My BFFs kids are killing me! What do I do?

paravision

I am 32 and got a divorce 1.5 years ago. Anyone who has done this knows it takes time to build a new life. I decided to go back to school again and get my bachelors in science (maybe even my masters) so I paid of 13,000 in school loans and started round 2 this fall. My ex moved out and I decided to get rid of the house and down size for convenience. I am too busy with school work kids ect to shovel snow and mow the lawn. (North Dakota) Also having more than one floor made it harder to keep track of the kids, clean and be a part of all that was going on at home. I found an awesome apartment and waited with a garage full of packed boxes for one to become available. I was in love and wouldn’t settle for anything less. This place has an island in the kitchen that’s open to the living room. This allows me to be right in the middle of what everyone’s doing even if I am cooking. The other huge perk? GYM!!! YAY! I can finally work on me and my health with the convenience of a gym 24/7! Moving time came (2 months ago) I got a call at 11 PM on a Friday saying I had till the next week to get moved if I wanted it. I moved. My BFF and my BF Justin and I did it all. A four bedroom house into a three bedroom third floor apartment! Omg so hard! The other thing I did was sell all my furniture. I didn’t like what I had and it reminded me of him and all we had accomplished together. Now I wanted my home my way and my style! I sold it all. Everything went! I ordered my purple couches and chair, dining room set, bedroom set and entertainment unit. I bought a good mattress so I would sleep better. I worked so hard for all that I have. Almost all of my new furniture has been delivered. So what does this have to do with my BFF?
She has been my support and amazing when I thought I couldn’t do all this I got into school, started and am maintaining an A average. Heres the problem…. I am a neat freek! I take care of my things. My BFF does not. Her kids have mouths and attitude like no ones business. Her 14 year old has taken her vehicle, stole, fights ect. Her 6 Year old is nasty, selfish, mouthy, lies habitually. I try and ignore it. Its not my place. We talk about her kids behavior and she knows it’s a problem but lets kids do as they choose. Recently her daughter has stayed the night a few times (6 year old) and my daughter is 8. She is so hard to have over! She drags everything out, makes messes, lies, mouths off OMG then this last 2 weeks she stayed the night again. She told my daughter she had to sleep in the laundry room if she wanted to go to bed because she was staying up. She got in the fridge and drank all the soda then used a marker and wrote on the inside of the brand new drawers in my bathroom! AHHH! Then I start working out and my BFF is my work out buddy. To my horror the first day she brought her 6 and 14 year old over. I made the girls watch tv while we worked out and the 14 year old wanted to come and work out too. Ok.. (Kinda annoyed I am sharing my adult time but I love her kids and who am I to say no to fitness). In the gym (small) we have a Bo flex, elliptical and a treadmill. The first day we rotated with Bff on elliptical and me on treadmill and her daughter waited to rotate in. The next day the same routine but my bff decided to let her daughter go first and made me feel like I wasn’t being fair if I didn’t let her go first. UGH! Ok neither of them will stick with it and go home and eat candy or don’t show for work out when I wait for them but whatever. My breaking point? I was on the mill and rotated off, her daughter was on the elliptical, I wanted to rotate too (we agreed on 10 min) for 20 min. I said “ok hun time to rotate” after waiting 10 min. She says to me ”Why don’t you run back and forth like I did yesterday” WHAT? I pay to live here, shes a kid, and wtf is she talking to me like that for. She can run in place not me! Then I get home and they leave. My new buffet table? DEEP GOUGES! Her other daughter used a toy and gouged the wood on my brand new furniture! , My 500.00 BEAUTIFUL BUFFET TABLE! She was being obnoxious and my older two flipped out and said “why are you doing that?” So they are mouthy, destructive and these kids will grow up and are growing up with serious problems! I don’t want them near my things and influencing my kids but its my BFF kids. I love her so much. What do I do?!? I am at my wits end and find myself avoiding her calls because I don’t want to hear the same ol **** she created for herself with her own bad choices. Help

kmbrooks15

Oh, wow. I'm not sure what to even say to this. You're going to have to have a talk with your friend. She either gets her kids under control or they are not allowed in your home again. She should also offer to pay for the damages her child has done to your apartment and furniture, but I wouldn't hold my breath. This may boil down to a choice between putting up with their behavior to continue the friendship, or dropping the friendship so your home is not destroyed.

I don't envy you...

bmw4deb

I would check the kids in front of there mom, tell them this is YOUR house and YOUR rules
if they don't abide by them they can stay home, as far as the damage girl would be working
her butt off to cover the damage.....Scrubbing floors windows washing car whatever I would have
her butt there every wknd and she would be working if i had to invent **** for her to do;
Your BFF should have some respect as well those are her kids she needs to make sure they respect
other peoples property
As far as the Gym I would tell her i'm the adult and this is my home do as i say not as i do.....not get off the
machine!!

miriamtorason

Oh, wow. I'm not sure what to even say to this. You're going to have to have a talk with your friend. She either gets her kids under control or they are not allowed in your home again. She should also offer to pay for the damages her child has done to your apartment and furniture, but I wouldn't hold my breath. This may boil down to a choice between putting up with their behavior to continue the friendship, or dropping the friendship so your home is not destroyed.

I don't envy you...

This. Very much this. I'm a hard-*kitten*, though, and would be very likely to say "Look, your kids have done $700 damages to my home {drawers + table). Either they find a way to put it right, you put it right for them, or none of you are coming back to my house and using my free-to-you gym privileges. I'm sure they're not like this at your house, but they are at mine."

litelight

Girl, you're going to have to go super nanny on those beebees! Your house, your rules.

bigirishape

You were focused on you for getting divorced and getting your life back in order, don't let this "BFF" distract you and ruin your world. Someone who isn't going to be responsible for her own offspring needs a head check, or CPS needs to come take an interest in their lives.

My suggestion, for better or worse, take it or leave it...is to offer your "BFF" 2 choices. 1. She can continue being a workout partner, but her children are not invited anywhere near your house at any time until they learn to act right. or 2. You remove the distracting influence in your life (ie: tell her why you're upset, and then tell her she is not welcome in your life until she gets hers straight) and continue working on you.

There are a number of articles I've seen on CNN and MSN about how to get rid of "that friend" in your life, the one who is only a friend when it suits them and is a horrible influence on your life. Well, you have one of "those friends" that makes the saying "with friends like that, who needs enemies?" a fact of life. You seem motivated enough to get your life in order, I sincerely doubt you'd have any issues plowing on forward alone in your workouts until you find another workout-buddy. But until you finish getting rid of the bad, you can't fully move on with the good.

A true friend would notice the issues her children present, and if she is dedicated to improving that situation and cares to still remain a friend to you, she wouldn't subject you to them. Otherwise, you're just looking at a selfish individual who is going to rely on someone else to take care of her life's problems.

May be harsh, but that's my 2 cents.

DiamondRubyMom

I think you need to establish some ground rules. Your BFF can allow her kide to run wild at her house but you are queen of your own castle. If they don't like it, they can go home. If they drive you too crazy then have adult only time with your friend.

sun33082

It's your home and you need to teach them that you will not put up with certain things in YOUR home. I have friends who have unruly children too. However those children know that I will not put up with what their parents put up with and as long as I stand my ground, they do not act like fools in my house. At their house it's a totally different story. You just have to stand your ground and if your BFF really is your BFF she will understand when you don't allow her children to act like fools in your home.

After a while she'll probably get aggravated that they act like angels when they are in your home. She'll probably never change the way she raises them though. At least my friends never have. But like I said, as long as you don't allow it in your home, it won't happen (or at least won't be as bad as it is now).

lynheff

Talking to your BFF is useless. After 14 years she knows the kids are brats and doesn't care. The bottom line: Is her friendship worth the damage, hassle and frustration of her kids? Only you can decide that. If the answer is yes, then you put up with it. If the answer is no, gently distance yourself from the relationship. Work out alone, stop calling her, make excuses when the kids want to come over etc. It sounds a little harsh but as my mama used to say " no one can use you as a doormat if you don't lay down" Good luck. I hope you find a good solution.

paravision

I would check the kids in front of there mom, tell them this is YOUR house and YOUR rules
if they don't abide by them they can stay home, as far as the damage girl would be working
her butt off to cover the damage.....Scrubbing floors windows washing car whatever I would have
her butt there every wknd and she would be working if i had to invent **** for her to do;
Your BFF should have some respect as well those are her kids she needs to make sure they respect
other peoples property
As far as the Gym I would tell her i'm the adult and this is my home do as i say not as i do.....not get off the
machine!!

I do put her kids in check all the time. Makes me feel like ****! The part I am having a hard time with that shes stuck with me through my divorce and I feel like I should stick with her and be the better example in hopes that she will learn from me. I also stopped talking about money because I was sick of loaning her hundreds of dollars at a time. I understand flukes happening but after a fe3w times of not having the rent and paying attention I realized shes doing it to her self and I am enabling her. Gawd this sucks so bad...

paravision

LynHeff Sadly, this is where I am heading. There isn't much more I can do and I have already started avoiding her calls....

boomboom011

i have had to get up in my BFF's daughters *kitten* before for being completely disrespectful to me. Needless to say it happened about 2 times and she doesnt mouth off anymore to me. If your kids are at my house and you misbehave we will put a stop to it. those kids are doing it because no one has put a stop to it. let them know from now and if your BFF doesnt want to be friends with you because you didnt allow her kids to destroy your home then sounds like she is doing you a favor in my humble yet usually accurate opinion.

paravision

i have had to get up in my BFF's daughters *kitten* before for being completely disrespectful to me. Needless to say it happened about 2 times and she doesnt mouth off anymore to me. If your kids are at my house and you misbehave we will put a stop to it. those kids are doing it because no one has put a stop to it. let them know from now and if your BFF doesnt want to be friends with you because you didnt allow her kids to destroy your home then sounds like she is doing you a favor in my humble yet usually accurate opinion.

Good point, I wish she would choose to live more comfortably and she could if she would control them. I shouldn't let it affect me

paravision

You were focused on you for getting divorced and getting your life back in order, don't let this "BFF" distract you and ruin your world. Someone who isn't going to be responsible for her own offspring needs a head check, or CPS needs to come take an interest in their lives.

My suggestion, for better or worse, take it or leave it...is to offer your "BFF" 2 choices. 1. She can continue being a workout partner, but her children are not invited anywhere near your house at any time until they learn to act right. or 2. You remove the distracting influence in your life (ie: tell her why you're upset, and then tell her she is not welcome in your life until she gets hers straight) and continue working on you.

There are a number of articles I've seen on CNN and MSN about how to get rid of "that friend" in your life, the one who is only a friend when it suits them and is a horrible influence on your life. Well, you have one of "those friends" that makes the saying "with friends like that, who needs enemies?" a fact of life. You seem motivated enough to get your life in order, I sincerely doubt you'd have any issues plowing on forward alone in your workouts until you find another workout-buddy. But until you finish getting rid of the bad, you can't fully move on with the good.

A true friend would notice the issues her children present, and if she is dedicated to improving that situation and cares to still remain a friend to you, she wouldn't subject you to them. Otherwise, you're just looking at a selfish individual who is going to rely on someone else to take care of her life's problems.

May be harsh, but that's my 2 cents.

I am going to look into this. I know theres got to be a check list or something to show me in black and white what I should do...

paravision

I would check the kids in front of there mom, tell them this is YOUR house and YOUR rules
if they don't abide by them they can stay home, as far as the damage girl would be working
her butt off to cover the damage.....Scrubbing floors windows washing car whatever I would have
her butt there every wknd and she would be working if i had to invent **** for her to do;
Your BFF should have some respect as well those are her kids she needs to make sure they respect
other peoples property
As far as the Gym I would tell her i'm the adult and this is my home do as i say not as i do.....not get off the
machine!!

I am a hard *kitten* I swear! lol thats why my kids are so good lol

livnlite

I would check the kids in front of there mom, tell them this is YOUR house and YOUR rules
if they don't abide by them they can stay home, as far as the damage girl would be working
her butt off to cover the damage.....Scrubbing floors windows washing car whatever I would have
her butt there every wknd and she would be working if i had to invent **** for her to do;
Your BFF should have some respect as well those are her kids she needs to make sure they respect
other peoples property
As far as the Gym I would tell her i'm the adult and this is my home do as i say not as i do.....not get off the
machine!!

I do put her kids in check all the time. Makes me feel like ****! The part I am having a hard time with that shes stuck with me through my divorce and I feel like I should stick with her and be the better example in hopes that she will learn from me. I also stopped talking about money because I was sick of loaning her hundreds of dollars at a time. I understand flukes happening but after a fe3w times of not having the rent and paying attention I realized shes doing it to her self and I am enabling her. Gawd this sucks so bad...

Yeah, so she stuck with you .. as any friend would .. in your time of need.

Being disrespected in your own home is completely different. You have to discuss some boundaries when you cohabitate with ANYONE. You'd be best to write it all down, and both agree on it. So many arguments arise, because of failing memory or selective memory .. It happens all the time. You want to keep the peace .. you have to talk it out.

You owe her your friendship ..not a lifetime of frustration.

Tangerine302

Well, you can still keep her as a friend, but discontinue the workouts at your house and any type of activity that involves her kids your house. If possible, can you get together while the kids are at school? Maybe she will get the hint or maybe not, but at least your house won't get messed up. Just tell her it works out better when you workout early in the morning when the kids are still sleeping. If they have to come over for something just tell the kids you would appreciate if they didn't do that, touch that, said that, etc.
Good luck!

paravision

Well, you can still keep her as a friend, but discontinue the workouts at your house and any type of activity that involves her kids your house. If possible, can you get together while the kids are at school? Maybe she will get the hint or maybe not, but at least your house won't get messed up. Just tell her it works out better when you workout early in the morning when the kids are still sleeping. If they have to come over for something just tell the kids you would appreciate if they didn't do that, touch that, said that, etc.
Good luck!

Thanks! Good idea

Hoppymom

Oh, wow. I'm not sure what to even say to this. You're going to have to have a talk with your friend. She either gets her kids under control or they are not allowed in your home again. She should also offer to pay for the damages her child has done to your apartment and furniture, but I wouldn't hold my breath. This may boil down to a choice between putting up with their behavior to continue the friendship, or dropping the friendship so your home is not destroyed.

I don't envy you...

This. Very much this. I'm a hard-*kitten*, though, and would be very likely to say "Look, your kids have done $700 damages to my home {drawers + table). Either they find a way to put it right, you put it right for them, or none of you are coming back to my house and using my free-to-you gym privileges. I'm sure they're not like this at your house, but they are at mine."

^This. Though I am surethaey act like this at home. I have degree in early childhood and this is not typical behavior. They have clearly been given no boundries and no consequences for bad behavior. Time to cut the cord in this friendship. She has no control over her children and obvously no interest in learning any. My daughter recently had to do this with a friend who keeps having children with the same loser who has kids with two other women. She did not want to discipline her children .(that doesn't mean hitting etc. but setting boundries, rules and consequensces appropriate to the age and development of the child). When my daughter, a social worker and pysch major offered to lend her a book on child rearing the friend freaked. My daughter still wonders what took her so long. Way less stress with this woman not in her life. Sadly sometimes we outgrow friends or their behavior becomes a real barrier to continued friendship. Sorry.