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I have to do something

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After years of anorexia and bulimia I have spent the past two years 'dieting' (900ish calories a day) heavily and exercising a lot for around 6 -8 weeks at a time followed by a complete crash and burn of 1-2 weeks where I eat whatever the hell I feel like and don't dare go anywhere near a gym. My weight soars and drops between about 105 and 122 pounds on a pretty regular basis and I am permanently obsessed by food, weight and fitness.

I'm on day 1 of getting back on track today and thinking that actually, maybe I shouldn't call 900-1000 calories being 'back on track', especially when I am burning calories at the gym as well. It has to be said I feel a huge amount better physically when I am not eating a lot that when I am but I guess I'd feel even better if I was somewhere in between. I'm not worried about starvation mode at all (my weight yo yos hugely so obviously I'm not in it) but I just so badly want to stick to a diet and not undo all my good work every 6-8 weeks.

But I have massive problems with moderation. I'm totally all or nothing. Today I've logged 1033 and am having a panic attack that I've gone over 1000. But when I'm not counting calories I'm probably well over 2000 and it doesn't stop me!!

There's no way I can eat 1500-2100 a day (depending on how much exercise I do that's what MFP recommend) but I NEED to start getting over 900ish or I'm going to carry on running out of steam aren't I!

I know it's a small goal but I'm going to start by aiming to eat 1100 (allowing for estimation error that should mean I am at least eating my 1200). I know I'm going to find the 4 figure calorie thing really hard though. I'm worried that as soon as my log goes over 999 I'll ust think fuc it and eat whatever the hell I like. But I'm only trying to up by 150-200 calories really. I have to do this but I'm really scared :(

Not sure of the point of that rant sorry. Just thinking aloud really.

Replies

  • ILiftHeavyAcrylics
    ILiftHeavyAcrylics Posts: 27,732 Member
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    Well congratulations for starting on your journey. Maybe find some foods that have good fats and protein but are still "healthy" in your mind-- like good peanut butter or avocados. One day at a time, for all of us. Good luck and kudos for not being afraid to post about your struggles here.
  • ashleypietz
    ashleypietz Posts: 87 Member
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    Good luck to you on your journey. I'm glad you are trying to get a handle on the yo-yo dieting and make a more sustainable future. I think at your weight a goal of 1100-1200 a day should be okay as you lose the extra weight. I hope all goes well for you and you are able to find a place weight wise and calories/day wise that makes you content and happy.
  • BigDaddyBRC
    BigDaddyBRC Posts: 2,395 Member
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    Great realization point for you. Now that you have recognized it, and have made a choice...ACT upon that choice for change. And always remind yourself that YOU are the one in control and You WILL achieve. No can's...You WILL.

    Dont shy away from trying new foods or new combinations.
  • christinad95
    christinad95 Posts: 201 Member
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    Honestly, if you are struggling with anorexia and bulemia my question to you is, have you looked for a professional to help you? Because truthfully your body should be taking in a minimum of 1200 a day and no more then 2000-2200. There is more to the facts of food then the calories. For example the nutrients your body needs to function correctly. There are lots of low-fat or zero fat food options out there that will help you stay within that calorie goal and help you to prevent from gaining weight, yet still give you the nutrients your body needs. I'm not trying to be hurtful, but it sounds like the help you need can't come from us, other then us encouraging you in your journey to a healthy lifestyle.
  • ncsubeachgirl
    ncsubeachgirl Posts: 97 Member
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    I was bulimic when in middle/high school and really killed myself. I guess I gained some self confidence after getting married because omg food is more delicious than it ever was and my body sure does show it!! I am myself trying to 'diet' without becoming bulemic again and I have been doing 1200 calories a day. When I feel craving I just make sure to stock my pantry with low calorie snacks like gummy bears and carrots. Then, I don't feel as guilty when I chow down. It's really all mental! Good luck too you and feel free to add me! More motivation makes it so much easier!
  • jellybaby84
    jellybaby84 Posts: 583 Member
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    Thanks for the suportive comments - I'll need to read them again in the morning to remind myself of the resolve!

    Christinad95 - It's ok, I'm nor anorexic or bulimic any more. I've just never managed to get out of the crappy eating habits and disordered mind set. I've been through treatment.

    beachgirl - good luck to you too!
  • christinad95
    christinad95 Posts: 201 Member
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    Thanks for the suportive comments - I'll need to read them again in the morning to remind myself of the resolve!

    Christinad95 - It's ok, I'm nor anorexic or bulimic any more. I've just never managed to get out of the crappy eating habits and disordered mind set. I've been through treatment.

    beachgirl - good luck to you too!

    Congratulations for overcoming that!! That is amazing!!! And kudo's to you girl!!!! That right there shows a tremendous amount of strength so I have no doubt you will be able to accomplish better eating habits. Great job girl!!:smile::flowerforyou:
  • sinclare
    sinclare Posts: 369 Member
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    I think this is a good realistic goal. Getting over the 1000 thing is a huge step.

    We have to take baby steps here, so we don't fall backwards or fall off the wagon.