Before, After and Now

YogiGirlLucy · October 2011

My Story:

I was always slim growing up, and late to develop. I never had to worry about weight. And then in my mid-twenties, I started drinking a lot and eating more and before I knew it, I had gone from a size 4 to a size 10, pushing a 12. At my heaviest, I was 160 pounds. I was the biggest person in my whole family, and I hated being that big, but I was so absorbed in my lifestyle that I didn't really want to do anything about it. And then when I was in my early thirties, I realized how unhappy I was. I was stressed at work and unhappy in my marriage. I was drinking every day, and eating and eating, and not working out. I decided to get a divorce. At this time, I wasn't ready to give up the drinking, but I was ready to give up the food. I cut out carbs, and then started cutting out more and more. I was happy drinking my calories in wine. I started losing weight and dropping sizes. My daily intake would usually consist of a can of tuna for lunch and a cesar salad for dinner, maybe some sun chips for a snack, and a couple bottles of wine. Time went by and I would go all day without eating, and then just eat a cesar salad for dinner. I wasn't hungry, I was fine as long as I had my wine. I finally reached size zero. I was probably somewhere around 100 +/- pounds. It wasn't good enough. I still wanted to be smaller...the calories from the wine was likely all that kept me from that. I spent my days drinking and shopping. It was fun to shop when everything fit, or was too big. I began to have serious problems because of lack of food and an abundance of alcohol however. Passing out, trips to the hospital. Finally an intervention landed me in rehab. I was 92 pounds at that time. Once in rehab, and detoxed, I worked out religiously and kept my calories low. I couldn't give that up, too. I'm not sure how low I actually dropped there because I did not have continued access to a scale, but when I came home and my family picked me up from the airport I saw the concern in their eyes. They would later tell me I looked like a popsicle stick with a big head on top. I remained sober for about a year, and during this time I managed to keep my weight relatively low. I wasn't working out, just restricting calories. I was so used to this, that I honestly wasn't hungry. I did get back up to a little over 100 pounds, but I was okay with this as I was still an XXS or XS, a zero or even a double zero. When I relapsed, it was bad. I was worse than when I went to rehab previously. I was hopelessly thin, and very sick. My parents sent me back to rehab. I arrived there at about 90 pounds, and I am sure I lost some of that in the first week of withdrawal as it was an excruciating process. Once through the detox, I started eating a little bit more out of fear for my life, and I started working out. I was happy to be alive and healthier, but not happy to come home with a weight gain. I was able to come to terms with this however because I knew I was still small, but deep down inside I knew I wanted to be smaller. Several years passed and I managed to keep at a size 0-2, weight 105-110. Then I started to have some problems. I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism. I was working 50 hours a week in a stressful job, plus working in a restaurant on the weekends. I was still restricting calories, and was lacking in B vitamins and minerals. I started having panic attacks, and dizzy spells, heart palpitations and tremors. I again feared for my life. After getting no answers from my doctors, I turned to holistic medicine. I went to two different doctors and got similar diagnoses. I had Adrenal Exhaustion, along with thyroid issues. I was Anemic, and my body was shutting down. It took three months of constant care, acupuncture, chinese medicine, herbal supplements, a total change in diet including giving up gluten, but I finally got well. I gained a little bit of weight and was holding steady at about 115-120, a decent size 2. And then I hit 41. It got more and more difficult to maintain a low body weight. I was no longer willing to starve myself. Of course I still wanted to be thin, but I also wanted to be healthy. So I started working out. I started power yoga. This gave me more respect for my body. It made me want to take better care of it. So, now I am at about 129, size 2/4, mostly 4. Sometimes I bounce all the way up to 132 or 133 which really freaks me out. I would like to be at 125. Heck, the truth is I would love to bet 110 or 115, but at what cost? I am not willing to push my body that far anymore. But even so, I still mourn the loss of the skinny me. I still look longingly at the photos of me at my lowest weight. That is raw honesty. That may never go away, but the difference now is that I can control that and be strong and healthy and know I am serving my body the best way I can. And while the best I can is not 1,200 calories, and most of the time not 1,000 calories, I give my body what I feel that it needs and I try to fuel it with healthy food, and I do not feel like I am depriving myself. I've come a long way to get to this point. I am willing to admit I still have issues with food, wanting to be thin, but I am sober nearly 8 years, I am eating a lot more normally and I am learning to accept myself.

I wanted to share my story in case anyone can relate to this.

I have posted some pics. Before (at 160), after (somewhere in the 90's), and now (the healthier me). The me that is falling somewhere in the middle and trying to be okay with that.

At my heaviest: 160lbs

At nearly my lowest, 90+lbs

And now...

LadyGhostDuchess · October 2011

Thank you for sharing your story with us! I am so proud of you for being sober now for 8 years! That is really fantastic! You look really amazing in your pictures. I wish I could look that amazing! Paint me green with envy! You look great! If you are looking for any MFP friends feel free to add me! Again, you look great and congrats on being sober for 8 years, that is a great thing!

mummy_gerdes · October 2011

thanks for sharing - it must have taken alot of courage! you are doing brillaintly so congratualtions you look amazing now. xxx

IslandHopperKW · October 2011

Thank you for sharing your touching story! Congratulations on how far you've come! You look gorgeous and healthy!

IslandHopperKW · October 2011

Thank you for sharing your touching story! Congratulations on how far you've come! You look gorgeous and healthy!

asyouseefit · October 2011

Your story has really touched me. Maybe because I also have an history of ED and I relate very strongly to some parts of your story (including the longing to be skinny...). For you, however, it was a doubly tough journey and you made it! You must be so proud of yourself! Congrats!

jo_can_do · October 2011

Wow... thats quite a story... thanks so much for sharing it all. I have to say you look absolutely gorgeous now. Healthy and vibrant and slim.... You are awesome!!!:flowerforyou:

fimm · October 2011

Thank you for sharing your story so honestly with us.

YogiGirlLucy · October 2011

Thank you all for your support!

BeanyFrog13 · October 2011

Wow, you look absolutely amazing! It took guts to share your story like you did, you're an inspiration!

Purecity · October 2011

Thank you for sharing! Your story is incredible and congrats on your sobriety as well as your body acceptance. You look amazing and are now stronger than ever

johnny_k · October 2011

Thank you for sharing your journey, I know it took a tremendous amount of courage to do so. I applaud you for your sobriety and combating negative body image issues. You look fantastic and seem to have achieved a level of peace with yourself. I wish you continued success in your life's journey.

silvergurl518 · October 2011

i am SO proud of you! i can't imagine the double whammy of an eating disorder and alcoholism. i suffer(ed) from the latter and have been sober over 4 years now! sober sisters doing awesomely = us! so happy that you're healthy!!!

bluebird321 · October 2011

Bump;)

Nic0522 · October 2011

Thank you for sharing your story. I can only imagine the difficulty in being so honest with yourself and being able to share that. You have come so far and look amazing!

cindaboo1 · October 2011

Congratulations on being sober for 8 years!!! That in itself is a great accomplishment and something to be very, very proud of!!! You look GREAT!!! I think you look your best now, because you look healthy and happy, ((hugs)) to you and congratulations again, thanks for sharing your story.

christina000 · October 2011

You look so wonderful now. Honestly I think you looked beautiful before as well at 160lbs. I am happy for you that you are well now, and please try not to worry about that number on the scale. You are healthy now, and that is what matters most.

LisaKyle11 · October 2011

you are truly inspirational, Lucy. thanks for taking the time to post this. you look amazing and are beautiful inside and out!

LisaKyle11 · October 2011

oh...and yes, i can surely relate, in a handful of ways... but i think we've already established some of that. :-)

tiggerbounce411 · October 2011

First of all, Congrats on your sobriety, that is A HUGE deal. Secondly, you now look amazing at your healthier weight. I know that has to be a horrible stuggle, but I respect that you acknowledge it is still and that you resist being unhealthy thin. You look fantastic in your healthy weight and I am glad you shared your story. Weight can be a struggle for people in either direction, either too high, or too low and it takes a lot to own that and share with others. Thank you for your story and I hope you continue to maintain your healthy weight, you look great!

TriumphNow · October 2011

Congratulations on 8 years of sobriety! I hope your health is as good as you look now. I'm sure someone that has struggled with the same issues as you will be helped in countless ways by your honesty. I wish you all the best