When I weighed.......

jazzalea

Share your journey from start to finish, tell us where you've been and where you' going and the journey along the way How did it feel?

I will go first



When I weighed 300 pounds.................. I was angry, bitter and alone...... it hurt to walk, I was always tired, everything was an effort and there was no way I was ever going to lose the weight..... what's the point? I was always going to be a dissapointment to myself and to my family..... I hated myself even though I put on a good show for everyone else... no one knew how much I wanted to hide away


And then I started.....





290...............big deal.... I can do that any time..... it will be back...........I've done that a hundred times.... it's really just an excuse to have that extra piece of chicken ..... after all, it's not like it's going to matter, sooner or later it will all be back. The wii fit idea was stupid..... I thought I would play on it for an hour a day......fifteen minutes and I'm out of breath and feeling dumb.....whatever..... I tried.....


280 I wasn't too surprised, But I didn't think it would keep coming off, I figured I had just lost all the water weight and now I would stall out the way I always did...... but at least I had made the effort..... I didn't have to feel quite so guilty for being fat.... at least I was suffering on a diet...... but maybe I'll just skip that extra piece of chicken oh yeah....wii fit isn't so bad...... and I'm up to an hour a day now!..... I know eh????

275 WOW..........did I REALLY Just break through to the 270's?????? little happy dance of joy for me! AND someone noticed! The scales were moving quickly some days and others... they stalled or worse... climbed back up.... for a long time I made the mistake of starving myself and working myself harder during those stalls, but eventually I learned to feed them, to just continue onwards.... keep my routine steady and really listen to my body..... was it workout tired or body tired, did it need rest, food? or did it need a little push..... I just started trusting myself.......

260 Time to get serious............ I mean c'mon?????? have I really lost 40 pounds???? me???? there's no WAY I could have done that just by changing my diet and getting off the couch, ok it's true, I DO make myself take those extra steps now and when I think about calling the kids to get me something I think, hey get up yourself, that's 34 calories burned! Parking at the far end of the lot.... actually taking the stairs now and then............but hey..... that doesn't REALLY work does it?????

250 Ok I cried.......... and I got my eyebrow pierced! ( When I was younger I hid inside this fat suit because I didn't want anyone to notice me..... nobody really looks at fat people..... they look at that body.... but they never quite meet your eyes....) I DID THIS!!!!!!!!!!! I wanted people to look at me and notice.....I'm NOT A FAILURE I ONLY weigh 250 pounds!!!!!!!!!!! and EVERYONE is noticing

240 I joined the gym! I knew I was worth it for the first time....... I knew that THIS time when I went to the gym I wasn't going to feel embarassed by my weight, I was still huge but I knew I was on the right track and I was there to FIX the problem, not making a token effort to ease my conscience and make my family happy. This time was for me! THANK YOU WII FIT FOR GETTING ME READY FOR THE GYM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

230 Just pure satisfaction..............I knew I was going to get there and I did! it was just a matter of time...... I was finally in control of my body..... 42 years old and I just figured out the operating instructions!...............

220 Just a step on my journey!


210 pfffftt whatever...................................lol




209 Brain zap......... There was a world of difference for me between 210 and 209............ I t was huge..... I was down to 9 little pounds between me and the impossible......... there was NO way I was going to get past 200 pounds..... at my heaviest I had weighed 320 .... I had already lost the impossible..... Nothing I owned fit anymore..... everyone was happy with me... I was happy with myself there was NO way I was going to get under 200 pounds.... stop now while you're ahead..... don't fail by trying to be greedy....... I was terrified..... I also had passed my initial goal of 220 pounds, the weight I was when I got married.... I mean c'mon........


215 dissapointment............ and anger........... I didn't work this hard to get this far just to climb back up the scale........ no way was I going back up....... just because I can't go down..... doesn't mean I have to go up.... I just need to maintain................



224 devestated...............but also kinda safe. I was on familiar territory again......... I knew I couldn't do this............. inner me knew all along that this was the real me, and it was nice to be back with a 'thinner' body........ I had a few years before I packed ALL of that weight back on...... after all I was meant to be fat, now I could just enjoy

232 ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND???????? DID YOU REALLY JUST PUFF YOUR WAY UP THAT FLIGHT OF STAIRS???????? GET YOU A*** BACK TO THAT GYM AND YOUR HAND OUT OF THAT CHIP BAG!!! I WILL NOT GO BACK. TO THAT WEIGHT........ THIS IS MY BODY D@MM!T AND WE ARE GOING TO DO THIS


225 MOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE'RE NOT EVEN CAUGHT UP YET




210 DON'T YOU DARE LOOK AT THAT SCALE AGAIN TILL YOUR PANTS ARE FALLING OFF



204 ok I looked but it's ok.....................We're going to do this.............



**197** There aren't even words I can find to tell you how great it feels to weigh 197 pounds! I know that most people would be horrified to weigh that much, but I felt like the most beautiful, sexy, healthy, happy , CAPABLE person in the world..... I had fought the weight and myself and achieved what had been an impossible goal.......oh yeah... and I got the little thingy in my ear pierced to mark the occaison. OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

187 I've lost a total of 132 pounds from my highest till today..... It still amazes me that I can start my weight with a 1 instead of a 2 or 3....I want to encourage everyone to believe in yourself........... you really are incredible


175 I will get a tattoo



150 I will get my belly button pierced.............. ( my goal weight is now 151 pounds ; ) )

140 I can't imagine even wanting to be this weight, but if it's a healthy weight for me when I get there, I won't say no



I don't worry about a "right weight" now where I think I will be happy, because it's finally changing from being about losing the weight, to helping my body find the healthy balance between food and exercise that it needs to work the best and look the best for me.........


(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))) to all and please post your own journey

Liluth

LOL it was wonderful to see your thought process throughout. I seriously sympathize what you went through when you started gaining weight in your low 200's again. That happened to me when I hit 169. I just lost control and started gaining again. It's devastating and yet oddly safe again. Still, I missed people telling me how wonderful I looked (VAIN, I know!). I'm back on track now, but I still hate that it happened.

Thanks for sharing .

Edit: I figure I should share my own journey in more detail? Warning, though. I had (and still do a bit) VERY low self esteem and depression issues. Being 19 and my size was really rough on me.

295lb: "If I hit 300, that's it. It's over. I'll never recover. I might as well be dead. No man will ever love me. I'll be stared at on the streets even more. I'll get mooed and barked at more. If I can't lose this weight, I'm going to do something drastic.

Discovered possibility of lap band surgery, gained a surge of hope.

285lb- 260lb: All a blur. Took place between February of 2008 and May of 2009. When I went in for surgery I weighed 260lb. I can't remember it hardly at all, I was so focused on making the surgery happen.

250lb: "This is the thinnest I've ever been in my life." Total shock, never dreamed of being 250. I could remember being 240 in middle school, for christ's sake.

240lb: "Hey, I think I'm 'thin enough' to try dating now. Men probably aren't repulsed by me as much now!" First time I began thinking I could someday get married and had kids.

220lb: All my clothes are baggy, everyone is saying all sorts of encouraging things. I feel like I have a life. I feel like a new person. Total euphoria.

200lb- 199lb: On the cusp of Onederland, and I never in my life imagined I could do it. I keep my head up when I walk around campus. I can talk to anyone now without worrying what they think about me or if they look down on me.

190lb: I'm so close to my ultimate goal, a healthy weight. I can wear dresses without feeling self-conscious. My best friend is starting to act differently around me. Still around 260, she doesn't want to seem to hang out. I move out of the house we share with another girl because I can't stand the other girl (long long story). BF and I drift further apart.

180lb: Dating is in full swing, and I'm talking to a bunch of guys who seem interested. Never having this kind of attention before, my confidence soars. Could it be...? Do I feel... SEXY?

169lb: Suddenly I can't eat or drink anything. "Has my band slipped? Am I going to have surgery? What will I do without it? I'll gain all the weight back!"

180lb: Turns out nothing was wrong at all. Self sabotage. At the very least self-fulfilled prophecy. I stepped on the scale, saw that number and cried harder than I ever had in my life. My friend, Joshua, thought someone had died. I was devastated, but apparently not enough to do anything about it.

199lb: Here I am again, on the cusp of Onederland, once again. I hate myself sometimes for gaining thirty pounds back and wasting all these months. There's no use crying over spilt milk, though. What's done is done and what matters is that I'm back to trying and putting all my efforts toward becoming the woman I want to be.

femmerides

I'm bumping this because I want to post once I get on my laptop.

bzmom

Awsome work!! Im currently in the gaining back stage :frown: but cant blame no one else but me. Im really hoping I can spring back soon.....:ohwell:

dkueter94

WOW!!!! That is something to be proud of girl!!!! What an inspiration you are to keep up the hard work and be true to yourself along the way!

jazzalea

199lb: Here I am again, on the cusp of Onederland, once again. I hate myself sometimes for gaining thirty pounds back and wasting all these months. There's no use crying over spilt milk, though. What's done is done and what matters is that I'm back to trying and putting all my efforts toward becoming the woman I want to be.

FANTASTIC YOU for believing in yourself now and knowing that you CAN do it!........ never mind that step backwards.... all it did was prove to you that you are NOT going to be content to go back there and it confirmed that the thinner inner you is stronger!

WTG girl..... race you to the finish

femmerides

My story will be very involved and a bit of a roller coaster. sit back and hold on...this will be a bumpy road.

180lbs: this was in 2004. I had just gotten married. this (at the time) was the heaviest i had been my whole life. i was a newleywed and very happy so i didn't care that i had put on a few pounds.

226lbs: WTF??? When did that happen? I went to the dr's office for a regular check up and my husband was with me and we both were just floored. WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN???

252.8lbs: I have officially hit the wall. I WILL NOT gain anymore weight. My husband and I are having lots of problems. Not necessarily because of my weight but because of my personal self-sabotage. The more weight I gained, the uglier and fatter I felt, the more I binged, and as a result, the more I gained. I decided to finally lose the weight...however, this time around I did it the very unhealthy way...this was february 2007.

209lbs: I don't remember much of the weight in between 252.8 and 209 because i lost the weight so fast. (very very bad for me though...very bad). I just remember that once i hit 209lbs...i was in a trance. i was so determined to be 180. one weird side effect...all this weight loss made me crazy. i became obsessed, i was HANGRY (hungry+angry) all the time, i would go to bed at 6pm because i was too weak to do much else, etc. it was awful.

180.8lbs: i was in such a bubble i didn't even notice i had crossed into the 100's. I am officially at my goal weight. I feel sexy again. I feel better about myself.

199lbs: uh oh. what is going on? i just spent 2 weeks in hawaii, i felt amazing and now i'm up again? what gives? ....omg...i'm pregnant.

250.8: i feel huge and fat and gross. i need to have my own stinking zip code. i'm 39 weeks pregnant. uh oh...my water just broke....

224lbs: i'm 2 weeks post partum and i'm already on my way down. woohoo! i'm feeling good. i'm so going to get this baby weight off!

215lbs: i can't believe i'm doing this! and i'm doing it the healthy way. i'm eating right, i'm exercising and i'm not over doing it because i have a nursing infant and her needs are way more important than the way i look.

207lbs: i am so close to onederland! this makes me so happy! i am happier now than i was at 180 last time. my self esteem is through the roof! my daughter gives me so much purpose. i am doing everything in my power to get her to see how important exercise and eating healthy is important.

199lbs: yay! i'm so happy! i have 2 months left til my daughter's 1st birthday and i am determined to be in the 180's by then!

185lbs: yay! I did it! my daughter is 1 and I am in the 180's! but guess what...SURPRISE! I'm pregnant again! lol. no matter how hard i try to bet past 180lbs...i keep getting knocked up! i'm happy but frustrated.

245lbs: yay! i didn't gain as much this pregnancy but i was not nearly as active either so i don't feel like i'm going to bounce back as easily...but hey, at least my baby boy is almost here!

236lbs: my son arrived! however, i lost a grand total of 9lbs after he was born...lol. time to get working.

230lbs: wow. this is taking forever. i never thought that i would still be 230lbs and my son was already a year old. why was this taking so long? why was i not losing? why was i so depressed? it's been too long to have post partum depression but something isn't right.

220.8lbs: This is it. I've had it. My son is 14 months old and i have GOT to get my butt in gear. oh, and i got on depression meds after my son's birthday and lost 10lbs just from the binge cravings subsiding. but now it's time to get serious. :-)

215lbs: okay. we've been here before. nothing to get too excited about...just keep trucking

210lbs: okay, okay. it's getting a little more real but i'm so scared that i'm going to gain it all back. PLEASE stick with it. you can do it.

201lbs: omg...it hasn't moved in weeks....it is teasing me so horribly....i want to be 199 SOOOOO bad...i have set a prize goal for reaching 199lbs...if i get there, my husband said he will buy me new asics. i need new workout shoes so bad so i am so excited!

199lbs: I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT! omg...i did it....

201lbs: yup. that's self sabotage...i got scared. i don't know. it's weird.

197lbs: okay. back on track. next goal...189lbs. i will give myself a mani/pedi as a prize.

193lbs: why is it so much harder now? the closer i get, the more i feel like i'm sabotaging myself. the more binges i have too. these meds are working but not enough. dr. adds another pill. so now i'm taking 2 a day.

189lbs! yay! mani/pedi here i come! also...i'm a size 10/12 now! i went from an 18/20 to a 10/12! soooo happy!

179lbs: wow! i just got into virgin fat territory!!!! this has NEVER happened! for those of you that don't know, virgin fat territory means that this is fat i have never gotten rid of before. i've lost 70lbs too many times. i'm officially past that!

177lbs....omg....i cant believe this is really happening! i fit into all my "skinny" clothes now!

186lbs: wow.....just wow. how did i let this happen again. okay. time for a NEW challenge! i am going to be team captain for 2 different teams and i'm on 3 other teams AND i'm now TURBOKICK CERTIFIED!!! so now i will be practicing my dvds every day so i can get ready for my audition. THIS will be my comeback.

181.8lbs: yay! i am back on track! and i feel better than ever. i'm finally loving my body as much as i love me.

Thanks for reading this everyone!

daydream58

Since weight is so much more about emotions than about food really, I find this topic fascinating. I'm only 29 pounds into my journey - coming up on halfway, so I don't have a lot of drama to share because I haven't really gone thru any real "stages" yet that I know of, anyway.

Around 230 I just couldn't move anymore and knew I had to. My cardiologist (which I have for a genetic reason, not classic heart disease reason) said I could go to rehab and workout hooked up to heart monitors with medical supervision or I could jump on the scale and let him see how much I had gained in the past couple of years.

Well I knew full well that I had gained about 15 lbs so I didn't want to jump on the scale and I had been asking for rehab for over a year, so here was my chance FINALLY and I quickly agreed.

When I got about 10 lbs down I started mentioning it to friends and one of my friends even joined MFP then and has done just as well as I have, only she started out probably around what my goal weight is, so it's all relative, but still very proud of her, it's harder to lose around goal than where I started, I think I've learned that much.

Around 215 I was back to where I started before my heart and cancer surgeries last year, so I felt - well this is nice... now I can really get going and get into some new territory that I haven't seen in a while.

Around 210 I pleased with my progress and started to relax... I know how to do this. This works. I can do this. Just keep on going and you can't lose. All is well.

Around 209 I started to get obsessed with ONEderland. But I've seen so many people stall right before big mini-goals, and I know 1derland is probably the #1 mini-goal for anyone over 200+ but I just try to relax and keep going steady. Instead of dropping my food intake, I am paying closer attention than ever to try to come within 100 of daily intake. If I want to "push" it I can add exercise, but I refuse to sabotage myself by lowering my food intake to the point where I stall right now.

So far it seems to be working.

205 was nice but the last couple of days 204 is a LOT more exciting. ONEderland is so close - it's very exciting. I've read reports of a drop in motivation and excitement after crossing over into ONEderland so I'm trying to be super cool about it, but of course I am really excited. The main thing for me is to keep my food clean and my numbers close and true and if I have excess energy, use it for exercise instead of worrying about every little thing I eat.

I've upped my strength training lately and I don't count that or eat against it. I only eat back cardio calories, so this is a great time to start doing some crunches and other strength stuff.

I don't have a full story - but the emotions I have so far are very mixed. I am happy most of the time, content. Feeling quite relaxed and like "I got this" and I can do it. And very thankful for MFP and all my friends here. At the same time I notice a very dismissive and nasty self voice that ends most love sessions with the mirror with it quick little "You're still fat" comment as I am walking away, catching the last little bit of fat in the mirror as I move off.

I would NEVER tell a friend who had lost 29 lbs. and was working out consistently and eating cleanly "You're still fat." so why on earth do I talk to myself that way? I hope the self-hate nastiness does NOT continue with me all the way to goal because I'm sure I can find things to hate at goal weight but I would have hoped I was beyond those sort of hard feelings for myself by then. I just need to find something for my self-love that works as well for my mind as MFP works for my body!

Great and important topic, thanks to OP for starting it and congratulations on your unbelievable amazing success!

xoxo
Deedee

jazzalea

I used to play that same game in front of the mirror too,

I would tell myself how far I had come, how great I was looking and build myself up, and then just as I was walking away that fat chick in the mirror would wave her saggy arms or stick out her fat saggy tummy(s).......

But one day I turned back and said Screw you fat chick..... you've kept me down long enough and you're MELTING!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I look for the me under that fat suit..... I can FEEL the muscles, and when I pull back the fat, I can SEE them!...... All that's left of that fat chick is a bunch of skin and bitterness, there is no room in my life for her..... and soon there won't even be a spot left on her side of the mirror either

You take the credit for all of the hard work you've done.... we may never look like super models but we don't look like we did either......every day forward is a day towards the you you want to be:)