Who else has an overweight significant other?

Joelflow

My wife and I are both overweight. I haven't really had any health problems yet, but my wife is pre-diabetic and has all sorts of issues. Since she is having issues, I figured it was time for us to finally get healthy. I've tried to motivate us to do so...buying healthier foods and working out, but after a few days she usually reverts back to old habits. This usually makes me revert back also...but this time I've managed to keep myself motivated with the help of this site (thanks guys). I thought that by me losing weight and working out and showing her a healthier me would motivate her to want to do better, buys it has actually had an opposite effect and she has been getting depressed. I try to include her buy she continues to quit after a day or so.

What should I do?

maddymama

"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink."
It is so frustrating to be in this position, but you can only change yourself. She has to make the decision to help herself.

SueInAz

That's a tough question and one I wish I could help with. However, I haven't been able to motivate my husband at all and I've been at this since March. He's not seriously overweight, but he could definitely stand to lose a few pounds, and is genetically at risk for diabetes so I'm starting to worry about him.

Perhaps it's time for both of us to sit our spouses down and explain to them our feelings on the matter, including the worry for their future health. Something I've learned is that you can't force someone to get healthy, it's a decision they have to make on their own. All we can do is to gently make the point over and over again until they finally decide it's time to take action.

jamhamster

I'm not sure there is much you can do, you need to be in the right frame of mind to get healthy and if she's not ready she will fail. I have been there many times thinking I should loose weight but wasn't at all ready so weight can back and I gave up quickly. I think the only thing you can do is keep going and trying to show her support, maybe at some point as you loose it may give her the incentive to join you

lbigham1

You're doing great. Don't give up on her. Continue to be an example and be sure to invite her on walks and other activities.

mashanda

I would say counseling it has helped me. I think counseling helps deal with a lot of issues. Maybe you can start of as couple and then she could do individual.

mermx

First of all many congratularions on your weight loss so far :-)

With you wife, I really don`t know what to suggest only to try to give her support and tell her that you love her. Maybe, she thinks that you are criticising her for being overweight? (I am sure you are not)

Maybe she has some close freidns, or you have friends as a couple? Perhaps you could have chat with them and try to do things as a foursome, walks and stuff so she has a female freind on board?

As someone else has said you can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink.

Your wife needs to want to make the changes.

But good luck x

GetMySkiniBack

I agree with other posters. Just let her know that when she is ready, you are there to help - you are her support, not her enemy. And if she wonders why she looks the same and you look so much better, you can tell her it's because you're working hard. I just wish she was supporting you as well. My husband can also stand to lose a few pounds (esp around the middle - heart helath!) but only exercises sporadically. My problem is having the will-power to say no to his snacks and junk food. Just hold your own, and she'll come around.

angel_babyz25

My husband isnt much into the working out thing either. He has diabetes, and hemochromatosis (too much iron in his blood) and isnt really allowed to do much strenuous activity. He just started a new job though, after being out of commission for over 1 year, so just him being up and around will make him lose weight quickly..

For your wifey, if she's not able to get motivated, I reccomend a diet pill called Phentermine. She can either see a local doctor who does diet plans and will RX it for her, or she can order it online. It doesnt require any exercise, but most Dr's will only let people be on it for 3 months, and can only stay on it for 3 months if the Dr's notice any changes in the weight within the first few weeks. I used it last year for 2 months, then moved out of state. But I didnt do any workouts at all, and I lost 20 lbs ya'll! 1 pill per day works wonders! Then maybe after she sees the awesomeness, she might be motivated after that!?

Good luck to you both! And if she needs any encouragement from another woman, she's more than welcome to add me on here, or on facebook : https://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=1462446062

kerryh1976

My hubby has been overweight to varying degrees all his life; since we met (nearly 15 years ago) my weight has also fluctuated. After the birth of our youngest son (now 4) I decided to get back into shape and stay that way. I hit target 18 months ago (I have since slightly lowered it) and have been running for over 2 years and am training for my first half marathon. I am the healthiest and fittest I have been all of my life. My diet and fitness does not seem to have any positive impact on my other half - he will diet from time to time but rarely loses more than a stone or two and quickly puts it back on (he could do to lose 4) and despite the healthy meals I cook for the family, he buys cookies/sweets etc for himself as he chooses.

I have tried everything - encouragement, nagging, pleading, reasoning, bribery ...... even the fact he is setting a bad example for our two boys doesn't seem to bother him. I have resigned myself to the fact that he will do it as and when (and if ever) he is ready, but it is not easy. I find myself getting quite cross with him even when I don't mean to, particularly when I have cooked a meal and then an hour later he is pigging out. I am genuinely concerned about his health (we are nearing 40) and what the future holds for us both; I already have so much more energy than him and again, its hard to be patient and understanding about this when I know he has the power to change it for himself.

So I can totally sympathise with you, and your wish to try and motivate your other half to make the changes she needs to. If anyone has any ideas share, but for now I am resigned to pursuing my own goals and just hoping he changes his ways before it is too late.

Good luck )

ilyahna

You know, I'm in a relationship where I am the overweight one, and my boyfriend is not. It seems counter-intuitive, but the fact that he never asked me to lose weight, never tried to pressure me or make me feel as though it was something he wanted me to do, inspired me to feel comfortable doing it for myself. I know that I, and I can imagine women in general who feel so pressured by our culture to look a certain way, have had a hard time finding the motivation to change for OURSELVES. Even when that motivation is accessible, it's hard to fully separate that from feeling as though appearances are the standard by which one is judged by everyone around them.

It could be that your wife is seeing your transformation, and worrying that if she can't get there alongside you, you will become fit and decide to discard her because you want to be with someone who matches the new you. Women are almost invariably creatures of feeling, not logic, and many of us ( I believe ) read into the things our men do and say and create emotional meanings where there are none.

It is true that your wife's motivation must come from within, but perhaps the way you handle or phrase things to her, from your desire to help her, might make her feel less frightened that you are judging her or unsatisfied in her. I certainly don't suggest that you have done this, but again, women don't always take their men at face value. Perhaps you can start small, and ask your wife to go with you one day a week to walk, and tell her that her company really helps motivate you. Women really respond to feeling as if their actions are nurturing or care-taking or part of some emotional bonding experience with their mate.

Do your best not to use any 'arguments' in favor of exercising, in the beginning, that she might construe as judgmental, such as warning her that her habits are bad for her health. While it may be true, I can tell you from my own experience that while I was trying to work out better eating habits and my boyfriend commented on my choices at virtually every meal, it made me mad and feel like I was not 'measuring up' no matter how hard I was trying. I talked to him about this, and he stopped, and instead replaced these comments with positive comments when I made good choices, or simply supported me silently. It's made a wonderful difference.

Remember, low self-esteem is a big, scary monster, and it's very tied to physical appearance for women in our society. Your emotional support and your good energy will go a long way toward helping her, as will your praise for everything that she does to improve herself. Hopefully, in time, she will develop the strength to harness her determination. She already has a great thing in a man that cares about her.

mleoni092708

I'm in the same boat. My hubby needs to lose at least 50 lbs and while he's supportive of my efforts, he's not on board yet. He does seem to be cranky more lately. I think it's because they see you doing it and know they should be too. I'm hoping he'll get cranky enough that he finally says "that's enough!" and joins me. Besides the health issues, I'm afraid it's going to cause conflict in our relationship if I'm full of energy and he wants to lay around all the time.

Phoenixsky13

Hmm thats hard. she may feel a little intimidated by your weight loss. She may feel that if you get fit and she dosnt you may lose interest in her. I think its important to remind her how much you love her and will continue to love her whether or not she loses weight. I would then focus on being healthy versus losing weight with her. Like cooking healthier meals, Switching up sugar for sugar free, full fat for lighter versions and just encourage activities that you both enjoy. Hopefully losing weight will be a side effect of an overall healthier lifestyle change.

yoshi91610

I've been the overweight wife for all of our marriage, but I ballooned after getting married then pregnant. He tried to plead with me, tried to get me encouragement, and all sorts of things, but it didn't register with me and I quite frankly didn't care that he was healthy and I wasn't.

I really think it is going to have to be her choice. I went through depression and hating myself because my husband looked good and I didn't. That didn't even get me started. One day though, it just clicked. I really could sit in the house all day, doing nothing, or I could go for a walk, and enjoy the day.

AwesomelyAmber

You can tell a smoker to quit smoking... You can tell an overweight person to diet... no one but no one is going to do things to make themselves healthier until they are ready. My husband is quite large (my profile pic doesn't do him justice in a good way at all) but he is a POWER HOUSE with a gut... He walks with me sometimes but he is not ready to lose the weight and it took me a while but I have realized that I cannot "make" him.

Joelflow

Thanks for the feedback guys... We work conflicting schedules, so it is tough to try to invite her into my excersizes...but I try on the days when we're off. I do most of the grocery shopping and I buy mostly healthy stuff, buy she simply buys fast food and junk on her own.

I've only been doing this hardcore for about a month and a half, so maybe I just need to remain patient and soon she'll come around. I don't want to pressure her too much.

cdpm

My boyfriend and I started losing weight together. He too fell back into old ways easily and although lost some, it wasn't as much as me. It's only just now when he is having pains in his back and side have returned, he's taking to it again. We started off with cutting down portion sizes (that was so hard, and sometimes still is) and then started to replace fatty foods with healthier options.
Some people take longer to take to the weight loss things than others. It may just need to be a slow & gradual process for her. The best thing you can do is offer support.
If it is something that she really wants to do, she will do it in her own time.

skinnybearlyndsay

In a way I know how you feel. I live with my parents (due to the economic climate around DC and the fact that half my gross pay goes to student loans) and my mother, my sister (same deal as me), and I are committed to this journey. However, my father is not and it's depressing to an extent that he doesn't get it. He even has health issues to contend with (Type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, degenerative arthritis) and will even say "we need to join a gym", but doesn't do anything about it. "Us females" in the house just say that we can control what we buy at the store and what's kept at home, but we can't control what he does outside of the home or what he decides to bring home.

I think eventually your good example for your wife will show her that the change is worth it, especially when you have so much more energy to go out and do things.

joyfulnoise27870

Not sure what to tell you other than to not let her hinder you from losing weight. Maybe if she sees how much better you feel and how much more energy you have it will help motivate her. But I agree that she is going to have to want to lose the weight first.
My husband and I started our weight loss journery in August 2010. We had gone to the dr and his weight was also affecting his health (pre-diabetic, high cholesterol, acid reflux). The dr told him that if he didn't do something he was going to have to start taking medication for cholesterol and diabetes. We asked the dr to give us 6 months to try to correct the problems through diet/exercise. Six months later, he had lost 65 lbs and was able to stop taking acid reflux meds and his cholesterol and sugar levels were normal. I had lost about 50 lbs in that time. He has maintained his weight loss and I have lost a total of 103 lbs (8 more lbs to go til I reach my goal). I can not tell you have much better we both feel and our dr is so happy. I will say it was easier having a partner to diet/work out with.
Keep up the good work and keep trying to include her - but be careful not to push her to hard. Maybe ask her to go on a walk with you or try a new recipe, etc.

Joelflow

Bump...

poisongirl6485

I'm in a similar position, except my husband isn't depressed. He used to be the skinny one (I'm talking like 150 lbs skinny) when I met him. I've always been overweight, but did put on quite a bit since we met 7 years ago.

I'm the one working out everyday, watching my intake, etc and have lost almost 20 lbs so far. I try to get him to join in, but he's not interested. I tell him that even if he just stopped drinking pop that he'd likely drop a bunch of weight, but he's not into it.

You can only do so much. Keep up the good work and just hope that someday your wife will get motivated by the example you're setting and your successes.