Parents with overweight children

epona_mus

My children have always been naturally thin and healthy eaters, but my 18 yo started working full time this year and picking up unhealthy eating habits from co-workers. She has seen me working out, preparing meals carefully, etc. and has asked me to prep healthy meals for her to take to work, help her come up with an eating/exercise plan, etc. I think leading by example is so important, as well as finding some activity for her to increase her calorie burn and fitness level.

I also fully cleaned out my pantry and fridge when I started my weight loss program. I removed all the junk and processed foods from my pantry, freezer, fridge - we didn't have a lot but we did have some and I threw it in the trash. I now cook en masse once or twice a month and freeze portions that we can take to work or school with us... it makes it easier to grab a healthy, pre-portioned meal and heat it up. This week I made 2 different soups, veggie patties, beans, brown rice, rice pilaf and vegan whole wheat mini pizzas for the freezer and then hummus and cut veggies for an easy snack in the fridge.

LabRat529

You know... it really depends on the personality of your daughter.

I was an over-weight teen. Subtile hints eroded my self-confidence. I would have been better off with a frank, direct talk. I still prefer direct honesty I tend to pick up on emotion and notice certain subtile actions/behaviors without actually knowing what is causing those emotions/behaviors and I almost always assume the worst. So something like "mom is concerned about me" becomes "mom is disappointed in me, she hates me, she loves the other children more" (k... I"m exaggerating for effect, although I DID often think that about my father/mother when I was a teen).

If I know what's wrong, then I know what's wrong. Knowledge = power, even if that knowledge makes me sad.

So if you think your teen can handle it, you might try a conversation like this:

"Honey, I love you and I'm concerned about your health and happiness. You are overweight and I've noticed that seems to bother you. Would you like me to help you become a healthy weight?"

If your daughter says "yes" then you go on. You say something like "I think exercise is probably the best way to deal with extra weight. Even if you don't lose the weight, you'll feel better about yourself and have more energy. What kind of exercises do you like? Would you like me to enroll you in dance, gymnastics, swimming, martial arts.... (the list goes on depending on her interests)?'

If she says "no" and gets upset, then you say "Okay, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. I love you no matter what. Your weight isn't who you are. You're a wonderful person no matter what size you are. But if you ever change your mind, I'm here. I will do my best to support you with any challenges you face, whether its weight loss or something else".

And then you leave it be.

My parents never did anything like that, but I wish they had. My older sister DID do exactly that and I honestly got pretty mad at her, but later I really appreciated what she was trying to do.

Anyway... just some thoughts. You know your child best, so only you know whether she could handle something like that.

Best wishes!

emmab0902

Thanks everyone. One on one time with my kids is extremely difficult as I work fulltime, am a single parent, and I do not have family here, so babysitting costs me a lot. And this may sound awful but the one time a week they are at my ex's parents I am pretty protective of as that's my only two hours to myself I get all week. Will give all the suggestions more thought. We have started a zumba Dvd at home a few weeks ago.

aaleigha1

I know you dont want to talk too much about weight around the children and I do understand why
but could you not talk to her
as her if you can talk to her in confidence as you need her help and support to become fitter - dont mention weight but maybe talk about toning etc - even if you tell little fibs and say you should have done it after having the other two and just didnt have the time - and now its difficult - fi you get her onside with YOUR fitness it will help her too
she can come for walks with you and maybe keep charts of your daily steps etc that way she will be joining in and it wont be for her it will be for you - and she will get the health benefits along side

CakeFit21

I think you are doing everything right. People like to assume that parents have absolute control, but I think this is one of those situations where it may not be the case. What I mean by that is you are doing everything you can, encouraging activity, making healthy meals, showing good portion control, providing healthy snacks AND most importantly setting a good example. Sometimes there's stuff you just can't control, like her metabolism. I don't know if talking to her about it is a great idea. It's a tricky path. I think that maybe for now teaching her the way you are, subtly, is the way to get her into her teen years and young adulthood with the tools for health.

lalonmeg000

Maybe get her into a dance class? I struggled with weight as a kid, and like you my mom never had junk food in the house, but I would manage to eat it at school. I did athletics in middle school but hated it, so would fake injuries lol..yep I was that kid.

Finally my mom put me back into my old dance studio and BAM, I did anything to get healthy so I could look and feel and dance my heart out.

I love my hip-hop classes, she would't have to wear a leotard and tights, and it is such a fun way to get into shape without even realzing it. However I do recomend a ballet class, it really tones the muscles, but if she is anything like me, you couldn't have paid me enough to take ballet at 13.

Usually YMCA, or other kid friendly after school programs have pretty inexpensive cheer or dance lessons, as I know studios can be expensive.

-meghan

LisaKyle11

i have four children as well -- all girls. our oldest is 14, then next 13. neither of them are overweight (5'4" 120ish lbs). i did see an increase in weight at the onset of puberty, but it's since leveled off. i think from this point on (and likely where your daughter is at) it's about snacking, peers (what their peers do eating-wise), what's available in the house, boredom (big one), emotions, and activity level. once they hit puberty, physically it's about calorie/energy balance (like the rest of us). they will just burn at a higher rate because they are younger.

i have a hard time getting our 13 year old interested in being physical. she would rather sit around on her iPod or laptop chatting with friends. i pretty much 'make' her get out with us. if she doesn't enjoy it, too bad. she knows (!!) i am all about her and the rest of the family being healthy. i am really annoying to her, but it doesn't bother me in the least bit!

sounds like you are doing a great job of being a good role model for her. just keep at it...and if need be, insist she be active with the family or on her own.

killerqueen17

I serve the dinners and make sure content and portions are healthy. To be honest I think I am doing all I can already re their health and wellbeing.

Then what sort of advice do you want? I'd say the suggestions on trying to get her active are good ideas, but if she doesn't like sports, there's not much that can really change that... maybe just keep trying her out with different sorts of activities (martial arts, dance, anything!!) and see if something sticks...

personally, I hated sports at that age, but loved tap and swing dancing. So maybe she'll discover something she really likes.

karenjoy

just to add, that your younger children could go on long walks, my daughter did a 27 miles cross country and all terrain charity walk at 7 years old, it won't do any of them any harm.

AnninStPaul

I'm going a different route with my pre-teen boy...getting him an hrm, and for each minute in the target zone he will get a minute of xbox.

kaetra

You are already doing everything you can in the food and excercise department. Maybe it's time to try a wholly different strategy.

If it were my daughter I would encourage any hobby, even if it's not a physical activity. Focus on the skills she has. Find outlets for her to express herself - art, music, drama, collecting stuff, cooking - anything she's interested in. If none of my subtle efforts were helping, I would go ahead and talk to her but keep the focus on health, not body image. Or I would try to find someone other than me that I thought she might listen to and ask them to help. A trusted friend, a mentor, or someone she looks up to. Again, with the focus on health.

I would also rewatch the move Spanglish to remind myself of all the things that don't help in these situations. The daughter story line in that movie is very touching.

perceptualobfuscator

I think you're smart not to bug her about it. I put on weight as a natural part of puberty, and my mom completely flipped out about it and started obsessing about my weight for a few years. It caused me to have some pretty big problems.

I would enroll her in some kind of physical activity - speed-swimming, soccer, dance; anything that encourages movement. That way, no matter the cause of her weight gain, she will increase her fitness and hopefully self-esteem. Thirteen is an awkward age for the best of us, and self-esteem is in high demand.

As a thought, if she doesn't like sports: My younger brother hated all sports when he was younger, but my parents made him choose just one to be involved in at all times (in addition to basic swimming lessons). Let your daughter choose one - it can be anything - but it has to be something. This sounds pretty fair to me.

And, of course, it goes without saying to keep healthy food in the house at all times for snacks, or to pack her healthy snacks for throughout the schoolday, so she's not secretly buying chips or chocolate bars to snack on as many kids do.

Lozze

Regarding netball, here in Aus netball runs all year round through indoor. Perhaps look at indoor for her?

emmab0902

I think I will have a "family meeting" where we all have to decide on 2-3 healthy goals. And that all of my kids need to choose at least one sport next year including me (I will probably go for swimming). I would also like to be able to afford to get a tennis racket for everyone (I still have my old one) and get us all playing that some evenings as we live a 5 minute walk from my boy's school (that's where I do my jogging while they play). Then we can all set a food goal too - bit of a family challenge where we have a weekly champion maybe. Dunno just some random ideas!

kyylieeeeee

This topic is awfully familiar to me, because not very long ago I was 5'2 at 13 years old and about 150 pounds. Our family's diet wasn't unhealthy, and I was not inactive-- I rode my horse 2-3 times a week, spent entire summers running around the barn or swimming in the lake at my grandparents', and loved going to the occasional hip-hop dance classes with my friends. And I practiced my flute 2-5 hours a night (always standing up), so it's not like I was spending my off time just sitting around watching television. Yet the weight persisted, and I kept gaining.
My snacking habits were unhealthy, but I don't know many 13 year olds with fantastic snack choices. And it was a lot of fruit, too....but 4 bananas a day can make you just as fat as 4 candy bars a day. I never ate school lunches, always packed my own.

I'm sure my mom felt similar aggravation with my situation as you do. She served us a balanced, home-cooked meal every night and made sure there were veggies in my lunch every day. I wasn't involved in school sports, but I was certainly involved with plenty of other activities. Looking back, there were definitely signs of my parents trying to change things, but it obviously didn't help. What it took was 2 more years, gaining all the way up to 168 at age 15, and me having a mental breakdown and my family finally realizing I needed to take antidepressants. At the same time we also found out my thyroid essentially was producing nothing, so I went on Levothyroxin as well. As soon as I started taking them, my head cleared up, I started exercising, stopped emotionally eating, and lost 30 pounds within 5 months. I'm not saying that this is the solution for your daughter, obviously...just that there was nothing else that my parents could have done to help me lose weight. Sometimes I think there truly is a reason other than laziness and bad eating habits. My metablism naturally truly SUCKS. Even now, with all the consciously-healthy food choices and working out that I do, I can gain weight so easily if I take even a week off from one or the other. Maybe your daughter falls under this same body type...and if she's anything like me, only REALLY hard work will show results. Fortunately I've come to love it, and am finally down to a really good-looking 135 pounds. But it's a realization I had to come to on my own, because it's my body, and there's nothing my mom or dad could have done to help when I was 13.

I don't know if my story helps, but I just wanted to let you know that I sympathize with your situation. It's a really difficult position to be the fat girl at only 13 years old, especially when you're eating healthy and exercising while all your friends are eating pizza and playing Nintendo. Best of luck to you and your family :]

Mitchlou84

I'd maybe just try to find active things you can do together, but that don't seem too like you are forcing her to workout! Maybe instead of lap swimming try to find a pool with slides etc so there will be a lot of running up the stairs, ice skating? Dance sounds good too, horseriding?

I hated things like netball and tennis, but loved horseriding, canoeing, rock climbing, etc!!

FitMissVicky

I think the bigger a deal you make of it, the more you risk pushback and unintended consequences. Thirteen is such a vulnerable age. I think continuing with healthy family eating and regular activity together is great. But beyond that? Teach her to love herself no matter what. Support her doing whatever SHE needs to do to build self confidence. If that means playing violin or joining the drama club or running for student council or something non-physical, so be it. If she has a positive sense of herself, it will be easier to support her to make healthy lifestyle choices, but she needs to do it on her terms and her time.

cupotee

I think you're doing enough. At a certain point, peer pressure will kick in, and like any teenage girl, she's going to want to take care of herself and lose weight. Just support her, and let her know how much you love her.

emmab0902

Well funnily enough the subject came up tonight when my younger daughter got home from interschool athletics. We were talking about sports and health and she made the comment about being fat. I told her I don't like talking about weight with her cos I love her no matter what, then asked did she actually WANT to lose weight. She said yes so we are going to talk about how we can do it - I am doing C25K so she might do that with me - I do it at the boys' school and the others play while I jog. Funny how it came up tonight!

emmab0902

Well funnily enough the subject came up tonight when my younger daughter got home from interschool athletics. We were talking about sports and health and she made the comment about being fat. I told her I don't like talking about weight with her cos I love her no matter what, then asked did she actually WANT to lose weight. She said yes so we are going to talk about how we can do it - I am doing C25K so she might do that with me - I do it at the boys' school and the others play while I jog. Funny how it came up tonight!

electricmeow

Okay, so I didn't get through reading everyone's feedback, but I do have some strong opinions!

I was that 13 year old girl...at 12, my mom told me that she would let me know if I was ever "getting fat" so I wouldn't be obsessing for nothing. Then my weight slowly creeped up, and I wasn't observant to it at all. Sounds strange for being a self conscious girl, but in my mind maybe I felt I was "overweight" to begin with so the new "overweight" didn't feel so different. I was also in a really weird phase! Middle schoolers are half brain dead *no offense* but reasoning, focusing, and perception gets way off track as the frontal lobe is reconstructing itself. I'm sure you know this from your own experience, and parenting. My point is to not assume that she is aware.

When I was 14, I went to the doctor, and oh my goodness!! I was expecting the scale to be 150...155 at the most....it tipped at 175! I sat there in the office with my mom, unclothed and ashamed of myself, waiting for the doctor. My mom says "Did you see that scale?" [God.....] "What do you think of that?" [I think its so shameful we have to have this confrontation NOW]

The doctor came in and one of the first few things she mentioned was my weight. It was already raw in my heart, and probed by my mom. It was traumatizing!!

Two days later I built the nerve to ask my mom "What happened to you talking to me if you thought I was becoming overweight?"
She was offended! She thought I was blaming it all on her "You know you are OLD enough to know your own body, I do not need to treat you like a child anymore!" [Child? That was only two years ago you reassured me....]

This whole shock and confrontation at once was traumatizing for me! All of a sudden my mom was saying things left and right like "When you go to subway, NO mayo! And get the BAKED chips! And drink DIET soda, I know Coke isn't your favorite...."

It sounds like you are a bit more understanding than my mom at the time, but it was really out of so much care and emotion all around. I'm afraid this will happen to your daughter. You don't know what may come up. You don't know if other relatives or kids at school will say anything (or already have)

Be direct, but you can say it in a tone that she is only a little overweight, but not fat. You want to help her turn it around because now is when people build skills for the future. Maybe you can say you wished you had built those when you were younger (I don't know, but I think many of us do) and want her to have that advantage.

So don't take out the scale, just focus on behaviors (eating and exercising) instead of her weight, with the goal of looking better and feeling better about herself (not weight loss)

Maybe you can relate how mean kids are in middle school and will call just about anyone fat just to upset them. Its true! Reassure her that she looks great and she's beautiful. Give her a strong statement she can say in response just so she can be prepared.

These are all in steps! But you need to be direct. The subtle hints do NOT work when half your frontal cortex and limbic system are out of order.

Something else I wish my parents did was tell me I needed to pick a sport. Any sport of my choice, even dancing (though I warn you its expensive for only two hours a week!!) They would say "you know it would be nice if you could be active like other kids" But that means nothing when you have no experience with sports other than PE, and the computer is more fun. If I was pushed to pursue a sport, I may have actually explored my curiosity for soccer or waterpolo I was too afraid of expressing on my own. Don't feel like you are being mean! There are many options, but what's not an option is staying sedentary.

I'm sorry, I know this is a lot, but like you, I have my own pain from teenage years. You sound like a compassionate open-minded mother who would really care to read all this

electricmeow

Just read the family meeting idea.

This is good, but if the confrontation is indirect like this, then she may actually catch on and take it the wrong way and be embarrassed!

You say you don't have much time with your kids individually. I'm really sorry, you sound pretty busy! I'm wondering if you can establish a half hour time period for each of your kids to really benefit ALL of them! Kids feel this too. Sometimes thinking, "I want to say this, but not in front of everyone, but don't want to be awkward asking for extended time alone" Just having the time available will help everyone feel closer together. This would be a good time to talk to your daughter, but also other things going on in her life. Is there anything else probing her emotional eating? There are tooooo many hidden feelings that start building in middle school. Don't probe for information too much, but do express your concerns. Then talk about light hearted chit chat that relates to her.

There HAS to be a way you can arrange this! Even if its while taking care of something else like shopping, or getting ready to go somewhere.

emmab0902

Have been talking to her - once she told me yes she does want to lose weight I had permission to talk with her.

So far she has identified 2 eating goals and 2 fitness goals, and I have started to teach her about basic nutrition.

So lots of progress really.

castadiva

Maybe get her into a dance class? I struggled with weight as a kid, and like you my mom never had junk food in the house, but I would manage to eat it at school. I did athletics in middle school but hated it, so would fake injuries lol..yep I was that kid.

Finally my mom put me back into my old dance studio and BAM, I did anything to get healthy so I could look and feel and dance my heart out.

I love my hip-hop classes, she would't have to wear a leotard and tights, and it is such a fun way to get into shape without even realzing it. However I do recomend a ballet class, it really tones the muscles, but if she is anything like me, you couldn't have paid me enough to take ballet at 13.

Usually YMCA, or other kid friendly after school programs have pretty inexpensive cheer or dance lessons, as I know studios can be expensive.

-meghan

I was about to suggest dance, but this poster beat me to it! I loathed all forms of 'exercise' as a kid - still do for the most part - and infinitely preferred individual to team activities. You're the only person here who will know what your daughter would most enjoy - it has to be fun, and it CANNOT be about 'losing weight' or 'getting healthy' or she's likely to resist. It has to be an activity that she'll enjoy - something new and fun and maybe just 'hers' - something special for her.

Re. the emotional eating - is there something she could do to channel her emotions more positively? Dance might do it, or an instrument, or writing a journal. Art / theatre / singing - these are all good ways to deal with the core issue, which is really why she is eating more than is desirable.

Your daughter sounds a lot like me at that age - more introverted, more emotional, more intellectual, less active, and maybe more sensitive than many kids. To be honest, looking back at photos of myself pre-puberty, I really wasn't fat, though the little girls at school all seemed to think I was. It was the misery of their teasing, and the subtle, but consistent pressure from my parents (my mother in particular, though she tried very hard to be non-judgemental) that tipped me over into real 'overweight-ness' and set a pattern of eating to feel better. I still struggle with that now, twenty years down the line. Vision is always 20/20 in hindsight, but I suspect that if someone had helped me figure out a better option than food to feel happier, and eased up on the drip-feed of nagging and reminders that I wasn't quite good enough, physically (that's how I 'heard' the comments), I might have conquered that demon much sooner, and my weight would have evened out in puberty as is often the case for girls.

Good luck!

Hellbent_Heidi

Have been talking to her - once she told me yes she does want to lose weight I had permission to talk with her.

So far she has identified 2 eating goals and 2 fitness goals, and I have started to teach her about basic nutrition.

So lots of progress really.

Really cool she brought it up herself...this will make it much easier for you to help her. From my (dusty) memories, it was hard enough being a 13 year old girl (with all the hormonal-changing hell going on in your body) when you're a normal weight. I can't imagine what its like these days with all of the different challenges kids are facing!

Good luck with the situation, and I'm sure you'll help her sort it out. You sound like a really good mother! :drinker: