Dating someone new - still have body issues

SDkitty

Hi everyone, I usually try to keep the personal life out of the forums but this has a lot to do with my new healthy lifestyle and would love some advice from both women and men.

I made a new male friend at a meeting about a month ago and although there was definite sparkage we were just hanging out and getting to know each other with no romantic implications for a couple of weeks which was fine with me because I am absolutely terrified of being intimate with someone again. Then last week the inevitable happened and we kissed and although it was amazeballz to feel that dating-someone-new-butterflies feeling, now I can't seem to stop my brain from looking forward and stressing the hell out. The problem is that I really like the guy, which, although I have casually dated in the last couple of years, I haven't really felt since my ex-fiance. He was really hard on me and told me I needed to lose weight when I weighed 120lbs (I'm 5'8"!). I know that it was an unhealthy relationship and that he was a whole string of expletives but the 3 years of his criticisms have never fully left my brain. I'm down to 158lbs now and although I know objectively that that isn't all that heavy for my height, when I look at myself naked I want to go throw up (before you jump on that - no I haven't done that in 2 years). I'm almost 30. How do I keep the pace slow without a) dumping a bunch of my baggage on him or b) making him feel like I'm not that into him? I feel like my over thinking is going to dig me a big hole.

LLAP :flowerforyou:

Contrarian

When it gets to the point where you think your body issues might affect him, talk to him about it.

starwhisperer

If he is a good guy, which hopefully he is, then taking it slow shouldn't be an issue. i think even people with "perfect" bodies probably have some stress when getting naked with someone for the first time.

comeback0903

Its harsh.... I'm sure at 5'8 158lbs your body loks amazing... tell him you like to take things slow so he doesnt jump on that boat yet.... That could buy you some time?
or
Turn of the lights and enjoy.... and like my hubby says "during sex the last thing men think about are the imperfections that the women has"

Good luck

JamesonsMommy

He kissed you so you can't be that repulsive...lol I'm sure you look amazing to him but when it really comes down to it we are our own worst enemy.. Good luck on your journey I seriously love your profile pic lol

nighthawke

Take it slow, if he is really into you then it won't be an issue.

RunningMyButtOff

You should read a book called The Rules. At first it can appear very old school, but in actuality, it's really just about developing self-esteem in relationships and maintaining it...and oddly enough, men seem to find that more attractive then a small waistline!

fittertanme

well I would say the guy you have met seems to be a true gent and see's you as you are and not what he can get and if you feel the same then give it a go you have nothink to lose and a lot to gain and think you will be the stroner one and show your ex what he has lost so trust your hart and see were it go's good luck

Coleyrole

ok i had the same problem. my ex told me i was fat and i needed to lose weight all the time, and hearing that for 4 years really messed me up. after him i didn't even think i was pretty and i had no self esteem. i figured if i'm not good enough for that jerk, i'm not good enough for anyone. well i hated myself and stayed single for 5 plus years because i was so screwed up and i couldn't even look at myself naked cuz it would make me sick. he really screwed me up. it's true what they say, tell a girl shes beautiful, she'll remember it for a while, tell her shes ugly, and she will never forget it. well i tried and tried to lose weight and nothing worked within those 5 years. finally i lost some weight and realized that not every guy is like that. so i started thinking about dating. finally i met this guy who i used to date in grade school believe it or not, lol, and we really hit it off, but i was still self inflicted. i would hide under the blankets and try to hide everything until he asked me what i was doing. i told him i was self concious and he said, "if it bothered me, i wouldn't be here" . it didn't take it away completely but 6 months later, i am comfortable enough in front of him. and it only took a little while to get that way, not 6 months lol. he tells me how beautiful and sexy i am and even tho i still don't believe him, in his eyes, i am. they don't like to hear your insecurities, it's a turn off to them. they like confidence and pride. you're a woman, women have curves, those curves will get there attention. weight doesn't matter and shouldn't matter in relationships. i'm still insecure, but i hide it well. hope this helps, good luck and if he does have a problem, kick him to the curb cuz then he's not the right one for you.

SDkitty

Thank you all very much for your input! You're right of course, if it is meant to be it will work out without me stressing out about it like a crazy lady :blushing:

wxgal7

It's kind of fun to stress out about your new relationships anyway. It sounds like you think your guy is a real gem. That means he shouldn't feel put off by the fact that you are not ready to be intimate after a month of hanging out. Remember its still standard in many cultures to be (or pretend to be) a virgin until marriage. Focus on the more important reasons as to why you want to go there or why it might be prudent to wait. Don't let your self conciousness push you into a decision either way that might be the wrong one for a number of other reasons. If you are honest with him and with yourself everything will stay as nice as it is now.

SDkitty

That means he shouldn't feel put off by the fact that you are not ready to be intimate after a month of hanging out. Remember its still standard in many cultures to be (or pretend to be) a virgin until marriage.

Ha ha, this is very true BTW I didn't mean that I was going to jump in the sack after a month, more that I was stressing about the inevitable next level which would most likely come before I hit my goal weight. Thankfully he is out of town for a couple weeks for work so I don't have to worry about it now anyway! LOL