Son with disability

lynette111

I have had a very rough morning and really don't know who to turn to so I thought I would let off some steam talking to you dear folks. Perhaps some of you have been through a situation like this before and can give some much needed advice. I have a 17 year old son who has Pervasive Developmental Disorder which is on the Autism spectrum. He also has ADHD. His IQ is 68 and 70 was the cut-off so he is also labled mentally retarded. He has been in special classes since he was 3 years old. He reads at a third grade level. When you look at my healthy 6 foot 175 pound son he looks normal. My problem is that my son doesn't feel/think he has any problems. He does acknowledge he has trouble reading but that is it. He says when he turns 18 he is going to stop taking his medications and refuse any help from any agencies because he thinks he is normal. He is not on Social Security now because we do not need it but after he is an adult I do see him possibly having a need for it. I do believe he could work a job although it would probably be part time and something that repetitious. There is a program here that I talked to him about that will help him get a job but he adamantly refuses that he needs help with anything. He can't even fill out an application by himself. He talks constantly about going to college and other things that are just not realistic. Other people have taken advantage of him before regarding money. If he carries money people from school borrow it and he always says it ok and they will pay him back but seldom do. I am afraid of him coming of age and someone wiping out his bank account or him giving it away because he feels sorry for someone. I talked to him about becoming his guardian when he turns 18 to keep people from manipulating him and he completely blew a gasket. I feel I should do it but also am upset that he is going to hate me for it. I love my son so much and have hated the struggles he has had to face his whole life. Should I step back when he turns 18 and let him go off his meds, be taken advantage of but love me or become his guardian and help him with his choices and hate me for it? Seems like a no win situation either way. Thanks for reading.

zsesteacher

I see that you have a big problem in your hands...but my advice to you is don't let him do what he wants if not he will be lost without you..I know that its tough but he just needs to understand that you need to become his guardian..Does he see a counselor or a doctor for his disability? if not, maybe it would help and explain to them what's going on and maybe they will get some sense into him..I know that it will be hard for him to understand but please don't let him go on his own..I feel that you will just have to keep reminding him that he needs you and that it's important that he takes his medication...if he already has a doctor maybe it would be a good idea to look for a better one so that they can help you with this situation...what you need is a professional to help you with your son...look into programs that will help you...I wish you the best of luck...

Yvette

moushtie

That looks like quite an issue. And I can see your struggle because you want to protect him from it. How much access to money will he have as an adult? Will he be trying to move out? I think he's going to need to try it for himself and run out of money, work it out for himself. Will running out and not having enough to live on make him realise he's being taken advantage of?

Of course you'd still be there to pick up the pieces afterwards...

NoAdditives

This sounds like it may be a situation that he needs to handle by himself. If he's intent on trying to make it on his own, let him. He should soon see what the real world is like and hopefully that will change his mind regarding help. Do what you can to limit the amount of money he has access to but let him try to apply for jobs and/or college by himself. There's certainly no harm in letting him fill out some applications on his own. If you can, try to keep him living at home while he tries to be in charge of himself so that you can keep an eye on him and make sure he stays safe.

I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you, but all children need to learn their own lessons sometimes.

AnninStPaul

Given the PDD....would it be reasonable to have him declared incompetent to make his own decisions despite his age?

I appreciate people believing that you need to let go, but you have a perpetual 3rd grader and it sounds like these life lessons are not sinking in. If he's not going to learn from the lessons, why put him (and your peace of mind) at risk?

lynette111

I do not doubt that he would indeed be declared incompetent. The doctor we saw this morning just talked to Daryl for 5 minutes and asked to see me outside of the room. He said it is obvious he has issues with insight and understanding real life. He said he would fill out the forms, etc... My heart is breaking for my son. He was so hurt and said I didn't trust him, etc... for even thinking that he needed a guardian. I know he does but it just doesn't make it any easier to deal with or help him understand why. Thanks for your replies.

cajunlady56

You need to take control as it is what is best for him. You are going to have to do some tough love and try not to worry about him being upset as you are going to have to be a parent and not a friend for awhile.

Is he in counseling so they can help him deal with this issue?

lynette111

He has been in counseling before but hated it and refuses to go back. I cannot physically make him go. He is a boy in a man's body. I will continue to try to talk to him about seeing someone whether it is a professional or someone from school, etc... but he usually shuts down as soon as I bring it up.

cajunlady56

He has been in counseling before but hated it and refuses to go back. I cannot physically make him go. He is a boy in a man's body. I will continue to try to talk to him about seeing someone whether it is a professional or someone from school, etc... but he usually shuts down as soon as I bring it up.

If his level of maturity is truly as a child you have an obligation to go through the courts system so you can protect him and make sure he gets the property medical treatment and is not abused by anyone or any place.

NoAdditives

As a mom of young children, I'm curious. How much say does he get in his life? How often does he get to make his own decisions? With children, even the smallest decisions can be a big deal in allowing them to feel they have control in their life. Does he get to choose what clothes he wears, what foods he eats, etc?

mleoni092708

I don't have experience with this personally, so I can't really give advice. You are an incredible mom. I can't imagine what you are going through. Follow your instincts-I have found as a mother, they are usually right.

lockef

I think trying to take total control of his life will only make things worse. Ever been told you can't do something? Very different from discovering that something is out of your reach on your own. The only way that he will learn is for him to find out. I'm not saying to throw him out on his own, but let him make some decisions on what he wants.

I'm sure all he wants is to be like everyone else. Help him find work so he can earn a paycheck and buy stuff for himself. If he wants to take classes at college, help him pick out some classes that he may do well in (art, photography...).

I can only imagine how hard it is for you, but try to imagine what it's like for him.

NoAdditives

I think trying to take total control of his life will only make things worse. Ever been told you can't do something? Very different from discovering that something is out of your reach on your own. The only way that he will learn is for him to find out. I'm not saying to throw him out on his own, but let him make some decisions on what he wants.

What happens if he doesn't take his medication?

I'm sure all he wants is to be like everyone else. Help him find work so he can earn a paycheck and buy stuff for himself. If he wants to take classes at college, help him pick out some classes that he may do well in (art, photography...).

I can only imagine how hard it is for you, but try to imagine what it's like for him.

I agree.

Community college would be a great idea. The teachers are nicer, the students are often slackers, and there's almost no competition because they accept pretty much everyone.

lynette111

To NoAdditives- Daryl has a form of autism so he absolutely hates when his normal schedule is messed up. He is very predictable in almost everything he does. He gets up in the morning, uses the bathroom, takes his shower, gets dressed, eats breakfast, takes his medicine and watches t.v. until it is time to go to school. He eats whatever we have in the house but he does requests certain items. I do not tell him what to eat. He is not a picky eater and eats evertthing I make for dinner but breakfast and lunch he is on his own. He has a uniform for school but when he gets home he changes into whatever he wants. Most of the time it doesn't go together but I almost always let it go unless we are going to church or some important function. I feel as if I let him do quite a lot on his own like going to the skate park, ride his bike, or walk around the neighborhood. He has friends but I do have to monitor some of them as they try to manipulate Daryl sometimes. Also just so you know I have one older son 19 years old and a younger daughter 15 years old that are typical children. I do not have any desire to "keep" my son his whole life or something of that nature. I would love to believe he could be his own man and everything would be ok but the way he is talking about going off of his meds, etc... has me truly concerned for him.

NoAdditives

To NoAdditives- Daryl has a form of autism so he absolutely hates when his normal schedule is messed up. He is very predictable in almost everything he does. He gets up in the morning, uses the bathroom, takes his shower, gets dressed, eats breakfast, takes his medicine and watches t.v. until it is time to go to school. He eats whatever we have in the house but he does requests certain items. I do not tell him what to eat. He is not a picky eater and eats evertthing I make for dinner but breakfast and lunch he is on his own. He has a uniform for school but when he gets home he changes into whatever he wants. Most of the time it doesn't go together but I almost always let it go unless we are going to church or some important function. I feel as if I let him do quite a lot on his own like going to the skate park, ride his bike, or walk around the neighborhood. He has friends but I do have to monitor some of them as they try to manipulate Daryl sometimes. Also just so you know I have one older son 19 years old and a younger daughter 15 years old that are typical children. I do not have any desire to "keep" my son his whole life or something of that nature. I would love to believe he could be his own man and everything would be ok but the way he is talking about going off of his meds, etc... has me truly concerned for him.

I understand your concerns and didn't think you were trying to "keep" him. I think you're trying to do what's best for him and I'm sure that being his guardian is what's best. I know how difficult it is to manage toddlers as they start trying to exercise independence, I can only imagine what that must be like for you. Try giving him more freedom with things he thinks he wants to do. It's sort of like setting him up for failure, which is sad. But, if he sees that he honestly can't do everything himself it might make it easier for him to accept your help. Let him try to fill out job and college applications. I'm sure it must be incredibly frustrating for him to watch his siblings live normal lives while he can't have that same independence. Find little ways to let him explore what it's like to be an adult without actually letting him have complete control.

lynette111

Thank you for all the replies. It helped just writing it down. I appreciate you taking the time to respond. Have a great day!

odusgolp

Lynette, I have no good advice at all, but just want to throw out a big hug and wish you the best. That's such a difficult decision to make. Hang in there ((hugs))