Some Input Please

EDesq

I know that favoritism among children is a tabu subject. Some parents even say that they "Love" each child Equally but may treat them differently. I buy that to some degree...However, what about AFFECTION. ALSO, is Obligation/Duty the same as "Love"?

I pose these questions because I am hurt over something. My Sister has adopted some kids; for some reason (Another Tabu in Black Families...The kid is "Light" Skinned) My Sister is In-Love with one kid (I'll call him Thomas.) There is another kid (I'll call him David) that My Sister never gives any affection to but he just adores her. EVERY Adult (and even all of the kids) can see that she favors Thomas and he knows it. He is one of the worse, most selfish, spoiled, dis-likable kids I have ever met. My other brothers and sisters feel the same about Thomas as I do, and in fact we see that this kid is going to be a Major problem to My Sister in the future..this kid absolutely CONTROLS the house (he's 10)!!! He does not listen to her and he MUST always get his way!

My problem is that David's life is being ruined...he is a teen and he is going through adolescent problems, but these problems are complicated by the fact that My Sister has no affection for him, talks to him like he is "nothing," tells him if he does not get his "act" together she is going to take him back to DSS where she got him from. David is a Good kid, likable, Loveable, smart and adults that meet him see so much potential in him. I HURT sooo much for him, but what can I do? I have already told My Sister that she favors Thomas too much, but it is like she does not care...I truly believe that she is willing to throw David away (because he has more potential than Thomas, just to make Thomas LOOK good!)


Here is the Dynamic as I see it David LOVES His Mom >>>Mom Loves Thomas >>>Thomas Loves Thomas!!! HELP!

cessnaholly

Is this from Ann Landers? Sounds like it. Tough thing to figure out. Wonder what advice others have. Good luck with the whole thing and good luck to the poor little guy.

Saffyra

Is it possible for you to take David under your wing?

I was always the least favorite child with my mom but I had an Aunt who would come pick me up and take me places. She would take me shopping and to concerts and out to dinner. It meant a LOT to me that she did that. Especially during the teen years.

SunshineKisses_2012

That is so heart breaking. I only have one child. Seeing as how I am a (completely) single mom, but I have friends that have multiple (one friend has FOUR children), and I see that she does love each of them, according to their personalities. None of them go without affection or positive affirmation.

It killed me a little that you said she has told David she would take him back to DSS. That kid has already been through enough to have landed in that position. Being verbally abused (that is abuse in my book) like that.....wow...NOT what he needs.

Are you in a position to keep him one or two weekends a month and pour into his life the positive affirmation and affection that he clearly needs? That's what I would do. And kids that run the house...I can't even fathom. My son is 5 and is stretching his little wings and trying to push his limits, but I always pull him back in and let him know where his boundaries are and help him to maintain them. It isn't always easy, and being the mom AND dad is just frustrating.

My heart breaks for David. I'll be praying for him, and your sister as well.

WifeMomDVM

Unfortunately, you can not change your sister or David for that matter. But YOU CAN show LOVE to David and be a mentor, good example to him.

If David is the teenager/young man you claim he is - sit down and have a heart to heart with him. That he can count on you for anything and that you love him and you'll be there for him always.

Try not to berate his mother and burden him with how you view things - leave all negative aspects out of the conversation - just a pep talk of love and that you are there for him - that's about all you can do. If David is involved in a church, let teachers/church leaders that David is in need of some love and mature adult guidance to keep him on track to developing into a strong young man.

EDesq

Is it possible for you to take David under your wing?

I was always the least favorite child with my mom but I had an Aunt who would come pick me up and take me places. She would take me shopping and to concerts and out to dinner. It meant a LOT to me that she did that. Especially during the teen years.

I am going to do that, but right now I am staying with My Sister until My home is finished. Observing this up close is very disturbing to Me. It seems like any special attention I give David makes it even harder for him because she REALLY thought I would feel the same about Thomas as she do. She can't see that she has turned Thomas into a Dis-likable little monster. I am so conflicted...how can someone have such a generous heart to adopt kids and at the same time seem to have no affection for one of them. I too, was not My Mom's favorite child but for sure My Mom had affection for Me AND as you mentioned, I had someone else to fill in the gap.

christine24t

You should sit down with your sister and tell her what you've noticed.