The personal space allowance in a relationship

livnlite

I noted a lot of control issues between couples, have been discussed on this forum lately .. and wondered what your opinions are on personal space.

When couples cultivate a bond and actually commit, I assume it's because they not only love each other, but like each other. I find it disturbing, however, that there is such a population that suffer common repercussions of one person wanting full control over their partner and very serious issues experienced by over compensating for the lack of trust and respect.

Back up into the 50's .. it was common for the husband to be domineering over the wife. It was a very chauvinistic time. To the point,where physical and verbal abuse was expected not just accepted. It seems these days, a large percentage of our male/female population have done a 180. Women are becoming more and more domineering to the point where there partner is not even allowed to have his own friends (without her approval, on each one) or allowed to hang around with his buddies (because it bothers HER). I understand why it is important to discuss financial issues because it affects the household .. THAT is a given .. But that's not what I am talking about. I am talking about allowing your partner to think for himself. There seems to be such a lack of tolerance and compromise, and I'm finding it increasingly disturbing.

Personally, my attitude is .. I want my partner to be with me because he WANTS to .. not because he feels obligated. I have been fortunate enough to find someone who treats me and respects me not only as his wife, but as an individual...and I return the favour.

That seems to work for us .. and has been for over 35 years. I have to admit, we haven't always experienced this level of ease. In the beginning when we experienced our 'growing pains', like everyone else. We had a lot of issues to iron out, and as we developed fundamentally, we grew together instead of apart.

Sgriffin2382

I think ultimately, it all comes down to trust. But honestly, if you don't trust your partner, why be together anyway?

livnlite

double post .. Geesh that happens a lot!

La_Amazona

I agree. Sadly, I have learned this the hard way.

I grew up in an unstable home not learning what is healthy and what is not. Because of this, I learned to fear love. I was scared to get hurt, to be vulnerable, I suppose. So in my own head, I thought controlling my surroundings was a great idea that way I could control what could hurt me, what couldn't. Obviously this plan sucks, especially for those that I loved.

I have learned alot in my 20's. I've had to learn through trial and error and through many tears.

I would have loved to be the cool girl who was confident and secure but no matter what, I couldn't.

So glad I'm 32 now that has learned from her mistakes. I want to be in a healthy relationship where I'm secure and safe because I was already BEFORE him. I desire to give them the freedom to love me, no matter the risk.

I think controlling issues stem from fear about 95% of the time...

livnlite

I think ultimately, it all comes down to trust. But honestly, if you don't trust your partner, why be together anyway?

Ultimately .. yes you're right .. But, in a new relationship ... there often isn't an over abundance of trust. Trust develops as you get to know each other, and learn how to compromise. You aren't born with the ability, it's a learned skill.

You don't only have to give to get .. you have to loosen your grip to get a better grasp.

Sepa

I never see why people in relationships need to control each other. My dad was very controlling over my mum and maybe this allowed me to see how unhealthy this is in a relationship. I have been with my partner for 6 years (i wass 16 when we first got together) and we have just bought a house together, The reason we work is because when we are together we are like one person, we are very similar and still make each other laugh. We also know how to allow (if allow is the right word here) each other to be individuals. If i want to go out for drinks with my friends i go. I tell him where i am going and he calls me to make sure i arrived safely. If he wants to go out he also does. We are not people who expect to know where all the money has gone. As long as all our bills get paid the rest of the money we earn is ours to do what we like with. My partner is my best friend. It seems a shame that alot of people seem to insecure to really enjoy being in a relationship. I love my partner for who he is - not what he could be

Carl01

I think it gets back to what schools have been enforcing for the bast 25 years or so...not just have self esteem but to feel you are the center of the universe and must be placated.

starwhisperer

My husband is Military and it is all about trust. When he is deployed I can't control what he is doing just like he can't control what i am doing. We, long ago, realized we don't really want to control each other anyway. Heck i have enough of a job taking care of me. I tell new wives all the time that they can worry and hassle and nag or they can relax. The outcome will be no different because no amount of annoying another human will actually change the way they think or act. Besides I am married to a man, not a kid so why would I treat him like a kid?

livnlite

I never see why people in relationships need to control each other. My dad was very controlling over my mum and maybe this allowed me to see how unhealthy this is in a relationship. I have been with my partner for 6 years (i wass 16 when we first got together) and we have just bought a house together, The reason we work is because when we are together we are like one person, we are very similar and still make each other laugh. We also know how to allow (if allow is the right word here) each other to be individuals. If i want to go out for drinks with my friends i go. I tell him where i am going and he calls me to make sure i arrived safely. If he wants to go out he also does. We are not people who expect to know where all the money has gone. As long as all our bills get paid the rest of the money we earn is ours to do what we like with. My partner is my best friend. It seems a shame that alot of people seem to insecure to really enjoy being in a relationship. I love my partner for who he is - not what he could be

Sounds like a very healthy relationship to me .. Good for you!

juleseybaby

Depends on the couple.

I agree there has been a flip-flop in roles for some. I tend to handle everything - my hubs is quiet and shy. If he doesn't want to talk about something - he just won't answer. :huh: We are trying to come to a happy medium though because the kids have made it very obvious that I am the one with the perceived authority and we really need to share that.

alyssa92982

It does come down to trust. My husband basically has a**hole friends who of which are married w kids. These guys when they hang out w. Him speak of sleeping w other women and what have ya. Its hard to hear of this and try to trust him(knowing his background was not the greatest)

wamaverick

I think people who have control & trust issues (myself big time) need to take a step back and put their feelings into the words of the heart instead of talking about all the things from the brain.

I use to get so mad at my boyfriend for coming home late, but what it really came down to when I thought about it was the fact that when he came home late (he's in college and studying a lot) I wasn't concerned that he was out cheating its was because he'd come home and snore so horribly that he couldn't have gotten a peaceful night sleep and would keep me up and then the next day we'd both be tired and angry and a fight would brew.

After this came out in counseling and I finally was able to put my finger on why it bothered me so, he thought about it and realized it was true.

I"m no expert in relationships...I have a childhood of trust issues and hurts...but I've had to teach myself to stop and really figure out in the heart why it bothers me so and talk about it aside from the issue. I'm thankful for the MAN I am with because we have changed together drastically in the last few months after realizing we were drawn together by the big man upstairs. Honestly in my 32 years this has been the most rewarding relationship I have every had with a guy...he is my soul mate and respects me as much as I respect him.

He also rubs feet and does dishes...what can I say!

wrevhn

well, my hubby and i do not have this issue. i married a mix of my father and myself, but with a good boy halo. we are around each other constantly since we first met 4 years ago. he even calls me at work all day if he has a chance. we are best friends and virtually connected at the hip. while i don't think all couples should be connected at the hip, i did think love and marriage meant finding "your other half". i know i feel complete with mine around, and like someone took my lung or legs away (like somethings missing) when he is gone. i think it is different for different ppl. but i think it IS SUPPOSE TO BE a GOOD thing. not bad or annoying. might be wrong pair ups if its bad.

lizziebeth1028

I noted a lot of control issues between couples, have been discussed on this forum lately .. and wondered what your opinions are on personal space.

When couples cultivate a bond and actually commit, I assume it's because they not only love each other, but like each other. I find it disturbing, however, that there is such a population that suffer common repercussions of one person wanting full control over their partner and very serious issues experienced by over compensating for the lack of trust and respect.

Back up into the 50's .. it was common for the husband to be domineering over the wife. It was a very chauvinistic time. To the point,where physical and verbal abuse was expected not just accepted. It seems these days, a large percentage of our male/female population have done a 180. Women are becoming more and more domineering to the point where there partner is not even allowed to have his own friends (without her approval, on each one) or allowed to hang around with his buddies (because it bothers HER). I understand why it is important to discuss financial issues because it affects the household .. THAT is a given .. But that's not what I am talking about. I am talking about allowing your partner to think for himself. There seems to be such a lack of tolerance and compromise, and I'm finding it increasingly disturbing.

Personally, my attitude is .. I want my partner to be with me because he WANTS to .. not because he feels obligated. I have been fortunate enough to find someone who treats me and respects me not only as his wife, but as an individual...and I return the favour.

That seems to work for us .. and has been for over 35 years. I have to admit, we haven't always experienced this level of ease. In the beginning when we experienced our 'growing pains', like everyone else. We had a lot of issues to iron out, and as we developed fundamentally, we grew together instead of apart.

35 years, that is so beautiful!!! My boyfriend and I have been dating almost 4 years and I have to say this is the healthiest happiest relationship I've ever been in! We have mutual respect for each other, we LIKE each other as friends and of course we love each other:))) We understand the importance of personal space and trust each other so grabbing a bit of 'ME' time is not an issue. I see so many people is such smothering possessive relationships.....so unhealthy!

manderson27

A committed relationship should be a partnership. As far as I am concerned you each trust and support each other, it is not about who is in control, sometimes I make the decision and sometimes my husband does. Mostly we do it together. We have different strengths and weaknesses and each one of us compensates for the other in some way.

Sarahbara76

Some people have to control other people in every relationship. They make great CEO or Management but terrible mates if they let it get out of control. My boyfriend is guilty of this type personality and I used to be the same way so we fought all the time. I relaxed out a bit because love should be given freely, You should not have to be molded into the perfect mate by trying to be in charge of every move they make. Not your job! Minor personality changes can be made for self improvement but not by your mate. These should come from within.
Handling it in my own case is a battle at times and worth it sometimes too but I don't know how long it can last being controlled is stifling and sometimes suffocates me.

kmbrooks15

I think it gets back to what schools have been enforcing for the bast 25 years or so...not just have self esteem but to feel you are the center of the universe and must be placated.

AMEN. There is a fine line between having a solid self-esteem and thinking you are the center of the universe, and very few people get it just right. It seems to be one extreme or the other. The way schools and other environments (kids' sports are guilty, too!) don't want to let kids fail and learn from their mistakes in case we "damage their psyche"...it's such bull. I made mistakes growing up, and still do, and have learned some of my most valuable life lessons through those mistakes. Kids also need to learn that they can't always win and will sometimes lose; if they don't learn that, then they feel a sense of entitlement. I saw this at the college I worked at; students blamed the professor if they failed a class--no responsibility on their part.

To relate this to weight loss...how many obese people do you see that blame everyone for their weight except themselves? It's McDonald's fault, or Burger King's fault--instead of recognizing that he or she drove themselves there and put the food into their own mouth.

This translates into relationships, too. My husband was very domineering, and because he was a minister, I felt a lot of pressure to stay in the marriage. He finally gave me an excuse (and one that even Christians couldn't argue with--he was molesting our daughter), and I was so relieved to be out of the marriage. Before the divorce could be finalized, he took his own life, another act of pure selfishness. To me, that's what the controlling boils down to...selfishness. The person wants things his or her own way and leaves no room for the other person in the relationship to have an opinion lest he/she not get his/her way.

wrevhn

Some people have to control other people in every relationship. They make great CEO or Management but terrible mates if they let it get out of control.

well said!

livnlite

Depends on the couple.

I agree there has been a flip-flop in roles for some. I tend to handle everything - my hubs is quiet and shy. If he doesn't want to talk about something - he just won't answer. :huh: We are trying to come to a happy medium though because the kids have made it very obvious that I am the one with the perceived authority and we really need to share that.

Yes, I am elated to hear you identify THAT lack of a support system...hopefully, he will too. The problem is not just about your hubby's lack of involvement in disciplinarian activities, because how it makes HIM feel .. It should NEVER be about HIM .. It should be about what you BOTH can offer your kids. It's should be about what impressions you give you kids about our roles in life. Sounds cliche but nothing rings more truth than "We are our kids best role models".

I wish you all the best ... Good luck!

Sepa

I think ultimately, it all comes down to trust. But honestly, if you don't trust your partner, why be together anyway?

Ultimately .. yes you're right .. But, in a new relationship ... there often isn't an over abundance of trust. Trust develops as you get to know each other, and learn how to compromise. You aren't born with the ability, it's a learned skill.

You don't only have to give to get .. you have to loosen your grip to get a better grasp.

I think that the start of a relationship should be when you trust the most. I have trusted my partner all through our relationship. He will only ever loose my trust if he does something to loose it. Why worry about something that wont be changed by worrying. If someone wants to cheat they will do it if you worry or not. I do see why people find it hard to trust tho and why some choose to wait before they can trust someone new in a relationship,

kpxfiles

The best relationships that I have seen are the ones built on friendship. You wouldn't be with a friend 24/7. You also don't fight with a friend 24/7.

I learned that trust and friendship are the foundation of a great relationship. The heathliest relationship I had was with my last ex. We did our own thing during the week. We would call or text once a day. We would go out when we had a chance. We established our own lives. We shared intimate secrets. I never felt judged by him, and I never judged him. We rarely fought. It didn't work out because we had two different life goals, but we are still good friends.

I know from my own experience that when I felt really bad about myself, I allowed others to treat me bad. I feel sad when I see people in really bad relationships. It is such a waste of time and energy. I went through a bad relationship before and I would never do that to myself again.

livnlite

I think it gets back to what schools have been enforcing for the bast 25 years or so...not just have self esteem but to feel you are the center of the universe and must be placated.

AMEN. There is a fine line between having a solid self-esteem and thinking you are the center of the universe, and very few people get it just right. It seems to be one extreme or the other. The way schools and other environments (kids' sports are guilty, too!) don't want to let kids fail and learn from their mistakes in case we "damage their psyche"...it's such bull. I made mistakes growing up, and still do, and have learned some of my most valuable life lessons through those mistakes. Kids also need to learn that they can't always win and will sometimes lose; if they don't learn that, then they feel a sense of entitlement. I saw this at the college I worked at; students blamed the professor if they failed a class--no responsibility on their part.

To relate this to weight loss...how many obese people do you see that blame everyone for their weight except themselves? It's McDonald's fault, or Burger King's fault--instead of recognizing that he or she drove themselves there and put the food into their own mouth.

This translates into relationships, too. My husband was very domineering, and because he was a minister, I felt a lot of pressure to stay in the marriage. He finally gave me an excuse (and one that even Christians couldn't argue with--he was molesting our daughter), and I was so relieved to be out of the marriage. Before the divorce could be finalized, he took his own life, another act of pure selfishness. To me, that's what the controlling boils down to...selfishness. The person wants things his or her own way and leaves no room for the other person in the relationship to have an opinion lest he/she not get his/her way.

Oh, my goodness, Hon .. what a terrible story to have to tell. I am so sorry for the hardship you endured. I hope all is well now. I am mortified to hear about your ex's behaviour. I wish I could offer you more words of comfort.

Blessings to you and your family.

Sepa

This translates into relationships, too. My husband was very domineering, and because he was a minister, I felt a lot of pressure to stay in the marriage. He finally gave me an excuse (and one that even Christians couldn't argue with--he was molesting our daughter), and I was so relieved to be out of the marriage. Before the divorce could be finalized, he took his own life, another act of pure selfishness. To me, that's what the controlling boils down to...selfishness. The person wants things his or her own way and leaves no room for the other person in the relationship to have an opinion lest he/she not get his/her way.
[/quote]

im so sorry this happened to your daughter. Seems like your (ex)husband took the easy way out. I hope your daughter is ok and suffers no long term effects of what her father did to her.

StressedChaos

Women are becoming more and more domineering to the point where there partner is not even allowed to have his own friends (without her approval, on each one) or allowed to hang around with his buddies (because it bothers HER). I understand why it is important to discuss financial issues because it affects the household .. THAT is a given .. But that's not what I am talking about. I am talking about allowing your partner to think for himself. There seems to be such a lack of tolerance and compromise, and I'm finding it increasingly disturbing.

I can't agree more! My fiance has a friend that he has been best friends with for over 15 years. They have been extremely close and are each like family the the other's entire family. They even had plans to be each other's best man. Well, he got engaged to a girl who apparently doesn't lke either me or my fiance, not sure which, and now they guy isn't 'allowed' to talk to my fiance.

It's not just the people who try to control their partner, it's the partner that lets them do it that really drives me crazy!

livnlite

I think ultimately, it all comes down to trust. But honestly, if you don't trust your partner, why be together anyway?

Ultimately .. yes you're right .. But, in a new relationship ... there often isn't an over abundance of trust. Trust develops as you get to know each other, and learn how to compromise. You aren't born with the ability, it's a learned skill.

You don't only have to give to get .. you have to loosen your grip to get a better grasp.

I think that the start of a relationship should be when you trust the most. I have trusted my partner all through our relationship. He will only ever loose my trust if he does something to loose it. Why worry about something that wont be changed by worrying. If someone wants to cheat they will do it if you worry or not. I do see why people find it hard to trust tho and why some choose to wait before they can trust someone new in a relationship,

In theory, maybe .. but in reality that's very seldom the case. You may have found someone who is very trustworthy. But consideirng your fortune experience, I would never consider that the 'rule'.

Generally speaking, I don't know one single case where trust wasn't cultivated. It's human nature to be suspicious through the years of learning about disappointment and consequences. Life's lessons teach us one important thing ..and that is to not be naive and trust every one, at all costs, under any circumstance. If you do, you are in for a lifetime of heart ache. Being trusting comes more easily to a child ... Being cautious most often develops as we grow older.

Trusting someone is a personal and conscious choice you make, after contemplating facts and experiences. Then and only then can you commit to trusting someone. For some people that come into your life, it may be easier than others due to some sort of chi affect (your gut feeling) .. sometimes, if you have made the wrong choices in choosing who to trust, you may find yourself a little 'gun shy'.