Ashamed

TheFitHooker

Ok don't get me wrong I enjoy the attention.

The past few days my husband has been telling me things he wants to get me and stuff like that. I talked about before how he hardly can keep his hands off me since I started dropping in weight. I'm less then 2lbs from being lighter then I've been in over 8yrs. I'm tickled pink.

Before when I was over 200lbs my husband wouldn't buy me much of anything, never really cared about doing much of anything with me. While yes I can understand maybe not finding me attractive at that stage, cus I wasn't attractive I look at the photo's of before and can't believe I ever let myself get that big. I still can't help but feel worthless if I'm that big, not good enough to buy nice things for, not good enough to be held. Things like that.

Last night I finally had to talk to him about my feelings on this, he kept on going on and on about things he wanted to get me. So we sat down and I asked him why am I all the sudden worth all these nice things? I love it but I can't help but think what if I slip back into old habits? I don't want to but the fat gene runs in my family on both sides. My mom use to be a stick, she gained after having kids, she lost a lot, and then gained it all back with age so I can't help but think what if I gain it back? He told me that he was ashamed to be seen with me, while yeah it hurt to hear that, and sometimes not saying things like that at all is best. When I asked him "What if I never decided that I needed to lose weight?" He said something I hope he really didn't mean, he said he didn't mean it but part of me can't help but wonder if he did. He said "We'd probably end up divorce." So then I asked him "So you are only with me for how I look?" that's when he back tracked and said that he realizes how bad that sounds and he doesn't really think he would leave me.

Believe me I'm going to work hard to keep the weight off when I'm done losing, I'm going to work hard to keep myself in good shape, thing is I say that now, but WHAT IF? I can't help but think my husband might be ashamed to be seen with me again. Lord know's he isn't perfect but I married him for better or worse, he's put on weight, he could use to lose. There are other things that aren't attractive on him, but I would never shun him for those, we all change the older we get, our metabolism slows down after kids, our bodies are never the same.

I can't say the things he told me didn't hurt me, because they did. I know I'm not the same person I was 3 months ago or at least the weight isn't the same. I'm trying to process it I guess.

dls06

Enjoy the new found attention. Do you know how many people wish losing a few pounds could help their love life?

MixMastaPJ

Some people don't seem to think that those who are overweight just look bad.

Sometimes people can (mistakenly) judge those who are fat and overweight, as people who make poor decisions and don't have strong will power. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but it is the opinion of a lot of people out there. Not just spouses. It may run parallel as a commitment issue: if you can't stay commited to eating right and exercising when you know it's what you should do, how can he be sure that you'll make the right decisions when faced with temptation.

tuffytuffy1

Wow. I am so sorry he is so superficial as to feel ashamed to be seen with you and to be with you when you were heavier. That is something I don't think I could get over, frankly. I think I would fall into a deep depression if my husband told me that. If he thinks you are not worth loving based on your weight, that's a huge sign to me.

xxx_Pink_Princess_xxx

Im sorry but I think that is sooo out of order!!! xx

ajfrench

Being single, I can't fully relate to what you're going through. But as I lose weight and my confidence grows, I think of all the men who suddenly find me more attractive and I always think - what if I had met them five months ago? They wouldn't give me a second glance.

It's hard to deal with these emotions, and I'm so sorry you have found yourself in this position.

maidentl

While he did say some not-so-tactful things, is it possible that YOU change with the weight? I know for me, I was miserable and depressed and was not interested in trying to be sexy because I just felt ugly. Now that I've lost some, I am feeling better and more positive. Perhaps if you went through something similar, your husband is responding to your attitude?

lloydrt

Id be hurt to hear that some one was ashamed to be with me when I was overweight...........and, Id never ever say that to a living soul........

also, what happens when he gets older, bald and wrinkled up............maybe Karmas plays both ways

Forme4real2

I have no real advice to give you just my support and sympathy. It's hard being a woman because we are constantly worried about how we look, especially after having kids. I hope that your husband doesn't mean what he said and was just trying to encourage you but it came out wrong. It angers me that he said that because that type of stress and pressure is extactly what will push you over the edge to either end up with an eating disorder or pack the pounds back on. Maybe you need to express to him how much this really hurt you and how it's not fair of him to put that type of stuff on you. How your wedding vows say, "for better or for worse".

Honestly I really want to tell him he's a jerk and he needs to go "fly a kite".

Lots of Love and keep up the good work!

cessnaholly

Wow. I am so sorry he is so superficial as to feel ashamed to be seen with you and to be with you when you were heavier. That is something I don't think I could get over, frankly. I think I would fall into a deep depression if my husband told me that. If he thinks you are not worth loving based on your weight, that's a huge sign to me.

^ This.

Sounds like you guys need to do some more talking. (HUGS)

DarkAngel525

I understand why you feel sad. A couple of my previous boyfriends had really pushed more and more for me to lose weight. Lose more, lose faster. Then it became like a reward/punishment thing. I'll give you nice things and attention if you lose or I'll be not as nice and turn my back if you gain. Luckily, in the last year and a half I've taken time to really heal from that and realize that I need and deserve someone who will like me however I am. I'm glad you and your husband are still together and the spark is back, but it sounds like there might need to be a part II to that conversation now that some of part I has sunk in for you. Good luck :flowerforyou:

Amber82479

First, I'm glad that you said something too him. That being said, I'm very sorry to hear about his response. You deserve better than that. You deserve to be loved for your inner person, regardless of whether your outer person is 120 pounds or 400 pounds. You have a right to feel hurt - what he said was very shallow and insensitive. And it's completely unfair for you to have to live in fear of gaining weight down the road because he might divorce you. That's no way to live. I'm praying for you and sending you hugs. Keep doing what you're doing to get healthy, but do it for YOU. That's the key to maintaining the healthy lifestyle down the road.

GoldSag1

(((HUGS)))
I'm so sorry you didn't/don't have the support/love/affection of your husband throughout your weight loss journey. I can only imagine how alone you must have felt.

With that said, use your new lifestyle as strength to take on anything. You are powerful and strong. I know you have gotten a confidence boost. Don't worry about gaining the weight back, you won't. You have committed to a lifestyle change. As far as your husband being ashamed of you, shame on him. Did he at least offer to workout with you?

erxkeel

Don't be mad at him for opening up and sharings his true feelings, cuz if you *kitten* on him for doing so, he won't ever again.

Falling_star

sorry to say this and i dont mean any offence but ur husband sounds shallow, i can understand him finding you more attractive now you thin but the things he has said are offensive to you, my partner has always loved me and treats me the same now as when i was at my heavyist, and says he loves me no matter what my size, i think hes is showing a lack of respect for you and it is not acceptable.(sori abt the spelling)

CJK1959

While he did say some not-so-tactful things, is it possible that YOU change with the weight? I know for me, I was miserable and depressed and was not interested in trying to be sexy because I just felt ugly. Now that I've lost some, I am feeling better and more positive. Perhaps if you went through something similar, your husband is responding to your attitude?

I understand how hurtful it was to hear those things, but I think that ^^^ this could have some truth to it. I know when I started to lose, I felt better about myself and when you do, that radiates out to everyone around you. I would still talk through this with your husband though and try to get to the heart of what he means.

cygnetpro

Oh, you made me gasp. First, let's be honest-- men tend to be very visual. And also let me say, good for you for getting your weight and health back on track, girl!

That would shock me if my husband had said that to me. The reality is that stuff happens in life, and when you marry, you are saying that you are willing to be there through it all. Illnesses, good times, tragedies, etc. So getting a window into his mind that he would have considered divorcing you if you had not lost the weight, and was ashamed of you when you were heavy would make me really insecure as a spouse. I'm not saying that he doesn't have the right to expect that his spouse takes care of herself, etc. I think that's fair in a marriage. I didn't mind romantically when my husband put on weight, but it scared me to death that he'd drop over from a heart attack. But I never would have considered divorcing him over it. And I never once felt ashamed of him, even at his heaviest.

Again, good for you for doing this, and hope all goes well with the hubby. :-)

GabriellaFabulous

This is a difficult one. It's easy to say he should love you no matter what you look like, and I'm sure he does love you no matter what you look like. However attraction is a different thing. I believe couples, particularly after having children and after years of marriage need to work at being attractive to each other as well as maintaining intimacy, keeping the passion alive etc. Sometimes it's easy to get into a rut and become complacent. I know this can be difficult when we get tired and busy and have young children but I guess what I'm saying in a way is that we have a responsbility to take care of ourselves and our appearance as well as other aspects of our health.
I know it's hurtful and I agree it would have rocked my own relationship had I heard that and I'm not saying it's right that he said that, however the reality is that he was not attracted to you in the same way that he had been previously and was just being honest and he needs to be allowed to be honest even though it hurts. Better that you know that it is important to him that you look good and be healthy. Some men might not mind but obviously your husband does. I know this answer may be unpopular but it's just one way of looking at it. You have done a fantastic job at losing weight, you have revived some of that passion that you had before you had children and you are incredible for having done this. To get the balance right here maybe you could mention to your husband that if you've lost weight perhaps he could too! I'm not saying you're not worth loving because you are overweight, that is not true at all. It's simply that it's important to your husband and that's just the way he is. He wants to be as attracted to you, your vibrancy, health, energy and your physicality and confidence as he used to be...and the bottom line is that you have done that. He does need to understand that people can change with age, maybe sickness or age will change a shape. Hormones, children and just plain old gravity. But that may be just a maturity thing with your husband and hopefully he will become more accepting with age. Enjoy your new body, let your husband enjoy it too and try to work through this together. Good luck

Becoming_A_Butterfly

I tried to imagine how it would feel for my boyfriend to tell me he was ashamed to be seen with me. It would hurt very much. We are together for attraction, yes, but also because we are friends, partners in crime, and companions. To tear the relationship down to my weight is like shoving me aside, who I am, what I think, what I bring to the relationship besides my body.

I'd have to put serious thought whether I'd even stay in the relationship or not. Are you supposed to worry every pound you gain? Are you "shameworthy" when you gain 10 pounds? 15? What about wrinkles and gray hair?

I can only go from what you wrote here. Maybe you two need a more in-depth conversation. Or maybe he has already said enough.

TheFitHooker

Honestly, I didn't realize how big I had gotten after I had my daughter, she is now 11 months old. Until I stepped on the scale. During my pregnancy I lost 70lbs which I am less then a pound away from being back to that mark. But I gained 25lbs back and didn't even realize it. I know having a baby, your sleep pattern is messed up, you eat when you can and eat what you can. Which played a huge part in my weight gain. There did come a time when I looked in the mirror and asked my husband if we could afford me to go to a weight doctor. I did good when my doctor put me on a diet when I was pregnant, I had GD. I am seeing a weight doctor and I've lost nearly 25lbs.

lloydrt - my husband is bald I shave his head lol. But I understand what you mean. I wouldn't care though, I love him the way he is.

Before I lost weight, he had a porn addiction, ok I believe he still does he just hasn't looked at it in awhile and he told me because he has me he don't need to. Well my feelings are he shouldn't have had to before, he still had me. Which the porn played a huge part in my depression of self worth.

rmwinters

wow, reading this has upset me

Sidesteal

I have absolutely nothing useful to offer other than good luck and I sort of want to kick your husbands *kitten*.

Congrats on your progress so far and I hope you can resolve this.

ilookthetype

While he did say some not-so-tactful things, is it possible that YOU change with the weight? I know for me, I was miserable and depressed and was not interested in trying to be sexy because I just felt ugly. Now that I've lost some, I am feeling better and more positive. Perhaps if you went through something similar, your husband is responding to your attitude?

This

chrisal76

wow...interesting read.....
im thinking how bout this????
when you are done losing the weight for "yourself" and not to keep your husband from being ashamed of you....that maybe you might re-evaluate if "YOU" are willing to stay in a marriage based on if you lose or gain weight...i think you should use this time while transforming yourself into a healthy beautiful person that im sure you are with or without the weight and take control on the situation and decide if you really want to be with a man who has said such hurtful things to you....you will forever have your weight hanging over your head deciding if your husband loves you enough to "probably" stay with you....I think you should decide if you want to stay...that was very sad to read....but you know what....one thing about it, he has been completely up front and honest with you..doesnt make it okay, right or good...but at least you know who you are dealing with...and that is a husband that has litteraly told you to your face that he "Might" leave you if you keep or stay over weight....wow...
personally i would evaluate your true happiness and remember you only have one life to live and you dont want to wake up at 70 and say wow...i sacrificed my own happiness and life to be with someone who did not love me deeply enough to accept me for good or bad.....
take care and i hope that all works out for you.
God knows weight is a life long struggle but to have it thrown in your face from the one person who should support you through your biggest to your smallest is not something added that we need.
Christina

Luandanielle1979

HI honey it must have been hard to hear. I look at pictures of myself from last year and I cant believe how big I had got. The ashamed bit is out of order but I would have prefered to hear a few home truths maybe a year ago and I would be well into my journey by now.
He obviously loves you and is very very proud of all you have achieved. Dont be to down on yourself use this as a fuel to drive you on and keep you motivated.

Your profile picture is fabulous. Keep strong my love and dont be too hard on yourself and him. If you are anything like me half the time I put words in my partners mouth and keep going on until I get something out wether I want to hear it or not.

You have done a great job stand tall and enjoy your new found sexyness wow xxxx

jperrysunlover

I think there may be more to his response. He may not know the right words to use. Perhaps you didn't feel good about yourself at your previous weight. Did it hinder you from being the person you really wanted to be? Did it keep you from doing things you wanted to do? He may be trying to tell you that your weight loss has changed your outlook on life, on how you respond to him and those around you. It may have given you more self esteem, a better view of life, etc.

My body and my mind are well connected. When my weight is up and I'm feeling out of shape, I'm not fun to be around and not as extroverted. I do not respond the same as I do when I feel great about myself. I'm also more inhibited and feel less sexy. Just who I am, but I understand it. I understand it, because my husband notices it. When I think he is talking about my weight, he is talking about my personal enjoyment of life. It took a lot of conversations for me to realize this because I'm so sensitive about the way I look.

Are you living more of your dreams and acting differently in response to your weight loss? I know I am.

crazywifewczx

I agree that what he said is very hurtfull. In a way i would look at it from a different angle. You guys seem to have been together for awhile and in that time maybe he just got comfortable knowing your around and not going any where because after all if he feels that way he might think other men don't want you. But since you are losing weight you have pushed him out of his comfort zone and now he feels like he has to stand up and be a man and treat you the way you as a woman should be treated cause if he doesn't there's always another man around the corner who will find you sexy. Doe this make sense or am i just rambling. I know that i have a very supportive husband who has always been behind me even at my heaviest he said he was still attracted to me. But recently since i have joyed the weight loss challenge at my gym he has really noticed the difference in me and now he really notices when a man flirts with me.

TheFitHooker

I did not lash out at him, I listen to what he said, told him how I felt about what he said, and now I've just had time to soak it all in. I'm not really sure how to process it, but I can see maybe it's my own positive attitude now, how excited I am to exercise and eat right. How I'm also trying to pass it on to our kids. He see's how excited I am about it. I do see that, Maybe he just said these things without thinking, maybe he said them thinking it would motivate me to keep it off? WHO knows? I'm not going to let it set me back, I just needed to get it out and see what others might think about this. I appreciate all your advice and different looks on it. I am not going to *kitten* on what he said, I asked him, he told me. No it wasn't what I wanted to hear, but he didn't beat around the bush.

me1howard

Men are not able to communicate like we do. They just can't. I think he is so excited about the 'new' you and just doesn't know how to express that. Don't be mad at him and don't take it to heart. He wants you healthy and happy so you will be around a long, long time. He loves you for YOU. Just brush it off, and be happy with him about the NEW YOU!!! You are awesome!
:drinker:

SinIsIn

I have absolutely nothing useful to offer other than good luck and I sort of want to kick your husbands *kitten*.

Congrats on your progress so far and I hope you can resolve this.

^ This!

Keep up the great work!! :flowerforyou:

raige123

Wow! All I can say! I would have divorced him at that comment. It was pretty much mental terrorism.