Need Some Input

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EDesq
EDesq Posts: 1,527 Member
in Chit-Chat
Recently I relocated back to My hometown. I was invited to stay with My Sister until I get My own place. My Sister has adopted 3 kids and had them since infancy. They are emerging teens now and I had never met them before...YEA, it's been a while. Anyway, we (Me and the kids) have NOT hit it off. Basically, we "tolerate" each other; sometimes I think that My Sister feels like she is in the middle...She loves Me and the Kids, but Me and the kids are like oil and water. I don't like to even eat meals with them but I make Myself be cordial.

ANY advice for NOW and in the Future (when I move out.) HELP!

Replies

  • poisongirl6485
    poisongirl6485 Posts: 1,487 Member
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    Be civil and respectful. Move out ASAP.
  • ElizabethRoad
    ElizabethRoad Posts: 5,138 Member
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    Maybe if you stopped thinking of them as your sister's adopted kids, and started thinking of them as your nieces/nephews.
  • annabellj
    annabellj Posts: 1,337 Member
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    you catch more flies with honey as the saying goes, just be super sweet, maybe if you can take em to a movie or shopping. it doesnt have to be a big spend but teens like that kind of stuff and it would go a long way in keeping the peace. find out what they like to do and show an intererst in it. my kids like to go to cons. most people think it is silly but they like it so i started dressing like a princess and now i have fun too!
  • goldfinger88
    goldfinger88 Posts: 686 Member
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    You have to pretty much live by their rules and try to get along while you're there. Make every effort to get your own place. Even if it's not your dream house or apartment or whatever, get out. Spend as much time as you can outside the house and in your own space until you can get out.
  • cpegasus01
    cpegasus01 Posts: 400 Member
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    Have you made any serious efforts to "really" get to know the kids? Maybe they feel threatened by you being there. Just an idea.
  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,022 Member
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    I was going to ask what you have done so far to try to make them comfortable around you. If you've made the effort, that's all you can do. If you haven't, time to start. But some kids, especially teenagers, are just bratty, and nothing you do or say will make them happy. From my experience, it depends entirely upon how they were raised and what you sister has demanded of them.

    When I was a kid, my dad's brother lived with us for a while when he and his wife were separated, and although we'd been around him since we were born and knew him very well, it was still an adjustment for us, having another adult living in the house. But my parents made it clear to us that we were to treat him with respect and make him feel welcome in our house.
  • grassette
    grassette Posts: 976 Member
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    It can be hard. You are invading their intimate space. Mom pays less attention to them. And they act out.

    I had a similar experience when I went to stay with my sister while she was recovering from surgery for breast cancer. The kids were too young to know, except that they knew something was up. And then I was there. Disturbing their family intimacy.

    Ever date a divorced Dad with kids? The same thing happens.

    What to do about it? Relieve your sister of some of the chores so that she and dad get more quality time for the kids. Take the kids out on dates for a bit of one on one time. Do activites as a family. Go out on picnics and be the one that puts the meal on the table while mom and dad are having fun.

    Tell funny stories. Make yourself fun to be with. And don't fall into the trap of becoming another sibbling. And if you can't move out for a while, find a way to make yourself scarce so that they are not constantly tripping over you. Go to the public library. Go out for coffee with a book. Realize that they need their intimacy, their space, and figure out how to make it happen for them.

    Good luck!
  • karenjoy
    karenjoy Posts: 1,840 Member
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    maybe the clue is that you have never met them before, and they are teenagers and they are your sisters children....

    maybe they are pissed on her behalf that you just show up when YOU need something, like a roof
  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,022 Member
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    maybe they are pissed on her behalf that you just show up when YOU need something, like a roof

    She said she was INVITED to stay, not that she showed up and forced herself on the family.

    Besides, most teenagers are too self-obsessed to be pissed about anything on their mother's behalf.
  • EDesq
    EDesq Posts: 1,527 Member
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    These are great ideas. Actually, I embraced them and them Me when I first got there. As time has worn on there are some real bad attitudes that have emerged. Frankly, I can't earn enough money to give them that will make them happy. The problems started when one of the girls asked to go with Me to the store, and I said not this time. See, every time I went somewhere they "expected" to go or be invited. My Sister works REALLY hard to give them many advantages, but there seems to be no appreciation, even selfishness.

    The ONLY reason I mentioned that they are adopted is because I am wondering if they are exhibiting personalty or attitude. If their actions could be mainly attributed to heredity (personalty), at the same time I remember that My Sister had a really bad attitude when we were growing up - maybe they got it from her (My Sister is a very generous person BUT I would NOT want to be her Server in a Restaurant, or cashier at the Grocery Store...if you get My meaning.) I guess it is fair to say, I Love them - BUT I do not Like them.
  • servilia
    servilia Posts: 3,452 Member
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    maybe the clue is that you have never met them before, and they are teenagers and they are your sisters children....

    maybe they are pissed on her behalf that you just show up when YOU need something, like a roof

    Kind of thinking this. And regarding having been invited, that may be true, but normal siblings will put an invitation out there for a brother/sister who has nowhere to live. Not much choice there really. I wouldn't leave my sister to live on the streets either.
  • EDesq
    EDesq Posts: 1,527 Member
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    maybe the clue is that you have never met them before, and they are teenagers and they are your sisters children....

    maybe they are pissed on her behalf that you just show up when YOU need something, like a roof

    Kind of thinking this. And regarding having been invited, that may be true, but normal siblings will put an invitation out there for a brother/sister who has nowhere to live. Not much choice there really. I wouldn't leave my sister to live on the streets either.


    That's the thing...I have "Means" and I give My Oldest Sister a generous stipend to stay here. When My youngest Sister moved back home for CT with her 2 sons, she also stayed with My Oldest Sister for 6 months until her home was built and she gave her NOTHING... BUT My Oldest Sister did not have kids, yet.

    I have a very private basement area and I try to give them space and private time...but when I stay to Myself or go over to other relatives for a few hours My Sister acts like she gets upset with Me. I have though that I maybe was intruding on their space...but when I mention moving out My Sister reacts like I am saying something wrong.
  • dragonbait0126
    dragonbait0126 Posts: 568 Member
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    These are great ideas. Actually, I embraced them and them Me when I first got there. As time has worn on there are some real bad attitudes that have emerged. Frankly, I can't earn enough money to give them that will make them happy. The problems started when one of the girls asked to go with Me to the store, and I said not this time. See, every time I went somewhere they "expected" to go or be invited. My Sister works REALLY hard to give them many advantages, but there seems to be no appreciation, even selfishness.

    ^^^There's the issue. Why can't they just go to the store with you? You don't have to buy them anything but the opening to spend time with your neice was right there and you said "not this time." There's no harm in letting them go to the store with you. If there is a reason they can't go with you instead of just saying "not this time" give them a reason. If they go with you and they want to to buy them something simply explain that you are trying to save up money to move out and that you will not buy them anything right now. They're teenagers. They are old enough to understand money situations and frankly, IMHO, should be learning how to handle finances. I can't remember if you stated this or not so forgive me, but how much time does your sister spend with them? Do material possessions take the place of spending personal time together?
  • CoraGregoryCPA
    CoraGregoryCPA Posts: 1,087 Member
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    I wonder why they don't like you. How old are they exactly? Do they even get along with their mom? You made it a point that they are all adopted, do you make them feel that way? Do you remind them that they are adopted?

    Just curious on my questions, I'm not attacking you. I'd highly recommend moving out. If you have tried, which you are writing here for help so I'm thinking you are at least trying to do whatever possible, then I'd try my best to move out.

    Edit* I read your post above about your statement of the "adoption". But you also said you love them, but you don't like them. Kids, like animals, can sense these things. They know more than you think. They can probably feel that you don't like them. People always underestimate kids, but they know more and can feel more than you think.
  • CoraGregoryCPA
    CoraGregoryCPA Posts: 1,087 Member
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    It can be hard. You are invading their intimate space. Mom pays less attention to them. And they act out.

    I had a similar experience when I went to stay with my sister while she was recovering from surgery for breast cancer. The kids were too young to know, except that they knew something was up. And then I was there. Disturbing their family intimacy.

    Ever date a divorced Dad with kids? The same thing happens.

    What to do about it? Relieve your sister of some of the chores so that she and dad get more quality time for the kids. Take the kids out on dates for a bit of one on one time. Do activites as a family. Go out on picnics and be the one that puts the meal on the table while mom and dad are having fun.

    Tell funny stories. Make yourself fun to be with. And don't fall into the trap of becoming another sibbling. And if you can't move out for a while, find a way to make yourself scarce so that they are not constantly tripping over you. Go to the public library. Go out for coffee with a book. Realize that they need their intimacy, their space, and figure out how to make it happen for them.

    Good luck!

    I love this idea!! Going to a park or hiking on a trail doesn't cost money!
  • missbp
    missbp Posts: 601 Member
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    Yes. Move out. It is their home and frankly, you are the outsider. It doesn't really matter what their attitudes are like, or if they are disappointed that you are not buying them things or taking them places. They are your sister's kids and she is responsible for bringing them up.

    I hope this does not seem mean, but I am curious about why you have never met them before. I can't imagine my sister raising kids from infancy into the teen years and never having met them. I suppose all families are different, but that seems like a long time to not to have any face time.

    Hope it all works out for you. Good luck!
  • Johnnyswife
    Johnnyswife Posts: 1,447 Member
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    Maybe if you stopped thinking of them as your sister's adopted kids, and started thinking of them as your nieces/nephews.
    Yes this. Your looking at them as outsiders when really, they are putting up with you in their home. Your the outsider and you have to respect their feelings and try not to step on toes or invade their personal space too much.

    I like the sugestion that someone made to take them out for a meal or a movie or something. Try to get to know them better, and plan to move soon!

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