Having a Horribe Day!

ellelit

Today is a bad day. I feel like I’m on the verge of tears, and I can’t dig myself out of the funk I’ve been in all day. I have suffered from depression for years, but I always get the same prescription: healthy diet and exercise will do the trick. Well it’s not like I want to go on any drugs or anything like that, but I really don’t know how to cope with things when my main coping mechanism is now gone. All of the usual advice: go for a walk, read a book, do something healthy, go to the gym, are not what I need. I feel so trapped and out of control, and I hate the fact that almost every second of my life is consumed by thoughts of food.

I have a lot of things in my life that cause me stress: never having any money, being $60,000 in debt from student loans, living in a questionable area in a slummy bachelor pad with drug addicts across the hall because it’s all I can afford, $700/ month student loan payments when I only make $1600 bucks a month, trying to control my eating and working at a soul-sucking job that I hate. Sometimes it’s just too much to bear, and I used to drown all of my stress with food. I would eat myself into oblivion to try to hide the pain, and to be quite honest, it worked… even though the problems never went away, I found I was far more able to cope with then when I had a stuffed tummy or I was shovelling it in. I’m probably not making a lot of sense, which is fine because I don’t even understand it a lot of the time, I think it’s really important for people to realize that this is NOT EASY.

I may have glossed over the urges I have or the struggles I have to keep my mind off of food, but seriously, I think about food constantly… what did I just eat, when can I eat again, why can I not binge, how badly I want to binge, how fat and disgusting I am and on and on… I hope I can just make it through today and carry on tomorrow.

ellelit

Today is a bad day. I feel like I’m on the verge of tears, and I can’t dig myself out of the funk I’ve been in all day. I have suffered from depression for years, but I always get the same prescription: healthy diet and exercise will do the trick. Well it’s not like I want to go on any drugs or anything like that, but I really don’t know how to cope with things when my main coping mechanism is now gone. All of the usual advice: go for a walk, read a book, do something healthy, go to the gym, are not what I need. I feel so trapped and out of control, and I hate the fact that almost every second of my life is consumed by thoughts of food.

I have a lot of things in my life that cause me stress: never having any money, being $60,000 in debt from student loans, living in a questionable area in a slummy bachelor pad with drug addicts across the hall because it’s all I can afford, $700/ month student loan payments when I only make $1600 bucks a month, trying to control my eating and working at a soul-sucking job that I hate. Sometimes it’s just too much to bear, and I used to drown all of my stress with food. I would eat myself into oblivion to try to hide the pain, and to be quite honest, it worked… even though the problems never went away, I found I was far more able to cope with then when I had a stuffed tummy or I was shovelling it in. I’m probably not making a lot of sense, which is fine because I don’t even understand it a lot of the time, I think it’s really important for people to realize that this is NOT EASY.

I may have glossed over the urges I have or the struggles I have to keep my mind off of food, but seriously, I think about food constantly… what did I just eat, when can I eat again, why can I not binge, how badly I want to binge, how fat and disgusting I am and on and on… I hope I can just make it through today and carry on tomorrow.

Hannah_Banana

Friends? I know new people keep my mind off of food. Also, if you go a'visiting to someone elses house, it isn't like you can just open their fridge and pig out.

This is coming from the girl who has no social life because she's too busy, but it sure sounds like a nice substitute for food to me! :flowerforyou: :bigsmile:

kerrilucko

This is just me, but a hot bubble bath always soothes me when I'm feeling depressed. Sometimes I just lie in there for hours and cry. It sounds really weird I guess, But it always helps me. Think of how lousy you'll feel affter a binge has ended, not about the fact that it may temporarily soothe how you feel at the moment. You really do need to find a replacment for that unnecessary eating. Maybe it will be calling someone to talk, or a hot cup of tea and your favourite movie. It has to be something though, SOMETHING will work. Until then, stay strong, 9 lbs down! :flowerforyou:

mrsbuzz

I don't really have the answers for you, but I want you to know that you are not alone. I too, feel better when I stuff myself. I am an emotional eater, but we have to fight this. Somehow, some way!! I think about food often and the same way you do. How much can I eat, how much do I need to work off what I just ate and the horrible feelin I get when I know I have ate way to much and the guilt is awful.

I wish I could tell you something that will help, but really all I can do is say you aren't alone. I am here if you want to talk or just chat. We can do this!!!:flowerforyou:

Jules

VballLeash

O my gosh! I just had to reply to this one because no one should feel that badly about themselves. I know that you probably have heard this but "everything is going to alright." It will get easier the long that you stick to it I promise, besides don't you feel better when you eat healthy? I know that I do, I feel disgusting if I eat something that I didn't wan to eat in the first place so just ahead to the future and how much better your GOING to feel, I promise you will! But for now just try to keep yourself busy, talk with friends and such. If your busy you won't have time to think about eating what you don't really want to. I know everyone tells you to exercise but it really will help, not just with the weight loss but how it makes you feel. Good luck, just remember you can do it! :happy: :happy: :happy: :happy:

~Leash

Caralyn

ellelit,

I feel real bad for you as I see you do have a lot of stress. Please remember that you are a unique person and no one could ever replace you. You sound like you have a lot to offer this world and I just know that you can get past this stage of your life and your life will be changed forever. Please know that we all care.......

Caralyn

weesel80

First off, you are not alone!! You are on an incredible journey that will ultimately save your life! It will be the hardest journey you have ever fought, but I am confident you will win!! Celebrate each day as it ends. For me, each day that goes by that I don't go through a drive through, or devour an entire bag of candy is outstanding to me. At my heaviest, I was 260 pounds! Even tho I have lost 90 pounds, there is not a day that goes by where I don't think about food. I want food that is bad for me every day, even though I have lost 90 pounds. What keeps me going is knowing how healthy I am right now and the fact that I worked DAMN hard and put so many hours of blood, sweat and tears into losing the weight, once I think like that, then I don't want to eat the food that is bad for me. This is a journey we will have to be on literally the rest of our lives. But it is well worth it! Keep it up and know we are all here for you! Message me anytime!!

AmandaJ

I am sorry that you are having such a hard time, Hugs! :flowerforyou:

AmyNVegas

I know what you mean, I was right there with you to the point that I justified my weight saying it was genetics and I couldn't lose weight. Food becomes a solace and really does cause a dopamine type of effect when we eat carb rich foods with refined sugars. They produce neurotransmissions equal to those of drugs like marijuana. We will go through a period of withdrawal from them. I have to save a snack for evening because I will need the carb then to get me through my usual binge time. I usually have a bowl of oatmeal with raisins and some almond milk or some other kind of high fiber cereal. That way I still get the feel good feeling but more gradual and not as dangerous to my blood sugar levels. I know for you it is worse because you have so many other problems right now, not just the sugar withdrawal, and for that I am sorry and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I can remember being just out of college and broke, no real paying job(it took me 2 years to get a job in my field because of my weight people wouldn't hire me) , I had just separated from my husband because he was cheating on me, and I was so out of control. I ate myself through it and got up to 535 pounds. I wish I had sought help from a support group instead. My family helped but they couldn't heal the inner turmoil, that was for me to sort through. It took me years and almost a hundred pounds to get through it. Please know that you are not alone. We are hear post when you need us! You will get through this!:flowerforyou:

Amy:bigsmile:

Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Food Diary

janiebeth

Hang in there Lyndsay.

You are down 9 pounds, so I know you know how this works. There are good days, bad days, horrid days, and fantastic days. This may be a bad one today, but tomorrow will be better.

I know you know this, but food is not the answer - it is the problem.. Damned food

Continue to take care of yourself - good days or bad days, and the bad days will be fewer and fewer.

We are all here for you, and we know you will win this...

janie

crystal_sapphire

is there anyway you can speak to a health professional? i started seeing an old psychiatrist again in relation to my binging.

mutkin

I'm so sorry to hear about your predicament. I can completely understand how you feel. It is hard to control eating habits when you feel like your whole life is out of control. So, my advice is to try and focus on changes that AREN'T weight related, while still trying to maintain a relatively healthy diet. For example, focus on finding your next job that you may enjoy more. Join a meet up (www.meetup.com) group of people who have similar interests (book club, walking club, scrabble club -I'm in one of those!) so you have something fun to look forward. Another suggestion is to volunteer at a soup kitchen. It's a real reminder that there are people who really need food in a way that we don't. For them it is a matter of survival, for us it can often be comfort.

Those are just a few ideas. Oh, and student loans can usually be put off for a period of time if you qualify for financial hardship.

Chin up. You're worth this!

msvallon

Hi elleit,

I am really sorry that you are feeling bad. I can REALLY sympathize with you. Starting with the student loans (I have about 26 thousand dollars in loans and 2 years left for a bachelors). I am majoring in social work, so I don't know how well I will be able to pay those loans off. I also LOVE to eat. As a matter of fact, I have not been doing so well with my healthy eating. However, I keep coming back to this site and logging in my food diary and blog. And you know what, it depresses me sometimes when I think of all of the delectable things I am passing up. Food has been more like a medicine in my life moreso than nourishment. I do not feel better eating healthy food. I am sure that I will if I keep doing it, but initially it stinks. On the otherhand, being 27 with high cholestorol and hypertension stinks even more. It's all journey and I have to brace myself for the ups and downs. If you ever want to message me, please feel free. I hope you feel better and please know there is someone else out there (specifically in Little Rock, AR) that is struggling and stressing just like you.

fishernd

I, too, think about eating all the time. Now that I'm using MFP I find myself glued to this website all the time! The weekends are truly the hardest as your normal "work" routine can be thrown off. To stop me from thinking about food and ultimately eating my way to happiness, I get myself out of the house and away from the fridge! Today, for example, I had to plow 4" of snow off my car! When I was done, I thought, well, I need to spend more time AWAY from the fridge, so I dug out 15 other cars in the parking lot! Not only did I get some exercise and fresh air (be it cold!), but I stopped thinking about food for 1.5 hrs, which is truly an accomplishment!

Take some time for yourself, away from the home, even if it's just 10 minutes listening to a few songs you like. This will help you regroup and stay focused on your goals.

Good luck!

justdoingit

I have been there too, and I also know what it's like to be stressed out, be hating your life, and to look at the clock and it is after 9pm and that icecream (or whatever)is calling out. Sometimes I ate it and others I stuck it out and didn't.

BUT-someone once told me something that changed my life; whatever you focus on is what tends to materialize. Try to focus on the good things in your life and where you want to be next year, or however long out. This really helped me in being able to cope with my bad living condition, etc. and if there is a low cost/free counceling/therapy program through the county where you live, you might want to take advantage of that resource.

Remember, you can do anything you set your mind to!!:happy:

daisy0107

I'm so sorry to hear about your bad day. I am to in the same boat. I have plenty of debt and an eating disorder. But if you think about it who isn't in debt. It's natural. When I'm feeling blue and out of control I usually watch a really funny movie. This keeps my mind off it for atleast a little bit. I hope tomorrow is better for you:smooched: :smooched: Take care of yourself!!!! Keep us posted.

ellelit

thanks for all of the support... it's just scary to think that there will always be scenarios and situations that will make me want to binge. it pisses me off and makes me sad. i'm working through it, and i'm not going to binge, but it still sucks.

AmyNVegas

Good for you and remember we are here! Come on here and type your binges away! :flowerforyou: <<HUGS>>

Amy:bigsmile:

Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Food Diary

lulubar

Ellelit love, there is nothing healthier than reaching out when you need help! Good for you for knowing that. I'm sorry you are going through so much right now Hang tight though, you are on the right path. Quitting anything that you believe comforts you is hard but I think trying to eat healthy is the hardest - ya know if you quit smoking, you NEVER pick up another cigarette (I did that 2 years ago); if you quit drinking, you NEVER pick up another drink - but you can't NOT pick up food:explode: We all must eat:ohwell: Stick with it though and eating healthy will get easier and easier - you can't look at it as depriving yourself - you have to look at it as pampering yourself. As for your student loan debt, been there:noway: It took my husband and I nearly 20 years to pay off student loans - UGGGHHHH. Early in our marriage though we went to a debt counselor who helped us get it reworked so we could better afford our monthly payments.... it's worth looking into or even call your lender directly....

Be strong, be at peace, love you for who you are today and look forward to getting to know the you you want to be

keiko

thanks for all of the support... it's just scary to think that there will always be scenarios and situations that will make me want to binge. it pisses me off and makes me sad. i'm working through it, and i'm not going to binge, but it still sucks.

Lindsay, I'm glad you came here to vent and to get some support. You're right there always will be things going on. You have what I believe is the hardest addiction to break. Drugs, alcohol are not things we need to survive. Food is. So you need to learn not only how to not turn to food for comfort but also to learn to eat it to survive. I do believe that you can do this. I also believe that you will help others overcome their addictions.
I hope you can find another job and then a different apt.
Kelly

briblue72

"living in a questionable area in a slummy bachelor pad with drug addicts across the hall"

An addiction is an addiction - whether it's to food, drugs, alcohol or cigarettes. I had bouts of depression when I was heavier and got so sick and tired of people telling me I'd feel better if I ate better and exercised. Instead, I smoked and binge ate and binge drank. It worked for a couple hours, but the truth is... losing weight and getting healthier really does make you feel better. I'm not perfect - not by any means - but I've been there. Deep down inside, I think everyone knows what it takes to be healthier. It's just finding the strength and willpower to do it. And one person alone can't make it happen - you have to have a support network.

Your student loan payments are astounding! I'm not familiar with how it works in Canada, but here in the US you can defer your payments if you can show you are under a certain line of poverty. Instead of getting a whole new job, have you considered trying to move up with your current employer? How long have you been there? Have you been making the same salary for years? Perhaps you could talk to your boss about a raise - or ask for more responsibilities or openings within the company... I'm super unhappy in my current job, but things are so bad in the job market (yes, even for teachers!) right now that I'm working my butt off and trying my hardest to keep my boss happy just so I don't get "pink slipped" at the end of the year.

One more idea - - do you have a pet? Maybe you should get one - they offer lots of love, entertainment, and opportunities for exercise! Nothing beats Fuzz Therapy!!

kellya

Hi Lindsay ~

Are you having a better day? SO much of what you said rings true with me as well. I just want to say that you are going to be ok, and it's ok to cry as well, why hold your feelings in? Face them.

I have a long history of major depression. After a crisis a couple of years ago, I finally found a medication that is working, so-so. I have tried so many, and most had side affects that were unliveable. I can say the nonstop sobbing events are over, and yeah I still have depression. BUT, I have my life to live, and one day at a time seems to be more manageable.

Food is on my mind 24/7. I am obsessed and out of control a lot of the time. Addict or binger?Probably both. I am home alone during the day between my bus routes, so I MUST keep busy. I eat secretly, and huge amounts of food. Absolutely unhealthy. I have eaten so much at times I want to vomit. My belly becomes so bloated it hurts and I wish I could just 'pop' it like a balloon. Anything to feel better.

It's so true when they say facing a favorite food/trigger food...."the taste lasts only a moment, but the benefits of eating healthy are lifelong". Try not to stress about slip ups. Simply get back to your plan and move ahead. When I eat out of control, I am not hungry. I'm either lonely, sad, bored. I am searching...and eating will not satisfy ANY of those emotions. Come here for support, call someone, go for a drive...do something, anything.

If you stop and think about it, eating healthy and exercising regularly are easy. You don't have to join a wt loss program or a gym. You have the tools here on MFP and in your home. Look at it this way....all I have to do is lose wt. What about the people who are trying to beat cancer?

I think if you look at your profile page, it will motivate you. Print it off and put it where you can see it. Write down the pros vs. cons to a healthier lifestyle. You seem to be in the right mind set, just having a bad day...and that's ok. Try to stay positive about all aspects of your life. Don't dwell on the negative. If you need help, seek a good counselor, and don't stop til you find one.

I know you can do this. You are already down 9 lbs. Focus on YOU and every day remember WHY?

Take care and let us know how you are doing!! We are all here for YOU!!
[hugs] - Kelly