Fitness, eating and moving on from an ED

bookdame

Hi All,

I keep reading articles that say I should find an online support group to discuss my goals, so here I am.

Where I am coming from:
Two years ago I was in the thick of an eating disorder. I lost 20 pounds exercising 2 times a day (at least), in college, eating obsessively clean, dealing with a breakup and perfectionism. I went to Berkeley, so I feel I was dealing with the same obsession so many other super accomplished women go through. I had been trying to lose some weight (5-10 pounds at most), but I continued to exercise a ton and control calorie intake. Seeing the scale drop and drop gave me the sense of control I was looking for at the time.

But after I graduated, I didn't have the 2 exercise classes a day and started putting the weight back on. I couldn't find a job and started dealing with the surfacing relationship issues I buried.

I have since gained about 30 pounds. I am now between 140-145 at 5'3" and happy to say I'm over the above issues. I don't want to be skinny, tired, with cold dry skin and antisocial tendencies. I like cooking with others, cycling, I have a job, an apartment and a very loving supportive boyfriend. I am so glad I am not in that dark place any more, but I still know that I am unhappy at my weight. I know starving myself would get my weight down but its not even an option. First and formost I want to be healthy and enjoy my life.

I have been a cyclist for 4 years now so I have good cardiovascular endurance and picked up running very recently. I started running about 4 miles every other day, for about 2 weeks, and this past Sunday went running in the park with a friend but my knee started to hurt and by the end of the run, I was limping home. I have been icing it for 2 days and I'm still limping. I guess I overdid it!

I have also been trying to log calories the past month or so, but no matter what I tend to eat to maintenance. In the evenings I tend to snack. If I have eaten all my calories for the day, I start to feel like I am depriving myself... so I'll go to the kitchen and grap a few dates, then its a few crackers, a hot cocoa, then before you know it I've eaten another 500 calories...whether I work out or not, I'll always hit or go over maintenance.

I reduced my deficit from -1 pound a week to -0.5 pound per week to see if maybe a gradual loss would help. Unfortunately with the knee injury, I'm not exercising and still hungry. During the day I usually eat pretty healthy - scrambled eggs/veggies/cheese breakfast, coffee, a fruit for a snack, lunch is either a sandwich with protein/veggies and an iced tea or a trader joe's salad lite on the dressing, then after work I'll have another snack (nuts, cheese, grapes, or a clif bar) and then I'll make dinner (salmon, veggies, rice or another sandwich, etc). By that time I'm usually at my calorie total and start to snack... chocolate, dates, cheese, cereal, fat free frozen yogurt, ginger chew candies.... I tend to drink hot cocoa every evening because its relaxing, I can make it pretty low cal and it satisfies my craving for chocolate/sugar, and makes me feel a little fuller.

What I'd like is to drop a pants size. I'm 26 now and I don't want to be totally slim like before. I don't need to be 112. What I'd like is to see myself at the weight I started at before all the dieting and overexercising. 127-130 would be a happy, healthy weight for me. Usually I do a spin class, go for a 3 mile run/2 mile walk. Considering the injury I think running is out for a while, but I could do elliptical and spin still. I know I need to add weight training in, but how can I cut calories without feeling deprived at night, obsessing, and feeling defeated as my weight doesn't seem to change? I've been at it for a while now trying to count calories but I'm always back at square one....

Thanks for listening! I'm ready to do this and would love to meet people and find support.
bookdame-

bookdame

Posting this helped me. At least if I log what i eat and admit what I am going through, I can probably move forward somehow.

I just did some leg strengthening exercises for my knee. I don't have insurance so I am going to just try to rehabilitate at home.

Hopefully I can get out of the house tomorrow and be active. Being at home with a bum knee is so boring.


I'm still a little frustrated with the lack of self-control but I'm going to stick with it and try to re-gain the control but with peace and not self-punishment.

SanFranRunner

HI Bookdame!

Your story sounds just like mine. I am also in the bay area, and have a similar overachieving personality. I had an eating disorder back in high school (anorexia) and after lots of treatment I was able to overcome it.

However, I still deal with body image issues (I don't want to be super skinny again, just healthy) and eating issues (I tend to overeat when I'm sad/stressed/bored). I, too, am trying to get over this lack of self control with "peace and not self-punishment." I joined this site hoping that I could keep myself accountable and lose the five pounds I've gained recently due to overeating.

I don't have any words of wisdom to share with you, but just wanted to say that I'm right there with you! I think that by admitting our struggles here, we can start to overcome these issues and live the happy, healthy lives we want!

VeganInTraining

I'm glad you got relief just from posting! Welcome to MFP and I hope you find it helps. I'm originally from Sacramento and would LOVE to finish my degree at Berkley! I am finding myself currently in the position it sounds like you found yourself in a few years ago. I looked in the mirror this weekend and was like "woah, people weren't lying when they said I'm getting too skinny (about 5 pounds ago)" Luckily I realized it, and I'm hoping that I'll be able to log less obcessively and mantain without freaking out if I gain a pound or two. good luck with everything

dansing83

It's good that you're taking it easy. Perhaps if you upped your fiber intake? I find eating high fiber foods really helps to fill me up. I like Gnu bars; very healthy ingredients with 12 grams of fiber, and Kashi high-fiber cereals. I mix them into Greek yogurt, yum!!

As far as the knee goes, as a former athlete with a few lingering issues; knees and feet, ice is my best friend. When something starts to hurt I throw on the ice for 20 min 2 to 4 times a day. It really helps. Also, bicycling is a demanding but much more gentle sport (just be careful of the cars and wear a helmet.

But mostly, I would say, keep on top of your thoughts and feelings around your weight and who you are. It does take time for us to stop equating thiness with success and worthiness. So be altert, catch those negative thoughts when they start and substitue them for more healthy thoughts, like what an awesome life you have right now, at this weight. You are healthy, your body works (for the most part). You have love and joy in your life. All these things are priceless, and not dependent on weight.

sofaking6

Congrats on your improved health and graduation from an excellent school

I expect you'll get some good responses because I think a lot of people have evening munchies. I think step one would be to replace those snack foods with healthier items..i.e. instead of chocolate, cheese and cereal, try grapes, raisins and pumpkin seeds. Instead of hot cocoa, try tea. At least that way you can minimize the guilt and potential ED triggers. Good luck!!

Oh I just thought of this, a friend told me that taking a short walk after dinner can help your mind delineate "still awake want snacks" time from "ok day is done relax" time. I haven't tried it yet but I keep planning to

bookdame

I like the idea of the after dinner walk! When I was traveling, I did this and it helped settle my meal.

What I need is after dinner activities that get my mind off of snacking.

Thank you!

cheryl330

Hi, I'm new to the site but have been using the app since March. It's great that you are being realistic with your goals. I am in the midst of struggling with an ED myself and it's just exhausting. I tore my knee 2 years ago and had to have surgery. Be careful, you don't want to make matters worse. I think spinning and elliptical are the best bets. I tend to do those 2 things most for fear of reinjury. Good luck!

theginnyray

Hi! Welcome to MFP! Thanx for posting your story, it was a good read (glad to hear you are out of your dark place!) and I just wanted to say that I feel you on the evening snacking!
I've upped my calories to about 1400, rather than 1200, and that has helped me. I also try to keep busy after dinner, and chug as much water as I can. Some nights it helps to eat a little bit later too (say in the 6pm hour, rather than the 5pm). There are also some foods I just can't/shouldn't keep in my house, and that's a work in progress.
So again, Welcome! And feel free to add me as a friend if you'd like!