is this the right thing to do?

babyblake11

sorry this isnt about nutrition or exercise but i really need some opinions here. so me and my partner have been together for about two years and we have a beautiful daughter that is 5 months old. hes always been a bit controlling and mean to me sometimes, but it was always outweighed by how nice he was the rest of the time. i love him, but lately he has been so disrespectful to me, and i havnt seen the nice him in a while. he will tell me to do things, and says that if i dont he will 'throw my food on the ground so ive got more to clean up' or 'make me sleep outside'. he says these things all the time and orders me around so much, then if i try to stand up for myself he will tell me to 'shut the **** up, my house my rules listen to me or ill deck you' and its just horrible, and ive finally decided ive got to leave him, as much as i wanted to stay a family for my daughter, i dont deserve this. i will ask him to feed her or change her nappy and he will tell me 'no thats your responsibility' as he is sitting his *kitten* on the couch. so im going to start looking for a place and buy some furniture without him knowing, then im going to take the baby and leave, is this the right thing to do?

kc0kiu

yes, break it off before it turns physical.

LauraMacNCheese

You do NOT deserve to be treated like this...Get out before it gets physically violent.

Kelly_Wilson1990

I would. It will only get worse. What is that teaching your daughter? It is okay for a man to treat a woman with disrespect and threats. What if he were to actually hit you? Your daughter will learn that it is okay to be abused. You need to get out before it gets worse.

sc1572

Get out. Tell a close family or friend who can help you. Take care of yourself and your baby!

kr3851

You know in your heart what the right thing for you and your daughter is. You both deserve to be in a loving, stable home - so if that's not what you have now, you need to find it.

tracielinn

Do you have another place to go temporarily until you can save up money? I had a similar situation with my ex-husband. I ended up leaving him and moved back in with my folks. I had to block him from my bank account so that he couldn't use it on drugs and alcohol.

You need to get out as soon as you can. There are safe houses everywhere for women in your situation if you can't stay at family or friend's houses.

auntied

pack your bag and run. I was in a realationship for 5 years like that. It does not get better. Good Luck! and God Bless

jamk1446

Wow, no you don't deserve that. Nor does your daughter deserve to grow up seeing her mother treated that way or be treated that way herself. It may feel like you are breaking up your child's family, but getting into a healthier, happier, more functional environment will better show her how family should be. Get out and good luck.

Deckershann

Verbal abuse is still abuse and is almost always the step before physical abuse.

BeautyFromPain

Babe, I'm so sorry. This is gonna be hard but you need to get out of there before he hurts you and your beautiful daughter!

babyblake11

thanks guys, its so hard though im still in love with the guy that he can be, but not the guy he is...

nellie_88

Leave! if not for yourself do it for your daughter, no one deserves to get treated that way and as your daughter gets older she should not have to see you be treated that way either!

Carl01

Okay if this is where you are at now then it is time to seek personal counseling and a safe haven.
It is too far down the road where a promise from him to try to do better will work out.
Get familiar with state or local agencies,talk to family if around there and or seek out spiritual guidance if you are so inclined.
A physical threat to you is not a matter to be taken lightly.

Ladies reading this that are in the lead up to the situation described read this line from her op.

"hes always been a bit controlling and mean to me sometimes, but it was always outweighed by how nice he was the rest of the time. i love him".

You can`t imagine how often I have heard this said or seen it written and it never,ever gets better.
It always gets worse.
I am not talking about getting into an argument and people getting mad but if a guy is mean at any time he is not worth having around no matter how charming or exciting he may be other times.
He will always return to what gives him security and it is at your expense.
"

surfrgrl1

Be very careful, and get out of there as fast as you can.

LauraMacNCheese

thanks guys, its so hard though im still in love with the guy that he can be, but not the guy he is...

It is hard...I've been in a similar situation. Thankfully I got out before it got physical; but the mental & emotional damage was severe. A broken heart is easier to heal than a broken spirit or broken body. For the safety of both you & your daughter, get out before it escalates further than it already has.

livebelieving

Yes, yes, yes. It is the hardest thing to do, but this is abuse. Abuse is not acceptable behaviour. You do not want your child growing up with abuse. Leave!

fridayjustleft04

Totally the right thing to do! You don't deserve it and you don't want your daughter growing up thinking it's okay to be treated that way. Your life will be much healthier by leaving and your daughter's future relationships will be, as well. Be strong; it sucks, I know it does, but imagine how much worse it'll be if you stayed.

JennsLosing

You do NOT deserve to be treated like this...Get out before it gets physically violent.

yup. this all the way

jamiesadler

Absolutely. That is not a good place for your daughter to be either. As she grows up you will be teaching her that this is how a man is supposed to treat a woman. Get out while you can. No one deserves to be treated like that. Good luck!

livebelieving

You can't change him to the guy you think he can be. He is the guy he is. Full stop. Sorry, but I am talking from experience!!! Go and find someone who deserves your love.

SueInAz

Wow, it sounds like your relationship is definitely on the slippery slope of abuse. Right now it's verbal and emotional, but he's threatening violence and soon he'll probably carry that out, and not just on you, but on your daughter, too.

Instead of waiting to find a place on your own, find a women's shelter in your area and get out now. The problem with this kind of man is that he views you as his property and it's his right to treat you how he wishes, including hurting you and forcing you to return to him. You can't, under any circumstances, let him know that you're planning to leave. You need to go some place where he can't find you. My aunt used to run a shelter in our town and they will give you a place to stay, help with clothes for you and your child (and some women DO need to get out so fast they have nothing but what's on their backs), help you find a job (if needed) until you can get your life back on track.

I hope everything turns out well for you. Keep us posted if you can.

ETA: The problem is you're now seeing the guy he really is. He was nice while the relationship was new and he was trapping you into it. He's now showing his true self and you can't love a man who treats you like nothing. He has no respect for you as a person and I highly doubt he loves you in the traditional sense.

kr3851

thanks guys, its so hard though im still in love with the guy that he can be, but not the guy he is...

It's okay to love the man you want him to be - he gave you your beautiful little girl. But the man he IS is making you feel unhappy and unsafe. And that's not okay.

sunkisses

Yeah, if you stick around for that, imagine the life your daughter is going to have. Imagine the partners she'll choose in the future if you establish this as "the norm". Usually when a guy thinks his girl is serious about leaving, he will suddenly become the guy you hoped he'd be. I'd seriously recommend not going back when he does this. Just keep it movin'. If he straightens out later somehow, great. But you know no one changes "just" for you or because of something you said. Most people need a wake-up call or a traumatic event to bring about change in their lives.

eillamarie

This is called an abusive relationship, emotionally and verbally. He's on a power surge. Walk away & seek protection of the police if necessary, especially since you have a child together.

*hugs*

Bahet

1st, get out before he does get violent. Ask a friend or family member for help. WHat he's doing is abusive. Abuse doen't just mean physical.

hes always been a bit controlling and mean to me sometimes, but it was always outweighed by how nice he was the rest of the time.

This part really struck me. No one should deal with a relationship where you have to justify it by saying that the nice outweighs the mean and controlling. It's one thing for good times to outweigh the bad but mean and controlling is NOT love and cannot be outweighed by anything.

I've been married for 18 years. We've been together for 22 years. One time early in our marriage we got into an argument. He threw up his hand in an "I give up" sort of manner. I flinched. That ended the argument right the and there. My flinch at his hand flying up crushed him. It was just an instinctive move on my part. I knew he would never hit me. I wouldn't have married him if I thought that was ever a possiblity. He cried, apologized, and hugged me.

In 22 years he has never said "No that's your job in regards to caring for our children. You didn't make that baby yourself. Caring for and raising her should be both parents job and responsibility. Hubby has also never said he'd make a mess bigger so I'd have more to clean (although puttin his socks in the hamper is apparently beyond his capabilities. :laugh: ) or said that he'd kick me out. Those aren't things that are done in a loving, functional relationship.

Your daughter will grow up with your relationships as an example of what love is all about. If you show her that "the good outweighs the mean and controlling" you will be setting her up to be in an abusive relationship in the future. Please, break this cycle before it affects her.

nelson6500

Wow, almost seems like I wrote this.....

I have been in the same situation for 26 years. It has never been physical only emotional. Until about 3 years ago I would just sit back and take it now I don't. I am a stronger person for it. I wish I had gotten out a long time ago now that I see the effect that it has had on my children. So often we forget that just because he doesn't hit you doesn't mean it is right.

Find someone to talk to or go to a local women's center, church or hospital and get help.

Tennessee2019

I've been there (first marriage) & it usually only gets worse from there. You are only risking your life & the life of your baby if you stay, so you need to get out while you can & take your baby with you. In this day & age, there are enough places to go to be safe & enough legal routes to take to make sure that both of you stay safe. :flowerforyou:
Hopefully, you have kept a diary or taken notes of when these things happened, what brought them on & what happened (throwing food, etc.,) because that will only strengthen your case if it comes to a custody battle for your baby.

suechristian65

I've been in this situation myself.
Staying together as a "family" is only teaching your child that mental abuse is acceptable.
Get out now & don't look back.
He will try to guilt you into coming back - even threaten to hurt you or himself - ignore him.
This is a weak man with no spine & no balls.
Get in touch with a local group that can offer more help & support, usually it will be women who have been though this too.
These men are "textbook" - I'm betting you hear "no-one else would want you", "you can't do anything right" & "you'd be nothing without me".
When I left I was terrified - now I don't even have to say a word to my X - I just quietly smile he knows that I can survive quite happily without him. He is now mentally abusive & physically violent towards someone else - he can no longer get a fearful reaction from me so I am no fun for him anymore!
Good luck - my thoughts are with you. X

lizmaebar

that is ABSOLUTELY the right thing to do. He is showing typical abusive behaviors. Its the cycle. they're nice, mean, apologetic, nice then mean again. and as the cycle continues it gets worse! if you need help, I am sure there are local charities or organizations that can help you. What state are you in? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE message me if you need help. Your daughter needs a safe happy environment more than an environment with a typical family structure. A situation like this just makes a breeding ground for a sad, hard, and traumatic life for your baby. believe me, I know from experience.

FifiLea

thanks guys, its so hard though im still in love with the guy that he can be, but not the guy he is...

I understand how you feel (personal experience) but maybe try to think about it like this..? You can't help how you feel or who you love, but you can help what you do about it. No one says you have to stop loving him instantly, just do your very best so that he can't hurt you and can't hurt your baby.

He doesn't hit you because he can control you, at the moment, without physical violence. But it's very likely that he will get worse. Be as brave as you can and get away from him.