realization

chocolate4life

I've suffered from anorexia before and since reaching a healthy weight, I thought I could get back on track with calorie counting and eating healthy. I weigh 130 now at the height of 5'3 so I wanted to lose about 5 pounds. I'm not too worried about the weight but I wanted to gain back the muscle I had lost from starving myself. For the past week, I have tried calorie counting and just last night, I realized that I was falling back into restricting mode. I saw my weekly diary and almost everyday except for yesterday, I had max 1000 calories.

I am taking a day off today to reevaluate myself, my feelings, my thoughts. I know eating 1000 calories for 20 year old female (even without exercise) is horrible. I want to be energized, happy...not starving myself. I am going to start tomorrow and this time around, I am going to make sure I stay above 1200 calories and on the days, I exercise, eat more.

I realized that this is a lifestyle change not a DIET. Along with this restricting, I've become completely obsessed with exercise. If I don't get to exercise, I feel guilty, depressed. This is not right. Exercise should be done because it makes you feel good, stronger, not because "i want to burn as many calories as I can". That whole thought approach is wrong. Instead it should be "I want to be healthy so I'll exercise".

It's hard to deal with eating disorders and even after reaching a healthy weight, it's like it never leaves your side. I am leaving my food diary open for everyone so please support me. Everyone at MFP is so wonderful and I could really use all the support Feel free to friend request me as well.

Have a great day everyone!

hhorncastle

You can do it! I think it's a wonderful thing that you're aware of the danger signs and can catch yourself before it becomes an issue. I'm proud of you! Fresh start tomorrow and we'll be here cheering you on.

therealkatarr

I think it's really important for you to not only to take the step back, but to realize that the step back was necessary. I think anything is possible as long as you're staying mindful of what you're doing and why, and wish you luck.

BGabbart

You are doing good realizing what you need. Keep going strong and you will accomplish your goal.

Bridget0927

Hi there, Very glad to hear you are going the healthy route.

I am 5'3" as well and used to do the same thing you are doing now.
I have been on MFP for some time now, for the start I would to the same always eat way under my calories thinking it would be a faster way to lose, but thats not what happened. I would consistantly stay the same never lose and then when i went "all out" I would gain. It was very self destructive. I tried doing as everyone suggested and actually eating my calories and even eating back some of my exercise cals too. Suddenly I started to slowly lose. I know how hard it is to lose weight when you are a shorty :-)
My advice is eat the cals, it helped me start down the right direction.

bcattoes

You shouldn't need to diet to lose 5 lbs, especially if you want to gain muscle at the same time. If you are maintaining the weight you are at now, you can accomplish both goals just by eating enough protein and doing strength triaining. No need to drop your calories at all. You won't gain muscle on 1000 calories a day.

katdouce

I think its very admirable what you are doing!!!! I have no idea who you are or where your from...But I gotta Say I'M PROUD OF YOU!!!! You know what you have to do and thats half the battle Your gonna be great!!!!

aaleigha1

When my daughters best friend got nearer to her target weight - a weight that was healthy she too found she started to restrict her food

we encouraged her to join the gym with us - now living in a small village she could not get there without us and our car (reason we joined that gym) she started an exercise program and toned up the the point that she did not lose further weight but became toned - at the moment she is in remission - I hope you can become happy with yourself

perhaps forget the calories eat what you like - sensible portions - see what others have on their plates and then perhaps get some exercise - but go with a friend so you can work with a partner and not over do the exercise

Brianfit50

forget the food diary, you are a healthy weight. You don't need to over exercise to put on muscle , find an exercise you enjoy doing and eat foods you enjoy eating...remember to relax, don't think about weight loss if you can....

LorinaLynn

Kudos for recognizing when you're starting to backslide! That's a huge first step.

I have to imagine it's difficult to get out of the "restricting" mindset when surrounded by so many others who're restricting, so check out this group: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/groups/home/17-women-eating-2-000-calories-per-day

Even if you don't want to eat that much, it's a good reminder that you don't need to eat very little to have amazing results.

icemaiden17_uk

It is so nice to see someone being honest about their problems with food! My partner is very under weight and using MFP to gain and he finds it very hard to remember to eat! So, I will tell you what I told him. Don't just jump right in. You need ot start small and get used to eating a bit more and then a bit more until you are hitting your calorie goal. Food is hard and it is a habbit, one of the hardest ones to change or break! Good luck and I'm sure you will do really well!!You sound like you have won half the abttle already!

Add me if you like but I can't promise that I will look at your diary every day! I will try though!

chocolate4life

Thank you everyone so much! Reading all these comments mean so much to me! I'm glad I found this site because everyone here is so amazing with the support. I know this time around, I am going to win because being healthy to me means more than any number on the scale honestly.

Through this, I've given up so much time and time I could be spending with my loved ones enjoying. I hated going to social events because I was afraid I would have to eat and now that I look back at it all, I don't want to live my entire life like that. I couldn't imagine that I would be dealing with this type of issue but god has given me the strength to move on and learn from it and I'm not going to let that go to waste. God has given me a new life and I am going to enjoy it.

I can't thank you all enough! My goal isn't the number on the scale at all actually. I have thrown my scale away. I rather go by how my clothes fit and size rather than the number on the scale. I am going to eat without getting paranoid and exercise few times a week (focusing mainly on strength training).

sophjakesmom

It is great that you have recognized the signs that you were heading down an unhealthy path. I have never struggled with anorexia, but have certainly dealt with binge eating and it is so very easy to delude yourself into thinking it is ok. I am only now starting to recognize the panicy feeling I get when I am gettting ready to binge. Good luck to you! :flowerforyou: