a day at a desk). Mainly this post is just to let people know that unless someone brings up the fact that they tried to put on some pounds and they have, NEVER tell someone they look better after having put on some weight (no matter what their size). You never know the issues they may have with that.