Relationships

t_rog

Never been in this section of the forums before, but MFP has been good for all kinds of support and advice so I figured i'd check it out

Anyways, I guess my question is, how do you guys deal with issues? When your significant other REALLY pisses you off, what do you do? How do you not take it personally? My only coping mechanism at the moment is to either fly off the handle or basically just disappear (turn phone off, not deal with anyone).

Ah...life is frustrating sometimes.

Erindipitous

Depends on why I'm pissed.. Typically, I'll turn my phone off if he isn't home or if I'm out somewhere. Probably not the best way to cope, but if I let myself go off the deep end, I'm likely to say something I would regret later.

ETA: The more acceptable answer would be to talk it out.. And I do this when it's an option. He and I are both very stubborn, so it makes for difficult resolutions.

twiztedgrl69

You know what, time away is a good thing...we try to make sure we spend at least 1 night a week out away from each other...you have to have your free time away or else you do get completely sick of each other, especially if you two are really alike like my b/f and I are

starbucksbuzz

Sometimes if I control it fairly well I just go run, and then when I come back we've both cooled down enough to discuss things rationally.

C and I have always had a kindof debate structure to our friendship and then relationship - if we disagree on something we both lay out what we think and why and then find a compromise of some kind. The only times I get really upset usually is if IS something personal. If it escalates that far.

rosebarnalice

Gotta say that I just don't get all that pissed with him. But when I get irritated I try to remember that I'm human and he's human, too, and if I'm getting pissed at him for basically just being human, then *I'm* the one being unreasonable.

If it's stupidity (rarely) or carelessness (more common), I favor the "I" approach-- that is, I never say "*you* did this wrong* or *you* an insensitive manchild". Instead, I say "I felt this way when you did X", or "when I found Y it upset me." That way, I'm being honest about what's upsetting me, but I am not putting him on the defensive by accusing him of something.

shovav91

This may sound corny, but a great way to resolve issues is through something called VOMP.
V- Each person gets to vent. Make sure not to be accusing when you do so.
O- Own up, each person owns up to something they may have done wrong
M- Moccasin, describe how it would feel to be in the other person's shoes in that situation
P- Plan ahead so the situation doesn't happen again!

luv_lea

Best way I've found of dealing with any kind of stress is working out. I always feel better afterwards.

I also do what you mentioned of turning my phone off and 'stepping away' from it for a little while.

sunkisses

I'm a bit pragmatic in that I weigh whether there are more bad times than good times. If the overall sense of my relationship is negative for me, then I get out of the relationship. If I've decided to continue to endure this relationship through the trying times, I try to find something positive in whatever negativity I'm being faced with. In other words, "What can I get out of this?"

sunnyzephyr

My boyfriend and I recently had a discussion about this. When we get in an argument, I like to fix it immediately. However, he needs space. He likes to have time to think about how he feels before he can articulate it to me and fix the issue. According to him, most guys prefer to deal with things that way. It has helped me in our relationship to know that. Hope it can help you too.

rlv2680

it's hard. my guy can be so insensative sometimes...i have to keep reminding myself that he is entiled to feel and say what he feels, just like me i am entiled to feel pissed when he says something that hurts my feelings

rose_mortem

ignore him and go to sleep! lol. the next day we always talk it out in the morning, and we both usually admit what we did wrong.

kennethmgreen

I'm a bit pragmatic in that I weigh whether there are more bad times than good times. If the overall sense of my relationship is negative for me, then I get out of the relationship. If I've decided to continue to endure this relationship through the trying times, I try to find something positive in whatever negativity I'm being faced with. In other words, "What can I get out of this?"

Good stuff. I suspect the percentage of folks that subscribe to this changes with age. What you wrote is selfish. Not in the shame-based connotations so often painted on the word selfish, but the deeper meaning of being concerned with self. Success in relationships require a focus on self. I have to know what I want, what I'm willing to compromise, what makes me happy, what makes me angry, etc. Too many failed relationships littered with not having very clear answers on any of those. When I stopped trying to mold relationship partners into an ideal and focused more on how I wanted to show up in a relationship, things got really interesting.

Contrarian

I like to talk things out until we both apologise and feel better.

mrmarius

my wife is the only person that can really cause me to fly off the handle. usually if she does something or says something that pisses me off in that manner i go for a walk and calm down and then later on we resolve the issue.. i agree with whats been said take inventory and if the relationship has more negatives than positives end it no point in being in a bad relationship

lor007

Talking things out works for us. Sometimes I yell and sometimes he yells, but eventually we come to our senses and start using our inside voices again. We always work it out.

secostley

I rarely allow things to get to the point of really pissing me off. Usually because I try to talk them through while everyone is still rationale. If matter rise to the point where voices are getting loud and/or personal attacks are getting launched, I usually will ask that the issue get "tabled" until it can be discussed by both sides rationally.

What I struggle the most with is when the person that I'm attached to just shuts down (i.e. stops talking). I'm a communicator, so when she shuts down on me, I really don't know what to think. Silence is deafening to me. I simply need to talk. Short periods are fine, but prolonged periods of time are a struggle. To me, if you love someone, you talk to them--at least about other things not associated with the issue. But when there's a complete verbal shutdown, that's rough. I manage, because I love her and want her to cope/deal with issues in a way that is best for her. I want to support her. I'm sure there's a middle ground between methodologies. We'd have to explore that more.

I went off on a tangent, but to summarize, I prefer to talk out issues before they escalate.

calibri

We have separate rooms in addition to our bedroom, so we have "areas" we can go to where we can be away from each other. We don't really argue a lot; we've both been in emotionally charged relationships in the past and I think it's worn us out, honestly. We enjoy each other's company, but just can't find the effort to be angry for more than a few minutes.

I have discovered that exercising makes me feel better whenever I am agitated or feel frustrated with anything in general.

calibri

Blerg, double post.