Getting Along with the Ex-spouse?

catshark209

How many of you guys get along or otherwise have a civil relationship with your ex husband/wife/partner?

How many of you do not?

Does anyone consider it "weird" to get along with them? For those of you that do maintain a decent relationship, are there children involved?

Reason I ask is because I get along with my ex husband pretty well. We did have a period right after our separation where things got hairy so to speak, but in general we try and keep things civil for the sake of our son. Some "friends" of mine have decided if I'm not having screaming fights with him or otherwise having "babymama/babydaddy" drama, then we must still have feelings for each other.
We do not.

drpurl

Oh, I wish! I have been divorced for 5 years and it is getting worse. Everything with him is a fight.

If I had a working relationship with him, I know I would NOT have feelings for him. I divorced him for a reason.

rml_16

Not me, but my parents get along better since they split up. I think they make great friends, but should never have been married to each other.

I don't find it odd, but some other people do. I think it's great if you can get along with an ex, and even better if children are involved.

VeryKerri

I work hard to have a decent relationship with my ex. We have a daughter together and I still very much love my ex step children and want to see them and be a part of their lives. Just because he and I could not make our marriage work doesnt mean we cant get along to raise our daughter together. I dont want to imply that we dont have some problems, but for the most part I dont let it make me that upset. I also dont think that its strange to get along with your ex. I would think that the drama would stem from having remnants of feelings. Once I stopped having those for my ex, there was no reason to have drama. In my opinion of course.

Just_Dot

My ex-husband and I have a son together who is now 5. We separated when our son was 11 months, so we've been apart for a long time. While it was a bit strained the first few months post-separation, we get along really well. The past couple of years he's come to our neighborhood to do trick or treating with all of the neighborhood, we do family dinners (holidays, mostly) with he and my now-husband, etc. I think it is so much better when exes, especially ones that have kids together can get along. That's not to say that I don't think he's an idiot most of the time...because I do, but he's a nice guy, just a bit misguided at times!

TheAncientMariner

Not me, but my parents get along better since they split up. I think they make great friends, but should never have been married to each other.

I don't find it odd, but some other people do. I think it's great if you can get along with an ex, and even better if children are involved.

That is a very interesting viewpoint. It actually makes me smile when children can see this in their parents. I think that shows an incredibly balanced and mature viewpoint. In addition, it seems that the way your parents handled the thing was with class and mutual understanding! Too awesome!

Just_Dot

Oh, a previous poster brought up the ex-step kids thing. I have 2 ex-step children, who are 21 and 20, the 21 year old girl just had a baby (my son is an uncle!) and she's already referring to me as "Aunt Amy", especially since my son and her daughter will most likely grow up as siblings, rather than aunt and uncle.

It was important to me to continue my relationship with his kids, especially his daughter, because I practically raised them from the ages of 9/10 to 15/16.

jennajava

Reason I ask is because I get along with my ex husband pretty well. We did have a period right after our separation where things got hairy so to speak, but in general we try and keep things civil for the sake of our son. Some "friends" of mine have decided if I'm not having screaming fights with him or otherwise having "babymama/babydaddy" drama, then we must still have feelings for each other.
We do not.

I have heard a lot of people say that they actually find a good friend in their ex, because the qualities that made them come together in the first place are still there, and all of the pressure is gone.

HappyathomeMN

I do not get along with my ex - AT ALL!! He calls screaming and swearing and is still trying to control what I do. His latest ploy is to stop paying child support, so now he's mad that I filed with Child Support Services and it's all on record that he is in arrears. He randomly decided that he should just have to pay 400 per month for 4 kids, instead of the court ordered 1100. It would be nice if he would grow up and be able to discuss the children and their life, but he will not let that happen.

However, just because you get along with your ex does not mean that you still have feelings, it means that you are both grown up enough to deal with the situation at hand and behave like responsible parents should behave. It's best for your child and your own life that you can get along - wish I could say the same!!

jennajava

Oh, a previous poster brought up the ex-step kids thing. I have 2 ex-step children, who are 21 and 20, the 21 year old girl just had a baby (my son is an uncle!) and she's already referring to me as "Aunt Amy", especially since my son and her daughter will most likely grow up as siblings, rather than aunt and uncle.

It was important to me to continue my relationship with his kids, especially his daughter, because I practically raised them from the ages of 9/10 to 15/16.

This is wonderful. I have a half brother whose mother was in a monogamous relationship with another woman for almost 15 years of his life. (My dad made her swing to the other side LOL!) They have since separated, but my brother still feels her ex is one of his "mothers" also. She has always been there for him, and he loves her. His mom, however, doesn't understand why he can't "just let her go." ...because she had a part in raising him! What a big mess.

Iamfit4life

We co-habitated through the entire separation/divorce. Different beds(in fact different floors) and such.
I think this helped us learn how to relate as not spouses, but co-parents.

We get along pretty well, things are pretty good. As good as they are ever going to be.
I do sometimes regard him as a strange piece of fruit or veggie I used to like but now dislike.

Like "really, what was I thinking?"

jennajava

I do sometimes regard him as a strange piece of fruit or veggie I used to like but now dislike.

Like "really, what was I thinking?"

I almost spit out my coffee! LOL!

Emagali74

I dont get along with my ex at all, I wish I did.

We were fairly civil at first and up to when we got divorced. We have a daughter together but since shes growing older and doesnt want to see him as much-shes a teenager now, everything is a fight with him. He doesnt see that our daughter has her own thoughts and opinions and thinks of her as a little girl still and speaks to her like shes 5 years old.

It has now got to the point where I havent spoken to him for over a year. Any communincation which is very fleeting is done by text because we cannot speak without having a blazing argument.

He is a lot older than me by 14 years and is very set in his ways. (Part of the reason why we split up) and I am worried because his rigid stance on everything is now clashing with my daughter and her teenage hormones. I have tried to play peace negotiator once but he went back on something he promised to her and now I dont see why I should try and help him out. If he cant learn how to speak to or handle his own daughter then I dont know what I can do. I just tell her she needs to be civil and respectful to him and when they invariably fall out that she should always try and resolve things with him as soon as she can.

The problem I have now is that its happened that often that shes actually past the point of caring......... its really sad actually. :0(

I dont badmouth him to her and never have. I have always let him have access despite the two and a half hour distance between us but he seems determined to ruin his relationship with her.....

Phew! Rant over. I think it would be great if everyone could get along with their exes but in the real world that is never going to happen. Sometimes for legitimate reasons.

LuckyLeprechaun

my parents got along really well after they got divorced. So well my dad would come hang out with my mom and my stepdad at my new home. I was aware at the time that it was unusual, because people would tell me so, but it made it very easy on me. I couldn't even really understand until I was much older why divorce is considered to be such a bad thing.


Then I met my darling husband, and learned how ugly baby-momma-drama can be. I was the new stepmom in the situation, and the ugliness that was spewed out of the ex-wife was horrifying. The kids were all harmed by it. I absolutely hated being a spectator for it all...and that's what I was because I had no power or say in the situation really. Ugly stuff. It's a million times better now that they are all over 18.

drpurl

I am glad that I am not the only one who has problems with their ex. We had 5 children together, 3 of the kids live with me full-time and the 2 youngest go back and forth 50% of the time. However, he never sees our 3 older children. Our 14 year old hasn't seen her Dad in almost 2 months.

sjtreely

Yes, it's very natural for me to understand ex's getting along. My parents were exemplars in showing me how to do that. Even after they were divorced, we spent every holiday together - Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, etc. They realized it was just easier on us kids. I never felt uncomfortable. My dad's wife and my mom always got along. When my father passed away, it was my mother who led the discussion for funeral preparations while we all sat at the hospital.

Now, with all that being said, my ex cringes at the thought of spending any time with me - even for the sake of the kids. I can't understand his anger. We've both done things that have been hurtful. And trust me, I would never just go and have tea and cookies with him - but if it's something about the kids and they need the support of both parents, I can put them first. He can't. When push has come to shove (son's granduation party, etc.) they he's attended, but there's no conversation between us and he makes a quick exit. But at sporting events with my son - pffft - he stayed clear of my side of the gym, would walk a mile out of his way to not have to walk past me. That kind of stuff ... I just don't get. His loss, though.

My kids have expressed their concerns for holidays and the issues it will cause if this behavior continues. I believe he will end up regretting his actions. Time will tell. Until then, I'm the one making the 13 hour trip to see my son for Thanksgiving and taking dinner to his buddies at the Naval base. His dad, on the other hand, has offered to take the dog. Hummm... wonder who's going to have the better memory?

catshark209

Pretty great posts!
And here I thought I was weird or whatever.

Don't get me wrong, when I initially said things got hairy, they got bad. It was after we let some time go by that we decided it would be better for our son for us to get along. We spend holidays together and do Halloween together and while his girlfriends (he changes them like he changes socks) don't understand why we get along, we do make the best of it. My partner and ex get along well, unfortunately, since my ex always has a different girl, I never have the opportunity to get to know them.

rml_16

Not me, but my parents get along better since they split up. I think they make great friends, but should never have been married to each other.

I don't find it odd, but some other people do. I think it's great if you can get along with an ex, and even better if children are involved.

That is a very interesting viewpoint. It actually makes me smile when children can see this in their parents. I think that shows an incredibly balanced and mature viewpoint. In addition, it seems that the way your parents handled the thing was with class and mutual understanding! Too awesome!

Well, I wouldn't say THAT! lol It wasn't a pretty divorce, but I guess they never are. I was 17 and already pregnant with my daughter when they finally separated, too, so it's a different perspective. But they fought a LOT when I was growing up -- knock down, drags outs, sometimes in the middle of the night. I think I always knew they would be better off apart. They did separate once before, when I was 8 or 9, but it didn't stick. And they spent a lot of time together then, too, so other than sort of living in two houses, my life didn't get too impacted.

I think although they didn't handle each other well, they handled me OK. As an adult, I've learned a lot about the things other children went through with their parents, and despite the faults of my own, I think I lucked out.

jend78

My ex-husband and I are great friends. At the time of our divorce things were pretty nasty, but we decided to put it all behind us and concentrate on our kids being happy. I think people just assume if you're divorced you should hate each other, which sadly seems to be the case for most. Though it does depend on the situation and people, I know quite a few divorced people who do not get along with their ex at all, and if I had to put up with some of the BS that goes on their situations I'm sure I wouldn't be getting along with mine either. I have had people tell me over the years that they think it's crazy how my ex-husband , my current husband, and myself will all sit together at the kids sporting events. I'm grateful that my kids are happy right along with myself

JulieSD

My ex-husband and I are friends. We have worked through the issues that led up to the separation/ending of the marriage but we realized that we shouldn't be married.

During the end 6 months of the marriage he was really controlling, very nasty, rude and made me see like a 'bad guy' to our friends. I knew something was up with him and kept encouraging him to seek professional help. But he waited and waited and waited...too long. I had grown resentful and angry.

I sat him down for the third time and told him straight up that I loved him and I could eventually forgive him for the way he was treating me but I could never forget. That was when he went to see our family doctor, began to get help and is now happy.

We are much better friends now then we were near the end of the marriage. We both agree that our children are number one and we will always do what is best for them and us getting along is what is best for them. So I've forgiven him and hes forgiven me for 'ending too soon' and we are happy. I hope that he finds the love that he needs and deserves and that he has learned to treat her with constant respect and love.

We still do Christmas together, Birthdays together, we text/call one another when we see something the girls may like to verify they can have it/need it/want it/the other parent didnt get it. Its nice.

Just_Dot

catshark, are our exes the same person? Lol! The comment about changing girlfriends sounded like something I'd say. His latest ex "forbid" him to invite me to play soccer with his coed team, even though they were hurting for women, because she didn't want the two of us to "reconnect over the sport that you (we) both love". :laugh: Um, yeah. We're exes for a reason...trust me, my husband now kicks *kitten*, and there's no way I'd want the ex back!

I was the step-mom for both of his kids and the venom and back-biting towards me (or the kids because they liked me) was horrible, and ex and I never wanted to put our son through that sort of situation.

I get, however, that there's some exes you just *can't* stay friends with, or even be on civil terms with.