Hard to be motivated when Hubby isn't.

farfalledibaciodinotte

UGH I'm so frustrated. I've been doing great with my lifestyle change, making a huge effort to make this more than a "diet" but rather MY diet. I've lost almost 30 lbs and still going towards my goal of bing down to 120/125 in order to enter the military. I go to the gym everyday, and have only missed a week due to a hamstring injury.. but after that I got right back up on the horse.

My hubby is in the airforce, currently preparing to separate in the next couple of months due to a diagnosis of sleep apnea and high blood pressure and a heart murmor. When he first joined the USAF he weighed about 170, and was super athletic. He's basically given up on getting in shape even though the Dr.'s say most of his issues will go away if he were to just get back in shape.. He's up to 262lbs now and thinks that "working out is BORING" .

We got a gym membership in July and he hasn't been but 3 or 4 times.. now, granted it's really cheap (about $20 a month). I'm super frustrated because I've been eating completely healthy, and he just hasn't caught. Meal times are very difficult because although I'm a great cook, he would rather have greasy fast food, or going out to dinner.

I am just not sure what to do anymore.. If I suggest he go with me to the gym he says I'm nagging him, and he'd much rather sit at his computer playing video games.. He's addicted to WoW. He plays for 5+ hours a day and on the weekends he can play for ever. I worry he's going to develop circulation problems or a blood clot.

I try to make exercising fun, by taking the dogs to the park, or asking him to "help" me do my situps, pullups, and pushups by watching my form and stuff.. he's just not interested at all..

Somedays, he looks in the mirror and says OMG I'm fat, and he'll say "I have to go running, and get in shape" then an hour later he changes his mind.. UGH!!!!!

Am I wasting my time trying to motivate him? How do I give him a wake-up call without being mean, or coming off as superficial? He is my world, and I'm afraid that with the path he is on, he's going to pass well before his time.

did I mention he's 26? Every specialist we've seen says they don't see these issues in men his age..

What do I do??? I'm so frustrated.

Michelle

Heidi64

Had to respond...GADS!!! I FEEL YOUR pain!! Hubby joined MFP after I'd been on for a few weeks and the weight was dropping. He lost 24 pounds pretty quick and we were exercising regularly. Now he's quit. It's games on the computer, fast food, bringing pop and junk food home again. He's already got blockages in his arteries, snores me out of the bed every night, his eldest brother (overweight) just died. His middle brother (overweight) has diabetes and is in rehab for 8 strokes, his dad has had 2 heart attacks, mom and maternal granddad died of heart attacks. WHAT can I DO?!?!?!!?

DavyRockhit

sounds like he may be struggling with depression...? or maybe he does need a drastic wake up call...? My husband couldn't care less about his health either, but he joined roller derby and is becoming a ref and has lost 24pounds in just a few months. So motivation matters... Good luck, keep in touch many of us would care to see you through this and find out how things worked out... I will pray for you as well... God Bless

melsy78

I can't help but I know what that's like!
My husband has a lot more weight to lose than I do and I keep trying to motivate him but it never helps.
He has a gym membership but hasn't been in months, all I hear is "I'm going to start going again on .........(insert day here)" but it never happens. I tell him to have smaller portions and eat slower, he can always have more if he's still hungry afterwards. But then he gets snotty at me and tells me how the serving size is not going to fill him up.

Gah! It really annoys me because we have 3 little boys and i feel like he's being selfish. I don't want to be raising them on my own!!!

(so that's not helpful to you because I have no idea what to do either!)

hstallings13

sadly, there isnt' much you can do. It has to be his decision. Nagging only makes it worse, I know I tried it with mine. So now i'm just continuing to do what I need to do for me because I can't force him to make healthier choices or to work out, but I can for me. Now that changes are really starting to show on my body he's becoming more interested and it making more mentions about it. So I'm hoping that by me continuing down my road he'll eventually see the light and jump on board, and sadly, if not there isn't anything I can do cause he is grown and has to make the choice and realize what he needs to do for himself.

farfalledibaciodinotte

sounds like he may be struggling with depression...? or maybe he does need a drastic wake up call...? My husband couldn't care less about his health either, but he joined roller derby and is becoming a ref and has lost 24pounds in just a few months. So motivation matters... Good luck, keep in touch many of us would care to see you through this and find out how things worked out... I will pray for you as well... God Bless

Thanks so much! He doesn't seem to be depressed, if he is, he hides it well. He's not a guy that shares his feelings, and this thought brings another thing to mind.. if he's depressed, how do you help someone who doesn't know they're depressed???

Liopleurodon

WoW is a real killer for putting on weight. I suspect it's how I came to be the size I am - five years of sitting and staring at a computer for hours each day. It's very powerfully psychologically addictive and really tough not to spend every moment of free time on it. So I have a lot of sympathy for you guys and not much by way of advice. Quitting WoW was a really important step for me, but I would have seriously resented anyone else's attempts to make me do it.

snookumss

I know how it is guys

My boyfriend will go and work out sometimes, but he has WAY different goals then I! He has it in his head that he needs to be BIG to bench his goal of 1000lbs (yes, really 1k pounds). We are both powerlifters, he is the one who got me into it in the first place, but while I care about losing weight simultaneously, he really couldn't give a s***! He does get on the elliptical every once and a while, he promises he'll do the work but doesn't care about losing weight at all! He has Gout and he is only 31. He needs to eat better but that;s been taking a long time (recently I got him to start eating some salad here and there ).

I'd say take baby steps. Maybe find some sort of sport to do with them, then it benefits both of you and you may find something he enjoys! Even just bowling really does count!

farfalledibaciodinotte

WoW is a real killer for putting on weight. I suspect it's how I came to be the size I am - five years of sitting and staring at a computer for hours each day. It's very powerfully psychologically addictive and really tough not to spend every moment of free time on it. So I have a lot of sympathy for you guys and not much by way of advice. Quitting WoW was a really important step for me, but I would have seriously resented anyone else's attempts to make me do it.

it really doesn't help that he has a guild, and he feels that if he isn't online, then he's letting his guildies down, as if they rely on him.

Heidi64

You would think the health issues would be a wake up call and offer motivation, but nope, it doesn't. Telling them you want to grow old with them doesn't help either. Suggesting they may be depressed...well, that's a good way to get your head taken off. Bottom line...do this for yourself. That's what each of us have to do. Be a good example. That's the best you can do. Try not to enable. At least when we're together, I've had a little success steering him away from fast food. The process isn't easy. Be the best YOU can be and maybe he'll join you down the road. That is what I am hoping for.

goron59

Well it sounds like he has issues, possibly depression and needs to get help with that. Nagging him (his words) really won't help - in fact if anything it might make it worse.

Try not to think of it as him being lazy, or not caring. Unless of course he's just a lazy slob, but it doesn't sound like from what you've said

WoW is also highly addictive, maybe try to ween him onto something less destructive, like crack cocaine? [joking!!]

Hope you both find progress with this!

PegasusDeb

I agree with the post about depression. You can't MAKE them do something they don't want to do, but I would seriously consider counseling, or a doc appt to consider depression. We can definitely "hide" it, but he seems loud & clear on it! Maybe it's an issue where he doesn't want to see you go off. If he was formerly in shape, then there has got to be a reason for the shift in attitude. Good luck.

lucythinmint

Are we married to the same person?

My hubby had the WoW habit bad for a while, he finally had to give it up because his career blew up and he didn't have time for it anymore. He is a software engineer and also sits at his desk all day 10+ hours a day. He is 27, and used to be a Marine.

Sometimes he plays with his belly in the mirror and says that he needs to work out but then never goes. He sometimes complains about my running, because I run outside and I leave him with the littlest kid. I tell him to go, and he gives me every excuse in the book on whey he can't go. He too would also love to just eat out at a greasy fast food place all the time.

Maybe it's because I am pushy with some things and not with others. I don't ask him to workout with me, and I don't push him to do any physical activities. He used to exercise with me right after our littlest was born because I needed motivation. Once it became a full on habit for me that I didn't need help with, he stopped. If he is happy with his weight, so be it. Who am I to tell him to work out.

But, on the other hand, I flat out refuse to just let him eat whatever. I deny his fast food and limit it to 1 maybe 2 times a week and something kind of "healthy". I cook all the food, and I just switch out ingredients without telling him. What he doesn't know he can't b*tch about. I make veggies and put them on the plate even though he doesn't like them. Who knows, maybe one day he will eat them and love them. I also cook for my children so that is my excuse to tell him to "shut the hell up, you are not the only one eating and their health is more important than making your belly bigger." :bigsmile:

This will not work with all men. My hubs is a easy going guy who knows that I only try to do what is best to keep him around longer, I usually wear the pants and carry the wallet even though he bought the pants and fills the wallet. :happy:

Good Luck Do your thing, make you happy. That's all that matters.

Eleanorjanethinner

Hi there,

Yes, I have some similar issues with my husband. At least he's happy to eat healthy dinners with me and not eat out much. But he is in the 'obese' BMI and has been diagnosed depressed. I managed to get him to the Dr to get anti-depressants but haven't managed to convince him to do anything to improve the sources of his depression (like counselling, making changes in his life etc.).

I'd say that it's nearly impossible to movitate someone else. As mentioned, motivation needs to come from within and often in cases of addiction, people need to hit rock bottom (sometimes several times) before deciding to come up (and some don't come up).

I'd suggest looking into Psych central, for example: http://blogs.psychcentral.com/wellness/2011/10/depressed-or-unhappy/ They have quite a few articles for partners of those who might be depressed. Also, boundaries in relationships - http://blogs.psychcentral.com/wellness/2011/04/setting-boundaries-with-your-partner/

Good luck on your journey!

trud72

i don't know if your hubby is like mine but i used to say i will loose it this time i will loose it this time and do a week and thats it! spend loads of money on stupid diets like slim fasts and all that and just end up throwing it all away! :mad:
they must get a bit fed up with i if you look at thier point of view! so anyway i started looseing weight this time around again...and no he wasn't over supportive but after he could see the scales moving about 15/20lbs he got really supportive and is with me all the way.....:drinker:
even if he does still eat his apple turnovers in front of me! :explode:
so once you do acually start loosing he will come around to the idea :flowerforyou: good luck x
as for a wake up call for him you could TRY to SLOWLY change he diet if you do the cooking other than that you are on your own! you really can not force the issue at all!

BerryH

I was married to a WoW addict, and he decided to get me playing, so NEITHER of us left the house or got any exercise! I've since ditched both.

Any chance you could suggest non-gym exercise together, a nice long walk to a restaurant that serves healthy food, for instance? It would get him away from the PC too, and if it is depression related, that would definitely help.

stubbysticks

I can relate, though his level of motivation doesn't dictate mine. My reasons for getting healthy are very personal & have nothing to do with him; I'm doing this for ME. I don't push or try to con him in to eating healthy or going to the gym, but I don't ignore it either. I'll ask him "what's your gym schedule this week" & if I'm going grocery shopping I'll ask him what he wants, with the understanding that I'm not going to buy a bunch of crappy stuff.

Every once in a while I'll mention to him in more general terms that he needs to get back on track & he never takes offense because he knows my concern is his health (especially since he is much older than I am).

You can't make people change. People CAN change, but you can't force it. You can, however, inspire others to change. I make a point to share each & every health & weight-loss related success with him, mostly because he's my best friend, but also because I want him to see how great this makes me feel.

I'm not going to drag him along. But I can work on a nice juicy badonkadonk that he'll want to follow.

SueGeer

When we went grocery shopping yesterday, DH picked up (amongst other things): large apple pie; large chocolate fudge cake; individual choc sundaes.....on top of the lemon meringue pie; sundaes, sweets & biscuits he bought the day before. They're all sitting in the fridge waiting to be eaten.......then he tells me that it's my fault he's fat cos I prepare the meals! That's rich from a bloke who insisted in eating 4 vegetable spring rolls, 3 rashers of bacon and 3 fried eggs for dinner last night.....

He has a reasonably physical job & works regularly in the garden. Any spare time he has is spent in front of the PC playing Bejeweled.............

Yes, I like my treats & have had some REALLY bad days (see diary for proof if you dare!)....but I gym it once a week, try & walk at lunchtimes & play on my Wii Fit when I can. My evening snack (on good days) depends on how many calories I have left.

No - you can't change them if they don't want to change, but you don't HAVE to join them on that downward slope............

Sue x