Frustration vent w/sort of off topic( or not??)

Tracyrocksss

I wrote this out today on my home page and could not believe how long it got....Please- if you are not in the mood for train of thought rambling, you really REALLy need to click that x-lol..But...if you have am inute and would just love to hear a frustrated chick belly ache, then, be my guest--lol-- PLEASE I only need kind and "supportive"posts....As a matter of fact, I have my arms wide open waiting for them...........((thanks))
What's on my mind!? Sigh...I am a little bummed, that's what's on my mind...Have been CRAZY busy at my work/at home/single momming...Have also been a little down/depressed just about--I dunno...just being single/alone I guess.....I have also been feeling overwhelmed at trying to stay on track with my eating and keep plugging away when I am sort of at a standstill here...Something I don't think I have mentioned is that I have some pretty severe hypothyroid I am dealing with....and I won't have insurance to be treated prioperly until JANUARY...:( sigh...sooo-while my lack of energy/motivation to exercise can be blamed PARTLY on my own lack of willpower, it has just been almost impossible for me to have an ounce of energy left after working full time and single momming and keeping my house from falling down around me....The thought of getting out and even walking just makes me want to cry after getting up at 5:30 and working all day, then doign what I need to do in the short time I have in the evenings....grrrr- I know that sounds like a big excuse for not exercising, but it is just how I feel..:( I KNOW that not progressing is making me feel even sadder, so I KNOW that if I would just DO IT ( walk) I would feel better ultimately....but here I am, a half pound up from last week ( my ticker is wonky! I only LOST a half pound last time and it registered as me having lost 9 instead of 8.. This time I only GAINED a half pound and it shows me as losing 8 instead of 8.5--go figure!??)

I guess what I am saying is that this past week has been very difficult for me between my general feeling of sadness/lonliness regarding having no significant other for the past 7 years ( what a nightmare of a story in itself........omG I will post about this sometime) and the lack of energy I feel from dealing with this friggin dead thyroid and my equally dead alck of energy/motivation to get out and walk.........I know a Debbie Downer post isn't fun to read, and ic an't say it is fun to write...but I did feel like I wanted to post and just say hello and that I apologize for not being online more/suppoting you guys.... I guess I am on the needy end instead of the supportive end of things right now.....I have good friends, a sweet almost 9 year old boy who loves me, a family that is there for me, a career I love, but.......It still just gets SO lonely as a single woman at my age ( 47)....:( I was with my husband for over 20 years.....I never dreamed I would be alone at this stage in my life....I don't ALWAYS feel so "alone" but sometimes, when it hits, it really does just hit hard......I think I get sad and almost resentful that apparently there is no one out there who will treat me with consideration/care/love unless I am "thin"......Hmm- how to explain...I have been on COUNTLESS dates ( meet and greets)....We talk by phone for a week or so....we seem to get on well..I do NOT hide my "full figure" in photos or in talking......We go out to dinner or drink etc. The date goes well, or so I think... Then at LEAST over 5 or 6 times I have been asked to "go back tot heir place" THAT NIGHT

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and when I politely decline or offer some reason as to why I don't care to go "home" with them, I NEVER HEAR FROM THEM AGAIN--EVER

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I think that has broken my heart so much..... It's like- they think " Oh, look at the desperate fat chick. She'll be an easy lay. I'll throw her a few scraps of attention and then she'll give in because she is obviously lonely and must be desperate for attention"

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and then when I am NOT the easy lay they had hoped for, they waste NO more time and move on to some easier target....And I remain alone.....................I mean, I woudl rather be alone than with ANYONE lilke that, of course...But it still hurts/dosappoints me that I just cannot seem to find a man who is willing to treat me as a human being....Most of my friends/aquaintances who are heavy have been married forever and both they AND their husbands have--how do I word this ---"physically depreciated" over time at the same rate and they already were in love and the lack of physical perfection in their mate is not an issue......But with women in MY situation-- it's like we have to present ourselves as this "perfect size 9" wonder woman in order to find a QUALITY good man.....sigh.. I could go on forever....so I will spare you...Just had to let some thoughts out....:( xoxoxoxoxo