Will I be Bad Today?

Raihaanah

Will I Be Bad Today?

The alarm brought Mary from her deep sleep as she struggled to reach the snooze button. Waiting for that inevitable sound again she began to ask herself that too familiar question, Will I be bad today. She began to run down all the dreadful food rules in her head. There seemed to be so many and now since her surgery the stakes seemed even higher.

Part of her was ashamed that she had not made more progress in her struggles with eating. Today was going to be different. Mary proclaimed “today I am going to be perfect”! I will follow all the rules and no matter what happens I will not eat any bad foods. Today, I will be good. After all I owe myself that much having gone through so much to get my surgery and am finally losing weight.

There was that all too familiar sound of the alarm bringing her back to thoughts of the day rather than the “rules”. Climbing from bed Mary says aloud with a tone of certainty “today I will be good”. No bad foods, no bad choices, no head hunger today.

The morning is always the easiest part of Mary’s day. She works at getting small sips of hot tea past her lips and has no desire for food as she thinks about her upcoming day.

Traffic is stressful as usual and by the time the long commute is over she is beginning to feel small pangs of hunger. Walking past the break room filled with machines all stocked with bad foods was always the first test of the day. Today, Mary passed with flying colors. Proclaiming loudly inside her head "today I will be good".

It was always better to wait until the crowd cleared before using the break room microwave to warm her breakfast dutifully brought from home and prepared with such determination to not be bad today.

As the lunch hour approached Mary found herself going over all her food rules. Today was lunch with her supervisor, who always seemed to watch her eating with the most critical eye since the surgery. Mary knew her supervisor thought the surgery to be ill-advised and foolish. How many times did she say, “If you would just stick with your diets the weight would come off”. Taking so long to finish her soup made Mary self-conscious to say the least and certainly did not go unnoticed by the supervisor. This lunch was particularly stressful as Mary learned that the company was in financial difficulty and some tough decisions were coming from corporate.

The lunch was all Mary could think about as she drove home that afternoon. Since lunch the rules committee in her head had been very active and loud. She must have covered every food rule in her exhaustive list of bad foods. The more she thought about what she could not have the more she wanted what she could not have. Mary was firm with her resolve that in spite of such a stressful day that she would not be bad today. She would not eat even a single bit of bad food. Mary could feel the frustration, anger, resentment, and it seemed like every feeling imaginable rushed into her body.

Upon arriving at home Mary pulled the shades, turned off the phone, turned on the TV. The more she thought about her day the more she thought about every bad food in the house. I will not be bad today Mary proclaimed aloud as if someone within earshot cared about her feelings.

As darkness fell numbness overcame the earlier rush of feelings. All Mary could think of was all the bad foods she could not have and all her shortcomings. In no time she had convinced herself that not only was she unlovable, but could never find another job if this one was lost.

Mary suddenly found herself standing in front of the refrigerator. Opening the box of ice cream she promised herself to take only one bite. I won’t even put it in a bowl because I’m only going to take one bite. Almost instantaneously after the first bite the voices in her head began to scream the all too familiar refrains: you’ve done it now stupid; what a failure you are; you will never learn; you have absolutely no will power; every one is doing better than you after their surgery; you are bad. Having broken the rule there was no need to hold back until the ice cream was gone. This would be her dinner, as well as her much deserved punishment. When you are a bad person you deserve no help or sympathy. The thing to do is go ahead and punish yourself, because that is what bad people deserve - punishment.

With the ice cream gone and exhaustion overtaking Mary’s day she lay down in bed. Will sleep coming she asked herself, "will I be bad tomorrow?"

Mary like so many of us fell into the trap of defining herself as good or bad based on the foods she ate. Food was something sharply divided into good vs. bad. The rules were never to be broken and once broken there was no need to turn back until all the damage had been done.

Arriving home Mary made the faithful decision to isolate herself with only her rule and self-doubt to grow in strength until they were unbearable.

Without even knowing Mary is there any question that she is a person of some worth? Is she not worthy of love? Is her goodness defined not by what she eats, but what is in her heart? How could she define herself as good or bad based on food of all things? Do you define yourself based on what you eat rather than who you are? Do you have black and white rules about eating rather than sensible guidelines? Do you isolate yourself when you need to reach out to those that care? Do you attempt to cover your emotions with food? Do you fall asleep asking, will I be bad tomorrow?

Gary E. Calhoun PH.D