DIVORCED WOMEN I NEED YOUR HELP!

Davis713

Ok, so My husband left me one month ago, he said he just didn't want to be married anymore...He says that he just can't be the man I NEED him to be so he left me and MY small children in the middle of the night. After that horrible mess my mother passed away this past weekend. I am going through such a terrible storm right now.


Ok here is what I am needing help with..... How do you let him go? How do you not get jealous over his actions? How do you stop wanting to know where he is and what he doing or who he is with? How do I let him go?

I know i probably need to go to counseling, and i am definately trying to get into someone but I feel like it will be better hearing your stories to help me process and find my "own" way.

Please help me.....my daughters NEED me to be strong enough to let him go I'm just not sure how?

irunforfun

Not divorced...yet. We are just separated but our marriage was over pretty much as soon as it started. Now we're just in the legal steps to go our separate ways. Counseling, and lots of it. Feel free to add me, too. I'm right now in the angry phase although I've vowed not to talk too much about it (but will one on one with you via pm's if you'd like). I realize I deserve better because I stood by him even when he didn't deserve me. He chose to be with another woman not that long after he said "I do" to me and didn't want to choose between the two of us. I'm still hurt, and still have days where I cry all day long, but I certainly don't want him. It's a process.

LATeagno

Wow... just, wow. I guess the only solace you can take is in the fact that he was obviously a selfish, sad human being who is more of a boy than a man. My boyfriend left me in 2003 when I found out I was pregnant, so I've never been divorced, but I can relate to a degree. I was recently married to a man who was 10x the man that my daughter's father could even dream of being. Took me a long, long time to trust someone again though. A LONG time. That said, the fact that your husband was so selfish and juvenile as to leave his children in the middle of the night is beyond disgusting to me. I know you didn't ask for your husband to be bashed, but I am so angry that a "man" could do that to his own children. I am just... disgusted.

I am so sorry you've gone through all this. Things do happen for a reason, though, so things will get better. I can't even begin to tell you how to get over it. All I can say is that time will heal you, but it will also leave a scar that will affect you for the rest of your life. I really, really feel for you. (((hugs)))

jend114

Feel free to add me too. I'm going through a divorce right now where he left me also. We have a 2 year old daughter. Take it 1 day at a time. I know its not easy but it will get easier.

EricNCSU

I know I'm not a woman but I had to weigh in since I am in the exact same boat you are. After what seemed like a perfectly good relationship, my wife walked out on me a little over a month ago. Packed her stuff and left while I was at work and moved in with her mom. Thankfully we don't have any kids.

The one thing I've taken away from the experience is that she is selfish and was not concerned about "us". I've also realized now in that "hindsight is 20/20" kind of way, that I am better off without her if she is going to act that way. Your ex has done the same thing, acted selfishly and in his own best interest not the "family".

Tell yourself you are better off with him gone, your daughters are better off with him gone. Also, Condolences on your mothers passing

angee1126

I went through a pretty bad divorce....he up and left me and our 3 boys (ages 8,4 & 2) for his new girlfriend that he started having an affair with 6 months prior to me finding out.......it was pretty traumatic to say the least. I was at one time in your shoes and thinking how would i get through this and over him......and the only thing i can advise is what helped me was to take it day by day. Be strong for your children, but don't hold all that crap in! Let it out. Whether it be through exercise, talking with girlfriend or family or seeing a therapist...just let it out....all the emotions, because that's one thing i didn't do at first because i was "too embarrassed" to let people know the "dirt" of our marriage. Now almost 7 years later, i see that the best thing was for us to divorce because we were both miserable. I don't like how he left....but there's nothing i could have done to have changed it. Stay strong and keep your head up.....as the saying goes..... This too shall pass! :flowerforyou:

Bigtime078

Hopefully my 2 cents helps...

I can speak as a man about the same issues. I got married too young, to a woman who was not ready to grow up. She decided she wanted to move on, because my job sent me away for a while, and I'm guessing she realized she was not in love as much as lust. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out exactly where I went wrong, what I could have done differently. You know, after a lot of sould searching and embarrassment, I had to realize I didn;t have the problem she did. What I hope you realize in this. The feelings you have are natural and will run their course. If you don't deal with them now, you'll deal with them later. So cry as much as you want right now. That way it's out of your system. Just try to grow stronger everyday...

phoenixsonrisa1198

As a recent divorced woman, the only thing that I can say is that it's going to take time. We usually want the pain to go away quickly but whatever emotion you are feeling just let it all out. I mean if you want to cry, do so...if you want to be angry, that is fine too. We are supposed to be feeling these feelings. I still have feelings for my ex and I see him about everyday (we work out at the same gym). I would suggest seeing a counselor to help you get your mojo back. I am seeing one and it definitely helps.

The best thing you can do about not thinking about him...is not to think about it. If you feel yourself thinking of where he is at or who he is with, just tell yourself STOP and replace it with a better thought.

It's funny though my husband said the same thing to me as well....but he was dealing with anxiety, PTSD, depression etc. So there are some issues that he needs to figure out. I just have to give him sometime...and if we get back together, then so be it....if not, then it wasn't meant to be.

Yes, you need to be strong for your daughters but the best thing you can do is to take care of yourself (mentally, spiritually, and physically). If you can't take care of yourself first, then you won't be good to anyone, even your daughters. I hope that it helps. If you want to talk more, then you can definitely add me...

Take care...

tracy337

Was in your place last year, only not married, but together for a little over 6 years and 3 young children. Went out on a first date with his current GF the very next night. Feel free to add me

bjshooter

I have never been married, but have two exes I have kids with and it is hard. Try to keep it clean, no spying, no phone calls no nothing. Focus on something else, losing weight and exercise would be great.

dovesgate

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.

I'm the dumper not the dumpee and my ex-husband and I had no kids but the way I coped was focusing on other things. Throwing myself into my job and my friends.

You're asking about all the emotional things that go with it instead of the things like who gets the house and kids and such so I'm going to assume that you already have a lawyer. If not, get one stat.

It takes time to let go. That's all there is to it. One day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. Do whatever it takes to distract you (without neglecting the kids or putting them in any danger of course). See your friends and other family as much as you can but do your best to NOT talk about him. Get a new hobby or get reinvolved in one you already have. Just anything to focus your attention on to keep it off him.

k121777

I am so sorry to hear all of this. Especially the part about your mom. You can't get her back. I'm sorry. Now let me tell you something......And you listen to me!!!! YOU WILL go on in your life. YOU WILL find true love. YOU WILL be successful. YOU WILL be happy. YOU WILL grow stronger from this. You will have a new chapter in your life, and it will be a ZILLION times better than the last chapter. Trust me! YOU WILL BE OK! Please be happy that your previous piece of crap man in gone. He's a loser and you can bet that the carma bug will bite him right in the MONKEY HOLE! Be strong, Lisa from California

mmelledge

I was divorced from my 1st husband about 8 years ago. My 2nd husband and I were separated for about 2 years, and reconciled early in 2011.

That said, when he (2nd) left me, I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. I actually slapped myself across the face to wake myself up (which really sucked, because I'd had wisdom teeth pulled the day before). I went through absolute hell, for lots of reasons, for quite awhile. Part of the big problem was I had been mis-diagnosed with a mood disorder, and the medicines messed me up a lot. A lot, as in almost killed me.

But...

I found a therapist that I adored. She'd stay on the phone with me when I cried so hard I couldn't breathe.
I went to all my necessary doctor appointments (found out I have hypothyroidism which affects mood, weight, and lots of other stuff).
I kept a journal. You never have to go back and read even 1 single page of it, but writing is tremendously therapeutic. Get it OUT.
I thought about my two kids. Every day, all the time. Many days that's the only thing that got me out of bed.
I learned about mindfulness. What an invaluable life tool. I suggest everyone on the planet practice this every day!!

One day at a time. You can't do more than that whether you want to or not, so don't even try! If you have to tell yourself a thousand times a day that things will eventually get better, then tell yourself.

Be there for your girls, but remember that you're only going to be able to do so if you take care of yourself.

Sending you tons of mental hugs and good healing energy. Time heals, I promise.

ahsongbird

I wasnt married to him but my boyfriend (and my oldest sons biological father) left us without saying a word. I had to track him down in another city to see what was going on and he just said hes not coming home with some girl laughing in the background. he hasn't seen my 6 yr old son since he was 6 months old. I thought I was going to die i had no clue how to do it on my own but slowly I started surrounding myself with family and friends and realized MY life is MINE and men can come and go but my family will always be my family. Until then just keep busy, fake it til u make it IMO.

prestonmay

http://www.marriagesherpa.com/ if its really over it has a section for that toooo.......

pixiesx3

It is not easy. Honestly, if it were not for my faith, I never would have made it through this far. That is not saying that I didn't have those feelings! The feelings you are experiencing are similar to the loss of a loved one. Oh wait! That is exactly what they are. You will go through the same stages as someone experiencing death of a spouse. Definitely find someone to talk to while you are navigating this path. It is more than doubly hard when dealing with the loss of your mom. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I am a single mom of 3 girls - twins 11 and twingle 8(in 2 weeks)! He left, mentally, before he left physically. We were married for 8.5 years when he decided to tell me he loved someone else. (Long, sad, and yet amusing now, story.) He told me he was leaving 11/16/08 and physically left 12/19/08. Nice, eh? Divorce was final 12/1/09. I am coming up on my 2 year anniversary!

When he left he moved about 2.5 hours away. He rarely calls the girls. Sometimes it is 8 or 9 months between contact. He is over $50k in arrears on child support. And until August, I didn't know where he was for about 7 months. He has not seen them in about a year either.

Feel free to PM me if you want to know more about how my faith helped me heal. I wish I'd had a different outcome and that he had the same faith that I do. His loss.

DKBelle

I would say it takes time, but since you have a child you really have to stop focusing on the question why and focus on your child and family. Nothing happens without reason therefore I would just thank the happy years spent together and move on. There will be someone who will stay. It never worth to cry for those who doesn't really care.

“Assume that every problem in your life is a lesson to make you stronger. Then you never feel like a victim.”


If there is something in your life you don't want, stop worrying about it and stop talking about it! The Energy you put into it keeps it alive. Withdraw your energy and it will likely go away!

You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously. You will find peace not in denial, but in victory.

Show him that you were worth it by letting him go, if he loves you he will find the way back if he doesn't than like I said he doesn't worth a moment to waste on him.

Puffins1958

Divorce is hard on everyone involved. I'm so sorry about your Mom's passing. Everything happens for a reason. I wish the best for you and your children. In the long run, he will be the one that misses out on his children growing up. I hope he regrets the day he left you. He took the easy way out. I hope you seek counselling, I think it will help you to sort out all your answers.
I hope you will be ok, for your childrens sake.....

cba4994

Focus on the things that you can control...taking care of your precious children, taking care of yourself and how you choose to react to what he has done. In time you will realize that his leaving had way more to do with his shortcomings not yours. He has already hurt you and your kids enough by leaving, don't subject yourself to more pain by wondering who's with, why he left ect....focus on healing. Counseling is a must and surround yourself with supportive, positive people. So sorry about your mom's passing. Best wishes.

DDLesh

I hate to say this and you are going to hate to hear it, but TIME. When my ex and I got a divorce I was devastated, not to mention was still suffering from postpartum depression. I went through the same thing, wanting to know where he is and what he is doing. It was one of the worst times of my life and I was a mess with two little ones under 4. Some days were better than others and some days just plain SUCKED! This is a process and the more you try to push it away it the harder it's going to be later. Get out of the house, spend time with friends, take a class, pick up a hobby, whatever you need to do to distract yourself and prove to yourself that there is life outside of him.... a wonderful, beautiful life.
Be aware of your feelings when you are experiencing them, good and bad. When you feel a strong emotion, sit back and take a few moments to just feel it, be in that moment! If it's a negative feeling, the sooner it will pass if you just embrace that it is there and you are human and experiencing emotion. Don't beat yourself up for being emotional, you are human and you should embrace it! I know it's a different way of looking at it, but it really helped me!
After a while things will even out and you will be OK. Promise!!!! My heart goes out for you and know that you are not alone in this!

luvmycandies

Well...In 2004 I was divorced myself after 8 yr relationship. He found someone younger and skinnier. (but not prettier, lol) JK>

Anyway, I went thru a lot of private counseling to overcome this and it REALLY helped. I found my friends and family could only help so much. Some how a complete stranger can give a better perspective on things. There are stages on grief, and when you hit the angry phrase you will feel much better.

You need to be strong for your girls. Put all your hurt into something productive. My mother also died a few years ago. So I feel your pain. You need to find something positive to focus on, join a support group. It all really helps. I wish you all the luck in new life. I leaned on friends when I needed to and talked about it as much as i needed. And in time I healed and so will u! Add me if you want and we can talk anytime you want. I definitely know what your going thru.

mmk137

I'm not divorced (yet), but I have been separated for 18 months. I have 2 kids aged 3 & 5.
You just have to take each day as it comes.
You need time to heal, you need time to discover who you are again. And that takes time. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to hate him, hate him. If you need to get angry, get angry. But in time you will learn not to hate him, and you wont be angry anymore.
Yes it's tough, but if you have a good support network you can get through it.

Feel free to add me.

nonafit

I think there is no easy route out when you are the one had been doing the holding one and the person had been on the letting go. For me its better to go through the whole cycle of self sympathizing, getting angry, letting go and taking charge. The faster you get through the phases its the better it is.

_gwen

It's not easy, and it hurts. I found solace in finding other divorcees (women and men) who had gone through the same experience. If they could get through it, so could I. That's all I could focus on. I spent quite a few hours in bed crying and staring at the ceiling. Eventually that got old. There are resources online and in your community. Try the library for starters.

It's scary to be alone. I don't have kids, but I would anticipate they are feeling scared you might leave them too. A family therapist might help. Hugging your kids, telling them you love them, and encouraging them to talk to you probably won't make things worse.

Take care and good luck.

aprylkemper

I am so sorry for you; I know from experience how hard it is to go through that. My ex left me a few days before I had my youngest son. My older son was 4 and I had a newborn. I was panicked, in a financial crisis and I felt like the world was falling in. The husband situation would be hard enough and it breaks my heart to hear you say that you had to go through this along with losing your mom.
What got me through was I started going back to church and started reading the bible. I know that isn't a pc answer but that really is all that got me through it. I found support there in a divorcecare ministry and some counseling for my son, who truly needed just a male counselor - someone who he could feel cared about him when it didn't seem like his dad did.
Take things one day at a time - spend time reflecting on things, take time to do some relaxing for yourself and try your best to find time with friends who will be there for you.
Time will get you through it - it's been over 4 years for me now and looking back I couldn't have planned it any better.

d_llopez

I divorced a long time ago. You just need to REALIZE that if he loved you and if he wanted you he'd be there. He wouldn't hurt you whether it's physical or emotional. Remind yourself everyday that you kids are important and if he doesn't want to be with you then so be it.
Try to be more involved in different activities...point is, is to stay BUSY. You don't need him to become a good mom or a good person. You will move on because there are tons of people out there to meet.
YOU HAVE TO REMIND YOURSELF EVERDAY! He left you so there's no need to want him. He doesn't care or else he'd be right by your side. END OF STORY.
I'm happily married again and i wouldn't trade him & kids for the world. Best decision i have ever made-keep moving forward and don't look back!!!!!

sunkisses

From personal experience, any man who ever told me he could not be the man I needed him to be was absolutely right.

Convince yourself that his leaving is actually a good thing.

Run. I don't know how it works, but it just stops the cyclical thoughts. I was never married, but I went through something akin to divorce. Running was the closest I ever felt to happiness during that time. If you can't run yet, just walk hard and fast for as long as you can stand it. You'll feel the effects of it for hours afterward. Mentally and physically.

Remember that no matter what happens --you're going to be ok. You will always be ok.

tracy337

Run. I don't know how it works, but it just stops the cyclical thoughts. I was never married, but I went through something akin to divorce. Running was the closest I ever felt to happiness during that time. If you can't run yet, just walk hard and fast for as long as you can stand it. You'll feel the effects of it for hours afterward. Mentally and physically.

Remember that no matter what happens --you're going to be ok. You will always be ok.

^^ Yup^^ For me this has been HUGE! I LOVE to go for walks/jogs gives me time to think, prioritize, and work through a lot of feelings.

shakemybooty

I'm so sorry for all your going through. I can say divorce was like a death for me. There's a healthy dose of denial, then a whole lot of grief, then a giant helping of anger, and then it didn't really matter any more. I was remarried to a great man within a couple of years.

It took a while but after all the divorce dust settled I have managed to have a really good relationship with my ex. We communicate constantly about our child and both do our best to make sure he's not missing any family events in either of our families. It's really the best it could possibly be post-divorce and it surprises anyone who sees all of us together Just had a class reunion and my husband and ex were joking along while my high school friends looked on with their eyebrows arched. I never would have thought that was possibly ever when my marriage was ending. It was full on war between us.

You just keep getting through each day until the day your realize you aren't STRUGGLING so hard to get through each day.

justMzMimi

Hello. I am sorry to hear about your situation. I am divorced and although my situation is different from yours I can say that it will take time. Time is the only thing that will help you because it takes time for your feelings to change. It may even take you a little more time since your spouse presented this to you and it seems like you were not aware of the possibility of this happening. Focus and you and your children and I believe you will eventually be fine. I had to focus on making myself better and once I started doing that he started fading into the background and I came to the realization that he was an idiot for messing up such a good thing but he definitely did me a favor by doing it because he did not even deserve me.

stacimusmax

I am currently separated from my husband. He told me he wanted a divorce 3/31/11. I found out about the other woman 4/17/11. He moved out of the bedroom within days. We tried to live in the same house for a few months (for financial reasons). I finally told him to move out in July when he continued to contact his former gf. He moved out on 8/16/11. He tells me he just needs space and to concentrate on himself b/c he doesn't know what he wants. He is extremely depressed and is not making good choices.

I, too, have no clue how to let him go. We have been married for 20 years. He is my best friend. We have been together more than half our lives. He is so distant at this time. He makes comments about "taking baby steps" toward trying to reconcile. However, his actions do not show it. He is struggling with something within himself that only he and God can fix. I know the good man inside him but he is not here right now.

I don't know if our marriage is salvagable. I am quite hurt and angry myself. I always knew I was going to spend my life with this man. I imagined growing old with him. He was my only love. I don't know how long I am supposed to sit in limbo. Most days I am strong. I am good at putting on a great facade. However, inside I feel like I am losing my life.

Sometimes, I think that maybe I should just go ahead and initiate the divorce. That way I could be free to find a man who will love me, enjoy being with me, and that will treat me the way a husband should treat a wife. I know I want to give those same things to the man I am to spend the rest of my life with.

So, I don't have an answer but I do understand your pain...feel free to add me