GUYS: Moving in with your girlfriend?
Replies
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The most important thing is how you work through any issues when your daughter is around.0
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The baby is obviously the priority, and your lifestyle shouldn't be altered when he moves in. I do have to question the maturity of any guy who says he's committing to a serious relationship, but still expects to stay out late on a regular basis like a bachelor. That has disaster spelled all over it.
Of course I don't know you or him, and that may not be the case, but boyfriends come and go, and the well-being of your child is forever. I wish you the best. :flowerforyou:0 -
Having a child in the mix definitely intensifies the situation, but as stated, a built-in 'out' wouldn't be a bad idea.. Always good to do a trial run (30-90 day refund ring a bell?). Don't sign the lease together unless u think he is responsible enough to make a longterm commitment to u & ur daughter (he could totally screw ur credit if he bails). Sometimes things seem totally workable in convo/on paper, but when it comes down to it (especially for younger guys) some people just don't have the life experience or faith it takes to be selfless like that. Communicate clearly & best of luck!! 0
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I uprooted my life basically to come live with my SO, and while I told him not to change anything he did, he kind of has out of respect, though. He no longer stays up to 4 a.m., for instance. He doesn't play xbox NEARLY as much, though I told him I don't care if he does. There's little things that he doesn't do just because he knows it's easier for both of us. I think, if he's like my guy, he'll make little changes here and there to accommodate you and your toddler's schedule
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The baby is obviously the priority, and your lifestyle shouldn't be altered when he moves in. I do have to question the maturity of any guy who says he's committing to a serious relationship, but still expects to stay out late on a regular basis like a bachelor. That has disaster spelled all over it.
Of course I don't know you or him, and that may not be the case, but boyfriends come and go, and the well-being of your child is forever. I wish you the best. :flowerforyou:
eeeeeexactly. Hash out your wants and expectations now before you move ahead with this plan any more. For him.... this will be a complete lifestyle change. He may very well be up to it but he has no idea what IT is until you tell/show him. Your child doesnt need to get dragged into a potentially messy situation.0 -
I think it's very wise to rethink your moving in together. You can't change people.
ETA: I didn't want it to sound like I think you're trying to change him. It sounds like you have a realistic expectation that his life is going to change, and you're not sure he's ready for it. I think it's good to continue to date him while he matures and becomes ready for cohabitation with you and your daughter. But if you're hoping moving in together will stop him from staying out late, don't do this. It just doesn't work like that.0 -
If you've moved in with your girlfriend.... did it make you a better boyfriend? I'm starting to re-think the plans my boyfriend and I have of moving in together after the first of the year..... As of now he's soooo used to the bachelor living, being able to do whatever whenever... getting home at 330AM in the middle of the week... And well, I have a 3 year old, which requires a bit more of a structured lifestyle, so that really isn't going to fly with me. It doesn't bother me now because I don't have to deal with it at this time...
SO my question is, is it typical to "shape up" when you move in with your girlfriend? I've never lived with a boyfriend up to this point, so all I can do is hope.... haaaa BUT I don't want to get stuck. Fear of commitment maybe?? lol...
Opinions? Advice?
shouldnt you be talking to him about these things?
how are we meant to know if you having a 3 year old will stop him going out every night till 3am...0 -
Don't expect a man, or in fact ANYONE, to change just because their relationship status changes to cohabiting or married.
I'd advise sitting down and asking him what he's prepared to do to support (not financially) you, your child and your joint home. If you end up having the same responsibilities as when you were living alone and he does not want to change his lifestyle, you'll only end up resenting him.0 -
I moved in with my OH very quickly (after about 4 months!) and it took a fair bit of adjusting on both our parts.
As others say you cannot change someone's habits (4 years down the line my OH is still a complete night-owl and rarely goes to bed before Midnight!) but you must have some mutual agreements in place. For example if he stays up later he knows to keep thing quiet and not stomp around the house switching all the lights on - which he use to do eeeek!
Financially it is imperative you have a structure in place. Whatever you decide has to be fair and agreed by both parties.. but it should be 50/50.
On the rare occasion my OH has a super late night out (they are very rare these day LOL) he knows he will be sleeping on the sofa as to not wake me.
If you are having nay doubts though OP maybe wait a little longer. Your child comes first and if you think your BF is going to be disruptive to the household he really shouldn't move in just yet.0 -
Okay this is the way I see it.
I'm not a guy, and I'm not living with a guy. My advice comes from watching others in their relationships.
Relationships go from
Dating,
to
Spending most of our time together but not living together,
to
We might as well live together for time, energy and financial reasons
to
we have lived together for x years, or we want to have children together and so it's time we got engaged
to
Married
Often there is not that actual in depth review of the relationship, what works, what doesn't, how do we spend money, how will re raised our children, how or will we support our parents as they get older, what our expectations are.
Before you move in together go to couples counselling.
Learn how each of you deal with conflict really, how each of you operate really.
I mean you won't really learn before you move in, but you need to open your eyes to what is probably going to be a struggle in the relationship. Are you a saver/spender/live in debt person - do you need somebody to have control over purse strings.
Do your lifestyles work together?
To me it sounds like you shouldn't move in together - certainly before he has adjusted his lifestyle.
You know it, you even know that at the moment your lifestyles are not compatible.
. I don't really think you have commitment phobia.
It sounds more like you want to break up with him because you know it's not going to work out long term.
But you don't want to break up with him because you want to be in a happy family environment.
Good Luck with it.0 -
I've shaped up since moving in with the boyfriend (so the opposite of this thread). I'm a disgusting messy slob and he is an anal neat freak (actually, I assume he is quite normal to most people and their cleaning habits, but compared to me, anal neat freak). Every time my parents visit they thank him and ask how he did it because they couldn't get me to pick up my laundry in 18 years. I guess he nags more
It has stuck too, even when I visit my parents for an extended stay, I end up keeping tidy, doing the dishes and what not... all on my own
Scary times. 0 -
What's that old wives saying...
A woman thinks her man will change
A man thinks his woman won't change
Neither is Correct.0 -
How long have you been dating eachother is important ^^ I dated my ex less than 1 year when we moved in together, and it ended horribly.
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I think if you tell anyone they can't do something EVER AGAIN then you're just asking for trouble because that's the first thing the want to do!! Eating with MFP works the same way LOL.
The shoe was on the other foot with my guy and me. I moved in with him after 2 months of dating (first guy I've lived with and been together over 2 years now). I was the partier and he was the sensible cop. I'd often be out with friends drinking to all hours. There were no children involved so it was a little easier. He was very patient with me and 2 years later, my friends now call me nanna!!
Before you move in you probably need to think how much his lifestyle will REALLY affect you. I mean, if he goes out and comes home at 4am now, what harm is that? As long as he come home quietly, doesn't wake anyone and either sleeps on the couch or comes to bed quietly. As long as he tells you he's going out and that it will be a late one. It's about respect for others and good communication.
You could go mad thinking about all the POSSIBLE things that may or could go wrong. If you move in I can almost guarentee that some of them WILL happen (you live with them!!) but it's how things get dealt with that matters. If you don't give it a shot than where is it all going?
My experinces-
He plays too much XBox which drives me nuts. Told him. Now he plays when I'm not around or asks if it's ok when I am.
Late drunken nights out and snoring. Lol. He told me. I spend those nights in the spare room (which are few and far between these days!)
His raised angry voice and swearing at the footy. I told him. He watches it in the spare room or goes to the pub.
If something annoys you then tell him. Banning things will only set you guys up for more fighting and resentment.
Just my opinion
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I've cohabited several times. Nothing changes. In fact good and bad are both magnified.0
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I moved in with my OH very quickly (after about 4 months!) and it took a fair bit of adjusting on both our parts.
As others say you cannot change someone's habits (4 years down the line my OH is still a complete night-owl and rarely goes to bed before Midnight!) but you must have some mutual agreements in place. For example if he stays up later he knows to keep thing quiet and not stomp around the house switching all the lights on - which he use to do eeeek!
Financially it is imperative you have a structure in place. Whatever you decide has to be fair and agreed by both parties.. but it should be 50/50.
On the rare occasion my OH has a super late night out (they are very rare these day LOL) he knows he will be sleeping on the sofa as to not wake me.
If you are having nay doubts though OP maybe wait a little longer. Your child comes first and if you think your BF is going to be disruptive to the household he really shouldn't move in just yet.
I could have just done this ^^^ Lol.0 -
I agree with all this. I think it was touched on, but nothing drives me nuts more than talking in extremes.
You can never do this, ever again.
Big one was I was told I had to sell my car for a SUV, kid friendly thing.. that didn't happen.
I question why you want to move in too. Is it because you want to be with your bf, or you are looking for extra help with your kid? I don't men to be mean, but you have to answer a lot of this. I think guys do need some training. So you will have to deal with a lot of slip ups before it gets semi ok.0 -
Moving in with my ex of five years was the biggest mistake of my life. We became invisible to each other after a while, stopped looking forward to our 'dates'. A lot of expectations were built and met with disappointment. I know its different for everyone and hugely depends on how stable your relationship with your partner is. I think I was really naive. All I know is that I'll never live with another guy again! Would prefer them to live near me but not in the same house lol >_<0
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In my case it was flexibility on both our parts. You can't expect anyone to fully change their behavior overnight. Moving in together is a huge step, and you need to give each other time to adjust to your new living arrangement and accept your new responsibilities.0
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It depends on the couple. My fiance and I found, living with each other worked best when we did not expect tons more out of each other than roommates. Now don't get me confused, we love each other, he is there when I need him, we make important decisions together. But he doesn't need to tell me every minute action of his life. He will go out with his friends and come home late. I will have a group of friends over. We fill each other in mainly for the curtesy. I know a little bit more of his where-abouts than our roommate. I don't see why him coming home late is a problem, unless he comes home singing at the top of his lungs waking everyone in the house up. Ironically it made our nights together still special.
All this being said, we moved in together too fast. I came back from the Phillipines (Peace Corps, sent home for heatlh reasons) and my living options were NYC or Wisconsin with my parents. So we bit the bullet and decided if we crashed and burned we rather at least be in the same place. I think expecting someone to "shape up" by moving in won't work. Their life is still their life, even when they live with you.0
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