Losing weight and losing friends

Liluth

I've noticed something interesting as I've lost weight, gained a boyfriend and made other changes to my life. Namely I've lost friends over it.

One day a couple months ago, I got a scathing message from my best friend, telling me that I'd changed. For the worse. I wasn't the same person she enjoyed spending time with and I'd become, essentially, a stranger. The gist seemed to be that she wanted the old Erin back. The one that sat on the couch with her for hours and ate pints of Ben and Jerry's Well, that wasn't going to happen.

No more best friend. I was devastated.

You could say it was jealousy on her part, temporary insanity, or who knows? Maybe I did change for the worse.

So, tell me fellow MFPs, have you lost friends because you've lost weight? How have you adjusted to it? Do you feel losing the weight made you a different person, in personality? Open discussion .

MikeSEA

This former best friend essentially just defined you by the sum of your unhealthy actions. I think we're more than that. I don't know this person, but I think the problem was that your changes and success were making her realize how unhealthy she is. She wants someone to enable her bad habits. That isn't my definition of a friend. I'm not sure you lost much, quite frankly.

Lauren8239

Maybe she feels that you have nothing in common any more. After all, she wants to stay in her routine whether it's healthy or not, and you are trying to improve your health and life. Too bad she couldn't meet you half way. Her loss.

becca_21

This former best friend essentially just defined you by the sum of your unhealthy actions. I think we're more than that. I don't know this person, but I think the problem was that your changes and success were making her realize how unhealthy she is. She wants someone to enable her bad habits. That isn't my definition of a friend. I'm not sure you lost much, quite frankly.

This.

Liluth

Slowly, Mike, I've come to realize that. A major factor of her anger was that I made sure to compliment her on her beautiful body. I never said, plus size body. Just beautiful. It bothered her for about year before she told me, in that message. She thought I was being critical when she liked herself just the way she was. I thought I was telling her outright that she didn't have to change a darn thing to be my friend. So yes, I think we grew apart and it was for the best that it happened when it did.

It's still terribly unfortunate. She was my friend for a while there when I had no one else.

Liluth

*Accidental double post.

manderson27

People change in all kinds of ways not just because they become more healthy/active. A good friend will support you in the changes if they are good for you and may even join you. My friend and I have both given up smoking and are losing weight together.

However if you change and she doesn't or she feels left out of part of your life, then she is not going to be happy, and sadly it means that you may have to leave her behind.

jowings

This former best friend essentially just defined you by the sum of your unhealthy actions. I think we're more than that. I don't know this person, but I think the problem was that your changes and success were making her realize how unhealthy she is. She wants someone to enable her bad habits. That isn't my definition of a friend. I'm not sure you lost much, quite frankly.

Nail on the head!

I had a friend who was similar. I was going through a rough time in my life and I moved in with her and we were inseparable. We partied a lot, drank, enabled countless bad habits and thought that it was us against the world. Slowly, after a year of unhealthy habits and living, I decided to start picking up the pieces and fixing the issues instead of dulling/avoiding them.

My friend maintained the same lifestyle and we just grew apart. I think this is just a natural evolution and you have to keep in mind that you are doing what's best for you and if she can't support that, then she cannot be a good friend. While she said that I changed and that I was a completely different person, I pointed out that I wasn't a different person, just the person I was before I became unhealthy. The good habits, the healthy relationships, THAT was the real me and not the person that she desperately wanted me to be.

All I can say is stick to your guns and you know what is best for you. It is hard when you lose the people close to you, but think about how much more you are gaining in the long run in letting go of old, unhealthy habits .

Sherie13

Maybe it was jealousy, but maybe she just felt left out. Maybe she felt like she was losing HER best friend when you got a boyfriend and didn't sit on the couch with her eating ice cream. I'm not excusing her behavior, but maybe she just felt left out. I've had other friends become MIA when they got a new man, not even realizing they were doing it. Life is constantly changing and people will either change with you or be left behind. If it's been a few months and you are still missing her, why don't you reach out to her? Try to talk about her "issues" with you. It might be as simple as inviting her to work out with you or have girls night once a week scheduled where you can cook a healthy dinner together. You can't sit on the couch eating ice cream together any more but maybe you can sit and eat some hummas together!

lrd2010

Sadly I had to withdraw from a lot of people over the last year to ensure my weight loss, over that time I have lost contact with a lot of people who I thought were my friends. Turns out I was just someone to go to the pub and drink with.

It's a little isolating and depressing I'll be honest, but my boyfriend is my best friend and I have some really nice friends who I see sometimes and feel closer to than my old friends ever were.

I think I've come off as a little depressed in this post, I don't mean to be. I had to change my habits to lose my weight and the people I hung round with weren't willing to change with me or do things that I could do inkeeping with my new lifestyle.

It doesn't make you bad, it just makes you new.

It also means that you'll be able to do things now that you would never have done with those people!

Enjoy it!

kerrymh

I think alot of times when we are over eaters we surround ourselves with eating buddies...what is the main activity you do with your friends..go out to dinner, movies with popcorn, and just plan junk food nights or dinner parties, ect. Well of course you talk ect when you are eating..but once you are not doing the eating and want to go out and be active and healthy and are taking care of yourself...what do you have in common with that old food buddy? Not alot, and then they are jealous, and can't relate to you, you want to do crazy things like go for a walk...eat a salad, lol go canoeing ect. They can't they are still over wt. So I have influenced the great friends to change with me..and those that really were only food buddies aren't in my life, they can't handle the new me and I like me alot better this way..treating my body right and there isn't anything wrong with that!

Debbe2

You've made some wonderful changes which improve your life and health. Friends can (and should) either enjoy our journeys; or not. Meanwhile other people will be attracted to you because of your new found confidence and you will find you have added some new friends as well.

poulosmc1

Dear Liluth,

I've have several years of experience in weight loss among patients who have had surgery to assist in their weight loss. I have had to unfortunately help them with losses of relationships they once had whether it was with a family member, best friend, spouse or partner. Your friend saw you as her source of comfort for whatever reason. As long as you didn't change, she didn't have to change anything. It is wonderful for you that you have decided to become a healthier you. You are the only one that can do that for yourself. By doing that, your friend is threatened, not by you, but by her own insecurities. Suddenly you aren't the same person she can do those "comforting things with." While the loss is hard, you need to continue on the path that you have started for yourself and do the things you need to do for yourself. You are the only one that create your own happiness and you are the only one who can create your own good health. Good luck to you on your journey.... I wish you much happiness.

In good health!
Michelle

grannygethealthy1111

She wasn't a true friend, she was an acquaintance. You are NOT the same person that started this journey. When you stop growing as a person ... you are dead. Real friends are right beside you cheering you on every step of the way.

Shock_Wave

Maybe shes not happy and seeing you all positive is over whelming for her. Misery likes company so to speak.

mandylooo

Maybe it was jealousy, but maybe she just felt left out. Maybe she felt like she was losing HER best friend when you got a boyfriend and didn't sit on the couch with her eating ice cream. I'm not excusing her behavior, but maybe she just felt left out. I've had other friends become MIA when they got a new man, not even realizing they were doing it. Life is constantly changing and people will either change with you or be left behind. If it's been a few months and you are still missing her, why don't you reach out to her? Try to talk about her "issues" with you. It might be as simple as inviting her to work out with you or have girls night once a week scheduled where you can cook a healthy dinner together. You can't sit on the couch eating ice cream together any more but maybe you can sit and eat some hummas together!

I agree with this. I know the OP wants comforting here, but sometimes you do need work out what the other person's real problem is and even if they're behaving badly have some compassion for them.

Liluth

Maybe it was jealousy, but maybe she just felt left out. Maybe she felt like she was losing HER best friend when you got a boyfriend and didn't sit on the couch with her eating ice cream. I'm not excusing her behavior, but maybe she just felt left out. I've had other friends become MIA when they got a new man, not even realizing they were doing it. Life is constantly changing and people will either change with you or be left behind. If it's been a few months and you are still missing her, why don't you reach out to her? Try to talk about her "issues" with you. It might be as simple as inviting her to work out with you or have girls night once a week scheduled where you can cook a healthy dinner together. You can't sit on the couch eating ice cream together any more but maybe you can sit and eat some hummas together!

I wish that was the case. I feel like we'd have been able to work out whatever issues we had. I'd invited her over at least once a week but she was always busy. I was feeling neglected myself before I got her message. I honestly don't know what I could have done differently.

Thank you for your positive advice, however! I will most certainly apply your ideas with those who are still my friends.

manjingirl

I must confess to being like your friend, many years ago. My friend, whom I shared a house with at the time, decided to go healthy, lose weight etc and she succeeded admirably and looked great and obviously felt great. But I didn't. Still stuck at the time in self-destruct mode I saw everything healthy she did as a personal comment about me, not that I actively thought those words, more that I thought she was being self-righteous or something similar whenever she refused cake/beer/pizza, or went out for a walk.

We drifted apart and I haven't seen her since. I have thought about her over the years and wish that I hadn't been so judgemental/paranod/stupid. It took me awhile to realise how wrong I was.

Liluth

I must confess to being like your friend, many years ago. My friend, whom I shared a house with at the time, decided to go healthy, lose weight etc and she succeeded admirably and looked great and obviously felt great. But I didn't. Still stuck at the time in self-destruct mode I saw everything healthy she did as a personal comment about me, not that I actively thought those words, more that I thought she was being self-righteous or something similar whenever she refused cake/beer/pizza, or went out for a walk.

We drifted apart and I haven't seen her since. I have thought about her over the years and wish that I hadn't been so judgemental/paranod/stupid. It took me awhile to realise how wrong I was.

If it's any consolation, the tables could have easily been turned. We were roughly the same weight, supported each others bad habits for five years. If she had been the one to say enough when I wasn't ready, lose a hundred pounds and find love... Looking back, it couldn't have been easy for her to deal with.

I'm sure your friend holds nothing against you and would be delighted to hear you making your own positive changes .