Things parents say that cause eating problems
Silverkittycat
Posts: 1,997 Member
I'm not a parent but I liked this article. 
Things Parents And Grandparents Say That Can Cause Eating & Weight Problems
Article Date: 12 May 2011 - 8:00 PDT
Parents can sometimes forget that they are raising adults, not children. The goal is to equip kids with the skills and increasing responsibility for managing their lives without constant vigilance, according to Michelle May, M.D., author, board-certified family physician, and expert for TOPS Club, Inc. (Take Off Pounds Sensibly), the nonprofit weight-loss support organization.
One key life skill is the ability to navigate an abundant food environment while maintaining optimal health. Here are seven things that well-meaning parents commonly say that may have unintended consequences - and what to say instead:
1. You are such a good eater! - Children want nothing more than to please their parents. While mealtime should be a pleasant time to connect with your children, eating should remain intrinsically driven to meet your child's fuel needs, NOT to earn your praise.
What you could say instead: You must have been really hungry today! Or, I love spending time with you while we have dinner.
2. You are such a picky eater! - All children (and adults) have some foods that they just don't like. Some children are highly taste and/or texture sensitive, but most will outgrow it. Picky eating becomes an entrenched behavior when we berate, beg, bribe - or worse, feed kids only what they say they'll eat.
What you could say instead: I know you didn't like it last time; tell me what you think about it today after you have one polite bite. Or, Did you know your taste buds grow up just like you do? I wonder if you like this big kid food yet?
3. Clean your plate; there are starving children in . - Avoid teaching children scarcity eating behaviors in our plentiful food environment.
What you could say instead: It's important to not be wasteful, so please only take as much as you think you need. Or, If you're full, we can save the rest for later.
4. You have to eat all your vegetables or there will be no dessert. - Kids are smart. When you bribe them for eating certain foods, they quickly realize that those foods must be yucky and that dessert is the reward. They also learn to hold out until a reward is offered.
What you could say instead: I love all kinds of different foods - some that make me healthy and strong and some that are just for fun. What kinds of foods do you like? Or, Enjoy your dinner. We'll be having dessert in a couple hours.
5. Eat all your dinner or you don't get dessert. - This variation on the threat above translates to "you must overeat and I will reward you by giving you more to eat!" Children naturally love sweet foods, so they can learn to override their fullness signals. As an adult, they might be temped to order a 1,200-calorie salad to "earn" a 1,200-calorie piece of cheesecake.
What you could say instead: Save room for dessert tonight!
6. I was so bad at lunch today! Now I have to spend an extra hour on the treadmill. - Children are born to move. They naturally love exploring their environment, challenging themselves, and playing actively. Unfortunately, the messages they get from adults teach them that exercise is punishment for eating.
What you could say instead: I ate more than I needed and now I feel too full and uncomfortable. I think a walk would make me feel better. Want to join me? Or, anybody up for a bike ride?
7. I am so gross and fat! Or, I can't believe has let herself go! - Kids learn from us even when we think they aren't listening. Statements like this teach kids that it's okay to put yourself and others down and judge people for their weight or other physical attributes. Perhaps they also secretly wonder what you really think about them.
What you could say instead: I'm not perfect, but I do my best to make healthy choices.
And whatever else you say, remember to say often... I love you just the way you are.
Source:
TOPS Club Inc. (Take Off Pounds Sensibly)
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Replies
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I've gotten them ALL!!!!0
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No wonder I was fat little kid... THANKS MOM
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I have read that before!.. and i belong to TOPS it's great!0
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I love this article!!!
Some are natural...but others I wouldn't have thought of (like the eat all your vegetables ones!) Great post.0 -
I've gotten them all too >.<0
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We totally do the eat or don't get desert thing (not ALL their dinner, but a reasonable amount). I know it's bad but my kids won't eat, especially the under weight one. I don't think she has the attention span for it.0
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My husband was home yesterday and made my 2 year old eat a chicken nuggest before she could have applesauce. I usually just give her what she wants, but I should start having her try things before she can refuse it.0
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bump!0
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Or how about- you need to get out and start exercising, you should not be wearing adult size clothing at your age. Or, I work very hard to with my trainer to be thin, you are always going to be fat if you don't start working on it now (age 13). Or, no you cannot wear my shirts. I know they are the same size as you wear but your belly is bigger than mine and I don't want you stretching it out.
Gotta love mothers.0 -
I really can't remember if my parents said any of them, but I'm thinking I must have heard the "eat your veggies" one. As soon as I was given an allowance I spent it on candy or cans of Betty Crocker frosting. :laugh:
Rachel, I was sort of like that as a child. I always wanted to go play rather than eat. Or so I've been told.
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This is really good!
I remember getting all of these, and then when I did become an overweight pre-teen I got "you shouldn't eat so much, you're getting too big" Uhmm... But I was just encouraged to eat everything on my plate last year or I wasn't leaving the table. Oh how it changes!
I really try and let my daughter express when she's full and listen to her. Sometimes she will have two bites and say that she's full though - which there is just no way. It's a hard situation sometimes - dealing with children and eating.0 -
Ha, I like that one.I wonder if you like this big kid food yet?0 -
I heard the first one to me personally, by my entire dad's side of the family. We are Sicilian, Spain-ish and Brazilian on my dad's side (with Irish, Czech, Ukrainian, Austrian and a bunch of other cultures/nationalities on my moms side)... but my dad's side of the family is where I have family (my moms parents have both passed and she only has one sister who lives far away, I haven't seen her in years) and at my home my parents would always praise how good of an eater I was, so would my grandparents when we went over there. At the same time, I heard number two, three and number four a lot- but directed at my brother (and later at my baby sister, too- oddly enough they both take more after my mom's family than my dad's). I always have always been outgoing when it comes to food (I love fruits, veggies, seafood, shellfish, poultry, pork, beef, breads, pasta, tortillas, rice, candy, pastries, baked goods.... you name it and I probably like it) because I like to broaden my horizons and I have to admit, I like when my family's attention is on me- the good eater but I could see how #1 is true. I feel like my grandparent's families would've praised them for eating and I know my father's did and I see the issues that they have with weight... That's one family legacy I'd rather not pass on, so even though I don't have kids (or plan on having them at any point soon) it's good to read that, now I know.
Number five kinda hits home too.. not because I heard it often (though I did, directed mostly @ my siblings- occasionally me if I was procrastinating so I didn't have to do homework lol) but because of this part "translates to "you must overeat and I will reward you by giving you more to eat!""- Whenever we went to my grandparents house, or the houses of any of my three uncles- we ate. From the moment you walk in the door to the moment you walk out, you are eating. Almost every memory I have of visiting my dad's family is tailgated by the memory of an awful stomachache from eating too much.
This shouldn't just be titled "Things Parents And Grandparents Say That Can Cause Eating & Weight Problems" because a lot of people influence a child's life when they are young.. Including teacher's, care givers and friends. My family doesn't exercise and the only one who watches what she eats is my mother because she has diabetes (so do my grandparents but they are really bad listeners) but never have I heard her (or anyone in my family) say number 6 or the first part of 7. I heard those things from friends, baby sitters and yes even school teachers. The "I can't believe so-and-so has let herself go" is something I heard from my mom and grandmother when talking about other women and a lot of the time I found myself wondering why? Most of the women were still (at least) pretty.. now I find myself saying things like number six and (yes, all of) number seven. The second part of number seven is something so ingrained in me that I have never realized I was doing it until my fiancee pointed it out to me... I was surprised. I had no real clue how mean, insecure and catty I sounded until he said so. Yikes. Talk about an eye opener.0 -
I'm not a parent but I liked this article.Things Parents And Grandparents Say That Can Cause Eating & Weight Problems
Article Date: 12 May 2011 - 8:00 PDT
Parents can sometimes forget that they are raising adults, not children. The goal is to equip kids with the skills and increasing responsibility for managing their lives without constant vigilance, according to Michelle May, M.D., author, board-certified family physician, and expert for TOPS Club, Inc. (Take Off Pounds Sensibly), the nonprofit weight-loss support organization.
One key life skill is the ability to navigate an abundant food environment while maintaining optimal health. Here are seven things that well-meaning parents commonly say that may have unintended consequences - and what to say instead:
1. You are such a good eater! - Children want nothing more than to please their parents. While mealtime should be a pleasant time to connect with your children, eating should remain intrinsically driven to meet your child's fuel needs, NOT to earn your praise.
What you could say instead: You must have been really hungry today! Or, I love spending time with you while we have dinner.
2. You are such a picky eater! - All children (and adults) have some foods that they just don't like. Some children are highly taste and/or texture sensitive, but most will outgrow it. Picky eating becomes an entrenched behavior when we berate, beg, bribe - or worse, feed kids only what they say they'll eat.
What you could say instead: I know you didn't like it last time; tell me what you think about it today after you have one polite bite. Or, Did you know your taste buds grow up just like you do? I wonder if you like this big kid food yet?
3. Clean your plate; there are starving children in . - Avoid teaching children scarcity eating behaviors in our plentiful food environment.
What you could say instead: It's important to not be wasteful, so please only take as much as you think you need. Or, If you're full, we can save the rest for later.
4. You have to eat all your vegetables or there will be no dessert. - Kids are smart. When you bribe them for eating certain foods, they quickly realize that those foods must be yucky and that dessert is the reward. They also learn to hold out until a reward is offered.
What you could say instead: I love all kinds of different foods - some that make me healthy and strong and some that are just for fun. What kinds of foods do you like? Or, Enjoy your dinner. We'll be having dessert in a couple hours.
5. Eat all your dinner or you don't get dessert. - This variation on the threat above translates to "you must overeat and I will reward you by giving you more to eat!" Children naturally love sweet foods, so they can learn to override their fullness signals. As an adult, they might be temped to order a 1,200-calorie salad to "earn" a 1,200-calorie piece of cheesecake.
What you could say instead: Save room for dessert tonight!
6. I was so bad at lunch today! Now I have to spend an extra hour on the treadmill. - Children are born to move. They naturally love exploring their environment, challenging themselves, and playing actively. Unfortunately, the messages they get from adults teach them that exercise is punishment for eating.
What you could say instead: I ate more than I needed and now I feel too full and uncomfortable. I think a walk would make me feel better. Want to join me? Or, anybody up for a bike ride?
7. I am so gross and fat! Or, I can't believe has let herself go! - Kids learn from us even when we think they aren't listening. Statements like this teach kids that it's okay to put yourself and others down and judge people for their weight or other physical attributes. Perhaps they also secretly wonder what you really think about them.
What you could say instead: I'm not perfect, but I do my best to make healthy choices.
And whatever else you say, remember to say often... I love you just the way you are.
Source:
TOPS Club Inc. (Take Off Pounds Sensibly)
I agree with most of this, but when we talk about our 2 yo being a good eater it's about variety, no quantity.
We don't have clean plate club, he's a good eater because he's not afraid to try new things and eats a large variety of foods. However, we also don't allow him to get up from the table saying "all done" and immediatly go to eating something else. If he's having cereal and banana and he gets up and almost immediately wants a granola bar but failed to eat his cereal he gets his cereal back. When you're hungry you eat what you're given.
Do people really eat that much dessert that it would cause an issue? We have meals and snacks, dessert is something that we eat sometimes when we go out, but that's it. We don't really treat any food as special unless we're eating out.
I wonder if "I did xyz today so I can have ice cream" is the same as "I had ice cream, so I have to do xyz."
Hy husband is self deprecating, I am not, it bothers me when he does it, I always ask him to stop.0 -
allabtim -I wonder if "I did xyz today so I can have ice cream" is the same as "I had ice cream, so I have to do xyz."
I still don't get that, just recently I replied to another thread with something like "isn't that just punishing yourself for enjoying yourself?" I see that a lot here, not that it's bad....I'm just confused by the whole food as reward thing. I guess it's okay if you view exercise as pleasurable, but who knows.
Oops, I'm threadjacking my own thread.
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Bump0
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Touche on all that...I was taught ALL those things (besides the talking down about self or others) & have to catch myself with my kids. I don't want them to run to food for comfort...come to Mom & get a big hug on a bad day! STEP AWAY from the ice cream!!!0
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I love this article! I try to be careful about what I say regarding my body, food, exercise, diet, etc. around children. I really believe that my unhealthy relationship with all of those things started in childhood.0
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As a side note, does anyone else get a tiny bit annoyed when servers tell them that they've done such a good job? Maybe it's not a passive aggressive way of calling me a big fat pig, but I have my doubts.0
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Thanks for sharing! The last one is particularly important with mothers and daughters, as that is one of the first places we learn about body image...
Wrote a blog about some of mine: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/Mandchic/view/mandy-gotta-big-ole-butt-oh-yeah-144080
Enjoy 0 -
Yikes! The author must have been hiding in closets at every place I ever lived!0
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I've commented on my son being a good eater and my daughter being a picky eater. I try to phrase things carefully.
With my son, it's because he is more adverterous than most. He will eat *anything* at least once. The only thing he doesn't really like is tomato, and we never try to force him to eat it. If there is a food he doesn't like, he usually will cook it with me and try to find a way to make it better. I think that's fantastic and I want him to know.
I comment on my daughter being picky- but it's more the fact that she's stubborn. If she doesn't like the way something looks on her plate- she won't eat it. I wouldn't mind if she tried things and didn't like them, but sitting there refusing to eat a single bite drives me up the wall.
The only "rule" we have about finishing everything or desserts, etc... is that they have to wait 15 minutes before having a snack. My son will inhale his dinner sometimes and then immediately ask for a snack. I tell him to wait 15 minutes and give his body time to realize if it's really still hungry or not. If he is still hungry in 15 minutes, we find a snack for him, but most of the time he doesn't come back for it.0 -
We got #3 all the time; 'starving kids in China' from my Dad. I was a geek before the term was coined and made the mistake of quoting him record crop production totals from the Wall Street Journal (required reading in our house). I got the 'parental glare' and had to finish my supper in the mud room since I 'couldn't behave respectfully'. :laugh: I would never try that with a kid today.0
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I have never been really effected by it because I didn't listen but my mom would tell me to 'clean my plate' which I am told is bad because it forces people to overeat Of course I didn't and I'd feed the dogs under the table 0
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I do the "if you eat all your dinner then you can have dessert"
But only on the days when she's refusing to eat anything at all. I think I'd find it really difficult to stop doing it 
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I do the "if you eat all your dinner then you can have dessert" But only on the days when she's refusing to eat anything at all. I think I'd find it really difficult to stop doing it x
We do that too. My son is an eating machine but my daughter hardly eats anything at all.0
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