Relationship advice?

jennajava

Dad won't force him.

Why?

Besides, the mom has to provide written consent for counselling. Never going to happen.

Why?

zendarah

I took a couple of psychology lectures on blended families. This is what i would do from what i learnt.

Step one is to sit down with the dad only to talk about setting some "family rules". The rules should address things like being respectful and caring, or other traits that you both agree a child should have. You need to work out what behaviours you both think are acceptable and compromise. Your boyfriend may value a childs right to speak their mind, whereas you may just see it smartmouthing, Talk it over. Compromise.

Then you can move on to small rules that address current problems. Things like "you cant watch two of YOUR TV programs in a row" and "Kids have to help make dinner" or "Noone is permitted to speak negatively about a dinner they didnt help make". It doesnt matter really. Specific rules help in specific situations, such as dinnertime, nighttime or mornings.

Once you an your partner have AGREED on what you think are appropriate rules, take to the children together. The children should come up with some rules they like but make a good discussion of it. Then discuss your rules and explain your reasons as to why you want to make them family rules. The children should agreed with your rules. saying something like " it really hurts my feelings when you complain about my cooking" usually does the trick. If not, offer solutions, such as helping to make dinner, or being allowed to make cereal/toast for dinner but only if they do it themselves. Theyll get bored of toast eventually :laugh:

Finally, when a rule is broken it should be a "family" rule has been broken. Not your rule and not your partners rule. Your partner should hand out the punishment.

You guys really just need to be on the same page about this.

M3CH4N1C

I think the greatest gift, that is beyond any material riches, that a parent can give their children is self worth. Self worth is instilled in children through discipline, which consists of love and guidance. It appears as though his actions may be a reflection of him feeling not loved or being misguided, or both. Be mindful when you talk to him, because what we judge in others is how we condemn ourselves. Once a child reaches adulthood without attaining self worth, statistics show, ever growingly, that his chances of facilitating the completion of this will be a life long struggle in one facet or another.

jrhstarlight

I have been in a similar situation dated a guy 9 years older than me and he had 3 young kids. Unfortunately he and his ex wife didn't bring them up the best as far as rules, boundaries or discipline, they were pretty wild when I came into the picture. I worked hard for almost 3 years getting them straightened out. However, my ex fought me tooth and nail over this :explode: We had lots of nights similar to yours where I would lay the law down and he would swoop in and undermined me in front of them and go against what I already said. It was way too stressful and not worth it in the end so I had to break it off. (yes there were other issues as well but this was #1) I mean 3 years and nothing had changed, oh except my ballooning weight and blood pressure lol. Sometimes you need to do whats best for you. I would seriously talk to both and then sit down with yourself and look inside and make sure you are doing the right thing by staying.

I laugh when you say you won't give in to manipulation but you have and the son knows it (he is in control after all) and he will do what it takes so you buckle every time. Case in point he got angry at you and had to endure a few minutes or so of you yelling or being strict but you gave him the remote in the end, he got what he wanted. I would have NEVER handed the remote over. Plus you say he picks a game so you won't play and yet you don't, he won again. Show him who is boss and be a parent., you're in control not him.

Mom2rh

13 is a tough age. He's still a little kid in some ways. Trying to differentiate from adults. He's going to be testing boundaries no matter who is around. I think if I were you I'd get to know him better. Spend some time with him relating to him and figuring out who he is and what makes him tick.

Throwing your weight around and demanding respect without making an effort to have a relationship with him is going to bite you in the *kitten*.

wbgolden

Dad won't force him. Besides, the mom has to provide written consent for counselling. Never going to happen.

Just wait until he turns 14 and legally gets to make all his medical and mental health decisions for himself.

Yes, that's Washington State law.

auntiebabs

Okay, I love kids, but none of my own. I used to teach, I've a dozen nieces & nephews, I was a nanny for during my college years. So all of my experience has been with other peoples children.

Overall, the prevailing wisdom is that it is the Dad's job to handle discipline, by enlarge I agree, but...

There is one basic guideline I've developed for dealing with other peoples children.

When there behavior effects me directly. I get to draw a line.
Really just pretty much self-defense, I get to set boundaries on how I allow myself to be treated.
Others don't get to act or speak abusively to me, child or adult and I get to tell them so.

FOR EXAMPLE:
If a child comes up and is obviously about to hit me. I'll give him/her a warning (Saying "Don't do that!" with my serious face and my serious voice.) This gives them clear and direct expectations and it gives them a moment to think,. If they continue I don't feel it's unreasonable of me to grab the child's hand mid-strike and say "No! Your not allowed to hit me" I am not striking or man-handling the child I am preventing them from attacking me.
I know that's more of a 3-7 y.o. kind of example.

But what it comes down to is setting a clear expectation for behavior.
(just because it seems obvious to you, doesn't mean it's obvious to them)
"you are in my home and I expect you to treat me with respect"
The trick is NOT TO GET ANGRY, but a clear calm, "no, that's not okay."

So 1) ask for good behavior
And 2) don't forget praise for good behavior...
"Thank you for asking nicely, yes you may have the remote" or
"Thank you for asking nicely, you may have the remote after my show is over." (Hardly even sounds like a NO.)

It does sort of sounds like this child has not been told how to behave, so without expectations clearly set out for him he hasn't really had a fair shot. Kids will always push the boundaries, but it's the adults job to set them.

Really, It's the BF's job to set consequences or punishments for disobedience, but you could post some house rules along with consequences. That everyone must follow Adults and Kids alike. If the rules are clear and the consequences are clear anyone should be able to enforce them... but you have to be ready for the kids to call you out on your bad behavior as well, and they will be keeping an eagle eye out for it. When they catch you, you've got to take your medicine like everybody else (I hate that!)

Anything not covered in the house rules falls into to Dad's juristdiction.

auntiebabs

I am the first woman (post-mom) in the picture and we have been together a year and a half.

One thing you do have to remember is you were his Dad's choice not his choice.
He doesn't have to like you, but he does have to be polite and respectful.

If you start out treating each other politely and respectfully, with time and baby steps you can build a nice relationship.

fit4mom

Okay, I love kids, but none of my own. I used to teach, I've a dozen nieces & nephews, I was a nanny for during my college years. So all of my experience has been with other peoples children.

Overall, the prevailing wisdom is that it is the Dad's job to handle discipline, by enlarge I agree, but...

There is one basic guideline I've developed for dealing with other peoples children.

When there behavior effects me directly. I get to draw a line.
Really just pretty much self-defense, I get to set boundaries on how I allow myself to be treated.
Others don't get to act or speak abusively to me, child or adult and I get to tell them so.

FOR EXAMPLE:
If a child comes up and is obviously about to hit me. I'll give him/her a warning (Saying "Don't do that!" with my serious face and my serious voice.) This gives them clear and direct expectations and it gives them a moment to think,. If they continue I don't feel it's unreasonable of me to grab the child's hand mid-strike and say "No! Your not allowed to hit me" I am not striking or man-handling the child I am preventing them from attacking me.
I know that's more of a 3-7 y.o. kind of example.

But what it comes down to is setting a clear expectation for behavior.
(just because it seems obvious to you, doesn't mean it's obvious to them)
"you are in my home and I expect you to treat me with respect"
The trick is NOT TO GET ANGRY, but a clear calm, "no, that's not okay."

So 1) ask for good behavior
And 2) don't forget praise for good behavior...
"Thank you for asking nicely, yes you may have the remote" or
"Thank you for asking nicely, you may have the remote after my show is over." (Hardly even sounds like a NO.)

It does sort of sounds like this child has not been told how to behave, so without expectations clearly set out for him he hasn't really had a fair shot. Kids will always push the boundaries, but it's the adults job to set them.

Really, It's the BF's job to set consequences or punishments for disobedience, but you could post some house rules along with consequences. That everyone must follow Adults and Kids alike. If the rules are clear and the consequences are clear anyone should be able to enforce them... but you have to be ready for the kids to call you out on your bad behavior as well, and they will be keeping an eagle eye out for it. When they catch you, you've got to take your medicine like everybody else (I hate that!)

Anything not covered in the house rules falls into to Dad's juristdiction.

I love this. THE BEST ADVICE EVER! We often forget that we have value and your spot on! I love your wisdome!

Johnny_Castle

Me giving relationship advice would be like Rosie O'donnell giving fitness advice or Larry King giving fashion advice and etc

Elizabeth_C34

If his dad won't discipline him and demand he respect you, that is a big fat glowing neon sign of warning about your boyfriend. The responsibility for disciplining him lies with the Dad when he's at you and your boyfriend's house, not you. If he won't, you need to stand up for yourself and strongly consider spending the rest of your life with him. Imagine if he's that lazy about disciplining your own kids later on?