DO you ever worry?

DiamondInTheDirt

I dont want any stupid responses here...im trying to make this as unpersonal as possible...but it is personal, lol.
Please be reasonable as i am being serious.

Im only posting this because i dont have any pictures on here. of myself...so no one knows who i am.

My mum is very dependant on me.
We moved to the uk 12 years ago..and im fluent in english. She is not.
HER tax returns ...i do them.......i speak on her behalf...because she wasnt bothered to learn english. I have to go to doctors appointments with her...and i have to miss out on uni some times. She has become very dependant on me...Shes puts me in the stupidest situations ever. She shouts abuse at me on the street if she thinks ' i havent translated something properly'. She argues with me all the time about regulations...in the UK...I have to guide her in everything. She cant even use the automated system for paying bills over the phone. And theres so many other stuff that is influencing my future, which i cant really mention.
I want to just grow up and move out but without me she wont survive. If i move out she will not be able to pay for the house we;re living in....but i just want to not think about other people problems for once.

I worry because i want to have kids and i cant have them if shes going to depend on me. Am i being a dumb cow? Im worried she wont let me have a life...which she never has. My brother can also speak english and he can do everything that i can, yet she never asks him to take time off school to help her. Eventhough she did mention she doesnt love me but she does love him. Im not a bratty teenager who doesnt pay towards the rent or doesnt help her mum out...or goes out and parties and has sex with guys. I cook, i clean...and i work...and im at uni. Nothing i ever do makes her happy. Shes always angry at me...and i dont throw stropps....im polite, i help her so much...but its gotten to the point where i cant be around her.

If youre going to say something rude...please dont. Im just genuinely worried about my feature and i dont want it to revolve around my mother...i want it to revolve around my whole family. Have you ever felt that some one is being overly dependant on you?

ratherbeskiing

wow. I have no idea how to respond to this except I respect you for doing all of that for your mom. You have a really good heart. I do not know know I would do in this situation... I am sorry.

sarah44254

You can help her learn to be less dependant on you through counseling and hard work. Say NO to her sometimes. Show her that she can do this on her own. There is no age limit to learning languages. She can learn and use English at any age.

I have to laugh about the dumb cow comment though. Cows aren't exactly the brightest animals around!

Take a day and focus on yourself. Again, practice saying NO to her. Explain to her your troubles with how you get along.

lik_11

You have to learn to put yourself first. As long as you let her "depend on" (USE) you- you're going to feel this way. As long as she has you to do these things for her- she'll never learn to do them on her own. If you stop doing them- she'll have to learn another way to do what she has to do. Try to start saying "No" to her, when she asks you to give up something (socializing), or expects you to miss school to help her. Don't drop whatever you are doing to help her. She is NOT more important than you or YOUR future!!!

DiamondInTheDirt

You can help her learn to be less dependant on you through counseling and hard work. Say NO to her sometimes. Show her that she can do this on her own. There is no age limit to learning languages. She can learn and use English at any age.

I have to laugh about the dumb cow comment though. Cows aren't exactly the brightest animals around!

Take a day and focus on yourself. Again, practice saying NO to her. Explain to her your troubles with how you get along.

Thing is, when i say no, or ill do it later...im gonna get my face smashed in, lol.

outtanms

ok, this sucks. You need to live your life. Your mother will then be forced to learn English and care for herself. If she does not and you do not step up to help that will leave her no choice but to get your brother to help. You may want to consider counseling for yourself....Someone to learn you and talk to you about you may be a good thing. good luck to you.

Hummmingbird

I always did things for my family. I pretty much raised my younger brother starting at age 15. When I was 22 I finally couldnt take it anymore! I was tired of being treated like a kid, but expected to do things adults did. I wanted to have freedom, independence, A LIFE! So I joined the military and moved away. I stayed in the States but I was far enough away that I had my own life. I made my own decisions, I paid my own bills etc. Dont think that just because you are gone she wont survive! Sometimes, being forced to survive is enough. She has your brother, and if you go, she will start to ask him for help. With this said your brother has to set limits with her. She needs to learn English, first and foremost. (what language does she speak?). Im not endorsing joining the military, but what if you simply moved out? Only help her once a week?

kit_katty

If she wont let you say no and she refuses to learn english, you have to just stop. Move out, be independent. Force her to do something else. You do not deserve to be shouted at, insulted, told she doesn't love you etc. You've obviously taking care of her, but if she isn't taking care of you back, it's a one sided relationship. You deserve better.

If no one is looking out for you, you have to do it yourself.

Hellbent_Heidi

I'm sorry to hear this sad story...you are MUCH too young to have someone so dependent on you at a time when you should be living it up and having a lot of fun. You are right with your concerns about the future and what this might mean to you.

Do you think she would be even willing to TRY to learn English, or is there a chance she maybe plans to someday return to your country of origin?

I know its hard, but its probably a time to try some tough love. She needs to learn to get around and do things without you because you have a life to live. I don't know what your native culture is, but I have a close friend who is Korean and her family is very demanding of the girls and lienient on boys so I've heard a lot of her stories. Would it be acceptable to sit both your mother and brother down together and have a serious discussion about this? I'm sure it would be very hard, but maybe if your mom knows you don't plan to take care of her forever, she will start to make more effort to do things for herself? Just my thoughts...but again, I know its easier said than done in a lot of cultures!

ckidd311

Having healthy relationships is a huge part of our overall health. In my opinion, you should start setting healthy boundaries with your mom. Perhaps you can start showing her how to do the things you are doing for her now. Also, get her involved in a class or get her tapes to learn English. You can explain to her that you are more than happy to help her with things but want her to be prepared for when the day comes that you move out. Give her a date that you plan to move out by and tell her you will help her learn everything as much as possible until then.

I have never been in this situation but this is what I think I would do.

JoleneCooper

I would try to be as open and honest as possible...and give her a Rosetta Stone packet to learn English. If you want to have kids and plan on having a job too, there will be no time for your mom -especially if you're adding fitness into the mix. The fact that you are on here shows you care about yourself and I think that you need to always put yourself first. --not in a selfish way, just in a way where you are able to live YOUR life happily for YOURSELF.
I also want to say how sorry I am that she yells at you in public because she thinks you are translating things wrong. I think that is just wrong of her and mean and you shouldn't have to take that. It can be extremely difficult (yes, i do really know what I'm talking about here from personal experience). But it is worth the fight in the end to stand up to your parents, siblings, etc. for who you are. You are grown now and do not need them, its the other way around. And just as you had to learn disipline and manners as a child, your family needs to learn respect for you as an adult. Good luck.

sjtreely

Are you enabling her? I'm not trying to be snarky, but are you?

She can learn the language - at least survival English. Get her signed up for a class through the community to help her learn how to speak the native language of which she's now living. This will help her become more independent.

Begin telling her, "No. I can't do that for you," with small things. Things she could easily have done in her home town. If there's serious doubt in your mind if she can complete a task, then by all means assist as needed (ie - taxes). But if you want her to become independent, then you need to step back. It will be painful at times. But I ask you this in all sincerity - what would happen to your mother if you should die? Is she equipped to handle life on her own? If the answer is, "No," then you need to get her the help she needs so you can both begin to build the lives she needs and you want.

rml_16

Just because she's your mother doesn't mean she's good for you. She sounds like a toxic person.

I think if you started saying no to things, she'd start relying more on your brother and take some of the burden off of you. Or she'd figure out how to take care of herself. She sounds very manipulative and controlling. So sorry. :-(

Hummmingbird

You can help her learn to be less dependant on you through counseling and hard work. Say NO to her sometimes. Show her that she can do this on her own. There is no age limit to learning languages. She can learn and use English at any age.

I have to laugh about the dumb cow comment though. Cows aren't exactly the brightest animals around!

Take a day and focus on yourself. Again, practice saying NO to her. Explain to her your troubles with how you get along.

Thing is, when i say no, or ill do it later...im gonna get my face smashed in, lol.

If this is true, this is ABUSE no matter what age you are!

ljholmann

First I would like to start off with I am sorry that you are in this situation.
Have you spoken with your brother? Is he willing to take some of the slack off of you? If he would help, that would enable you to have some time for yourself.
If your mom isn't ill, and is only dependant because of not wanting to learn English, that changes the perspective. If she is not ill and just refuses to learn something new, I probably wouldn't be so willing to help.
At some point, you have to make yourself a priority.

sarah44254

You can help her learn to be less dependant on you through counseling and hard work. Say NO to her sometimes. Show her that she can do this on her own. There is no age limit to learning languages. She can learn and use English at any age.

I have to laugh about the dumb cow comment though. Cows aren't exactly the brightest animals around!

Take a day and focus on yourself. Again, practice saying NO to her. Explain to her your troubles with how you get along.

Thing is, when i say no, or ill do it later...im gonna get my face smashed in, lol.

If you are serious about that abuse, tell the authorities. If that is just a phrase you are using, I wonder if you should just move on and continue your life without your families direct involvement. Get a place of your own and call them with questions and hellos, but do not allow them to run your life.

Hummmingbird

You can help her learn to be less dependant on you through counseling and hard work. Say NO to her sometimes. Show her that she can do this on her own. There is no age limit to learning languages. She can learn and use English at any age.

I have to laugh about the dumb cow comment though. Cows aren't exactly the brightest animals around!

Take a day and focus on yourself. Again, practice saying NO to her. Explain to her your troubles with how you get along.

AGREED
Thing is, when i say no, or ill do it later...im gonna get my face smashed in, lol.

If you are serious about that abuse, tell the authorities. If that is just a phrase you are using, I wonder if you should just move on and continue your life without your families direct involvement. Get a place of your own and call them with questions and hellos, but do not allow them to run your life.

sarah44254

She sounds like a toxic person.

This is what I read when I saw the original post. This is not someone you want to base your life on, no matter if she is your mother or not.

lizziebeth1028

You can help her learn to be less dependant on you through counseling and hard work. Say NO to her sometimes. Show her that she can do this on her own. There is no age limit to learning languages. She can learn and use English at any age.

I have to laugh about the dumb cow comment though. Cows aren't exactly the brightest animals around!

Take a day and focus on yourself. Again, practice saying NO to her. Explain to her your troubles with how you get along.

Thing is, when i say no, or ill do it later...im gonna get my face smashed in, lol.

If this is true, this is ABUSE no matter what age you are!

^ Exactly, it's abuse. This is a very toxic unhealthy mother/ daughter relationship. move out if you have the means to and leave 'mommy dearest'. if not, you need to seek consoling ASAP. NOBODY needs to put up with that type of verbal and physical abuse. it could lead to you having unhealthy relationships with the same dynamic in the future.

If you are a college student seek counseling or a referral from there. also....give brother dearest a full picture of what is happening. if he is 'a man' he would not let that go on!

Hummmingbird

I had to lose touch with my family to truly save myself. My life experience was not quite as dire as yours, but getting out of that situation made me a better person! Situations like this can affect you in many ways, and you may not even know it! You will never be yourself or lead the life you want to when someone that is toxic is holding you down. It hurts, but sometimes it has to be done! Sometimes the person will change after you leave, sometimes they wont. But you have to remember that they have THEIR life to live and you have YOURS. She gave you the gift of life, but that doesnt mean she gets to control how you use that gift card! Cash it in however you choose, and if you are unhappy, use it on something else.

DiamondInTheDirt

I had to lose touch with my family to truly save myself. My life experience was not quite as dire as yours, but getting out of that situation made me a better person! Situations like this can affect you in many ways, and you may not even know it! You will never be yourself or lead the life you want to when someone that is toxic is holding you down. It hurts, but sometimes it has to be done! Sometimes the person will change after you leave, sometimes they wont. But you have to remember that they have THEIR life to live and you have YOURS. She gave you the gift of life, but that doesnt mean she gets to control how you use that gift card! Cash it in however you choose, and if you are unhappy, use it on something else.

No matter wehat she does, I love her so much and I. Can't. Hold a grudge against her for long. I seriously feel so bad for her because her mum treated her really bad but its not fair she's doing this to me. I wish she would love me like she love my brother. She's always so angry and I don't want to hurt her either. She will have to rent a smaller house if I move out and I feel selfish. Eventho this house is too big for all 3 of us anyways. I just feel so guilty that I'm thinking about moving out and not speaking to her as much. I don't want to be alone either.

Hummmingbird

I had to lose touch with my family to truly save myself. My life experience was not quite as dire as yours, but getting out of that situation made me a better person! Situations like this can affect you in many ways, and you may not even know it! You will never be yourself or lead the life you want to when someone that is toxic is holding you down. It hurts, but sometimes it has to be done! Sometimes the person will change after you leave, sometimes they wont. But you have to remember that they have THEIR life to live and you have YOURS. She gave you the gift of life, but that doesnt mean she gets to control how you use that gift card! Cash it in however you choose, and if you are unhappy, use it on something else.

No matter wehat she does, I love her so much and I. Can't. Hold a grudge against her for long. I seriously feel so bad for her because her mum treated her really bad but its not fair she's doing this to me. I wish she would love me like she love my brother. She's always so angry and I don't want to hurt her either. She will have to rent a smaller house if I move out and I feel selfish. Eventho this house is too big for all 3 of us anyways. I just feel so guilty that I'm thinking about moving out and not speaking to her as much. I don't want to be alone either.

All of these emotions are truly natural! It shows you have a heart! However, the relationship you have now, shes not going to change. You cant sit around waiting for it to happen! Listen, you took the steps to come to MFP to better yourself, and thats courageous, you even reached out to strangers for help...that also is courageous. You have a good heart, a sense of responsibility to yourself and those around you, and you have COURAGE. Knowing that, all you have to do is apply it! You have the tools! Being alone is hard, but you will learn so much about yourself! And truly, in this world if you as for help, there are so many willing to give it.

moushtie

I know that my mother would have used me like that if I hadn't got out when I was 18. She's partially sighted, and wants someone around all the time " to help her". Really she just wants someone to order about, and to manipulate. Even from a distance she is still trying to manipulate my life. I've had to be strong and not talk to her when she's being unreasonable. It's very difficult because she's trained me to automatically agree with her (mental abuse anyone?), so I've had to cut off contact with her at times, just to save myself. Selfish, I know, but it's what I've had to do to save my sanity.

It sounds like your mum has got you where she wants you. Making a big break doesn't sound like an option right now, but maybe just work on her a little. Leave her to struggle sometimes with having to cope by herself. Things like not leaving your studies to help her. Can you turn your phone off when you're at uni? You may even have to treat her like a petulant child sometimes, and not listen to her complaints. At some point she is going to have to learn to cope, if you're going to have any kind of life of your own. If she's not going to do it voluntarily, you're going to have to use some tough love. If she thinks you will always be there for her, she has no incentive to learn any other way. You're going to have to bring your mental barriers up too, because she will fight you all the way, and her weapon of choice is emotional blackmail.

Are there any other women in your neighbourhood that speak the same language? Can any of those help her become more self sufficient in the community?

scarletleavy

OMG this really hits home with me. I feel like I could have written this exact same post myself, except for maybe some of the verbal abuse, but that's replaced with some other equally stressful behavior.

I don't really have any constructive suggestions, because I'm dealing with a lot of the same things. Just wanted to say I'm sorry and I know what you're going through. For me, I'm doing the best I can at the moment and planning to move out in the next 6-9 months. I can't live in this toxic home environment any longer, it's stressing me out big time. To be honest, I'm still going to offer to help out when I can, but it will be on my terms. I understand the fear of being on your own, but there comes a point where you just have to do it. I hit that point recently.

ElizabethRoad

Stop doing everything for her. Of course she's not going to learn to get by without you; she has no reason to. Let your brother pick up some slack for a change.