Humor - Give it your best shot!

BobinNC66

Wife out of breath once said, "wow, if I could figure how to get this vibrator to bring home a check I wouldn't need a husband!"

binary_jester

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt she normally slept in
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!'
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

mommared53

**disclaimer** This is not meant to offend anyone. A friend of mine and I often share jokes that are a little racial in nature (my friend is black) so that we can get a good laugh. We also compare slurs that we've heard.

**So again, don't read on if you offend easily** the OP only said to keep it clean. I have changed all the racial slurs to more appropriate terminology.


There's these three guys, a Mexican, a white guy and a black guy. and they walk along the beach, they see this pot, they rub it, genie comes out. Genie says, "You wish for anything you want."

So, he asks, Mexican what-what he wants, and he goes, "I want all my people in America to be happy and free and in Mexico." And so, genie goes - Poof! And, all the Mexicans are in Mexico.

And then he asks the black guy, "What do you want?" And he goes, "I want all my African-brothers in America to be back in Africa and happy." So, genie goes poof! And all the blacks in America are in Africa.

So the genie says to the white guy, "What's your one wish?" And the white guy goes, "You mean to tell me all the blacks and Mexicans are out of America?" Genie goes, "Yeah." He says, "Well, um, I'll have a Coke, then."

The disclaimer was a nice touch, but doesn't make it any less offensive.

well that's why I warned you.

I guess when those things don't really matter to you or your friends then you can share them and laugh at the joke and how closed minded some people still are.

I don't even get it....Probably shouldn't have admitted that. lol

Ok, I'm glad I'm not the only one that didn't get it. :ohwell:

dandrews010

**disclaimer** This is not meant to offend anyone. A friend of mine and I often share jokes that are a little racial in nature (my friend is black) so that we can get a good laugh. We also compare slurs that we've heard.

**So again, don't read on if you offend easily** the OP only said to keep it clean. I have changed all the racial slurs to more appropriate terminology.


There's these three guys, a Mexican, a white guy and a black guy. and they walk along the beach, they see this pot, they rub it, genie comes out. Genie says, "You wish for anything you want."

So, he asks, Mexican what-what he wants, and he goes, "I want all my people in America to be happy and free and in Mexico." And so, genie goes - Poof! And, all the Mexicans are in Mexico.

And then he asks the black guy, "What do you want?" And he goes, "I want all my African-brothers in America to be back in Africa and happy." So, genie goes poof! And all the blacks in America are in Africa.

So the genie says to the white guy, "What's your one wish?" And the white guy goes, "You mean to tell me all the blacks and Mexicans are out of America?" Genie goes, "Yeah." He says, "Well, um, I'll have a Coke, then."

The disclaimer was a nice touch, but doesn't make it any less offensive.

well that's why I warned you.

I guess when those things don't really matter to you or your friends then you can share them and laugh at the joke and how closed minded some people still are.

I don't even get it....Probably shouldn't have admitted that. lol

Ok, I'm glad I'm not the only one that didn't get it. :ohwell:

:huh:
Because the white american had already gotten everything he wanted. Unless you were doing your own joke. If so well played!

mommared53

**disclaimer** This is not meant to offend anyone. A friend of mine and I often share jokes that are a little racial in nature (my friend is black) so that we can get a good laugh. We also compare slurs that we've heard.

**So again, don't read on if you offend easily** the OP only said to keep it clean. I have changed all the racial slurs to more appropriate terminology.


There's these three guys, a Mexican, a white guy and a black guy. and they walk along the beach, they see this pot, they rub it, genie comes out. Genie says, "You wish for anything you want."

So, he asks, Mexican what-what he wants, and he goes, "I want all my people in America to be happy and free and in Mexico." And so, genie goes - Poof! And, all the Mexicans are in Mexico.

And then he asks the black guy, "What do you want?" And he goes, "I want all my African-brothers in America to be back in Africa and happy." So, genie goes poof! And all the blacks in America are in Africa.

So the genie says to the white guy, "What's your one wish?" And the white guy goes, "You mean to tell me all the blacks and Mexicans are out of America?" Genie goes, "Yeah." He says, "Well, um, I'll have a Coke, then."

The disclaimer was a nice touch, but doesn't make it any less offensive.

well that's why I warned you.

I guess when those things don't really matter to you or your friends then you can share them and laugh at the joke and how closed minded some people still are.

I don't even get it....Probably shouldn't have admitted that. lol

Ok, I'm glad I'm not the only one that didn't get it. :ohwell:

:huh:
Because the white american had already gotten everything he wanted. Unless you were doing your own joke. If so well played!

Thanks for the explanation. I wasn't doing my own joke. I really didn't get it. I guess I'm just kinda dense at times.

Puggy33

How can you tell if your girlfriend has gained weight?

She can now fit in your wifes clothes.

javajunki

So, have you heard of the dyslectic, agnostic, insomniac?

He laid awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog.

myofibril

I quit my job at the helium factory. I will not be spoken to in that tone...

(I love Stewart Francis...)

LauraMacNCheese

This is a touching story. Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster, Ohio forwards the following letter:

The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind.

Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my *kitten*.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Agnes Baker

mommared53

This is a touching story. Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster, Ohio forwards the following letter:

The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind.

Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my *kitten*.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Agnes Baker

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

HMonsterX

A woman finds a genie's lamp. The Genie comes out and says, "You may have three wishes, but your husband will get ten times than what you wished for."

The woman agrees. Her first wish was that she would be the most beautiful woman in the world. "You realize," the Genie said, "that your husband will be ten times more beautiful than you, and more women will gawk at him?"

"That's okay," says the woman, "He'll only look at me because I will be the most beautiful women." So the wish is granted.

Her second wish was that she would be the richest woman in the world. "You know your husband will be ten times richer, right?" the Genie asks.

"That's okay. What's mine is his and what's his is mine," replied the woman. So the wish was granted.

The woman then thinks long and hard about her last wish. She finally wishes that she had a mild heart attack.

Women are smart! Don't mess with them!




..




..

Women, stop reading here. Be safe that you are smart!





...seriously..





..stop now










Guys...

The husband had a heart attack 10 times milder.

Let's let them keep thinking they are smart. We know better

LauraMacNCheese

15 Things to do at Walmart while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in the Housewares Dept. to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in Housewares..... and see what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a box of cereal on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?!'
9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are located.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, fall to the floor, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And; last, but not least and this is PRICELESS!)
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

barkin43

This is a touching story. Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster, Ohio forwards the following letter:

The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind.

Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my *kitten*.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Agnes Baker

LMAO! That's priceless! Paybacks are hell, aren't they!

vaderandbill

One that never gets old for me.

a bear and a rabbit are going to the bathroom in the woods. The bear asks the rabbit, "excuse me, do you have a problem with crap sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies, "no, I don't." So the bear wipes his @ss with the rabbit.