Beginning to think that I'll always be fat and ugly...

Aussie4870

i really thought that by now i be beginning to work through my extremely low selfesteem and be able to see myself as a semi-attractive person...but all i see is a terribly ugly, unattractive and huge whale of a person standing in front of me and in pictures...

i try to think of a body part that i love or am at least happy with but just cant find anything and really just want to hide away in my house and never leave since im sure that people are totally grossed out and disgusted to even look at me...

i really dislike feeling this way...but i dont remember a time that i have felt different about myself...

how do you change a mindset that has been with you since you were a child? i really worry that i will project this onto my daughters, even though i constantly tell them they are beautiful, inside and out...

any advice...anyone???

Sidesteal

I have nothing to directly help you but I wanted to say good luck, congrats on the progress so far. 90+ lbs down is an incredible accomplishment. I hope you get your issues resolved!

audigal2008

Girl you are not at all ugly! I know how you feel about the low self esteem. I am right there with ya! My advise is to just keep going. Everyday is our chance to move forward and become healthy! I too hope some day we can all look in the mirror and at least like what we see staring back at us.

Im here for ya

cmriverside

Start changing what you say about yourself.

They call it "Fake it till you make it."

Change the fat and ugly to attractive and kind. You have created this in your head. You look like an attractive woman in your picture.

Maybe some professional help is in order. I am sorry you are hurting, but it doesn't have to be that way. :flowerforyou:

grannygethealthy1111

Whatever problems we had before losing weight, losing the weight does not cure them. You are NOT ugly. You are a beautiful young woman. I would seek a good counselor in your area to help you work through these issues. Congratulations on your huge weight loss. What a fabulous thing you did for you and your family!

catfan

Maybe you need some therapy?

If thats not an option you would like right now just start retraining your thoughts one day at a time. You didnt get this way over night so you are not going to be fixed over night either.

Im sure you tell your kids how beautiful they are all the time and etc so you need to start giving some of that right back to yourself.

Good luck! you can do this!:flowerforyou:

1smemae94

I'm sorry that you think this way but i think you look great! You just need to fake it till you make it. Instead of thinking how much you dislike how something looks think of all the great things your body can do. You can smile and say encouraging things to others, your arms can hug your children and lift them up when they get hurt. Your legs can carry you after your kids and up stairs and get you to where you need to be. Your body does such amazing things, once you start to be thankful for this you'll appreciate your body more. Best of luck!

Jenniferrosesmyth

Hi,

I completely understand how you feel. I deal with this everyday of my life. On Thursday I went to the Marine Corp ball with my Husband. I got all dressed up, and the whole night all I kept thinking about how big I still was. I have had so many people tell me I was absolutely gorgeous, but sometimes it is hard to get past the weight. But, we have to realize we are beautiful no matter the size. We just can't see it yet. Unfortunately, it will take us longer to see it then other ppl. I don't know if I will ever see myself the way others see me, but everyday I try. I post signs up throughout the house for myself to repeat when I see them. I think it is helping some. I can tell you; you are very very beautiful, and one day I pray you will see just have beautiful you are. Same goes for me.

kittytrix

Many times we think that by changing our outward appearance, that's all we need to have our lives sync, but what really needs to change is our feelings toward ourselves. It's much harder to change one's feelings and attitude toward ourselves than our bodies.

You are a beautiful woman but it doesn't matter how many times others say it because who really matters is you.

Don't get overwhelmed. I've been there. Focus on the positive. Start with just a few affirmations that you can build on.

Sending you lots of love your way.

chevy88grl

Whatever problems we had before losing weight, losing the weight does not cure them. You are NOT ugly. You are a beautiful young woman. I would seek a good counselor in your area to help you work through these issues. Congratulations on your huge weight loss. What a fabulous thing you did for you and your family!

I agree with this. Whatever underlying issues we had before losing weight don't disappear while we're losing weight or after we've lost weight. Unfortunately, those things stick with us. And low self esteem is something very tough to overcome. I think speaking to someone about it would help you a lot.

Jenniferrosesmyth

It will take us longer to see it in ourselves than for other people to see us as beautiful. That is what I meant to say. We are always last to know.

susanswan

First of all, if your profile picture is you you have beautiful hair and skin. That is only on the outside, though. My husband always remarks that the most beautiful thing he can see on any woman is a smile. I can spend hours picking myself apart. I know my flaws intimately. Maybe others notice, too. But that is not everything that makes you YOU. Don't forget you can be beautiful on the inside, too. Kindness, gentleness, caring, helping, these are just a few characteristics that make some one a beautiful person. I'm sure the library, bookstores, and internet are full of self help books on the topic. Give yourself a chance. You'd never look at a stranger and tell them they look hideous to you so why treat yourself like that. Whatever the reason you feel that way, only you can change it. Start by telling yourself you are beautiful. You might feel foolish and not believe it but your brain will believe it in time. Good luck to you.

AI1108

I really am confused about why you feel like this because I read this and pictured an ugly person and then looked at your picture. You really are not by any means ugly. 90 lbs down is a great feat and I'm sure you have a beautiful daughter too. There so many upsides in your life. Don't negate that by giving yourself negative thoughts.

JulieBoBoo

I think you're beautiful but I likely won't be able to convince you. Try doing little things for yourself: Painting your nails, buying a lipstick, getting new sexy shoes... All these things help me feel pretty. In fact, getting laser hair removal on my neck and chin was a FAR bigger boost to my vanity than losing weight. Truth to tell though, I always felt pretty. Now I just feel pretty and healthier too (well and sexier).

lkblazek

Whatever problems we had before losing weight, losing the weight does not cure them. You are NOT ugly. You are a beautiful young woman. I would seek a good counselor in your area to help you work through these issues. Congratulations on your huge weight loss. What a fabulous thing you did for you and your family!

I agree

Captain_Mal

I can sympathize with how you are feeling. It's difficult to get past the same mindset you've had up until this point. It's difficult to look in the mirror and see anyone different than the same old person you've seen in the past. I still have this issue frequently. Even when I get nice comments or compliments, I don't always believe them. On some level though, you have to decide to just overcome it or it will drag you down. I think some of the comments here are accurate. If you had self esteem or self confidence before weight gain or unrelated to the weight, those issues are still hanging around. I've accepted this for myself and have been trying to work through things.

galaxyhearts

I have the same problem .. I'm only 23 but I can't remember a time in which I didn't hate my appearance. You just have to try to put yourself in a more positive light. If you tell your daughters they are beautiful from the inside out, then that's how it has to be for you.

If you're a good person on the inside, you're beautiful on the outside.

Conventional beauty seen in the media whether it be printed in a magazine or lit up on the movie screen is mostly artificial. As a graphic designer, I can tell you that most of hollywood looks good because of photoshop.

If it's moving (tv, movies, commercials, etc), then they look good because of excessive amounts of professionally applied makeup, strategic camera angles, and professional lighting. Not to mention the plastic/cosmetic surgery.

We have to start thinking that *REAL* people are beautiful, because that's what we are. You are an amazing collection of molecules, cells, atoms, and energy.. life in itself is beautiful. We are all beautiful no matter what our appearance. It's difficult to move past the self-hatred and we're our own worst critics but try to think of the vastness and beauty of life.

We only get one life to live, so try not to spend it disparaging over your own outward appearances. Chances are (believe it or not), there are people who would rather look how you look than look how they look.

goldfinger88

You've already accomplished far more than most people could ever hope to do or have the willpower to do. I'm 67 years old, lost most of my looks and developed a thick waist and big butt and still think I'm damn cool. The difference is that I accept myself the way I am and I've learned to like and respect myself. That's what you have to do. You're no doubt much younger than me. You have years to accomplish so much. Why spend one precious moment hating yourself? That's just stupid. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and do something about yourself.

Bow to your Inner Self.

youngmomtaz

I know where you are coming from. I often feel the same way!! It is a hard thing to get over and even if I am feeling good while in my personal space sometimes that all goes out the window when I am in public. I turned 30 in Feb of this year and have since started to work on this attitude. This summer I really realised how much it dosen't matter. What I look like, how I dress, what I say. I ran in a 10k and at the end felt more accomplished for staying and visiting after even though I was coverd in sweat, red faced, and probably stunk. It really is something you have to work on for yourself. I do not have any experience with therapy but it has helped many people. Maybe something to think about?

For what it is worth, your pic is beautiful!! Skin, hair, eyes, cheekbones, all of you! Great job with the weight loss! Keep up the hard work!

Aussie4870

i really appreciate everyones comments, compliments and words of encouragement...

getting my head to change and think the way that i want it to think is a huge struggle for me...but i want it to change cause feeling like hiding makes it really difficult for me to even leave the house sometimes...

thanks again everyone...

lmelangley

I think a lot of us have a problem realizing exactly where we are after the weight loss - and I've only lost 28 lbs! Today, I asked my daughter to point out someone who's about my size the next time we go out. I'm hoping that will give me a comparison point. You could try the same. Ask someone you trust to point out a "before" you and a "now" you.

I have a good friend who also suffers from self esteem issues. Her therapist told her to post self affirming quotes around the house so that she sees a bit of encouragement every day. On the mirror, things like, "I am a strong woman", "I am in charge of my own destiny", "I am truly beautiful", "I have accomplished a great deal and the best is yet to be". Stuff like that. Notes in the fridge about eating what she needs, not what she wants. Notes in the car. Notes tucked into pockets. You get the drift. Anyway, it's helped her. It might help you. The other thing to remember is that you are loved. Looks are relative. Go to a museum and look at paintings from 200 years ago that show what people then thought of as female beauty.

And, remember - models in print are airbrushed, and on tv have undergone an hour with a makeup artist. No one is perfect.

april_beth

oh girl this sucks...im sorry to hear youre feeling this way. 93 lbs..this is amazing. take that in itself and think about it...a-freakin'-mazing...and you are beautiful. do something for YOU and just for you right now. buy a nice outfit, a form flattering outfit and take on the day...one day at a time..*hugs*

Eleanorjanethinner

Hi there,

You comments scream 'find a counsellor' to me! Your feelings and beliefs about yourself seem to be beyond the 'self-help' range to me (especially the not leaving the house bit) but a good counsellor can help you sort out the truth from the lies. I bet there's a lot more going on that you really need to deal with. Once you have, you'll wonder why you put up with it for so long! (I've been through extensive counselling after a crappy childhood myself).

So, I suggest having a look around - try one session and don't be afraid to try someone else if that counsellor doesn't click with you. You need someone you feel comfortable with, who is well qualified (in NZ we have a counsellors association, I expect you have something similar) and experienced.

Also, what about popping along to your GP and talking about whether some medication for anxiety or depression might help? This is an awesome website about depression http://www.depression.org.nz/content/home and Psychcentral.com has good stuff about everything mental health related.

I wish you all the best and really hope you can find some help. I promise you can feel 100% better with work and outside help so please start the process!

Mindful_Trent

I agree with the others who recommended you find a professional to talk with. There is NOTHING wrong with doing so - MANY people can benefit from having someone outside of their normal life to bounce thoughts/feelings/ideas off of, who is trained in helping us help ourselves. I've been seeing a Licensed Clinical Social Worker for some time to deal with some stuff, and it really has helped. I think that you recognize that some of your thoughts regarding your appearance aren't logical, and you said you want to change this pattern of thoughts - seeking professional help will make it much easier to do so. There are likely things behind your thoughts/feelings that you don't even realize, and they can help you get to the bottom of things and make the changes you want to make.

withchaco

Whatever problems we had before losing weight, losing the weight does not cure them.

Wise words. If your confidence level is almost entirely dependent on your weight, that's a problem, whether or not you feel confident at the moment.

MaraDiaz

I dated this guy once who was a horrible person. He had no money, no job, no future, and a past with a prison record as long as your arm. He was also fat and sloppy and dirty.

Know what he had going for him that I never have? Self-confidence. He must have been born with it. And it worked for him most of the time, despite the fact that this is a man who, I assure you, never deserves a good thing to ever happen to him in his miserable life.

So whenever I start bashing myself, I remember him and I think to myself that I'm a thousand times better looking, smarter, and just over all better than he ever thought of being. Plus I bathe.

You can borrow him if you want, or maybe you know someone like that yourself, someone who is just rotten and has nothing going for him or her except self-confidence. Steal their confidence and make it your own.

stevwil41

I'll throw in there with everyone else, you're not fat or ugly at all.

I do understand to a lesser extent what you're feeling though. I've spent most of my adult life somewhere between "overweight" and "friggin huge" and now that I'm reasonably healthy I have trouble seeing it. If I don't watch myself I gravitate towards the big and tall sections when I don't wear clothes that big anymore. Whenever people start talking about doing something physical my immediate reaction is "I'm too big to do that".

Time seems to be helping me. I catch myself now. Rather than ending up standing in the wrong section of the store I'll take a couple of steps in that direction and then change course for where I need to be. Rather than saying saying I can't do something, I'll think it and then catch myself and say, "Sure, let's go".

I've maintained all along that for me losing weight is relatively easy compared to changing the way I see myself. I know these aren't really answers but you're not alone out there. All I know is that for me even though I still struggle at times I'm ten times happier than I was 60 lbs ago. Good luck.

Steve

lipglossjunky73

I have learned that it doesn't matter what other people say. They can tell you they love you, that you are beautiful. That you are thin. If you don't have love for yourself, they may as well be talking to a brick wall. No one can change what you see in a mirror. Only YOU can do that.

If you keep telling yourself you are ugly, you will always be ugly. You listen to everything your mind tells you. If you tell yourself you are beautiful, and banish all negative thoughts, then you will see yourself transform.

Thebfact thatbyou lost over 90 lbs and aren't all "hell yeah, I'm a rockstar, kick *kitten*, successful gorgeous goddess", which I would personally tattoo to my face if I accomplished something so amazing, is proof how weight loss and body image are 2 separate things. I was raised with a mother who told me I was ugly and stupid daily. I had to take her words out of my head in order to move on and live my life.

Even though you tell your daughters they're beautiful, kids know when their mom isn't happy with herself. The fake it til you make it isn't for you, it's for them.

If you want to talk, please message me!

lipglossjunky73

... and, this may be extreme, but one way I snapped out of my funk is with this:

Let's say I go to the doctor, and find out I am dying of some incurable cancer, and have less than a year to live.

What would I see If I looked in the mirror then?
How would I view my other problems that I swore I couldn't handle?

My little flaws and my financial problems and marital squabbles would look pretty damn good in comparison to saying goodbye to everything I know and everyone I love.

skinnycarolrezende

From looking at your profile picture, I can tell you have a pretty face and have beautiful skin. Maybe you're just a little depressed, have you considered seeking a professional?

Dear, you are not your body ... you are your inner person, that's who you are, and I'm sure that inner person of yours is beautiful, capable, funny and many other good things. You've lost 93 lb! It's time to see yourself as a winner and a role model. *-*

Cpuretopaz43

My dear one, I struggle with low self esteem on a daily basis.
I had a mother who was mommy dearest, a sister that couldn't tell the truth if you paid her a million dollars, and an ex husband that almost destroyed me.
I would love to do this journey together if you would like, and you can message me anytime you need an encourager!
Two is always easier than one!!