Trying again....

musiccuresall

I've introduced myself before, but I feel like after being away for 8 months, I should do it again. Kinda nerve racking to do....I am unhappy about the way I feel about myself, and I need to change it.

I am at the highest weight I have ever been in my entire 25 years of existence. When some people see my weight, they might scoff and wish thats what they weighed, or see it as a large number. But for me personally, its a bad number. I have never been over 150lbs in my life, and its crazy to see how 10lbs will change your body. I maintain weight so well....I have been 150lbs since middle school, and that was a while ago. Now, a few times I was thinner. Like when I got mono, and couldnt eat for two weeks. Thats the fastest 20lbs I've ever lost!! I used to joke that it was the best diet ever. I did gain that back. And when I turned 19, my body just changed. I was 135lbs and in a size 6! I was amazed! I've always had big hips, so I never figured I could be smaller than a 10. Of course those times I gained it back, but never went higher than my wall of 150. And now, I have put on 10lbs because I switched birth controls. I feel enormous, and self-conscious (more so than usual). At 150lbs and with most of my weight being in my tummy, I have gotten "when are you due" questions. Talk about embarrassing. Now that I am a little heavier, and I can't suck it in.....it horrifies me to think what others see.

This is going to be a tough journey for me. I really want to lose the weight and feel better, but oiy.....I feel stressed just thinking about it. One of my first obstacles is my body itself. I have a birth defect in a vertabrae in my lower back. It is a source of a lot of pain. Lately though, I haven't really had a problem with it. I guess my new mattress could have helped a ton there. But I have bad posture (was never taught good posture and I have a rather large chest), and exercising in bad form is a hard habit to break. Sometimes I dont realize it, and it causes lower back pain. I also have knee problems. Chondromalacia or 'runners knee' is what pains me. My knee doctor told me I cant run. I was so upset to hear that news. Running was my favorite activity!!! Also no lunges, no squats, or stairs. I feel like I am so limited in what I can do, and doing the same things repetitively in exercise will make me lose interest. My second obstacle is food. I LOVE FOOD. And I have a problem with control. If I eat something that I enjoy, I will not stop eating it, even if I am full. And I'm a southern girl. Give me fried anything, and sweets! Hell, fry my sweets!! Its oh-so-delicious. The whole "substitution" thing kills me. I hate when people tell you that if you are craving ice-cream to eat popcorn, or something ridiculous like that. I said ice-cream!!! When I want Coffee Heath Bar Crunch, eating popcorn, yogurt, or a low fat popsicle is not going to satisfy the craving. I will eat the substitute, and then eat what I really wanted. When I go somewhere, and see everyone else eating something delicious, Im going to feel ridiculous saying no to the apple pie, pizza, or mexican food, and instead eating a granola bar. Last, but not least, is time. I feel like I dont have the time (or sometimes energy) to do this workout thing. I work 40hrs a week, and I am taking 12hrs at college. Now, if my classes were online, we'd have a different story. I was working out on full blast a while ago when I was taking my 12hrs online at community college. Now, I have to go to school 3 days a week from 7-9:45pm. My eating schedule is seriously messed up from that, and so is sleeping. I am an AWFUL morning person, and if I don't get 7hrs+ of sleep, good luck getting me up any earlier than 7.
Oh, and I wish I had a workout partner. Geez that would make it a lot easier. But really, people don't like my style: I want a partner to do the exercising at the same time I am, but I don't want to talk to them while doing it. I do best while listening to music. I would love to have someone if I need them for exercises, and just to be there at the same time for accountability, and that "competition" feeling, without ever really interacting with them.

I feel like these are some pretty big obstacles to overcome, but I want to do this. I also feel like it's mental too, but I'm not quite sure how to change my thinking. Any comments, suggestions, help? I'd love to hear if anyone has had these same issues and what they did.