Pity Party - Life not as planned.

fitplease

Does anyone else deal with this kind of depression? (Warning: may be TMI for some people. I was going to edit it more, but felt that many people have similar struggles from time to time. So, I thought I would leave it as-is to help others.)

I am feeling sorry for myself. I am looking at FB and seeing all the wonderful things that people are doing while I sit here in pain today, recovering from an illness and knowing that my life is not very bright right now. I just found (per FB's recommendation) an old friend who was always one to admire -- very sweet, ambitious. She set out her dream and lived it, and then some. I am happy for her, but there also comes a twinge or two of pain. I set out my dream, and my folks put a stop to it, or an accident did, or what was promised to me if I followed a certain road never materialized. I had many obstacles that overcame me, and I just quit. Or, I trudged on and just settled for mediocre, because it was always a bit better. And, people set out hope. “Paying your dues,” I thought as my peers soared past me in their careers, and I come to find that paying my dues meant that any potential positions I would qualify for would be excessed as soon as I got that master’s degree, useful is this field but not so useful in others. And, dammit, still not a graduation party because I am freakin’ broke.

I am 40 now. I feel like I am too old to do anything I want anymore, like this world is made for the young and ambitious, and healthy. I don't know how to make a total life change that isn't going to set me back several years. I fear I will always be miserable, even if I have some high points along the way.

Sure, I am going to lose the weight. But, what will I do with all the attention? What if I don't get any attention? What if I am forever single and forever without children? And forever without a job I love to do? Or even one that can continually support me throughout life, since it seems like it's just me now? It’s not easy going it alone in this world. It’s a tough place out there!

I feel like changes in my life always come too late. I used to be ahead of the game. Now, I play catch up. But, I am like the kid who keeps missing the ball when it’s thrown to her. And, then, when I think I have a bright idea for change, it turns out that it was not the bright idea.

In every way imaginable in life right now, I am stuck. Career. Relationships. Physically. I used to not think it was too much to ask for a good job that I would be happy doing, a great relationship, and good health.

I want to be the daring person again, the adventurer, the one who took calculated risks and succeeded, whose friends enjoyed hanging out with her for the adventure, and admired her for who she was instead of trying to make her into someone else or feeling sorry for her -- or worse, lip service friendship.

I don’t want to be the one saying she is too tired or too in pain to do such and such. I don't want to be the dinner buddy who sits behind a desk all day and goes home to sleep and do laundry. I want to enjoy life. I want to be able to be in a position to include people in my life, who can enjoy it with me, and be surrounded by the love that we all need. I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I want to be like my friend. I want to succeed at life.

I am realizing now that losing weight is also about losing me. What do I need to lose? And, what can I gain in its place? Can I get fit enough that the pain goes away? Forever? Can I get fit enough that I can find friends who will play with me? (Real play, not this cheap sit-down-and-have-a-cup-of-coffee stuff.) Will they accept me at my fitness level? If I can let go of the inactive me, can I also let go of my unfulfilled dreams? Can I forgive myself for the years I’ve dedicated to the career that never materialized and move onto something better? Will being fit make me more attractive to the opposite sex? Will I be able to see love more easily? Will being fit mean that I might still have a chance at children, even at my age? Can I keep this fitness thing up?

Do I make sense to any MFP’ers out there? Does anyone feel like me? Did anyone go through similar struggles? How did you deal with them? Feel free to PM me, if you don’t wish to post. Thanks.

Romans624

I really feel your pain. I honestly don't know what to say though because I myself am without a compass, don't know what to do with my life. I've recently realized that my many interests don't really help to make me interesting because I will tend to learn about something for a few months and then move on to something else. I don't do much with my life. Sure, my weight probably has a good deal to do with this. I also didn't have the most stable upbringing and that was hard for me.


I don't have any dreams. My husband is full of them. It freaks me out how boring I am. I want to have dreams... like "accomplishment" dreams, but I only have "relationship" dreams - be a good mom, wife, and friend. I'm not even doing that. lol.


I just want to say that you are not alone in how you feel. I hope you can figure this out and be happy and peaceful with your life soon. Its too short to live it like that.... figuring things out is the hard part though.

janet_pratt

It seems like life never goes the way you planned. I started out medical field. Then went into insurance. I had my own insurance agency at the age of 24. Then I raised ostrich and kids for several years. At the age of 43 found myself needing to go back into the work force. Overweight, (280 pounds) out of shape and with nothing but freelance writing jobs to put on my resume for the past 10 years. It kinda looked bleak for me. I started working out and took a job as a secretary for an avionics shop. I continued to work out and lost 100 pounds. I became a personal trainer at the age of 47. And last year, my husband and I opened another insurance agency. I never planned on being in the insurance business again, but again, life is what happens while you are making plans and you just roll with it.
As far as being attractive to the opposite sex or being able to have kids, or whether or not you will be able to keep it up, only you can answer that. But I can tell you that I will be 50 in 2 weeks and I've been hit on my men as young as 20 and as old as 80 and everywhere in between. It's fabulous. Thank goodness my husband has a sense of humor and lets me enjoy it. I'm more active than I've ever been, because I choose to be. It's up to you. It's what you make of it. It's what you do with what life hands you that will answer your questions.
Good luck. Now get moving!

rachypompa

You don't need to be better than anyone else, you just need to be better than you were yesterday! Try not to compare yourself to other people. Sit down with someone who loves you and make a list of all the great things you are/ have. Try reading the Dalai Lama's guide to happiness, happiness is internal, not external. Once you sort that out, it will start to feel like everything is going right, instead of wrong.


big hugs, I get in this head space too sometimes, and I look at what I have rather than what I don't have. It doesn't always sort me out, but usually gets me on the right path x

geri1955

First of all you are not old! We were all created to be different, everyone is their own person, why do you feel the need to make others happy with you! Be yourself, God has a plan for each and every one of us! Im sure we all felt that way and worse at different times of our lives, and I'm sure we will all feel the same way over and over, this is the way life goes! Enjoy the ride we are only here a short while! Dont waste your prescious time worrying! Maybe you have a slight imbalance that can be taken care of, maybe you dont!!! Check it out!!
I'm sure if a handful of ppl. sat at a table and shared all their problems , aches and pains, you would definitely take your own back!!! PPl. who tend to worry so much die at a much earlier stage of thier life then need be! You can do what you want to do and be what you want to be, just get off your pity party wagon and stride for it!!! You seem like an intelligent person...LOOK FORWARD not back!!! Think Positive thoughts!!
By the way most ppl on FAKEBOOK(facebook) are just that: FAKE!!! They can all act happy but NOONE is happy 100% of the time!!!They can tell you whatever they want, you would never know!!
Im not being a *****, just want you too get a hold of yourself, you are worth it!!!! :flowerforyou: No ignorance intended!! Geri

geri1955

good answer Janet!!!!:drinker:

starbucksbuzz

Your story reminds me a little of "A Million Miles in A Thousand Years" by Donald Miller. He talks about realizing how little he had accomplished in his life, and what he did to change it, including losing a lot of weight actually.

I think facebook isn't always a good thing when it comes to measuring your successes or lack thereof. You can get this glowing picture of what you think someones life is from their photos and status updates, but you really have no idea what the other side of their life is like - the high stress job, or difficulties of having a new baby, EVERYONES life has its own set of stresses that they'd like to ignore, shove into a closet, and not announce to the inter-world.

You are definitely not alone. If you don't have a lot / many real life friends, look up some groups on meetup.com or something, find some activities you enjoy, sign up for a class... My ideal of what my life is going to be has changed about 20 times in the last two years, but if you have some momentum in general you're more likely to get where you're supposed to be faster. (Wherever that is!) I know this is a little rambly, but I'm hoping its at least slightly helpful. Great job working at your weight loss... That in and of itself is some serious momentum you have going!

dawniee

I dont think you should feel like your all alone in this. From my own personal experience, the only way you can truly have that amazing joy and peace in your life is when YOU decide to forgive yourself for all the things you keep judging yourself on. The only way I was able to do this was when I was in the lowest part of my life. I was so tired of hating on myself, never being satisfied with anything I'd do or the choices I had made over the years. I had truely wished I could be someone else. Live someone elses life. BUt one day I was just tired.....tired of the way I felt about everythign in my life. One day I looked in the mirror for the first time and start speaking faith over myself. Like, YOUR A BLESSINGS TO ALL THOSE AROUND YOU....YOUR BEAUTIFUL JUST AT YOU ARE TODAY........YOUR UNIQUE AS THERE IS NO ONE ON THIS EARTH LIKE YOU..........You'll never be perfect and you will always have failures but that's ok........I gave myself some grace....daily......Your thoughts are a product of YOUR LIFE....what kind of conversations are you having with yourself....Your thoughts are either completely toxic or are a gift to YOU.....You have to embrace who you are and give yourself a break every day.....encourage yourself daily thru speaking faith over every situation. Meaning, Start speaking out loud that you will have a beautiful loving husband in your life..what ever dreams you have..start speaking them in FAITH....God changes my life.....when I had no hope left...yet again I'm a failure....I cried out and He said....Dawn....you need to forgive yourself and those that have hurt you....I don't think I'd cried so much in my life when I heard that.....I did...I forgave myself and forgave those who have hurt me in my life......All of the sudden I began this NEW DAWN....this new woman with nothing but exciting new adventures to come ....The film had been lifted from my eyes and I saw a new beginning......Now I believed anything was possible....I've lived this way of life now for almost 11 years and all I can say is since I decided to Embrace who I am and let go of my anger....I started to speak faith over myself and others instead of speaking what I saw....I've experienced the greatest things in life that I never dreamed would happened to me......Your a SPECIAL UNIQUE BEAUTIFUL WOMAN WITH the world at your fingertips....Just start BELIEVING IT! CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS AND SPEAK FAITH OVER EVERY SITUATION regardless of what it looks like......BELEIVE

mscoco10

I so understand. My life has been a roller coaster. my motto is 1 day sometime 1 hour at a time. Don't believe half of the stuff thats on facebook. Everybody is trying to make their lives seem better. We all are striving for the same things in life. We all want to be good wives/ husbands, mothers/fathers, have those wonderful jobs were we feel appreciated.

I went on a cruise this weekend and had a nice time but still felt a little un-easy. Its a struggle to keep negative thoughts out of our mind but we must. Self love is the 1st love. How can we love others and allow others to love us if we don't love ourselfs?

TDGee

Remember this.

fitplease

Thank you everyone. I needed a little TLC.

I did make a point to drag myself out tonight and talk to some people. I feel a lot better now, although I know I have some work left to do on my self-image. It will come. I've hit this place before and came out of it okay. I can do it again.

God put the right people in my path tonight. One told me of some crazy stuff he had been through and how his life went downhill, then up and how he is managing his current stresses. He seems joyful despite. So, I am encouraged.

Thank you to whoever prayed for me today. :-)

Elzecat

I can very much relate to a lot of this. I turned 42 yesterday, single for the past 7 years, no kids...sometimes I wonder why I am doing this (getting healthy) if I am going to be alone for the rest of my life and I don't really have anyone to share this new healthy life with...? but that's my personal struggle and I'm trying to dig out of it...

When I started running last spring, my mom asked me, "why did you decide to start RUNNING at 41?" she thought I was nuts and was going to injure myself. And I said...well I'm 41 whether I run and eat healthy and get healthy, or whether I sit on my butt on the couch. I might as well get off my *kitten* and do something...so I keep putting one foot in front of the other. She stopped asking "why" when I ran my first half marathon, and now asks, "what's next?" I guess that is what we have to keep asking ourselves--what we are going to do next to challenge ourselves...

starbucksbuzz

I saw this and thought of your post