Teenager in trouble

MysticLiz

Ever since I lost weight my 16 year old niece, Milka, has looked up to me. We share interests in clothes and girl talk in general. She has been over weight her whole life and has been feeling the pressure at home and in school to loose the weight for a while now. Her mom (my sister) has always been supportive of her children loosing weight. She is overweight herself and I know has battled weight loss before. She's been so upset about her kids being overweight that she's blurted out in the past rude comments to them about their poor eating habits. "stop eating" "get your lazy behind outside and do something active!" She even has seen a nutritionist for some time. But NOW... Recently my sister has been slacking off in shopping for healthier food. Still brings home cookies and pizza. I'd say she's given up. Now Milka is feeling the effects of not having better choices at the table. Because of this she spends more time on the treadmill and sometimes she is even resorting to skipping dinner. Tonight she's text me that both her parents have sat her down and told her she's taking it "too far". Also because they are suspecting she might be using "drugs" to loose weight. She is sad because she has been told all her life she's "fat" and now that she's motivated, they are now opposing to it. She isn't taking any types of pills. They think she wants to gets super skinny and change who she is. But she says all she wants is to be able to shop the sizes her girl like her should be shopping for. She is 16 yrs old, 5'8 tall & 180 lbs. Why are parents afraid of seeing their children loose weight? Is it that they're too used to seeing obesity as part of their normal lives? They label "skinny" people as unhealthy and sick. It just makes me sad for her. How can I explain to my sister that she should be motivating her daughter into working out regularly and supporting healthier eating habits by bring home healthier choices.

mwoneis

I can totally feel for you and how your neice feels! I myself grew up with two "overweight" parents and saw my mom yo-yo diet so many times. I hope that things work out for your neice and I'm sending positive vibes to her!!

annabellj

you really cant do much. maybe if she can convince her mom to let her go to the grocery store with so she can pick out some better things. i wish i had an advocate at that age. i was exactly like your neice. same w and ht. i was 156 until my stepmother started brining soda and chips into the house. i finally lost it with slimfast and pb and bananas but i had to go buy it for myself because they didnt buy healthy stuff. i still struggle all the time as those old demons come up. she doesnt have much longer to be there. if she can talk to her mom without accusing her then maybe she will have a shot. and if she can eat healthy at lunch that will help. can you sit down and mediate maybe?

Saffyra

My mother loved that I was a fat kid as a teen. As long as she was skinnier than me she was happy. She still made plenty of mean comments and told me I needed to lose weight but never made any move to help me do that.

My aunt was the one who saved my life. She took me out, helped me choose pretty clothes, took me hiking and walking and other adventurous things. My mom had made me feel so bad about myself that my aunt saying nice things to me and giving me advice was like a ray of sunshine.

No matter what her mother tells her, your niece will love and respect you and listen to what you say because you genuinely care about her.

If you feel you can talk to her mother ( and she will be receptive ) then by all means, do so. But also continue to be there (and be the voice of reason) for your niece.

cinditree

I think when parents see their kids make healthier choices then them, it can be convicting and they get defensive about their way of living, like what they provide is not good enough, they may be getting offended by her decision to change for herself and feel guilty for not being the example for her, It is a defense mechanism to put others down for bettering themselves when it is seen as an insult. (obviously that doesn't make it ok, and she should continue to do the best to be healthy for herself) Hopefully they will see her example and get on board, but it sounds like they are not ready right now, she needs to break the cycle for herself.

OSUloulou

Perhaps if they see their daughter succeed they will have to stop and take a good long look in the mirror at their own failures. It is easier to "sweep the dirt off someone else's door step, then your own". Your niece is lucky to have you and I hope you will continue to mentor her in a healthy lifestyle. Good luck!

iwantniceabs

Way to be there for your neice - I have some really awesome aunts, and just think that that bond can be a really cool one - I'm sure she adores you and appreciates all your support. I'm no expert on this stuff, but my suggestion would be to find a way to bring it up with your sister and encourage her with ways to help her daughter loose the weight in a healthy way. maybe she's not afraid of her child actually losing the weight, but of her child losing the weight in the wrong way. And it could be that she doesn't have much knowledge when it comes to healthy food choices and habits - I know my mom thought a healthy meal for us was mac and cheese from the box with hot dogs cut up and mixed in. Hahaha - she really did - she wasn't trying to kill us, she just didn't know what 'healthy foods' really meant.

Maybe you could start a Holiday Family Challenge? My family did one last year - You could have some sort of system to keep track of everyone's progess - either lbs lost, or % of weight lost, or just minutes of exercise - have everyone log them from Dec 1st thru Christmas and New Years, and anyone who wants to participate puts in 5 or 10 bucks - and the winner gets the pot. You could be the coordinator, and send out weekly e-mails with encouraging quotes or healthy tips to help people along the way. Get the whole family involved (even relatives that don't live in the area if you're close). that way, your sister won't feel targeted, but can still benefit from all the awesome things you've learned about being healthy

NotGoddess

Could it be the mom is now realizing the effect her comments could have on a child and now over-compensating the other way?
Maybe you can tell your niece she should say not that she's losing weight but that she's focusing on getting fit. She could enlist her parents to help her and maybe bring back a more healthy diet for the whole family.

MysticLiz

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I will share with her your support. She must know that she is not alone.

MysticLiz

My mother loved that I was a fat kid as a teen. As long as she was skinnier than me she was happy. She still made plenty of mean comments and told me I needed to lose weight but never made any move to help me do that.

My aunt was the one who saved my life. She took me out, helped me choose pretty clothes, took me hiking and walking and other adventurous things. My mom had made me feel so bad about myself that my aunt saying nice things to me and giving me advice was like a ray of sunshine.

No matter what her mother tells her, your niece will love and respect you and listen to what you say because you genuinely care about her.


Thank you and I will definitely continue to be there for her.
If you feel you can talk to her mother ( and she will be receptive ) then by all means, do so. But also continue to be there (and be the voice of reason) for your niece.

MysticLiz

I think when parents see their kids make healthier choices then them, it can be convicting and they get defensive about their way of living, like what they provide is not good enough, they may be getting offended by her decision to change for herself and feel guilty for not being the example for her, It is a defense mechanism to put others down for bettering themselves when it is seen as an insult. (obviously that doesn't make it ok, and she should continue to do the best to be healthy for herself) Hopefully they will see her example and get on board, but it sounds like they are not ready right now, she needs to break the cycle for herself.

Yes you're very right! She tells me she will use that disapproval as motivation to try harder. I don't think it's the best way but what ever it takes. She is angry more than anything but then again, she's a teenager and it was bound to happen.

MysticLiz

Perhaps if they see their daughter succeed they will have to stop and take a good long look in the mirror at their own failures. It is easier to "sweep the dirt off someone else's door step, then your own". Your niece is lucky to have you and I hope you will continue to mentor her in a healthy lifestyle. Good luck!

Thank you I will try my best not to get under my sister's nerves and continue to be there for her for support and motivation.

MysticLiz

Way to be there for your neice - I have some really awesome aunts, and just think that that bond can be a really cool one - I'm sure she adores you and appreciates all your support. I'm no expert on this stuff, but my suggestion would be to find a way to bring it up with your sister and encourage her with ways to help her daughter loose the weight in a healthy way. maybe she's not afraid of her child actually losing the weight, but of her child losing the weight in the wrong way. And it could be that she doesn't have much knowledge when it comes to healthy food choices and habits - I know my mom thought a healthy meal for us was mac and cheese from the box with hot dogs cut up and mixed in. Hahaha - she really did - she wasn't trying to kill us, she just didn't know what 'healthy foods' really meant.

Maybe you could start a Holiday Family Challenge? My family did one last year - You could have some sort of system to keep track of everyone's progess - either lbs lost, or % of weight lost, or just minutes of exercise - have everyone log them from Dec 1st thru Christmas and New Years, and anyone who wants to participate puts in 5 or 10 bucks - and the winner gets the pot. You could be the coordinator, and send out weekly e-mails with encouraging quotes or healthy tips to help people along the way. Get the whole family involved (even relatives that don't live in the area if you're close). that way, your sister won't feel targeted, but can still benefit from all the awesome things you've learned about being healthy

Oh my God! That is such a good idea. Yeah, I think she doesn't mean bad, I know she loves her daughter and wants the best. And you made me think about her fear of her loosing it the WRONG way. I will pray to God that I find the right words to suggest the family challenge idea or even just the idea of supporting her better. Thank you so much!

MysticLiz

Could it be the mom is now realizing the effect her comments could have on a child and now over-compensating the other way?
Maybe you can tell your niece she should say not that she's losing weight but that she's focusing on getting fit. She could enlist her parents to help her and maybe bring back a more healthy diet for the whole family.

Yes. I think years of verbal abuse can make you realize you've triggered something in your child's heart. I asked Milka to stop talking about calories & "loosing weight" in front of them because that's also another factor that makes them agitated leading them to believe she's taking it "too far" .

Thank you for your kind words.