Sexy vixen vs. dowdy dilemma

hazelmae123

This is going to be a weird topic but I am genuinely curious to see what people have to say about it, especially people male or female who have lived it. It is my belief that weight is about a lot more than just food to mouth, it has its whole complicated internal connections to sexuality, self esteem, belief systems, guilt, etc. I am aware of a lot of these different issues for myself. But, one of the ones that seems to be quite powerful for me is the issue of attractiveness. Meaning, that somewhere inside my illogical mind I believe is I am overweight then I wont attract a man, which then means I wont have to deal with issues of relationships and so on.

Don't know if that makes sense. It's like, if I am not attractive then it is a reinforcer to my inner self that says then THAT is the reason I don't have a great relationship. My mind says, "See, he left because you were fat. OR He didn't like you because you were fat." Something along those lines.

The complication comes because it doesn't actually work. I do attract men at overweight, although I do attract MORE when thin. But the vicious cycle in my mind doesn't actually work, yet I still to some degree believe it within myself.

So, how to fix it??
How to undo that belief that my own weight and attractiveness are directly correlated to my relationships.

I am the first to admit it isn't logical, yet I still participate in it. I still to some degree use it as a "safety net" an "out" an "excuse." In someway it must still be serving me or I still wouldn't do it. But, I can't seem to undo that thinking that then allows me to just be my own fit, healthy, sexy self WITHOUT associating it with the opposite sex.

Welcome all suggestions, psychoanalysis, brain picking and so on...bring it on!!!

deeharley

Interesting. You are not alone in thoughts like this. Don't care to share all of mine, but I do have a similar struggle with my weight loss issues.

shawnscott5

Confidence is sexy...if you are confident in yourself, then others will be confident in you. It doesn't matter how big or small you are, short or tall, sexy comes from within.

bestrodeo

Let me start by saying.. Stop worrying what others think about you, exp men.. If a man is going to love you for YOU hes going to love you whether your over weight or thin.. Once you are happy with YOU you will find a man who is happy with YOU no matter what you look like.. I know its easier said than done, but Ive been there and it can be done.. Just focus on YOU and what makes you happy and the rest will fall into place... I promise..

OSUalum

You definitely are not alone in your thoughts. I see so many people on here and in real life that think their self worth is based on compliments from others. That sexy means getting the largest number of flirts possible just to feel pretty and confident.
Trying to find the fine line between confident and healthy, and external appearance is a tough one.
In the end it always comes down to being true to yourself and living a genuine life. Be yourself. You never need a bunch of men to tell you you're sexy. You already are!

BigDaddyBRC

We men love women. That is a given. It's not about weight, except for the superficial.

Here's a pondering question for you...Why is humanity the ONLY species in which the female (gay men excluded in this question) does everything she can to look better than the male?

What it all comes down to is Social Conditioning. You see it in EVERY woman's magazine. You see it almost every for of media. From the moment you can first contemplate what you see as a child, your manuerisms are forced into believing what society calls acceptable.

Throw it out. Find the love and pace from within and your beauty will radiate outward.

kimber_av

Not weird at all.
No one likes to admit it. but I will.
The first thing we notice about the opposite sex is their body. and evolutionarily speaking a thin fit body is a healthy body. Therefore they most likely have better genes and its all about finding the most suitable mate to make the strongest offspring. after all, we are still animals, and our instincts will override every time. Although not right in our face, our subconcious about things like this is VERY strong. so its natural that you feel you'll attract more/better men when you are fit and healthy. because you will and visa/versa.
its just a part of life. I think people try and fight the fact that we are animals and we do have these instincts and preferences despite whats the "nice" thing to think about people.
If you arent physically attracted to someone its a problem.

ohpiper

I think a lot of it comes down to self-confidence. When a person lacks that confidence, I think one sort of shuts down and shuts other people out. When you have that confidence, I think it's a way of sort of blossoming and I think that is a quality that attracts others. So, similar to another comment I saw, it may sound cliche, but focusing on yourself, and the rest I do think will fall into place. You are an attractive woman. Be proud of yourself, carry yourself with confidence. It will work out, I'm sure.

lgwmab

I go thru this so often, it is not even funny. As I have lost the weight, I see my confidence building. I also make it a point to spot out EVERYDAY, one thing I love about my body and the transformation it is going thru. Make yourself feel pretty, and acknowledge the good within, and the confidence follows, at least with me it does.

juliapurpletoes

This is a really important topic to be sure. and I think you are correct (and smartly so) in observing that it must be serving you or you wouldn't be doing it.

So the answer lies in figuring out what it serves or the fear you have that this is helping you deal with. Fear in my mind is what all negative issues boil down to. it sounds cliche to "figure out your fear" but in effect, that's just what we all have to do whether we over eat and pad ourselves or under eat to disappear....

food for thought

kbrown1171

I agree - sexy is within. When I was younger I was a wallflower and not confident and single for a long time. As I got older and learned to love who I was regardless or what size I was at the time my confidence grew and THAT is what is attractive to people - men or women. Plus, when you are confident with who you are, regardless of size, you won't put up with garbage relationships that we can sometimes find ourselves in due to lack of self-esteem.

From your picture I can say you're a beautiful woman but it's you that has to believe that and let that inner voice be silenced with confidence and reassuring yourself. Believe me, I know it's hard to silence that voice but we don't need to silence it completely just talk louder than it does.

Relationships where we give our heart away are scary and it is easier to listen to that inner voice sometimes but remember one thing - when you find real love you'll feel perfect with all your imperfections because that's how he makes you feel. Never settle!!! :flowerforyou:

peanut613

Totally a legitimate thing, and you'll find more women are in that boat with you than you think. I have been one for years. In high school I was 125 pounds and a size 4. I was constantly called fat, b*tch, sl*t...I was in an abusive relationship that wrecked my self image and confidence. I coped with food. So as my self esteem dropped, my weight increased. As my weight increased, my self esteem dropped... vicious circle.

I can't tell you how to break out of the mindset because frankly we're all different. All I can say is that you need to start telling yourself that you are beautiful, smart, funny, whatever attributes you never give yourself credit for. As you lose weight, allow yourself to bask in your success instead of dwelling on your flaws. Embrace healthy eating habits, exercise, and do what is best for your health and allow your mind to travel to a better place too. It takes time, but you have to love yourself for the opposite sex to love you.

dirtbikegirl5

I totally agree that it all comes down to self confidence. You can be overweight and, if you are confident, others will see you that way, too.
However, I can relate wtih your post, in that when I don't feel like I look good, then I feel like everyone else thinks the same thing. If I am not happy with my body, it affects me. We should not worry about what others think but it is really hard not to.

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BigDaddyBRC

Not weird at all.
No one likes to admit it. but I will.
The first thing we notice about the opposite sex is their body. and evolutionarily speaking a thin fit body is a healthy body.

And what does a Blind person do? go off of a shodow? get real with yourself. this is how YOU percieve the world. Not everyone does this

kaetmarie

Confidence is sexy...if you are confident in yourself, then others will be confident in you. It doesn't matter how big or small you are, short or tall, sexy comes from within.

^^^This! That being said, I find that making positive, healthy choices make you more confident in yourself -- which is why sometimes it seems like being thinner = more confident (or sexy)

Personally, I think I look and feel most attractive when I'm strong and healthy. I feel the strongest and healthiest when I'm eating right and exercising. Consequently, I'm also thinner then

plagirl227

My question to you is: What is it that you want? Do you or do you not want a relationship? Since you're basing your sexuality and relationship worthiness on your weight, I'm curious to know (and maybe therein you will find your own answer) what do you want relationship-wise???

kimber_av

Not weird at all.
No one likes to admit it. but I will.
The first thing we notice about the opposite sex is their body. and evolutionarily speaking a thin fit body is a healthy body.

And what does a Blind person do? go off of a shodow? get real with yourself. this is how YOU percieve the world. Not everyone does this

haha no need to get nasty. geeze louise. a blind person is a totally different situation. I study evolutionary psychology and human sexuality. I'm going off of MANY years of research. no need to attack me just because you don't agree with my post.

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hazelmae123

My question to you is: What is it that you want? Do you or do you not want a relationship? Since you're basing your sexuality and relationship worthiness on your weight, I'm curious to know (and maybe therein you will find your own answer) what do you want relationship-wise???

That's funny to me because I never really thought that was a question at all...until a few nights ago a man asked me "Don't you deserve a nice man?" And for a split second I wasn't sure how to answer that question...it's really got me thinking.

kimber_av

Not weird at all.
No one likes to admit it. but I will.
The first thing we notice about the opposite sex is their body. and evolutionarily speaking a thin fit body is a healthy body.

And what does a Blind person do? go off of a shodow? get real with yourself. this is how YOU percieve the world. Not everyone does this

haha no need to get nasty. geeze louise. a blind person is a totally different situation. I study evolutionary psychology and human sexuality. I'm going off of MANY years of research. no need to attack me just because you don't agree with my post.

while I will admit, the first thing people notice is the body, that doesn't necessarily make the final decision in a person's mind. when you develop any kind of conversation with a person, you start looking beyond the body at other aspects of their personality and sometimes don't notice the body as much. this is why people who are wholy committed to eachother have a harder time noticing physical changes in one another, because they see the changes over a gradual length of time.

EXACTLY! Thank you. I never said it was the final determining factor. but it is the first thing people see. therefore when attracting strangers its the first major factor. Then all that other stuff comes along.


http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-scientific-fundamentalist/200809/barbie-manufactured-mattel-designed-evolution-iv

mrimike

Not weird at all.
No one likes to admit it. but I will.
The first thing we notice about the opposite sex is their body. and evolutionarily speaking a thin fit body is a healthy body.

And what does a Blind person do? go off of a shodow? get real with yourself. this is how YOU percieve the world. Not everyone does this

haha no need to get nasty. geeze louise. a blind person is a totally different situation. I study evolutionary psychology and human sexuality. I'm going off of MANY years of research. no need to attack me just because you don't agree with my post.

while I will admit, the first thing people notice is the body, that doesn't necessarily make the final decision in a person's mind. when you develop any kind of conversation with a person, you start looking beyond the body at other aspects of their personality and sometimes don't notice the body as much. this is why people who are wholy committed to eachother have a harder time noticing physical changes in one another, because they see the changes over a gradual length of time.

EXACTLY! Thank you. I never said it was the final determining factor. but it is the first thing people see. therefore when attracting strangers its the first major factor. Then all that other stuff comes along.


http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-scientific-fundamentalist/200809/barbie-manufactured-mattel-designed-evolution-iv

A big smile goes a long way. A woman thats a little over weight but happy and smiles a lot is 100X more attractive and interesting than a skinny woman with staight face.

plagirl227

My question to you is: What is it that you want? Do you or do you not want a relationship? Since you're basing your sexuality and relationship worthiness on your weight, I'm curious to know (and maybe therein you will find your own answer) what do you want relationship-wise???

That's funny to me because I never really thought that was a question at all...until a few nights ago a man asked me "Don't you deserve a nice man?" And for a split second I wasn't sure how to answer that question...it's really got me thinking.

It's a very valid question. Society dictates that everyone is to want/be in a relationship. But in reality, everyone doesn't want that, maybe ever, maybe for a certain point in time. And that's OK. ANSWER that question....honestly. It may be the key to open up part of your conscious and allow you to think differently, restructure and rebuild your life and manner of doing things.

tyrsblade

came and contrast what is sexy today against what is sexy say in the 50's

50's
She has curves... I loves curves . I love my wife's curves...
http://drx.typepad.com/psychotherapyblog/images/2007/12/31/marilyn_monroe_on_long_island_1956.jpg

today
wire thin, no curves and cookie cutter looks.

BigDaddyBRC

Not weird at all.
No one likes to admit it. but I will.
The first thing we notice about the opposite sex is their body. and evolutionarily speaking a thin fit body is a healthy body.

And what does a Blind person do? go off of a shodow? get real with yourself. this is how YOU percieve the world. Not everyone does this

haha no need to get nasty. geeze louise. a blind person is a totally different situation. I study evolutionary psychology and human sexuality. I'm going off of MANY years of research. no need to attack me just because you don't agree with my post.

I wasnt attacking. I was just stating facts against a generalization. I'm against generalizing because everyone is unique and their body chemistry different. Looks do not set a preface for what is healthy, thus the enire body is not my first impression nor do I "scan" someone.

sarahkatara

Not weird at all.
No one likes to admit it. but I will.
The first thing we notice about the opposite sex is their body. and evolutionarily speaking a thin fit body is a healthy body.

And what does a Blind person do? go off of a shodow? get real with yourself. this is how YOU percieve the world. Not everyone does this

Just to play devil's advocate here (and i mean NO drama or insult to anyone), it is true that as humans, we are instinctively built to analyze the physical traits of a person before anything else. In human's early existence, the man or woman who was built a certain way was the most desirable because their body's symmetry, muscle mass, fat, etc indicates a healthy, fertile mate. There's a really cool program on this on Nova channel or PBS. I'll try to find a link and post it. Blind people, however, are coping without that initial physical impression that is usually so important. I imagine that such people develop other ways to analyze people, indicating a certain level of attraction. Believe it or not, you do "scan" people, men and women. you size up "competitors" (other men) and check out "potential mates" (women). Again, it's a simple evolutionary fact. Not to say you're vain or shallow- i appreciate you speaking against generalizations.
Again, don't hate. Just speaking from a psychological/scientific point-of-view. like i said, there's a great documentary i'll try to find