Eating Disorders.. my story

jeninabilan

Hey guys,

Well I have been on this site for a couple months now and it has been the most amazing thing in my life. Thank you EVERYONE for all of the ongoing support..

Today, I read a post written by a beautiful 19 year old girl reaching out for help, so I thought this may be a good chance to share my story and hopefully encourage someone else.

This isn't something I ever talk about, so thanks for baring with me if I ramble.. lol

I was diagnosed with anorexia at the age of 13, although I had the symptoms far before then. It was never about losing weight, always just wanted to prove that I was good enough and I guess in a way, a cry for help because emotionally I was such a mess. My parents were divorced, mom worked 2- sometimes 3 jobs. I basically ran the house at that point.. cleaned, cooked, helped myself with homework and was also her emotional rock starting ever since I was 9. We were always really close, but I always felt like I had to be perfect, or else she would be hurt.. So I would go hours and sometimes days without eating, because I was scared of gaining weight and losing my "perfect" body.

In high school, I was a 4.0 student, ASB vice pres, student rep, gymnastic captain and basically a part of every other activity I could think of.. all because I wanted my mom to be proud of me and I wanted to be "perfect".. The one thing I could never get a grip on was my weight. I am naturally a little more curvy (God bless the big boobs and big butt..) lol So I just wouldn't eat.. sure, part of it was to be skinny, but majority of it was a cry for help.. I just wanted someone to see me and appreciate me. I was so sick of doing everything for everyone else that I wanted to be so sick that other people would have to take care of me. Sounds crazy, I know.. but anyone with an eating disorder knows the exact feeling I'm talking about..

My junior and senior year of high school, I couldn't hide that I had an eating disorder anymore. I would frequently pass out in gym class or gymnastics, I had very dark circles under my eyes and just looked really sick. Believe it or not, I "looked" like I was at a healthy weight.. That's why so many people with eating disorders never get the help they need. MAJORITY of the time, they look "normal". Especially those with bulimia or ed-nos. It got to a point where my heart would stop and I couldn't breathe (I was also taking ephedrin and other weight loss pills). I had to be hospitalized a few times. By this point, I wanted to "get better" and I just wanted all of the pain to go away, but I couldn't. Even if I tried to eat, my body would reject it. It's a very scary feeling...

I saw psychiatrists, joined support groups and did everything I could to "get help".. but most of the time, that made it worst. I used it as motivation. As dark and twisted as this sounds, I had such an obsession with being "the best" that I wanted to be "the best" anorexic in the group and wouldn't stop until I was worst than the other girls my support group.

Ultimately, the only thing that got me through those times were my loved ones. They fought for me when I couldn't fight for myself. They believed in me when I lost hope.

I'm not sharing my story to brag in any way, but more so to offer support, inspiration and maybe help someone else. The one thing I can honestly say helped me "recover" was music.. it was always my passion and dream.. so I took my eyes and effort off of "trying to get better" and just focused all of my energy on music, writing and making my dreams come true.. Sometimes simply not trying to fix the problem is the answer in the end.. It's different for everyone, but it is possible. If you know anyone struggling with an eating disorder, the worst thing you could ever do is give up on them or think they are hopeless. Keep hanging on and just be a good friend.

I had 4 really good friends from support groups die from eating disorders.. I often wondered why I was the one that survived, and maybe it's to help others with the disease. Sure, I slip up and have my bad days and sometimes weeks, but ultimately, just don't give up.. I have been free of this disease for 8 years.. If I can do it, so can you.

For ANYONE who is struggling, always always always feel free to message me or talk about anything.. You are not alone

**hugs**

chubiD

I just want to say: thanks for sharing, that was really brave of you. I'm sure many people can relate to your story, and for those who can't, it's good to have the opinion of an "insider".

Congratulations on not giving up.

PinkAndSparkle

You should be really proud of yourself for being honest. This is beautiful, and so are you Keep fightin', I'm there with ya!

PinkAndSparkle

You should be really proud of yourself for being honest. This is beautiful, and so are you Keep fightin', I'm there with ya!

jeninabilan

Thanks guys I really appreciate that! This site is such a wonderful support tool I'm always here for anyone that needs help in any way.. xoxo

ruby_red_rose

I have had the exact opposite life story - overweight since a child, and obese at this point. Your story was fascinating to read. What I realize is that no matter which side of the weight problem you are on (under or over), it is very hard work to become normal. We all have struggles, but we all have made up our mind to be healthy, otherwise we wouldn't be here. Best of luck in your journey.

exercisarah

This just brings tears to my eyes, because i dealt with an eating disorder last year. I lost a lot of weight in a little time, and for me, it was because I wanted to be skinny and beautiful. i had a lot of people tell me i had a "perfect" body, which i loved, but at the same time i cringed.. because if only they knew what i put myself through to be "beautiful" they would definitely change their minds. It breaks my heart when I hear of other people going through what i went through.. but sadly, i know it's everywhere. I never used to be able to tell, because like you said, you can still look "normal," but after my eating disorder.. just walking through malls or public places.. i pick up characteristics of what i used to be like.. and my heart just breaks. It is such a mental thing. people can try to help you get better, but unless you've gone through it you don't fully understand the crazy unhealthy thoughts that take over your mind. My eating disorder got so bad that i would be sick all the time - but since my body had nothing to run on, I would get so weak I literally didn't have enough strength to walk, so i would crawl around my house. During one time when I had the flu, I passed out at the top of my stairs, fell down them, and had to be taken to the ER to get stitches in my lip.. you'd think i'd take this as a sign, but that was only the beginning of my anorexia.. there was more to come. I looked at sickness as a way to lose weight.. anything to make the numbers drop lower.. please - anyone out there dealing with this PLEASE feel free to friend me!

LorinaLynn

*hugs* Thank you for sharing your story and I'm happy that you made it through.

What you wrote really resonated with me, even though I was never diagnosed with an ED, I recognize that there'd been times in my life where I under-ate and had "no appetite" that I know in retrospect was a cry for help, a desire to have someone notice and take care of me. It wasn't about being thin, or thinner, because at that point, I'd always been thin.

jeninabilan

Thanks guys.. I am so thankful for all of the support I've gotten for this thread and for the new friends requests.. If this story can inspire and hopefully help even just ONE person, then everything I went through has been worth it.

I am glad to offer a new perspective to some people who may have never experienced this as well as hope for those that have.. I struggled with anorexia for 5+ years and it'll be 7 years of living in recovery in April.. it is possible.. it's not an easy road, but it's possible..

I think the key is find beauty in YOURSELF first and foremost..

xoxo

arrivederci

Hey there, you had said that my story inspired you to write this one. I wanted to say I am so proud that you are now free of the disease. That is remarkable, and encouraging. I've been trying for so long but it just won't leave me alone, haha. But I know if I stick with it, soon enough it will. I appreciate this post, I really do.

jeninabilan

Hey there, you had said that my story inspired you to write this one. I wanted to say I am so proud that you are now free of the disease. That is remarkable, and encouraging. I've been trying for so long but it just won't leave me alone, haha. But I know if I stick with it, soon enough it will. I appreciate this post, I really do.

You're welcome sweetie.. you are an amazing young lady and have an incredible future ahead of you.. If I can do it, so can you.. Just don't give up. What is your passion in life? What do you want to be/do? I heard a quote once that said "without vision, people perish".. maybe try focusing your energy on your vision for your future and making those dreams a reality.. I know it's really hard, just hang in there! xoxo

AH2013

You should be so proud of yourself for being so honest and open about your stuggle. Amazing that you have come through so stong!!! I hope you continue to have this fab new attitude towards your life and continue to grow stronger and happier!!

Inspirational!

jeninabilan

You should be so proud of yourself for being so honest and open about your stuggle. Amazing that you have come through so stong!!! I hope you continue to have this fab new attitude towards your life and continue to grow stronger and happier!!

Inspirational!

Thank you so much.. I really do appreciate that more than you know. I'm not any stronger than anyone else Just had the courage to hang in there I guess.. but thank you!

ginabina13

You're so very brave for posting this and I'm sure it will be a great inspiration for so many others who are currently experiencing what you did. I have a similar story of growing up and that need to be "perfect" in order to make others proud. Thanks for posting your story and sharing your experience with us. God bless!